Home

I'm home again. It's nice to return to my own shower head.

Tour ended well for me, and I came home feeling good. That was really nice. I think part of it was that I felt important. I had been affirmed about my role in our group and I saw that people valued me and I had a chance to tell them that I value them. Also, unfortunately tour ended really badly for a friend of mine, and I was the only one who really knew what was going on so I was the one he talked to. When we got back I drove him home and then we went out to Denny's to talk more about what was going on and also to give him a bit of a distraction from it. I felt helpful, and I felt like I was successfully navigating social situations and showing people that I care, and that feels good.

My good feeling only lasted about a day. Then I started to feel nervous about having to create a meaningful life here. Last summer had aspects that were really rough. I spent too much time alone and that was painful. And now I'm facing a "summer" that will never end - I'm not going back to school again in Sept. I don't want the rest of my life to be crappy and intensely alone. But I feel myself getting sucked in to old habits and insecurities.

I'm trying to remind myself that I have never lived here (in this apartment) in the summertime, and since this is different everything else can be too.

I went out for coffee with the girls tonight, and that makes me feel really good. Socially connected. I have friends who love me and value me.

Tomorrow I go back to work. I'm glad - I don't to well with too much unstructured "vacation" time. I stopped in yesterday to get my schedule, and it seemed strange seeing work people when I got so used to being around choir people. But there are people who care about me there too, and this year I have found that work sociality is easier than that of school or choir.

I have more thoughts to process and record about tour, but I just don't have the energy to do it now. When I do post them, I will probably backdate them - so if you're interested, keep your eyes open to what appears beneath this post.