Friendly Complaints

Aah, two hours of Friends and twenty some games of Spider Solitare. Good way to distract myself from the angst and unsettledness.

At least I had a reason to get out of the house again today. At least I had coffee with the girls as a reason to shower and dress and go to Starbucks. But I had a hard time enjoying it. I felt so flat. I felt like I had little to contribute. I felt lonely, even though I was surrounded by friends. I felt doubtful, about myself and my friendships.

She went out for coffee with him, without me. That should be totally fine - I've often hung out with him without her. But they'd never hung out together, and we've been talking about all getting together. I'd completely understand and be happy about it if they did this while I was gone, but they waited until I was back and I just don't understand why I wasn't included. He told me about it the other day, and I didn't have much to say to him afterwards. Tonight it almost came up in conversation with her - we mentioned him and how we should all hang out - and she didn't say anything about them getting together already. It's like she was afraid to tell me. And I didn't bring it up either because it's a point of pain for me. Just telling myself that this shouldn't matter to me because they are free to hang out together without me doesn't actually make it so. Unfortunately we can't simply tell ourselves how to feel.
It doesn't help that she doesn't return my calls. Is her answering machine broken?
I know that she is a true friend to me and that I am just being crazy here. But my craziness almost feels justified.

She was sweet. She told me that any time I need to get out of the house I can give her a call because she'll probably be feeling the same way and she's always free.
But she never calls me, and half the time she doesn't answer or return my calls (lately that's been better though). I wonder if we would ever get together if not for my efforts. Still, I value her and so I don't test that.
Once upon a time she had a conversation where they came up with the idea that Jesus was not fully human because he never had sex, a basic human experience, and she recounted this to us. I think someone else talked her out of this idea... but still, I feel threatened by it. As a corollary, I would not be fully human because I have never had sex. And it almost doesn't matter that she surely doesn't even believe this quick fizzle of an idea anymore. Because I still think of it, I wonder if I should talk to her about it. But I know exactly what she would say. She would be so compassionate, and she would apologize with such sincerity, and she would be so sorry that she wounded me. Would hearing it make a difference, or is it enough to know what she would say? Do I have to bring it up? Do I have to acknowledge that it is an issue for me?

To top it off, another friend (outside this group) has never given me her current home phone number and she never answers her cell. She's probably too busy to talk to me, and I've had to learn not to need her because I can't get ahold of her. Perpetually over the years I have wondered if our friendship is just a title or an actual reality, and during these times I quote Beaches: "What am I going to do without a best friend?"

I ran into a friend of his the other day, and he gave me a totally different picture than the person I think I know. Generally I would trust my friend over this other guy, but he planted the seeds of doubt. Do I actually really know him at all? How much does that matter?

Everything feels hostile. But at least it stopped raining.

Update (06/01/08): We went for a walk tonight, and she gave me a card telling me she appreciates my friendship. We didn't talk about my fears, but it still helped me to get over them. Everything is looking more okay. And I already have some plans for not being alone on my days off this week.