I really struggle with not accepting things that are not meant for me.
A classic example from three-ish years ago: "Mind your own goddamn business." My manager said this at me one day at work when I inquired about someone else's break. This person had asked me to check on it, and I guess the manager meant to direct her comment towards the person who wanted their break. But she didn't specify that, she spoke in the second person, and I was the one standing there. I turned abruptly and headed to the bathroom to cry. She followed me to apologize, to clarify. It hardly mattered. I sobbed, even before I reached the safety of a stall, and prayed, "What do I do with this? How do I not accept what was not even intended for me?"
A recent example from this week: "Sorry, this user does not list you as a friend, and they've set the 'friends only' option for who can reply to their journal." This was the error message I received when I tried to post a comment on a friend's blog. I feel like it says, "You are not friends," which is unfortunately tempting to believe since we are in what I guess is a "growing pains" phase of the friendship. But I know that's not what she wants to convey. Her blog is private so no one reads it (so being offered a post was a great honor), so no one comments, so no one is listed as an approved friend. And error messages from the internet aren't really personal missives. But...
How do I take what was personally meant, instead of what was said impersonally?
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Non-Church and Double Feature
The alarm rang this morning and I did not want to get up. So I didn't. I didn't call Nick and he didn't call me and we didn't go to church.
I woke up around the time church was starting and thought about how maybe I should have gotten up earlier and gone. And then I thought about how I could maybe still go to another church with a later service, but I decided against it. Instead I stayed home and tried to do some laundry, shaved my legs, made cookies, and did some writing. I planned to get all sorts of stuff done, but the day kinda escaped without me.
Tonight was busy though. I went to a concert for the choir I'd been in for the last three years. It was weird sitting in the audience instead of being on the risers. It's more fun to be up there. Seeing all these people again made me remember the good times of being in choir. But I also remembered the hard times. I don't think I'd say I miss it. But I still feel a little like I'm part of the group, like this is still my thing. Instead of singing second soprano, my role is now to support them by going and listening.
It was cool to be back among the school people, albeit briefly. To remember these acquaintances. To continue to exist for them. To get walk-by hugs from people who couldn't resist although they saw you were in the middle of a conversation with someone else. To say and hear, "We really should get together soon!" and to hope it happens.
There was also a work party happening tonight. I went after the concert and the mingling, only to find the last two people leaving. But that was okay because Justin and I had made plans to play pool there, so I called him up and he came down and we had a good time. When we finished and left we stood in the parking lot briefly and then he suggested going for coffee, so we went to Denny's and spent a couple hours there. It was nothing outstanding, it was just really cool to be able to do that, to be able to find that much to talk about. I enjoy this friendship with Justin.
I woke up around the time church was starting and thought about how maybe I should have gotten up earlier and gone. And then I thought about how I could maybe still go to another church with a later service, but I decided against it. Instead I stayed home and tried to do some laundry, shaved my legs, made cookies, and did some writing. I planned to get all sorts of stuff done, but the day kinda escaped without me.
Tonight was busy though. I went to a concert for the choir I'd been in for the last three years. It was weird sitting in the audience instead of being on the risers. It's more fun to be up there. Seeing all these people again made me remember the good times of being in choir. But I also remembered the hard times. I don't think I'd say I miss it. But I still feel a little like I'm part of the group, like this is still my thing. Instead of singing second soprano, my role is now to support them by going and listening.
It was cool to be back among the school people, albeit briefly. To remember these acquaintances. To continue to exist for them. To get walk-by hugs from people who couldn't resist although they saw you were in the middle of a conversation with someone else. To say and hear, "We really should get together soon!" and to hope it happens.
There was also a work party happening tonight. I went after the concert and the mingling, only to find the last two people leaving. But that was okay because Justin and I had made plans to play pool there, so I called him up and he came down and we had a good time. When we finished and left we stood in the parking lot briefly and then he suggested going for coffee, so we went to Denny's and spent a couple hours there. It was nothing outstanding, it was just really cool to be able to do that, to be able to find that much to talk about. I enjoy this friendship with Justin.
Saturday, October 4, 2008
Metaphor
We use mostly metaphors as we talk about God. We say he is our rock, our father, etc. But he's neither sedimentary nor igneous; he has in no way slept with our mothers (unless we are Mormons). These comparisons say something about God and our relationship with him, but the picture falls short. Not every detail fits. When we use a metaphor, we don't mean everything that we are saying.
It is difficult to discuss God without using metaphor, however. Our language and our conceptual capacity aren't quite big enough to do justice to the spiritual world. So we are left with esoteric jargon, and comparisons.
So most of the time it's a metaphor. But not always. Sometimes I'm not sure which category a term fits into, though. Like "relationship." Is that what it actually is, or is that a picture of what it is? Do we have a real, actual relationship with God, or is the interaction like a relationship?
