Double Feature

Justin and I both had the day off today, so we declared it a FQun Day and went off to the mountains. The excitement of this averted the bad-morning-mood I was expecting, and we had a really good time. We stopped at Tim Horton's to grab breakfast on the way out of town. Then the first thing we did when we got there was ride the gondola up a mountain - something I don't think I had ever done before. It was really neat. At the top we took a walk, which was beautiful but cold. We did not pick a warm day for the mountains - but that kept a lot of other people away which was kind of nice. After stopping for coffee we walked around town a bit, and then went for a late lunch. It was a good day together. I had another engagement tonight, so we came home in the late afternoon. On the drive home during the question game we both basically said that the company was our favorite part.

~~~~~~~~~~

Tonight I attended a school function - a dinner with the major that I had been a part of before I graduated. These events generally make me feel quite unsettled, and tonight was no exception. I usually don't know what it is that makes me feel this way, but I'm going to see what I can do to articulate it this time.

It was strange going as an alumna. I wasn't the only one; there were a few others who are also no longer in school. And I knew everyone but two people there. But I only felt connected to about half the group. It's not what it was back when it was ours. I understand that change is inevitable and important, and the change started even before I left, but I can't help but feel disconnected. And somehow that feels very appropriate.

At the same time that I felt disconnected from the group in general, I acknowledge that some of these people are my closest friends. And some of them I haven't connected with in too long. This entity has been my community - the ones with whom I shared life and growth, and the ones who have had the right to speak into my life. They still have that right, although there are few opportunities now. Jeremy and I had a valuable conversation about some things going on in my life right now. He listened to me, and then expressed some concerns. Later when I left he said he hoped I didn't mind his advice, he hoped it didn't make me upset. On the contrary, I told him that I appreciate it when people care enough about me to tell me what they think I don't want to hear. And these people do care about me. That means that in some sense I am responsible to them, and I cannot simply live recklessly. No man is an island.

We all have way less in common now than we did then. I had nothing to add to their conversation about classes and assignments because I'm not there anymore. It's not only that, though. Even much of what we do still have in common feels like it's waning in my life. And being with them reminds me of all I've lost.

I still owe the prof some research that I don't want to do. I haven't spoken to her since graduation last year, and I've kinda been avoiding her because I don't want her to ask about it. I was afraid to go tonight for that reason, and I was relieved that she didn't bring it up. Maybe she's forgotten? But at the same time that I feel like I can't do it, I feel like not completing what I owe her is a problem with my character.

Maybe I'm just tired. The context and conversations inspired some doubts about where my life is going. The interjection into this community felt awkward. I felt great before I went and I feel so unsettled at the end.

Inevitable

...on
......a
.......bit of a downswing.

I had a really nice vacation from my problems. I credit the fun of getting into a new relationship. But all vacations have to end sometime and we have to go home.

Being with Justin is still making me happy. But that happiness isn't strong enough to pervade the rest of my life any longer like it had been doing. I've felt great for the last few weeks, but I knew that wouldn't last forever. And here it is, the downswing.

Mornings are worst. I just want to keep sleeping. Then I sit down to put on my shoes before I leave the house and I don't want to get up - I just want to keep sitting there. I seriously need to stop being late for work. And I just feel grumpy and so very tired until my shift winds down. I don't know if people are suddenly really hostile or if I am just hypersensitive, but I've had a lot of conflict-ful encounters with customers in the last few days. Plus I start to assume the worst about what people think of me. When I tell Anson it's breaktime and he says he's going to wait, I believe that's because he doesn't want to spend his break with me instead of thinking that he wants to clean up his board before he passes it off to someone else. Things perk up somewhat by the time evening comes around and I get done work, though, thankfully.

I don't really know how to do a relationship from this place. I feel like I'm not fun and I don't have much to say, and it's hard to explain why. I warned Justin about the inevitability of a downswing a few days ago, and then I brought it up again today. He doesn't really understand, but he tries. I'm not really sure what I expect from him or from myself here. So this is the next relationship issue I'm facing. I'm curious about how it will turn out. Being able to be in a relationship even when I am not okay is an important skill I need to learn.

Meaningful

Tonight a friend asked me, "How does your depression affect your new relationship?" And I love it that she brought this up, that she wasn't afraid to ask. I love it when discussing depression doesn't feel taboo and when people are actually comfortable with it.

^^^^

A month-ish ago another friend revealed to me that she has started taking antidepressants because she's having a hard time with happiness. She asked me about my experiences and shared how the journey has been for her, and I felt so honored that she was comfortable sharing this with me. Conversations like this that cut through the pretense seem intensely important to me.

