Four years ago on my birthday I had a couple girls over to watch a movie after work. They didn't know it was my birthday until my brother came home and gave me some barbecue sauce. I was okay with that; I didn't need them to know. Now I hardly even remember who they were. Contrast with this year: I had two birthday parties and everyone knew it was my birthday because I kept talking about it. "It's my birthday! It's my birthday! It's my birthday!" I wonder why I needed so much more attention this year... It was nice, though, to have friends who were eager to celebrate with me. In the future when I look back on this birthday I won't need to wonder what the names of my birthday companions were and whatever happened to them.
My birthday was good. I worked. Last year I was off for my birthday and it was so stressful and miserable to try to figure out what to do that I thought it would be better to just work this year. At least then I knew I would be surrounded by people and occupied. Plus, I think that to some degree it was a choice to spend my birthday with my coworkers. They are an important community to me. One work friend made me pies for my birthday which I got to share with other coworkers I'm fond of on break, and that was joyful for me. "Want some pie? It's my birthday!" It really made my day. Oh, and another guy sang me a depressing happy birthday song really loudly on my last break, and I loved that attention.
After work I had plans with two friends - I just didn't know what they were. I only knew I needed to come home after work. I wasn't sure what to expect or how high to let my hopes rise, but we had a good night. They looked back on my list of parties I hoped to host when I moved here for something I hadn't done yet, and we had a knitting party. After we had cake we put on a movie and we knitted. And there were even knitting goody bags, full of knitting notions. I was really touched by the thought they put in to what they planned.
There were other friends I wanted to celebrate my birthday with too, so I decided to have a little birthday party on another day - a Chocolate Fountain Birthday Party (another from my list). That was a lot of fun. It was a chance for me to get together with my best friends from different circles of my life - Work, Recent School, Past School, and a few Unconnecteds - and to give them a chance to get to know each other so they can put a face with a name when I talk about them. And we ate a lot of fruit and other stuff dipped in chocolate. Mmmmm. My favorite was the cream puffs. It was a good night.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Invitation
Chocolate Fountain Birthday Party
Come celebrate my birthday with me and the chocolate!
Wednesday July 16
7:00 at my place
Come celebrate my birthday with me and the chocolate!
Wednesday July 16
7:00 at my place
Bring something to dip in chocolate!
(Please let me know if you can make it!) Sunday, July 6, 2008
I Can't Stand Dale
So, I'm having a problem with a guy at work. The problem is that he's insane. Not insane like the schizophrenic supervisor who went off his meds and told us to go out for buggies when we were already half an hour late for break, and then quit. This guy does things that make sense, but in the most frustrating, aggravating way possible. And I'd actually rather have the schizophrenic guy around.
He's always been odd, with his bleach phobia (that's right) and the way he used to call you "buddy" a hundred times a shift. I'm not your buddy!! Recently he got a promotion, and I think it went to his head to make him all the crazier. I've never been his fan, but the last few weeks with him have been awful.
We've tried to diagnose him. There's some OCD in there. One person called it separation anxiety (and just as we were talking about this he came on the radio: "Michelle? I don't see you. Where are you, Michelle?"). Another person thinks he has an anger problem, repressed rage (he expresses his frustration on people who aren't the cause). I think he can't handle easy-going-ness or a lack of structure, so he feels the need to impose structure by telling everyone what to do.
Beyond the vague accusation of "insanity" and our stabs at a psychiatric label, I'm trying to figure out exactly what my problem is with him. Here's what it looks like on my side: He frustrates me to no end. I want to be as far away from him as possible, and work is a million times better when he has days off or goes on vacation. I often have to clench my fists to endure a conversation (however minimal) with him, and sometimes I have to curl up my toes as well. I leave every exchange feeling angry and he saps my desire to live. I don't like who I am in these situations, and I'm not proud of how much I vent about it to other people.
Unfortunately (?) I'm having a hard time identifying what it is about him that makes me feel this way. Then I wonder if it's just me... But how my day turns out is pretty dependant on how much interaction I have with him. And everyone else assures me it's not just me, it's him. Plus, I'm not the only one who has a problem with him - there are very few who don't.
The only time he admits he didn't know something is when I tell him that something he did didn't need to be done. "Here's an MPH." "Oh, I already got one." "Well no one told me!" The rest of the time it's: "This cashier is an hour late for break." "Oh yeah, I know." "That person was off ten minutes ago." "I've got it covered." Perhaps he thinks it makes the person feel better that he didn't forget them, but I would feel worse knowing that he knew and didn't fix it. I've realized it's not worth telling him anything since he already knows it all. But the other part of me is convinced that he just pretends he already knew what I just told him, and he does need the reminder. But I'm tired of hearing "I don't need to be told that."
He doesn't listen. I start to say something and he interrupts, so I just stop talking. Actually, lately I have just stopped talking for the most part. When he says something I ignore him, just stand there, or "hmm." That's not very nice of me, but I can't talk to him.
He's been telling us what to do a lot. And that's not so bad for the people below him - it's often his job to organize them. But I fill the same role he does. He doesn't need say, "I'll get you to go for break now" or "I'll get you back to your zone please." On one hand, as I complain about this, I realize that it's fair for supervisors to make requests of each other in order for everything to run smoothly, and the person "running the board" has the best view of the whole picture and sees best what everyone (including the other supervisors) needs to do. But interactions between all the other supervisors work much more pleasantly. I think that's because we see each other as equals and so our requests come across differently and we're open to each other's input, whereas with him it feels like a hierarchy with him on top giving the orders. He's not my manager.