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Assuming that we can say we actually have a relationship with God, and assuming that our deepest relationships will resemble each other, marriage becomes a picture of spirituality. Our relationship with a spouse parallels our relationship with God, and vice versa. Both have to do with our hearts and passions, love and promises, commitment and forever. (Baptism feels like a wedding ceremony to me. Making the promise of for real and forever.)
I am not confident about my ability to promise forever to another person. But I feel that sticking with God and staying in this relationship even when things do not feel ideal is practice for other relationships and reinforces my character in a positive direction. It's about whether I keep my promises when I feel unfulfilled.
It's definitely important in a relationship to be discerning, keep your eyes open, have clear boundaries regarding how you deserve to be treated, and assess whether the relationship is good enough to continue. But after thorough assessment, there comes a time when the evaluation period is over and you enter into a commitment (such as marriage). Here you sacrifice your rights for love of the other. Ultimatums like If you don't treat me well enough, I'll leave turn into assertions like I want to be with you and build a life with you, whatever that means. Laying down your life...
It is difficult to discuss God without using metaphor, however. Our language and our conceptual capacity aren't quite big enough to do justice to the spiritual world. So we are left with esoteric jargon, and comparisons.
So most of the time it's a metaphor. But not always. Sometimes I'm not sure which category a term fits into, though. Like "relationship." Is that what it actually is, or is that a picture of what it is? Do we have a real, actual relationship with God, or is the interaction like a relationship?
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Assuming that we can say we actually have a relationship with God, and assuming that our deepest relationships will resemble each other, marriage becomes a picture of spirituality. Our relationship with a spouse parallels our relationship with God, and vice versa. Both have to do with our hearts and passions, love and promises, commitment and forever. (Baptism feels like a wedding ceremony to me. Making the promise of for real and forever.)
I am not confident about my ability to promise forever to another person. But I feel that sticking with God and staying in this relationship even when things do not feel ideal is practice for other relationships and reinforces my character in a positive direction. It's about whether I keep my promises when I feel unfulfilled.
It's definitely important in a relationship to be discerning, keep your eyes open, have clear boundaries regarding how you deserve to be treated, and assess whether the relationship is good enough to continue. But after thorough assessment, there comes a time when the evaluation period is over and you enter into a commitment (such as marriage). Here you sacrifice your rights for love of the other. Ultimatums like If you don't treat me well enough, I'll leave turn into assertions like I want to be with you and build a life with you, whatever that means. Laying down your life...
Monday, September 29, 2008
Forgotten
Hey, that really sucks that you didn't get a lunch break on Sunday!
Oh what? You did? Well then it's really unfortunate that all the phone lines went down right at that time.
Yeah well then why didn't you call like you said you would?
I haven't had this (half of a) conversation yet. I'm wondering if I should, or if I should just leave it.
They had a group of us over for dinner last week, and it was great. I felt like I wanted to reciprocate, having them and others over to my place. Yesterday seemed like the best time to do it; the next few weeks might get busy. They said they were free so I said it was a go and invited some other people too and made plans to cook and clean. Then on the day of I went in to pick up a couple things and he told me that actually they had double booked - they said they'd have dinner with his aunt. But on his lunch break he would call her and see if they could get out of it, and then he would call me and let me know. I never heard from him.
There were other cancellers too. At first I was concerned about inviting too many people and not having enough chairs; in the end only two guys came. I guess I know who my real friends are in this crowd? And they were nice about it and helped me feel okay about it. "All the cool kids are here," he said. We had a pretty good time. Good conversation. Sometimes it's better when the crowd is smaller.
But... he said they would come, and then he said he would call, and nothing. Do I bring it up with him? What do I say if he brings it up? (Yeah, it put you on the jerk list? Do I have a jerk list? Is that what gets a person on there?) It doesn't have to be a big deal. (That's okay, I'm still friends with jerks.) I guess that's just who he is - a ditzy, forget-about-people kind of guy. We had a similar problem the day before:
I needed him to fix a problem on a till, something that we had done incorrectly earlier. He was out on the floor so I went to find him.So do I just forget about it because that's just who he is and things turned out okay anyways? Or do I bring it up because I could be witty and it would remind him that people want to be remembered?
Hey, are you here to help me take these up to the front?
Yeah, I can do that, but I need you to come too so we can fix this.
Okay, I'll be up in a minute.
Alright, 'cause I'm off in two and a half minutes.
So I went up and waited for him. And waited for him. And waited for him. Eventually I got on the radio:
Hey, are you coming to fix this?
Oh, sorry, I forgot.
Seriously, how did he forget? So much for off in two and a half minutes.
Update 10/01/08: He apologized. Said they felt awful about it. I said Oh yeah instead of it's okay. I wasn't quite sure how upset I was. But I felt pretty miserable. (And that felt like home. Hmmm...)