Quote

"I feel ashamed now that I tried to take my life. It is such a precious thing. I had no one to talk me out of my despair, and that was a mistake. You need to keep people close. You need to give them access to your heart."
- For One More Day, Mitch Albom, 193-194

Trust

"What does trust mean to you," he asked.

...believing that people will do what they say they will...
...believing that people care and are interested...
...believing that when I share myself, I won't be rejected...
...believing that people will not harm me.

Attention

I was at the mall, walking into a clothing store, when I heard a voice behind me.
//Excuse me?//
I wasn't sure that I was the one being addressed, but I turned around anyways to see a shaggy blond guy with an air of vulnerability.
//Can I ask you a question?//
\\Sure!\\
//Um, would you go out with me sometime?//
There were lots of reasons to say no. I picked, \\Oh, I don't live around here.\\
//Oh. That's too bad. You're really beautiful... Well, it was nice to meet you.// And he shook my hand.
I grinned - this kind of thing doesn't happen to me!
I hadn't even gotten over no-makeup week!
I enjoyed the attention.

Visit

I came home for the "weekend" to see Mom and a friend. It was my friend's birthday and I never did make it to the post office to mail her a gift, and it has been too long since I've seen her anyways, so I figured it was time for a visit.

My friend and I hung out today. I went over to her place and made sure her baby didn't fall off the counter while she worked on a craft project with another friend, and then when the other person left we just chatted and caught up on each other's lives. Oh yeah, and I learned that I'm not the queen of changing diapers. It turned out alright, but I'm definitely not pro. Which is fine right now.

My time with my Mom is a little scattered. She had a conference last night, so I saw her for a bit after that when I got here. Then today she had the conference all day and a Christmas party tonight. So I saw her for a bit between the two events, and we'll see if I stay up until she gets home. Tomorrow we'll go out for brunch together before I head home and before she heads to yet another Christmas party.

Home. I use that word to mean both here and there. Mom used it (referring to me) to mean here, but then corrected herself. And really, this doesn't feel much like home. Too much has changed, and I have built my own life.

I have been so so very tired today. I'm trying to figure out why I'm always so tired when I'm here...
- the drive makes me tired
- I guess I don't sleep well in an unfamiliar bed?
- being allergic to the cat certainly doesn't help
- there's a lot of social effort involved in trying to be interesting and happy with people for long periods of time, and that wears me out

Banal Longevity

I wish life weren't so long.
I can make good enough decisions with the next few months in mind. I can plan for that. But when I realize that choices I make now, small and large, will affect the rest of my life, which I assume will be a very long time, I feel so confined. Everything feels reckless because the consequences reach so far. Everything feels meaningless because nothing will last as long as life.
It is wearisome.

Culture

I walked into the break room and greeted Yete, grabbed my lunch bag and sat down beside him. He had a tray of fries in front of him. He motioned to them and then to me, insisting I have some. "Africans always eat together," he explained. It seemed like he feels uneasy eating alone and not having anyone to share with. That must be a big culture shift for him: going from a place where everyone shares their food to one where people generally provide only for themselves. I am well steeped in my own culture, and so although I have no problem bumming a few fries off my coworkers (and stolen fries always taste better), I kinda felt a little uncomfortable with his insistence that I eat more of his food. I don't know exactly where he's from, but it's a different world.

I like what's familiar and I am a product of my world. The glimpse I caught of Yete's approach to life and communality sparkles with beauty, but it makes me feel awkward. That discomfort gets in the way of me saying "that's wonderful," desiring to see more, or feeling inspired to be more like that.

Fun Day

I had a great day today. In fact, it was Fun Day with a capital Q. Justin and I both had the day off, so we spent it together. We went to a lake out of town and had a picnic and took a walk. Then we came back here and watched a movie. Afterwards we laid on the couch and talked for a long time.

We played a question game - the one where he asks me a question and then I ask him one.
He asked, What do you think the most important thing is in a relationship?
After thinking about it for a minute, I answered, The ability to be yourself. Feeling like you can reveal who you are to the other person, and that you don't just have to be who they expect you to be. Giving them the freedom to be who they are.
Do you feel that way with me, he asked. It's a process of revelation, but yeah, I do.

Update 11/11/08: In the next installment of the question game, I asked Justin what he thinks the most important thing in a relationship is. He responded with thoughts on communication. Having few secrets. Being truthful.