He tries to be very nice, encouraging, and appreciative. And for some reason that is so frustrating. I wish he'd just say nothing at all. It also makes it hard to complain against. I can't say, "He was rude and disrespectful;" I can only say, "It made me want to punch him when he thanked me for doing a good job. Shut up!" Someone said that it's because he's not sincere. I'm not sure if that's it - I imagine he thinks he means what he says. It's just that I do not want him to encourage me, notice me, or say anything to me. Somehow his "niceness" is a huge part of the problem.
Sometimes I can see his reasons behind what he does. Unfortunately that doesn't make me more understanding - he still bothers me to no end. Instead, seeing where he's coming from makes me fear that I am just like him. I try to be nice too. I try to tell people I appreciate their work. I probably end up interrupting people without realizing it. Everyone assures me that I'm nothing like him, and I believe them but I wonder what makes me different.
Eventually/soonish I'll have to have a talk with him. I just have no idea what to say. I hoped that writing this out would clarify some of my issues for me, but I don't think it has. I don't know what to expect by bringing things up with him - I'd love to say, "I have a problem with you doing this objectively bad thing, so please stop it," but all my complaints feel so subjective. Maybe I'll bring it up with a manager. Then I can tell them about how he drives me crazy and ask for their input on the situation. If nothing else, it will add my vote to the anti-fan club.
He's always been odd, with his bleach phobia (that's right) and the way he used to call you "buddy" a hundred times a shift. I'm not your buddy!! Recently he got a promotion, and I think it went to his head to make him all the crazier. I've never been his fan, but the last few weeks with him have been awful.
We've tried to diagnose him. There's some OCD in there. One person called it separation anxiety (and just as we were talking about this he came on the radio: "Michelle? I don't see you. Where are you, Michelle?"). Another person thinks he has an anger problem, repressed rage (he expresses his frustration on people who aren't the cause). I think he can't handle easy-going-ness or a lack of structure, so he feels the need to impose structure by telling everyone what to do.
Beyond the vague accusation of "insanity" and our stabs at a psychiatric label, I'm trying to figure out exactly what my problem is with him. Here's what it looks like on my side: He frustrates me to no end. I want to be as far away from him as possible, and work is a million times better when he has days off or goes on vacation. I often have to clench my fists to endure a conversation (however minimal) with him, and sometimes I have to curl up my toes as well. I leave every exchange feeling angry and he saps my desire to live. I don't like who I am in these situations, and I'm not proud of how much I vent about it to other people.
Unfortunately (?) I'm having a hard time identifying what it is about him that makes me feel this way. Then I wonder if it's just me... But how my day turns out is pretty dependant on how much interaction I have with him. And everyone else assures me it's not just me, it's him. Plus, I'm not the only one who has a problem with him - there are very few who don't.
The only time he admits he didn't know something is when I tell him that something he did didn't need to be done. "Here's an MPH." "Oh, I already got one." "Well no one told me!" The rest of the time it's: "This cashier is an hour late for break." "Oh yeah, I know." "That person was off ten minutes ago." "I've got it covered." Perhaps he thinks it makes the person feel better that he didn't forget them, but I would feel worse knowing that he knew and didn't fix it. I've realized it's not worth telling him anything since he already knows it all. But the other part of me is convinced that he just pretends he already knew what I just told him, and he does need the reminder. But I'm tired of hearing "I don't need to be told that."
He doesn't listen. I start to say something and he interrupts, so I just stop talking. Actually, lately I have just stopped talking for the most part. When he says something I ignore him, just stand there, or "hmm." That's not very nice of me, but I can't talk to him.
He's been telling us what to do a lot. And that's not so bad for the people below him - it's often his job to organize them. But I fill the same role he does. He doesn't need say, "I'll get you to go for break now" or "I'll get you back to your zone please." On one hand, as I complain about this, I realize that it's fair for supervisors to make requests of each other in order for everything to run smoothly, and the person "running the board" has the best view of the whole picture and sees best what everyone (including the other supervisors) needs to do. But interactions between all the other supervisors work much more pleasantly. I think that's because we see each other as equals and so our requests come across differently and we're open to each other's input, whereas with him it feels like a hierarchy with him on top giving the orders. He's not my manager.
He tries to be very nice, encouraging, and appreciative. And for some reason that is so frustrating. I wish he'd just say nothing at all. It also makes it hard to complain against. I can't say, "He was rude and disrespectful;" I can only say, "It made me want to punch him when he thanked me for doing a good job. Shut up!" Someone said that it's because he's not sincere. I'm not sure if that's it - I imagine he thinks he means what he says. It's just that I do not want him to encourage me, notice me, or say anything to me. Somehow his "niceness" is a huge part of the problem.
Sometimes I can see his reasons behind what he does. Unfortunately that doesn't make me more understanding - he still bothers me to no end. Instead, seeing where he's coming from makes me fear that I am just like him. I try to be nice too. I try to tell people I appreciate their work. I probably end up interrupting people without realizing it. Everyone assures me that I'm nothing like him, and I believe them but I wonder what makes me different.
Eventually/soonish I'll have to have a talk with him. I just have no idea what to say. I hoped that writing this out would clarify some of my issues for me, but I don't think it has. I don't know what to expect by bringing things up with him - I'd love to say, "I have a problem with you doing this objectively bad thing, so please stop it," but all my complaints feel so subjective. Maybe I'll bring it up with a manager. Then I can tell them about how he drives me crazy and ask for their input on the situation. If nothing else, it will add my vote to the anti-fan club.