And then he did it again. On Wed he was having people over to watch Ironman, and at the end of his shift he asked me if I was coming. Probably, I said, but I don't remember how to get to your place. He asked if I still had his phone number and I thought I did, but he offered to give it to me again just in case, and I said, That would be awesome. I figured he'd write it down on something and hand it to me 'cause I was busy on a till. But he just left without giving me anything. That is definitely not the way to get off the jerk list. I was really upset. Which kinda tells me I was still upset about Sunday.
As Trevor says, "He does have the memory of a goldfish." He'll be gone for the weekend. It'll be nice to not have him around so I can forget about this.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Church 4
I was tired because I'd had a late night the night before, and I wasn't sure that I would really be motivated to get up and go to church. But then Nick called me in the morning, so I got up and went to church.
~~~~~
"Everlasting, your light will shine when all else fades..."
...to love you, to walk and stand in your embrace...
~~~~~
The rest of the service offered me excuses. Although they didn't use this verse, parts of the sermon reminded me of 1 John 4:19: We love because he first loved us. Everything that's required of us finds its foundation in our knowledge of God's grace and love for us. And if we don't have that...
Nick left early. There were a couple of people there that I should have said hi to after the service, but the social anxiety hit me so I rushed out of there. It was beautiful out, though, so the short trip to my car became a little walk and a long sit in the sun under a tree.
~~~~~
"Everlasting, your light will shine when all else fades..."
...to love you, to walk and stand in your embrace...
~~~~~
The rest of the service offered me excuses. Although they didn't use this verse, parts of the sermon reminded me of 1 John 4:19: We love because he first loved us. Everything that's required of us finds its foundation in our knowledge of God's grace and love for us. And if we don't have that...
Nick left early. There were a couple of people there that I should have said hi to after the service, but the social anxiety hit me so I rushed out of there. It was beautiful out, though, so the short trip to my car became a little walk and a long sit in the sun under a tree.
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Integrity
Trevor and I email each other. I like staying in touch with him.
Two emails ago, after telling me about what's going on in his life, he wrote, You're always praying for all of this stuff for me, I only get to pray for your work time, and that you'll find another Trevor to replace me =P If there's ever anything that you want me to pray about, just let me know!
I didn't say much, so in the last email he wrote, You still never told me what I should pray for for you! You're always praying for me and it's not fair haha.
Aw, I have a sweet (eighteen year old) friend. Except there's two little problems.
I don't really pray for him as much as he seems to think I do. 'Cause praying isn't going so well for me. It doesn't seem right to tell him that, but neither does it feel okay to let him think things that aren't true.
And I have no idea what to offer him as a prayer request. I don't want to tell him about the things in my life that are not okay. I don't think he'd understand, because I think he has a completely different picture of me in his head. Someone who's strong in faith and encourages and supports him in his faith. And I kinda think he needs me to be that to him more than he needs me to be honest?
But at some point, it becomes an integrity problem.
Update 10/01/08: I found a prayer request to share with Trevor. I asked him to pray for my upcoming vacation because I am no good at vacation. It was a real request and a chance to be honest about how things in my life are not completely okay, without having to say that nothing is okay. And Trevor responded that he'll be more than happy to pray for me. Yay!
Update 10/22/08: We emailed each other a lot while I was on vacation, and had a chance to share some honesty between us. As an explanation for something else he revealed a piece of himself: I don't think you know, but I... I wanted to thank him for his vulnerability by matching it, so I responded, It's interesting what we don't know about people and who they have been, isn't it. For instance, I've had a depression problem for the last eight-ish years, and I don't think you knew that. I still don't really speak out of that place with him, but if I need to at some time there is now a precedent. The friendship feels more equal. I like that. Do you want me to pray for you or is there anything I can do? he responded.
Two emails ago, after telling me about what's going on in his life, he wrote, You're always praying for all of this stuff for me, I only get to pray for your work time, and that you'll find another Trevor to replace me =P If there's ever anything that you want me to pray about, just let me know!
I didn't say much, so in the last email he wrote, You still never told me what I should pray for for you! You're always praying for me and it's not fair haha.
Aw, I have a sweet (eighteen year old) friend. Except there's two little problems.
I don't really pray for him as much as he seems to think I do. 'Cause praying isn't going so well for me. It doesn't seem right to tell him that, but neither does it feel okay to let him think things that aren't true.
And I have no idea what to offer him as a prayer request. I don't want to tell him about the things in my life that are not okay. I don't think he'd understand, because I think he has a completely different picture of me in his head. Someone who's strong in faith and encourages and supports him in his faith. And I kinda think he needs me to be that to him more than he needs me to be honest?
But at some point, it becomes an integrity problem.
Update 10/01/08: I found a prayer request to share with Trevor. I asked him to pray for my upcoming vacation because I am no good at vacation. It was a real request and a chance to be honest about how things in my life are not completely okay, without having to say that nothing is okay. And Trevor responded that he'll be more than happy to pray for me. Yay!
