Church 2

So church on Sunday with Katie. Twice. The night before, as I went to bed, I prayed, Jesus, might I find you?

The morning service was okay, not outstanding (for me). They talked about loving each other, a concept that perplexes me, and they didn't address my questions. I see a clash between timeless ideals and cultural norms. Romantic love and its possibility seems to constrain agape love. We are supposed to love everyone, but it's not appropriate for me to "love" all boys, for instance. I've tried substituting "care" for "love:" "I care about you" is more okay to say than "I love you." But I'm not sure if that loses something, and I don't know what to do with it when I am told to love everyone without these questions being acknowledged. I also think that the assumption that character equals Christian (and vice versa) isn't as common as we imagine.

That night we went to the young adult service. The ambiance was different (evening, dim lighting, loud music) and I think that helped me approach God more honestly - I didn't feel as dull and placid as I did at church earlier.
~ They talked about humility before God. We read about the sinful woman who anointed Jesus's feet, and how that's a picture of an ideal worshipper. It reminded me of last week at church, when they pointed out that in the story of the prodigal son, the son comes home not with demands but asking to be made like a hired servant. Humility. But that made me wonder about dignity. Can humility and dignity coexist? How much do I have dignity in my relationship with God? Do/can I approach him as a sort of equal? If I'm someone who automatically does what people tell me to without feeling like I can say no, I have boundary problems, but it is obedience to instantly and unquestioningly do what God bids. Is growth as a person compatible with growth as a Christian?
~ The worship leaders suggested taking off our shoes as we came into worship as a symbol of humility. I waited a few songs to do so because I wanted it to really mean something. Then a line in one of the songs mentioned kneeling before God, and I felt the need to kneel. But I didn't want to make Katie uncomfortable beside me (she is not really the expressive worship type) and I wasn't sure if the next song that was coming would fit with kneeling so I waited for that too. Eventually I did kneel. And somehow it feels more real, it feels easier to actually talk to God, when my face is an inch from the back of the chair in front of me, when I can shout and make faces and cry without attracting additional attention. Here were some of my prayers:
I wish the truth was better.
I'm sorry.
I won't say the nice things if I don't see that I really mean them. Things like "I love you" and "blessed be your name."
But... I want to be with you.
It feels like this is my lot. And I accept it. Surely placid acceptance is almost as good as gratitude?
~ I cried during worship. But when worship ended, I got up and was "okay" and made a joke about not having a kleenex. The crying wasn't a surprise or a new crisis. It kinda feels like I live in the crying. And so I learn to live with it. I learn to be okay in spite of it. I learn to recognize that there's a time to express it, and there's a time for it to remain under the surface.
- I sensed that We've got more fights coming...
I hope we make it.