Saturday, July 5, 2008
Chocolate Oatmeal Peanut Butter Chip Cookies
My family has two classic cookie recipes. This is the more special, less commonly made one of the two. It's my brother's favorite, and it's what I made tonight.
1 cup butter
1 1/2 cups sugar
2 eggs
2 tsp vanilla
1 1/2 cups flour
1/2 cup cocoa
3/4 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp salt
2 cups oatmeal
2 cups peanut butter chips
Cream butter and sugar. Add eggs and vanilla; beat well. Combine flour, cocoa, baking soda and salt, and add to creamed mixture. Stir in oatmeal and peanut butter chips. Bake on an ungreased cookie sheet at 350 for 9-12 minutes.
1 cup butter
1 1/2 cups sugar
2 eggs
2 tsp vanilla
1 1/2 cups flour
1/2 cup cocoa
3/4 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp salt
2 cups oatmeal
2 cups peanut butter chips
Cream butter and sugar. Add eggs and vanilla; beat well. Combine flour, cocoa, baking soda and salt, and add to creamed mixture. Stir in oatmeal and peanut butter chips. Bake on an ungreased cookie sheet at 350 for 9-12 minutes.
"It's You"
I bought the Chronicles of Narnia in Radio Theatre form, and I've been listening to them on my kitchen CD player lately while baking or cooking. They're pretty good - they stay quite true to the original stories, just with more dialogue and less narration, and it's nice that they don't require your undivided attention like reading does. My greatest critique is that they got Aslan's voice wrong - he sounds all spooky. Still, I'm pleased.I've been doing a lot of baking lately - I share it at work after close on the weekends - so I've been doing a lot of listening lately. I finished up The Voyage of the Dawn Treader tonight as I was washing the dishes.
The children are talking to Aslan, a goodbye before returning home, and Lucy asks Aslan when they can return to Narnia again. He tells them that they won't return. This is the worst news they could hear. "'It isn't Narnia, you know,' sobbed Lucy. 'It's you. We shan't meet you there. And how can we live, never meeting you?'" In Narnia she was a queen, she was respected, she had fantastic adventures, she had friends and people she cared about. But that didn't matter to her. What she couldn't bear living without was Aslan. It's you.
I started to cry. Hands in the dishwater, mascara running down my cheeks.
Just to be with you, I'd do anything.
Contemplative.
(Other beautiful things were said to conclude the story too. But this is what touched my soul.)
Friday, July 4, 2008
This Moment
One thirty in the morning. Not a soul in sight.
Sitting on my balcony. It's beautiful out tonight. Twenty-five still? I love summer right now. And I don't think the mosquitos can find me here. That or it's dark enough that I just don't see them.
Peace. Waiting.
I've been doing that a lot lately, or trying to at least - waiting. I recently heard something about taking time for prayer standing in contrast to our super busy, always-on-the-run society, and I liked that. I also read something about silence a few weeks ago that inspired me to take time most days to just sit and be quiet and... wait. Not for anything in particular, perhaps just for God, though I don't know what that would look like. I realized that I want to be the kind of person who nurtures my soul, and I felt like this contributes to that. (But I've skipped it for the last few days, so perhaps this habit has already run its course.)
My Dad is going to come and visit me tomorrow! He's passing by on his way to visit Oma, and he'll stop in here for ice cream and soda or something before I go to work. I'm looking forward to that. Not that I expect our time together to be great, but I like every little way that he says "I want to be a part of your life," and visiting him just makes me too sad to be worth the effort right now. Plus, it gave me a reason to clean up my place (er, most of my place).
That's the thing about messiness and laziness. It's hard to clean unless you feel like you have a reason to do so, like someone coming over. But you avoid having people over because it's messy. But then you never have a reason to clean. It's nice when something happens to break that cycle. Maybe I can make it last...
I've have the last four days off. Tues was a stat, and I wanted Mon off so I took a vacation day, and then I had my two regular days off. I didn't realize that would add up to four days away from work, and I was a little apprehensive about filling the time. But it was good. I had a Blitz Barbecue, a meeting with the ex, a phone call from a friend, a movie afternoon, and a nap, plus I got some reading and crocheting done. And I feel better at the end of it. I've gone home to visit Mom for my days off the past two weeks, so it was nice to just spend some time at home here.
I've noticed lately that when I don't need to get up for anything, I tend to sleep for ten hours. So I figured I should try to give myself that even when I do have to get up at a certain time. It's not going to happen tonight, but I had a ridiculously long nap today so hopefully whatever I get will be enough. I am going to bed.
Adieu. Goodnight.
Sitting on my balcony. It's beautiful out tonight. Twenty-five still? I love summer right now. And I don't think the mosquitos can find me here. That or it's dark enough that I just don't see them.
Peace. Waiting.
I've been doing that a lot lately, or trying to at least - waiting. I recently heard something about taking time for prayer standing in contrast to our super busy, always-on-the-run society, and I liked that. I also read something about silence a few weeks ago that inspired me to take time most days to just sit and be quiet and... wait. Not for anything in particular, perhaps just for God, though I don't know what that would look like. I realized that I want to be the kind of person who nurtures my soul, and I felt like this contributes to that. (But I've skipped it for the last few days, so perhaps this habit has already run its course.)