Update 10/22/08: We emailed each other a lot while I was on vacation, and had a chance to share some honesty between us. As an explanation for something else he revealed a piece of himself: I don't think you know, but I... I wanted to thank him for his vulnerability by matching it, so I responded, It's interesting what we don't know about people and who they have been, isn't it. For instance, I've had a depression problem for the last eight-ish years, and I don't think you knew that. I still don't really speak out of that place with him, but if I need to at some time there is now a precedent. The friendship feels more equal. I like that. Do you want me to pray for you or is there anything I can do? he responded.
Friday, September 26, 2008
Ezekiel 1:1-3
In the thirtieth year, in the fourth month on the fifth day, while I was among the exiles by the Kebar River, the heavens were opened and I saw visions of God.
On the fifth of the month - it was the fifth year of the exile of King Jehoiachin - the word of the Lord came to Ezekiel the priest, the son of Buzi, by the Kebar River in the land of the Babylonians. There the hand of the Lord was upon him.
I've been reading this all week. I can't move on from these verses. Well, one night I read the rest of the chapter, but then I put the bookmark back at the beginning when I finished.
In exile. In exile for five years. Surrounded by other exiles. A priest, away from the temple, the customary understanding of the place of God's presence, the place of connection with him, the place of religious vocation. Far from home. Far from God? There the heavens were opened. There God met him.
Monday, September 22, 2008
More Thoughts on Vault
Nights in the vault - all good.
Mornings in the vault - not so good.
There's so much more to do, and a limited time in which to do it. Tills definitely have to be out before the store opens. The deposit has to be prepared before the armored car comes to pick it up. And lunch break has to be taken before the five-hour mark of my shift. There are so many more opportunities to make mistakes, and it takes forever to find and fix them. And it's hard to think that early in the morning.
Tomorrow is going to be a disaster. I am only half way through my training on mornings and my trainer can't be there tomorrow, so I'm on my own. I tried to do it all myself on Sat, in preparation for Tues, and it didn't go well. I told the manager that he needs to understand that this might be a disaster, and he said he realizes that. Everyone I complain to (which is, like, everyone) tells me it will be fine, but I don't believe them.
Update 09/23/08: Everyone was right - it turned out okay! (Thanks for your confidence in me. It warms my heart, especially since it turns out you were correct.) Tills got done early and nearly balanced (I was over ten cents, but that's easy to ignore). I got over to the liquor store early and everything went well there. Things slowed down as I began preparing the deposit and it took some time to get those numbers to work out, but still it was good. Of course, I didn't get a break until six hours into my shift, but that seemed okay because it meant everything else was getting done. Hooray!
Every friend that I saw was mindful of the fact that I had opened alone and asked me how it went. That was nice. And that showed me just how many people I had expressed my dread to.
Mornings in the vault - not so good.
There's so much more to do, and a limited time in which to do it. Tills definitely have to be out before the store opens. The deposit has to be prepared before the armored car comes to pick it up. And lunch break has to be taken before the five-hour mark of my shift. There are so many more opportunities to make mistakes, and it takes forever to find and fix them. And it's hard to think that early in the morning.
Tomorrow is going to be a disaster. I am only half way through my training on mornings and my trainer can't be there tomorrow, so I'm on my own. I tried to do it all myself on Sat, in preparation for Tues, and it didn't go well. I told the manager that he needs to understand that this might be a disaster, and he said he realizes that. Everyone I complain to (which is, like, everyone) tells me it will be fine, but I don't believe them.
Update 09/23/08: Everyone was right - it turned out okay! (Thanks for your confidence in me. It warms my heart, especially since it turns out you were correct.) Tills got done early and nearly balanced (I was over ten cents, but that's easy to ignore). I got over to the liquor store early and everything went well there. Things slowed down as I began preparing the deposit and it took some time to get those numbers to work out, but still it was good. Of course, I didn't get a break until six hours into my shift, but that seemed okay because it meant everything else was getting done. Hooray!
Every friend that I saw was mindful of the fact that I had opened alone and asked me how it went. That was nice. And that showed me just how many people I had expressed my dread to.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Church 3
I called Nick as I woke up an hour before church started, and he called me back fifty eight minutes later telling me he had just woken up but he'd soon be on his way. "I'll be there in an hour," he said. Good thing it's long church. At that point I was in the parking lot, realizing that since I hadn't heard from him he might not be there, but that was okay because I was at church because I felt like I should be there, not because of him.
I went in, found a seat, scanned the room, and was surprised to see a girl that I work with. I know this girl is highly religious, but I didn't expect to see her at this church. She soon glanced my way and with great excitement waved for me to come and sit with her, which I reluctantly did. I find her... intense. I come to this church with Nick because I feel like with the him I can have an honest experience and not feel like I have to seem okay, and I would not say that about her. But it turned out well enough, and worshipping beside her I sensed that things are not as okay for her as she lets on.