Church

I was scared to go. There's been a bit of a hiatus from church again, and I kinda fell of the face of the earth where Nick is concerned. I slept in one week so I didn't even call him about going to church (and he didn't call me either). Then I was away for Thanksgiving, then the next week I was in Ontario, then I worked on Sunday morning for the next few weeks. Now here we are. I have the day off, and woke up on time. I texted Nick, saying sorry for being incommunicato and telling him I'd be coming to church today. I heard back from him five hours later, after church was long over. So I was there alone. I sat alone. Near the door. And felt kinda awkward.

I don't really believe a lot of what they say. "Really? Is that an essential part of the Christian message, or just a possible application to a particular situation? Maybe it's true in a certian context, but always, for everyone? For me?" I guess it's possible that a different church could be better (I didn't choose this one based on its teaching, after all), but I don't even know what it is I want to hear, what I would agree with.

I'll probably be working Sundays for the next many weeks. So I won't be back for a while.

Guy Friends

It's interesting to find the balance with guy friends when I'm in a relationship.

Mark called today. He's an acquaintance from a few years ago who I ran into about a month ago. We got together for coffee and a movie two weeks ago, and although he's a nice guy I didn't have a great time. He called again today, asking if I was busy tonight. ("Yeah, I have some plans.") How about tomorrow? Pizza and a movie or something? ("Can I get back to you on that?...")

I also hung out with Kwesi today. He texted me this morning and we went for a walk/hike before I went to work. Kwesi is one thing, Mark is another. Kwesi and I were already friends, but it's a new thing with Mark and I don't quite know what he's thinking. Also, Kwesi already knew about Justin, whereas Mark did not.

I didn't quite know how to answer Mark. It felt really weird to think about saying yes, but I don't want to feel like I can't hang out with other guys. I called him back later though and said that I wouldn't be available to hang out tomorrow. "I just got into a new relationship, and I need some time for that." He seemed okay with that, and I was too. He vaguely suggested coffee sometime, and I non-commitally said sure.

It isn't a matter of rules, and it doesn't feel helpful to articulate any. Some of my guy friendships are valuable to me and need to be maintained although I have a boyfriend. Some aren't worth developing since there's someone else who gets a lot of my time and attention.

As I told Justin about my day today, half the stories that I told were related to guy friends of mine. Then I said, "I don't want you to feel threatened by me having guy friends." He assured me that he didn't, and added that most of his friends are girls. Perfect!
Hanging out with Mark (and not enjoying it) is one thing that made me realize I wanted to be more than friends with Justin, haha.

Imaginary?

A month or so ago I was laying in bed, trying to fall asleep. I was going to bed exceptionally early because I had to work in the morning, and my mind wasn't quite ready to slow down yet.

I turned my thoughts to God. Prayer felt really bizarre that night though, and I couldn't help but wonder if God is like my imaginary friend. Philip Yancey understands: "When doubts creep in and I wonder whether prayer is a sanctified form of talking to myself..." Do I just make up the idea of God because I like imagining someone is there?

But you'd think that if this was all a figment of my imagination, I would create it in a way that pleased me, that we would be happy together. It sucks to be rejected by your imaginary friend, especially when it seems to be because of your high self-esteem. So either I'm crazier than I thought, or it's not imaginary. But the idea has stuck with me.

Credits: Prayer: Does It Make Any Difference, 79.

Spice Club

I shop in bulk. Like, I buy things in really large packages, and then I try to use them up all by myself. Maybe I should share! (Notice how I don't consider buying smaller quantities...)

I've thought before how it would be fun to start a spice club, where when we buy spices in large quantities that would last us forever, we can share them with each other. Currently I have an overstock on:
1. Granulated Garlic
2. Oregano
Let me know if you'd be interested in some of these!

Today I stocked up on some things that are not spices, but that I now own in quantities that should be shared. So if you are interested in...
3. Extra Large Eggs
4. Generic Ibuprofen
...please let me know! And don't feel bad about asking - you'll be doing me a favor by letting me share these things with you! After all, although they might otherwise stick around forever, they won't stay good forever!

I couldn't stop laughing!

The funniest thing happened today at work.

I was sitting in the office researching a problem for someone, when all the sudden I heard one of my coworkers just outside the door to the office say, "Um, this isn't a price checker... it's for us to scan in and out for the day." A customer, wondering about the price on a pack of gum, brought it through the tills and scanned it repeatedly into our timeclock. I looked over at the girl beside me, who also heard the situation unfold, and we laughed and laughed!

(Maybe it was one of those you-needed-to-be-there kind of situations... It was so funny at the time though!)