My Dad is going to come and visit me tomorrow! He's passing by on his way to visit Oma, and he'll stop in here for ice cream and soda or something before I go to work. I'm looking forward to that. Not that I expect our time together to be great, but I like every little way that he says "I want to be a part of your life," and visiting him just makes me too sad to be worth the effort right now. Plus, it gave me a reason to clean up my place (er, most of my place).
That's the thing about messiness and laziness. It's hard to clean unless you feel like you have a reason to do so, like someone coming over. But you avoid having people over because it's messy. But then you never have a reason to clean. It's nice when something happens to break that cycle. Maybe I can make it last...
I've have the last four days off. Tues was a stat, and I wanted Mon off so I took a vacation day, and then I had my two regular days off. I didn't realize that would add up to four days away from work, and I was a little apprehensive about filling the time. But it was good. I had a Blitz Barbecue, a meeting with the ex, a phone call from a friend, a movie afternoon, and a nap, plus I got some reading and crocheting done. And I feel better at the end of it. I've gone home to visit Mom for my days off the past two weeks, so it was nice to just spend some time at home here.
I've noticed lately that when I don't need to get up for anything, I tend to sleep for ten hours. So I figured I should try to give myself that even when I do have to get up at a certain time. It's not going to happen tonight, but I had a ridiculously long nap today so hopefully whatever I get will be enough. I am going to bed.
Adieu. Goodnight.
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
The Talk
Sitting in Starbucks, after having gone to see a movie, after having gone for dinner.
"Penny for your thoughts?"
"Well, you said that there was something you wanted to talk about. I was wondering if that had come up yet."
"No, I, uh, didn't know how to bring it up..."
"Well, how about now?"
"No, um, now I'm trying to stall."
Half an hour later, when they tell us they're closing: "I'm still trying to stall."
Finally: "I wanted to apologize to you. When I think back on our relationship, I'm not proud of some of the things I did. I'm not proud of who I was. I was not a good boyfriend to you. I took things from you that were not mine to take. So I guess I'm trying to say I'm sorry."
I listened. Then I thanked him for his apologies. And now I'm thinking.
Back when he first suggested getting together to talk something over, I thought that this might be one of the reasons why. I figured then that if he apologized it would be the hardest option for me because I would have to reciprocate. But now, a few months later, it wasn't that bad. Nor was it that good, at least for me. I said I was sorry for the difficulty I caused him, and I meant it, but it wasn't especially heartfelt on my end. I could say that I don't regret dating him, but I didn't apologize for specifics or talk about forgiveness because I'm not sure where I am on those journeys right now.
I've learned over the years that it can take exceptionally long to really get over someone - way way longer that you would expect - and you can think that things are settled way more than they really are. Also, as much as they say that forgiveness is a choice, I think that it is something that grows slowly and sneaks up on you. When the growth is slow and gradual it is hard to rate your progress. I know that there is true forgiveness between Ryan (my first boyfriend) and I because five years after we broke up we exchanged apologies in what became a big emotional healing experience for me. Now my heart wishes him well and I am honestly proud of who he has become. Jason (my second boyfriend) and I didn't really have an experience like that, and so although I imagine that I have dealt with it, that may not be completely true and some healing may remain. I can't just make it happen; I have to wait until the time is ripe. It's only been two years since Joel and I broke up. On one hand that is a long time, and we have gone through many stages of getting over that relationship, but the process is not complete and to me forgiveness feels like a concluding word that I don't want to use prematurely.
Of course, the situation with Joel is different than the ones that preceded it, and I'm not sure how that changes the healing process. Never before did it last so long. Never before did I want to get out of the relationship, was I relieved when it was over. Never before was I the one to end it. Never before was there so much for them to apologize for. Never before did we really remain in touch afterwards.
I look back on our relationship as a part of my life, my story, which overall I am learning not to despise. I don't connect the events with him so much. It's like I said to Ryan when he apologized for the pain that relationship caused me - I couldn't deny the pain, but I didn't blame him for it. Sometimes I tell horror stories about my time with Joel, but I mean for them to say more about me and my experiences than about him. Maybe that's forgiveness-ish.
I'm not the only one experiencing this post-relationship - he is dealing with it too, and I want to be sensitive to that. He mentioned tonight that this winter someone invited him to a weekly thing that I attend, but he declined because he didn't think he could handle seeing me that often... What does he need from me to help him get over it? Perhaps expressions of forgiveness...
"Penny for your thoughts?"
"Well, you said that there was something you wanted to talk about. I was wondering if that had come up yet."
"No, I, uh, didn't know how to bring it up..."
"Well, how about now?"
"No, um, now I'm trying to stall."
Half an hour later, when they tell us they're closing: "I'm still trying to stall."
Finally: "I wanted to apologize to you. When I think back on our relationship, I'm not proud of some of the things I did. I'm not proud of who I was. I was not a good boyfriend to you. I took things from you that were not mine to take. So I guess I'm trying to say I'm sorry."
I listened. Then I thanked him for his apologies. And now I'm thinking.
Back when he first suggested getting together to talk something over, I thought that this might be one of the reasons why. I figured then that if he apologized it would be the hardest option for me because I would have to reciprocate. But now, a few months later, it wasn't that bad. Nor was it that good, at least for me. I said I was sorry for the difficulty I caused him, and I meant it, but it wasn't especially heartfelt on my end. I could say that I don't regret dating him, but I didn't apologize for specifics or talk about forgiveness because I'm not sure where I am on those journeys right now.