Nick showed up as the sermon began. The sermon was about loving one another (again, but at a different church this time) and being a life-giving community. To demonstrate how in a sense we all belong to one another they had us all hold hands with the people beside us, so I held hands with Sonia and Nick. We sat like that for a minute waiting to see what else the pastor would do with this illustration, but it turns out that was it and he said "Okay, you can let go now if you want." So Sonia dropped my hand, and Nick let go of the person on the other side of him, but then he looked at me and said something like, "I don't want to let go!" and I said, "That's okay, you can hold my hand." It lasted a few more minutes, and I liked it. I liked holding his hand. I'd be open to that more often. But... usually that means relationship to me. And I don't want a relationship here, I just wouldn't mind being friends who hold hands sometimes... That gave me stuff to think about.
After church we went for a brief lunch with his family, and then he was off to the film festival and I went for a walk with a friend who got bumped from that evening because I had some last minute dinner plans with work friends come up.
~~~~~
Come and find me
Tell me I'm yours
and that you love me
I went in, found a seat, scanned the room, and was surprised to see a girl that I work with. I know this girl is highly religious, but I didn't expect to see her at this church. She soon glanced my way and with great excitement waved for me to come and sit with her, which I reluctantly did. I find her... intense. I come to this church with Nick because I feel like with the him I can have an honest experience and not feel like I have to seem okay, and I would not say that about her. But it turned out well enough, and worshipping beside her I sensed that things are not as okay for her as she lets on.
Nick showed up as the sermon began. The sermon was about loving one another (again, but at a different church this time) and being a life-giving community. To demonstrate how in a sense we all belong to one another they had us all hold hands with the people beside us, so I held hands with Sonia and Nick. We sat like that for a minute waiting to see what else the pastor would do with this illustration, but it turns out that was it and he said "Okay, you can let go now if you want." So Sonia dropped my hand, and Nick let go of the person on the other side of him, but then he looked at me and said something like, "I don't want to let go!" and I said, "That's okay, you can hold my hand." It lasted a few more minutes, and I liked it. I liked holding his hand. I'd be open to that more often. But... usually that means relationship to me. And I don't want a relationship here, I just wouldn't mind being friends who hold hands sometimes... That gave me stuff to think about.
After church we went for a brief lunch with his family, and then he was off to the film festival and I went for a walk with a friend who got bumped from that evening because I had some last minute dinner plans with work friends come up.
~~~~~
God in my laughing
There in my weeping
God in my hurting
God in my healing
Be my everything
~~~~~Come and find me
Tell me I'm yours
and that you love me
I'm so glad it's Fall...
... because the new season means new mascara! I have been waiting for this day for, like, two months and twenty five days. Yeah, I wasn't a fan of my last mascara. But I'd had it in my stash for a while before I used it (I bought a two-pack quite a while ago, and this one was number two), so even though I hadn't opened it, maybe that's why it wasn't very good.
The Mascara for Fall is: Maybelline Volume Express Turbo Boost
This is another half of a two-pack that I bought a while ago, but it's alright still. It easily makes my lashes look long. Yay! Now I just need to find good eye makeup remover.
To be honest though, I don't wear make up when I'm working mornings because playing with mascara is not what I want to be doing at 5:15 am, so although in theory this is my new mascara for the season, I'm not going to be using it much for a little while.
The Mascara for Fall is: Maybelline Volume Express Turbo Boost
This is another half of a two-pack that I bought a while ago, but it's alright still. It easily makes my lashes look long. Yay! Now I just need to find good eye makeup remover.To be honest though, I don't wear make up when I'm working mornings because playing with mascara is not what I want to be doing at 5:15 am, so although in theory this is my new mascara for the season, I'm not going to be using it much for a little while.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
75 Farenheit is 24 Celsius
I've been listening to Relient K lately.
I really like this song. I always have.
I like it that they aren't afraid to talk about times when we are not okay.
So even though Seasonal Affective Disorder isn't exactly my problem, I like the acknowledgement of how external factors like the weather can affect how we are doing - and yet somehow God and what he does in our lives is in the middle of that too.
I really like this song. I always have.
I like it that they aren't afraid to talk about times when we are not okay.
So even though Seasonal Affective Disorder isn't exactly my problem, I like the acknowledgement of how external factors like the weather can affect how we are doing - and yet somehow God and what he does in our lives is in the middle of that too.
And we might break up if I don't wake up to the sun.
It's funny how you find you enjoy your life when you're happy to be alive.
Friday, September 19, 2008
Neglect
So, I tend to write at night. That's when I have the chance to sit down and gather my thoughts together and put them onto the computer. Earlier in the day everything is too scattered.
But now I sleep at night. Like, I go to bed at 9:30 at night. And still get less than eight hours of sleep! Good morning, Mornings!
So the sleeping cuts into the writing, and I know that my blog is feeling neglected. There are things that I am planning to post, but I just haven't had the time yet. Eventually.
But now I sleep at night. Like, I go to bed at 9:30 at night. And still get less than eight hours of sleep! Good morning, Mornings!
So the sleeping cuts into the writing, and I know that my blog is feeling neglected. There are things that I am planning to post, but I just haven't had the time yet. Eventually.
Secrets and Friendly
So, I've gradually become a real fan of PostSecret. Whereas before I would think to myself, "Yeah, that's interesting but I'm not sure I'd strongly recommend it," now it comes up in my conversations and I say to others, "Have you heard of this? It's really cool." Yup, I'm decidedly a fan.
What is it, you ask? It's a "community art project" started by a guy named Frank Warren. Four years ago he invited people (strangers) to anonymously mail to him a handmade postcard with a secret that they've never told anyone. Since then, he's received something like 200 000 secrets. He posts new ones weekly on his website (the third most popular blog on the internet), and has published books of secrets (and I think I remember something about the proceeds going to support suicide hotlines).
Why would anyone send in a secret? To release it. To be known.
Why would anyone read other people's secrets? To know people. To know yourself.
There's a new PostSecret Myspace site as well, where Frank shares more secrets and also shares some of himself. His answers to people's questions. His struggles. I like seeing into the person who organized PostSecret. And I like it when we acknowledge what lies beneath the surface.
"Have the strength to be vulnerable," he says.
~~~~~~
This is the one that impacted me most this week:
Although it's sad, the postcard itself didn't initially really touch me deeply. But this response did:
Erica amazes me. She sees someone who needs friends, who needs a best friend, and she says, "I can help. I want to be your friend. Just because you need me." She sees a need and steps in. She offers friendship to someone without knowing anything about them, without knowing whether they're crazy, without knowing whether they're the kind of friend she wants to have. She just offers her friendship because they need it. That's unconditional, isn't it. That's beautiful. And that's a lot of confidence in yourself and your friendship skills. I'm admirous.
What is it, you ask? It's a "community art project" started by a guy named Frank Warren. Four years ago he invited people (strangers) to anonymously mail to him a handmade postcard with a secret that they've never told anyone. Since then, he's received something like 200 000 secrets. He posts new ones weekly on his website (the third most popular blog on the internet), and has published books of secrets (and I think I remember something about the proceeds going to support suicide hotlines).
Why would anyone send in a secret? To release it. To be known.
Why would anyone read other people's secrets? To know people. To know yourself.
There's a new PostSecret Myspace site as well, where Frank shares more secrets and also shares some of himself. His answers to people's questions. His struggles. I like seeing into the person who organized PostSecret. And I like it when we acknowledge what lies beneath the surface.
"Have the strength to be vulnerable," he says.
~~~~~~
This is the one that impacted me most this week:
Although it's sad, the postcard itself didn't initially really touch me deeply. But this response did:Erica Rocks!
I would be her bridesmaid. Totally. In fact, get back to me and we can become friends before he proposes.
Erica amazes me. She sees someone who needs friends, who needs a best friend, and she says, "I can help. I want to be your friend. Just because you need me." She sees a need and steps in. She offers friendship to someone without knowing anything about them, without knowing whether they're crazy, without knowing whether they're the kind of friend she wants to have. She just offers her friendship because they need it. That's unconditional, isn't it. That's beautiful. And that's a lot of confidence in yourself and your friendship skills. I'm admirous.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Church 2
So church on Sunday with Katie. Twice. The night before, as I went to bed, I prayed, Jesus, might I find you?
The morning service was okay, not outstanding (for me). They talked about loving each other, a concept that perplexes me, and they didn't address my questions. I see a clash between timeless ideals and cultural norms. Romantic love and its possibility seems to constrain agape love. We are supposed to love everyone, but it's not appropriate for me to "love" all boys, for instance. I've tried substituting "care" for "love:" "I care about you" is more okay to say than "I love you." But I'm not sure if that loses something, and I don't know what to do with it when I am told to love everyone without these questions being acknowledged. I also think that the assumption that character equals Christian (and vice versa) isn't as common as we imagine.
That night we went to the young adult service. The ambiance was different (evening, dim lighting, loud music) and I think that helped me approach God more honestly - I didn't feel as dull and placid as I did at church earlier.
~ They talked about humility before God. We read about the sinful woman who anointed Jesus's feet, and how that's a picture of an ideal worshipper. It reminded me of last week at church, when they pointed out that in the story of the prodigal son, the son comes home not with demands but asking to be made like a hired servant. Humility. But that made me wonder about dignity. Can humility and dignity coexist? How much do I have dignity in my relationship with God? Do/can I approach him as a sort of equal? If I'm someone who automatically does what people tell me to without feeling like I can say no, I have boundary problems, but it is obedience to instantly and unquestioningly do what God bids. Is growth as a person compatible with growth as a Christian?