I've learned over the years that it can take exceptionally long to really get over someone - way way longer that you would expect - and you can think that things are settled way more than they really are. Also, as much as they say that forgiveness is a choice, I think that it is something that grows slowly and sneaks up on you. When the growth is slow and gradual it is hard to rate your progress. I know that there is true forgiveness between Ryan (my first boyfriend) and I because five years after we broke up we exchanged apologies in what became a big emotional healing experience for me. Now my heart wishes him well and I am honestly proud of who he has become. Jason (my second boyfriend) and I didn't really have an experience like that, and so although I imagine that I have dealt with it, that may not be completely true and some healing may remain. I can't just make it happen; I have to wait until the time is ripe. It's only been two years since Joel and I broke up. On one hand that is a long time, and we have gone through many stages of getting over that relationship, but the process is not complete and to me forgiveness feels like a concluding word that I don't want to use prematurely.
Of course, the situation with Joel is different than the ones that preceded it, and I'm not sure how that changes the healing process. Never before did it last so long. Never before did I want to get out of the relationship, was I relieved when it was over. Never before was I the one to end it. Never before was there so much for them to apologize for. Never before did we really remain in touch afterwards.
I look back on our relationship as a part of my life, my story, which overall I am learning not to despise. I don't connect the events with him so much. It's like I said to Ryan when he apologized for the pain that relationship caused me - I couldn't deny the pain, but I didn't blame him for it. Sometimes I tell horror stories about my time with Joel, but I mean for them to say more about me and my experiences than about him. Maybe that's forgiveness-ish.
I'm not the only one experiencing this post-relationship - he is dealing with it too, and I want to be sensitive to that. He mentioned tonight that this winter someone invited him to a weekly thing that I attend, but he declined because he didn't think he could handle seeing me that often... What does he need from me to help him get over it? Perhaps expressions of forgiveness...
Sunday, June 29, 2008
"With You"
This song came on the radio as I was driving to work today.
I didn't really listen to the first half of it. I was busy thinking, "didn't they just play Third Day?"
I tuned in around the chorus. Just to be with you, I'd do anything. "Ah," I though, "another 'I love Jesus my boyfriend' song. 'I'd do anything to be with Jesus...'" (I've become critical... and I'm sorry.)
Then the second verse started. Our grandiose exclamations of love are silly. But then -- I never swam the deepest ocean, but I walked upon the raging sea.
It's not "I want to be with you, Jesus," it's "I want to be with you, Michelle." Just to be with you I'd do anything. Just to be with you I gave everything.
And I just started to cry.
I didn't really listen to the first half of it. I was busy thinking, "didn't they just play Third Day?"
I tuned in around the chorus. Just to be with you, I'd do anything. "Ah," I though, "another 'I love Jesus my boyfriend' song. 'I'd do anything to be with Jesus...'" (I've become critical... and I'm sorry.)
Then the second verse started. Our grandiose exclamations of love are silly. But then -- I never swam the deepest ocean, but I walked upon the raging sea.
It's not "I want to be with you, Jesus," it's "I want to be with you, Michelle." Just to be with you I'd do anything. Just to be with you I gave everything.
And I just started to cry.
I believe in God the Father Almighty,
maker of heaven and earth,
and in Jesus Christ, his only Son, our Lord,
who was conceived by the Holy Spirit,
was born of the Virgin Mary,
(walked upon the water to his disciples),
suffered under Pontius Pilate,
was crucified, died and was buried.
He descended into hell.
On the third day he rose again from the dead.
He ascended into heaven,
where he sits at the right hand of God the Father Almighty
and from whence he will come to judge the quick and the dead.
I believe in the Holy Spirit,
the holy catholic church,
the communion of saints,
the forgiveness of sins,
the resurrection of the body
and the life everlasting.
maker of heaven and earth,
and in Jesus Christ, his only Son, our Lord,
who was conceived by the Holy Spirit,
was born of the Virgin Mary,
(walked upon the water to his disciples),
suffered under Pontius Pilate,
was crucified, died and was buried.
He descended into hell.
On the third day he rose again from the dead.
He ascended into heaven,
where he sits at the right hand of God the Father Almighty
and from whence he will come to judge the quick and the dead.
I believe in the Holy Spirit,
the holy catholic church,
the communion of saints,
the forgiveness of sins,
the resurrection of the body
and the life everlasting.
Friday, June 27, 2008
Nostalgia
I shopped at my favorite grocery store yesterday. I like it because when you walk in it kinda feels like an open air market, and it's open late. It used to be so close to my house; now the nearest one is an hour and a half away from me. Revisiting this grocery store reminded me of the time of my life when I shopped there regularly. It was brand new back then. I once stopped in there after work to buy polysporin. Another time I found bulk cherry pie filling there and I made Megan a pie. I bought watermelon there to bring to Inid's potluck wedding. They used to have an easy "donate money to the food bank" option. The warehouse-pack aisle feels especially like home to me. Memories. The past is always a little bittersweet.
Today we went to the store where I used to work. That was really strange. Lots of things are just a little bit different than the one I'm at now, and it just felt really foreign to me (even though I spent more time working there than I have where I am now). Plus, around every corner I kept expecting to see the people I currently work with. The experience showed me that the store I'm at now has become home to me.
Today we went to the store where I used to work. That was really strange. Lots of things are just a little bit different than the one I'm at now, and it just felt really foreign to me (even though I spent more time working there than I have where I am now). Plus, around every corner I kept expecting to see the people I currently work with. The experience showed me that the store I'm at now has become home to me.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Singleness?
Today is my two year single-versary. My last relationship ended two years ago. It ended badly so I learned to associate relationships with nausea and I've loved singleness. But I think I'm beginning to move on.
This has been a recent development. You see, Katie got a boyfriend and now I think I might want one too.
The other day he was visiting her at work and bringing her lunch, and I saw them and something in me said, "I want that." But, I'm not sure exactly what it is that I think I want. The attention? Maybe - I do like attention. But I don't know if I actually want that much attention from someone. There are other aspects of Katie's new relationship that I don't know that I really want either - for instance, she has hardly been home since she started dating him. I know I value my space so that would drive me crazy. I think I see that Katie is happy, and maybe that is what I am drawn to. "I want to be happy."
The thing is, I'm getting tired of being alone and I'm not okay when I'm alone too much. And it is so much work for me to make social plans. Once upon a time I was mentioning this to Justin at work and he suggested that if I had a boyfriend, that would help solve my problem of spending too much time at home alone. I think he's right.
But... I'm not sure that anyone I know would be good for me or would have me.
The more I define myself, the more I define the kind of person that I would match well with. For instance, I have a college degree now. That shows that academics and intelligence are important to me, and (for instance) a high school drop-out is not my best choice. I may consider pursuing a master's, and I would want someone who would fully support me if I made that decision (if they were still around). But I might not do that, and my lack of drivenness needs to be okay too.
My spiritual life is in a tricky place and I would be hard pressed to find someone who would understand. I'm a Christian who doesn't say she loves God, doesn't go to church, and is just trying to hang on through the doubts. I'd need someone who is some degree of Christian, who's not fanatical, and who doesn't judge me for where I am. Moreover, I feel like the spiritual disposition of the person I intend a future with affects the trajectory of my own.
My emotional stability isn't stellar, and I've never known how to bring that into a relationship in an honest and healthy way. Even though some people seem to do it, I've also heard that healthy relationships are made out of healthy people and that's been my experience (even though I tried to deny it). I don't know how to let someone be there when I'm not okay. I don't know what kind of response I want from them. Of course sympathetic support sounds great, but sometimes that makes me feel smothered and held down at the same time that I feel pressured by them to be okay. Also, I don't know how to not carry someone else's baggage, so when they aren't well that sends me on a downspin.
So since I know I'm crazy, I can't highly recommend myself as a girlfriend. Therefore I don't feel like dating me would be a good thing for the guys I care about, since I wouldn't want to hurt them. That only leaves me with guys I don't care so much about...
So, now that I've exchanged the school setting for the work setting, I'm no longer in a world where we all say that saving sex for marriage is the ideal. I think the world that I live in now considers sex a right of dating. If I become someone's girlfriend, they are probably going to think that that means they get physical privileges - especially if I am avoiding fanatical Christians...
Katie's boyfriend has a roommate. We all hung out together once, and that could happen again. He's the one who danced with me a lot at the Christmas party. He's a little slimy, but he's got a great smile. And he surprised me by dating someone else who has similar values to me. Maybe he's not who I expect him to be.
A sort of Christian who would probably be willing to wait for sex, who understood my issues through some of his own and was supportive without being burdening, who told me he cared, and who (they say) loved me. Shane, I miss you. And I wonder...
This has been a recent development. You see, Katie got a boyfriend and now I think I might want one too.
The other day he was visiting her at work and bringing her lunch, and I saw them and something in me said, "I want that." But, I'm not sure exactly what it is that I think I want. The attention? Maybe - I do like attention. But I don't know if I actually want that much attention from someone. There are other aspects of Katie's new relationship that I don't know that I really want either - for instance, she has hardly been home since she started dating him. I know I value my space so that would drive me crazy. I think I see that Katie is happy, and maybe that is what I am drawn to. "I want to be happy."
The thing is, I'm getting tired of being alone and I'm not okay when I'm alone too much. And it is so much work for me to make social plans. Once upon a time I was mentioning this to Justin at work and he suggested that if I had a boyfriend, that would help solve my problem of spending too much time at home alone. I think he's right.
But... I'm not sure that anyone I know would be good for me or would have me.
The more I define myself, the more I define the kind of person that I would match well with. For instance, I have a college degree now. That shows that academics and intelligence are important to me, and (for instance) a high school drop-out is not my best choice. I may consider pursuing a master's, and I would want someone who would fully support me if I made that decision (if they were still around). But I might not do that, and my lack of drivenness needs to be okay too.
My spiritual life is in a tricky place and I would be hard pressed to find someone who would understand. I'm a Christian who doesn't say she loves God, doesn't go to church, and is just trying to hang on through the doubts. I'd need someone who is some degree of Christian, who's not fanatical, and who doesn't judge me for where I am. Moreover, I feel like the spiritual disposition of the person I intend a future with affects the trajectory of my own.
My emotional stability isn't stellar, and I've never known how to bring that into a relationship in an honest and healthy way. Even though some people seem to do it, I've also heard that healthy relationships are made out of healthy people and that's been my experience (even though I tried to deny it). I don't know how to let someone be there when I'm not okay. I don't know what kind of response I want from them. Of course sympathetic support sounds great, but sometimes that makes me feel smothered and held down at the same time that I feel pressured by them to be okay. Also, I don't know how to not carry someone else's baggage, so when they aren't well that sends me on a downspin.
So since I know I'm crazy, I can't highly recommend myself as a girlfriend. Therefore I don't feel like dating me would be a good thing for the guys I care about, since I wouldn't want to hurt them. That only leaves me with guys I don't care so much about...