~ The worship leaders suggested taking off our shoes as we came into worship as a symbol of humility. I waited a few songs to do so because I wanted it to really mean something. Then a line in one of the songs mentioned kneeling before God, and I felt the need to kneel. But I didn't want to make Katie uncomfortable beside me (she is not really the expressive worship type) and I wasn't sure if the next song that was coming would fit with kneeling so I waited for that too. Eventually I did kneel. And somehow it feels more real, it feels easier to actually talk to God, when my face is an inch from the back of the chair in front of me, when I can shout and make faces and cry without attracting additional attention. Here were some of my prayers:
I wish the truth was better.
I'm sorry.
I won't say the nice things if I don't see that I really mean them. Things like "I love you" and "blessed be your name."
But... I want to be with you.
It feels like this is my lot. And I accept it. Surely placid acceptance is almost as good as gratitude?
~ I cried during worship. But when worship ended, I got up and was "okay" and made a joke about not having a kleenex. The crying wasn't a surprise or a new crisis. It kinda feels like I live in the crying. And so I learn to live with it. I learn to be okay in spite of it. I learn to recognize that there's a time to express it, and there's a time for it to remain under the surface.
- I sensed that We've got more fights coming...
I hope we make it.
The morning service was okay, not outstanding (for me). They talked about loving each other, a concept that perplexes me, and they didn't address my questions. I see a clash between timeless ideals and cultural norms. Romantic love and its possibility seems to constrain agape love. We are supposed to love everyone, but it's not appropriate for me to "love" all boys, for instance. I've tried substituting "care" for "love:" "I care about you" is more okay to say than "I love you." But I'm not sure if that loses something, and I don't know what to do with it when I am told to love everyone without these questions being acknowledged. I also think that the assumption that character equals Christian (and vice versa) isn't as common as we imagine.
That night we went to the young adult service. The ambiance was different (evening, dim lighting, loud music) and I think that helped me approach God more honestly - I didn't feel as dull and placid as I did at church earlier.
~ They talked about humility before God. We read about the sinful woman who anointed Jesus's feet, and how that's a picture of an ideal worshipper. It reminded me of last week at church, when they pointed out that in the story of the prodigal son, the son comes home not with demands but asking to be made like a hired servant. Humility. But that made me wonder about dignity. Can humility and dignity coexist? How much do I have dignity in my relationship with God? Do/can I approach him as a sort of equal? If I'm someone who automatically does what people tell me to without feeling like I can say no, I have boundary problems, but it is obedience to instantly and unquestioningly do what God bids. Is growth as a person compatible with growth as a Christian?
~ The worship leaders suggested taking off our shoes as we came into worship as a symbol of humility. I waited a few songs to do so because I wanted it to really mean something. Then a line in one of the songs mentioned kneeling before God, and I felt the need to kneel. But I didn't want to make Katie uncomfortable beside me (she is not really the expressive worship type) and I wasn't sure if the next song that was coming would fit with kneeling so I waited for that too. Eventually I did kneel. And somehow it feels more real, it feels easier to actually talk to God, when my face is an inch from the back of the chair in front of me, when I can shout and make faces and cry without attracting additional attention. Here were some of my prayers:
I wish the truth was better.
I'm sorry.
I won't say the nice things if I don't see that I really mean them. Things like "I love you" and "blessed be your name."
But... I want to be with you.
It feels like this is my lot. And I accept it. Surely placid acceptance is almost as good as gratitude?
~ I cried during worship. But when worship ended, I got up and was "okay" and made a joke about not having a kleenex. The crying wasn't a surprise or a new crisis. It kinda feels like I live in the crying. And so I learn to live with it. I learn to be okay in spite of it. I learn to recognize that there's a time to express it, and there's a time for it to remain under the surface.
- I sensed that We've got more fights coming...
I hope we make it.
Weekend
I went to visit Katie and Trevor and Grandma. It was good. In a few weeks I (hope I) will go visit my other friend and acknowledge her son's birthday.
I left on Saturday night. I hoped to get off work early, but that didn't turn out so well. I also had to stop at home to get some stuff together, so I got a bit of a late start and I was in a bit of a bad mood. I was tired as I left the city and it was dark and I had a long-ish drive ahead of me, so I figured I should call someone so that talking to them could keep me awake. I decided to call my Mom, and we had talked for half my trip. That was mostly nice, and it served its purpose.
My favorite part of the trip was just talking to Katie the night that I got there (I stayed with her the first night). It was hard to stop talking, say goodnight, and go to bed. And conversation with Katie never fails to make me feel better.
The next morning we got up and went to church. (I'll write more about that later.) Then we ran some errands and hung some shelves and pictures on her walls (a slight disaster). We sat in the back yard for a bit while she did some reading and I wrote a card, and then we had Trevor over for a barbecue.