So, now that I've exchanged the school setting for the work setting, I'm no longer in a world where we all say that saving sex for marriage is the ideal. I think the world that I live in now considers sex a right of dating. If I become someone's girlfriend, they are probably going to think that that means they get physical privileges - especially if I am avoiding fanatical Christians...
Katie's boyfriend has a roommate. We all hung out together once, and that could happen again. He's the one who danced with me a lot at the Christmas party. He's a little slimy, but he's got a great smile. And he surprised me by dating someone else who has similar values to me. Maybe he's not who I expect him to be.
A sort of Christian who would probably be willing to wait for sex, who understood my issues through some of his own and was supportive without being burdening, who told me he cared, and who (they say) loved me. Shane, I miss you. And I wonder...
Celebrations
Sometimes it doesn't all go wrong, and I find things to celebrate!
- On Tues Jody bandaged up my cut finger, Jeff cared that I was having a bad day and offered me a hug, and they pulled Anson to help me.
- My finger is healing pretty well. The cheese slicer is going in the garbage.
- I have some pretty superb bandaids.
- My finger is a good enough excuse not to do the dishes today.
- I mowed Mom's lawn yesterday and I feel good about that.
- I got to see a friend today and play with her baby. She sacrificed to see me, and I appreciate that.
- My landlords are offering to renew my lease.
- I wrote an email I've been meaning to write for a while.
- I made banana cake in time to take it to share at work for Kurt's birthday.
Success is still in the future for...
a calling Telus
a calling Visa
a cleaning my house
a unpacking my car
- On Tues Jody bandaged up my cut finger, Jeff cared that I was having a bad day and offered me a hug, and they pulled Anson to help me.
- My finger is healing pretty well. The cheese slicer is going in the garbage.
- I have some pretty superb bandaids.
- My finger is a good enough excuse not to do the dishes today.
- I mowed Mom's lawn yesterday and I feel good about that.
- I got to see a friend today and play with her baby. She sacrificed to see me, and I appreciate that.
- My landlords are offering to renew my lease.
- I wrote an email I've been meaning to write for a while.
- I made banana cake in time to take it to share at work for Kurt's birthday.
Success is still in the future for...
a calling Telus
a calling Visa
a cleaning my house
a unpacking my car
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Tired
I am so tired. And it's not just that I'm not getting enough sleep or that I'm extra busy. I don't know what it is. Or maybe I do. It's really really hard to get up in the "morning," and then all day long my head feels foggy and I feel like I would like nothing more than to go back to sleep. (But then I finally feel better in the evening when I am home, so I don't end up getting to bed early.) Being tired makes me grumpy though, and I've been in a bad mood for no good reason a lot at work lately. Little things have been making me mad. I often find work a nice distraction, but lately it's taken like four hours for that to kick in.
I am considering going on antidepressants again. Not that they worked all that well the first time (about four years ago), but I figure that life should probably be enjoyed and not just endured... But really, even if I decide that this would be a good thing to do, it's unlikely that I will actually make it happen because medication requires doctors, and there isn't much that's worth the hassle of doctors when your only option is a walk-in clinic.
I am considering going on antidepressants again. Not that they worked all that well the first time (about four years ago), but I figure that life should probably be enjoyed and not just endured... But really, even if I decide that this would be a good thing to do, it's unlikely that I will actually make it happen because medication requires doctors, and there isn't much that's worth the hassle of doctors when your only option is a walk-in clinic.
Saturday, June 21, 2008
Happy Summer
It's summertime now! Happy Solstice!
My favorite part of the 'summer' is already coming to an end, even though the official season has only just started - the part with no bugs. So I guess what I like is spring time, when the weather is becoming pleasant but the bugs haven't come out yet. After this the days are getting shorter and the bugs are ruining the outside.
The mascara for summer is Maybelline Great Lash. The best feature about this mascara is the brightly colored tube. Yay pink and green!
Update: I'm not such a fan. I don't think it was like this last time I used it, but it takes forever to dry so I basically have to wipe it off of the end of my lashes or else it gives me a line of black spots under my eyebrows. Plus, it's not waterproof at all so it smudges a lot and it totally runs if it gets wet. And somehow it's still really hard to get off at the end of the day... I hope the summer goes quickly so I can start a new mascara!
My favorite part of the 'summer' is already coming to an end, even though the official season has only just started - the part with no bugs. So I guess what I like is spring time, when the weather is becoming pleasant but the bugs haven't come out yet. After this the days are getting shorter and the bugs are ruining the outside.
The mascara for summer is Maybelline Great Lash. The best feature about this mascara is the brightly colored tube. Yay pink and green!
Update: I'm not such a fan. I don't think it was like this last time I used it, but it takes forever to dry so I basically have to wipe it off of the end of my lashes or else it gives me a line of black spots under my eyebrows. Plus, it's not waterproof at all so it smudges a lot and it totally runs if it gets wet. And somehow it's still really hard to get off at the end of the day... I hope the summer goes quickly so I can start a new mascara!
Friday, June 20, 2008
Babylon
I've been reading Jeremiah lately (yay me). It's been foreshadowing the exile a lot. Yesterday I came across this:
I don't really expect things like this to come up in the Bible.
Did God make this happen, an intended part of the exile, or is it merely an observation of what would occur? Does God want people to be suicidal?
Is God different now than in the Old Testament? Don't we say that the Old Testament has enduring value because it shows us God's character?
We talk about how God would never do awful things to us, but the exile was pretty awful. Possibly deserved, but horrible nonetheless. Sometimes God doesn't save.
I was thinking about this as I drove to work, and suddenly I realized that this hits me in more than one way. Many years ago I had the sense that this time of darkness was an exile, was Babylon. It is an imperfect analogy, but it is one picture interpreting my circumstances. I am in exile in Babylon, where I relate to preferring death to life.
I think that doing good things should make me feel good. Reading the Bible in the morning when I wake up should increase my wellbeing, not my despair.
Wherever I banish them, all the survivors of this evil nation will prefer death to life, declares the Lord Almighty. (Jeremiah 8:3)Prefer death to life...
I don't really expect things like this to come up in the Bible.
Did God make this happen, an intended part of the exile, or is it merely an observation of what would occur? Does God want people to be suicidal?
Is God different now than in the Old Testament? Don't we say that the Old Testament has enduring value because it shows us God's character?
We talk about how God would never do awful things to us, but the exile was pretty awful. Possibly deserved, but horrible nonetheless. Sometimes God doesn't save.
I was thinking about this as I drove to work, and suddenly I realized that this hits me in more than one way. Many years ago I had the sense that this time of darkness was an exile, was Babylon. It is an imperfect analogy, but it is one picture interpreting my circumstances. I am in exile in Babylon, where I relate to preferring death to life.
I think that doing good things should make me feel good. Reading the Bible in the morning when I wake up should increase my wellbeing, not my despair.
By the waters of Babylon we sat and wept
when we remembered Zion. (Psalm 137:1)
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Notes on He's Just Not That Into You
I like reading books that are about problems I don't think I have. They can't disappoint me. When I hope that a book will speak to an issue in my life and then it doesn't address my concerns, I feel frustrated. It's nice to just hear what they have to say without having to apply it personally to my situation. I like just learning.
He's Just Not That Into You was sitting on my Mom's bookshelf, so I picked it up last night. It has some good stuff to say. It also says some questionable stuff (in my opinion). But overall I felt like it was worth reading.
As the title suggests, the authors are saying that if a guy doesn't seem completely interested in you, that's probably because he's not. They see this frank message as freeing: once you realize this you are free to let go of the mediocre relationship and find something better. Don't settle, they are saying.
The message is essentially: Respect yourself. Respect yourself enough that you won't let people (guys) treat you badly. It's a big self-esteem booster - they say things like "You're fantastic" and "You're too busy and popular for that" and "You're worth a good relationship." I like that message; I think it's valuable. It's empowering. They also note that the more you value yourself, the more likely it is that you will find a great relationship.
They also make the point (right at the end) that when we allow someone to treat us a certain way, it tells them that that is an appropriate way to treat people. If we insist on being treated well, it will teach them to treat others well also. Good point.
The style of the book kind of involves a dialogue between the two authors, and this makes for a really neat tone. One can bring up the questions and concerns and hard realities, and the other responds in a way that is palatable and doesn't just sound like canned advice. And they critique their own advice, anticipating our objections and rationalizations. Near the end they acknowledge their running assumption that you will find the perfect man as one of the authors points out that this is not guaranteed. The other author agrees, but says he has found that he must live with the belief that his life will turn out well. "I truly believe that the only way you can find out that there's something better out there is to first believe there's something better out there. I'll believe it for you until you're ready." I thought that last bit was so beautiful.
They live in a different dating world than I do, though. Chapter 4 is all about how "he's just not that into you if he's not having sex with you." It makes me nervous that that's how they define dating and a healthy relationship. Is all of non-Christian culture like that? They also describe the love relationships portrayed in movies as the ideal, whereas I've always heard them critiqued as fantasy.
He's Just Not That Into You was sitting on my Mom's bookshelf, so I picked it up last night. It has some good stuff to say. It also says some questionable stuff (in my opinion). But overall I felt like it was worth reading.
As the title suggests, the authors are saying that if a guy doesn't seem completely interested in you, that's probably because he's not. They see this frank message as freeing: once you realize this you are free to let go of the mediocre relationship and find something better. Don't settle, they are saying.
The message is essentially: Respect yourself. Respect yourself enough that you won't let people (guys) treat you badly. It's a big self-esteem booster - they say things like "You're fantastic" and "You're too busy and popular for that" and "You're worth a good relationship." I like that message; I think it's valuable. It's empowering. They also note that the more you value yourself, the more likely it is that you will find a great relationship.
They also make the point (right at the end) that when we allow someone to treat us a certain way, it tells them that that is an appropriate way to treat people. If we insist on being treated well, it will teach them to treat others well also. Good point.
The style of the book kind of involves a dialogue between the two authors, and this makes for a really neat tone. One can bring up the questions and concerns and hard realities, and the other responds in a way that is palatable and doesn't just sound like canned advice. And they critique their own advice, anticipating our objections and rationalizations. Near the end they acknowledge their running assumption that you will find the perfect man as one of the authors points out that this is not guaranteed. The other author agrees, but says he has found that he must live with the belief that his life will turn out well. "I truly believe that the only way you can find out that there's something better out there is to first believe there's something better out there. I'll believe it for you until you're ready." I thought that last bit was so beautiful.
They live in a different dating world than I do, though. Chapter 4 is all about how "he's just not that into you if he's not having sex with you." It makes me nervous that that's how they define dating and a healthy relationship. Is all of non-Christian culture like that? They also describe the love relationships portrayed in movies as the ideal, whereas I've always heard them critiqued as fantasy.
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