It turns out Trevor had gone home for the weekend. He specifically came back early to have dinner with us, but I'd hoped to maybe spend the afternoon together or something. I felt a little disappointed by the time we did have together - it felt like we didn't have very much to say. I wondered if we have ever been able to talk really honestly or if is always just surface pretense. I wondered if I just need to let go of this friendship. He left early to turn in an assignment he was worried about. Katie and I planned to go to church (again) with him that evening, but he didn't even sit with us when he got there.
Trevor became a Christian a year ago, and I wanted to acknowledge that so I got him a "Happy Birthday, You're 1!" card. (It's hard to find 1-year-old cards that are appropriate for adults and don't talk about things like being "such a cuddly, bouncy boy," but I guess the reason for that is obvious). He read it later that night, and sent me a series of text messages that felt more like good times between us.
I spent Sunday night and Monday with Oma. We went to the Dollar Store, got Booster Juice for lunch (she'd never had it before and wanted to go when I mentioned that's what I'd done with Katie) and I treated because I was feeling like I need to start being an adult, and then we went to the elementary school to help the Grade 5 kids (including my cousin) learn to knit. It was fun but not very successful, and it inspired some doubts about my teaching ability.
I have another friend who also lives in this city: Abel. We used to be really close, but we kind of stopped talking to each other even before he moved away. A few months ago I sent him an email saying I'd probably be coming to town sometime and wondering if he'd be interested in getting together. I never heard back from him. I emailed him again this time telling him to call me if he was free, and I was surprised when he actually called! I stayed a little later than I planned so that he and I could go out for coffee, and although it was brief it was pretty good. He is doing well and that is nice to see.
Then I came home to go to bed, 'cause I had to get up stupid early the next morning for work!
I left on Saturday night. I hoped to get off work early, but that didn't turn out so well. I also had to stop at home to get some stuff together, so I got a bit of a late start and I was in a bit of a bad mood. I was tired as I left the city and it was dark and I had a long-ish drive ahead of me, so I figured I should call someone so that talking to them could keep me awake. I decided to call my Mom, and we had talked for half my trip. That was mostly nice, and it served its purpose.
My favorite part of the trip was just talking to Katie the night that I got there (I stayed with her the first night). It was hard to stop talking, say goodnight, and go to bed. And conversation with Katie never fails to make me feel better.
The next morning we got up and went to church. (I'll write more about that later.) Then we ran some errands and hung some shelves and pictures on her walls (a slight disaster). We sat in the back yard for a bit while she did some reading and I wrote a card, and then we had Trevor over for a barbecue.
It turns out Trevor had gone home for the weekend. He specifically came back early to have dinner with us, but I'd hoped to maybe spend the afternoon together or something. I felt a little disappointed by the time we did have together - it felt like we didn't have very much to say. I wondered if we have ever been able to talk really honestly or if is always just surface pretense. I wondered if I just need to let go of this friendship. He left early to turn in an assignment he was worried about. Katie and I planned to go to church (again) with him that evening, but he didn't even sit with us when he got there.
Trevor became a Christian a year ago, and I wanted to acknowledge that so I got him a "Happy Birthday, You're 1!" card. (It's hard to find 1-year-old cards that are appropriate for adults and don't talk about things like being "such a cuddly, bouncy boy," but I guess the reason for that is obvious). He read it later that night, and sent me a series of text messages that felt more like good times between us.
Hey! I just opened your card. I laughed so hard when I saw that it was Winnie the Pooh. Thank you so much though! That was so great that you remembered. I keep all of the inspirational things and letters to cheer me up in case I ever have a poor day, and you've got a good majority of the stack, so thank you! That was a great verse that you picked out too! [Zephaniah 3:17] Please do me one last favour though... Please don't reply! I hate it when you spend the fifteen cents! [Until recently, I hadn't had a text message plan on my phone.] Thanks for your friendship and your support though, it was wonderful to spend the evening with you! Have a great night, and God Bless!
I spent Sunday night and Monday with Oma. We went to the Dollar Store, got Booster Juice for lunch (she'd never had it before and wanted to go when I mentioned that's what I'd done with Katie) and I treated because I was feeling like I need to start being an adult, and then we went to the elementary school to help the Grade 5 kids (including my cousin) learn to knit. It was fun but not very successful, and it inspired some doubts about my teaching ability.
I have another friend who also lives in this city: Abel. We used to be really close, but we kind of stopped talking to each other even before he moved away. A few months ago I sent him an email saying I'd probably be coming to town sometime and wondering if he'd be interested in getting together. I never heard back from him. I emailed him again this time telling him to call me if he was free, and I was surprised when he actually called! I stayed a little later than I planned so that he and I could go out for coffee, and although it was brief it was pretty good. He is doing well and that is nice to see.
Then I came home to go to bed, 'cause I had to get up stupid early the next morning for work!
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