The Talk

Sitting in Starbucks, after having gone to see a movie, after having gone for dinner.
"Penny for your thoughts?"
"Well, you said that there was something you wanted to talk about. I was wondering if that had come up yet."
"No, I, uh, didn't know how to bring it up..."
"Well, how about now?"
"No, um, now I'm trying to stall."
Half an hour later, when they tell us they're closing: "I'm still trying to stall."
Finally: "I wanted to apologize to you. When I think back on our relationship, I'm not proud of some of the things I did. I'm not proud of who I was. I was not a good boyfriend to you. I took things from you that were not mine to take. So I guess I'm trying to say I'm sorry."

I listened. Then I thanked him for his apologies. And now I'm thinking.

Back when he first suggested getting together to talk something over, I thought that this might be one of the reasons why. I figured then that if he apologized it would be the hardest option for me because I would have to reciprocate. But now, a few months later, it wasn't that bad. Nor was it that good, at least for me. I said I was sorry for the difficulty I caused him, and I meant it, but it wasn't especially heartfelt on my end. I could say that I don't regret dating him, but I didn't apologize for specifics or talk about forgiveness because I'm not sure where I am on those journeys right now.

I've learned over the years that it can take exceptionally long to really get over someone - way way longer that you would expect - and you can think that things are settled way more than they really are. Also, as much as they say that forgiveness is a choice, I think that it is something that grows slowly and sneaks up on you. When the growth is slow and gradual it is hard to rate your progress. I know that there is true forgiveness between Ryan (my first boyfriend) and I because five years after we broke up we exchanged apologies in what became a big emotional healing experience for me. Now my heart wishes him well and I am honestly proud of who he has become. Jason (my second boyfriend) and I didn't really have an experience like that, and so although I imagine that I have dealt with it, that may not be completely true and some healing may remain. I can't just make it happen; I have to wait until the time is ripe. It's only been two years since Joel and I broke up. On one hand that is a long time, and we have gone through many stages of getting over that relationship, but the process is not complete and to me forgiveness feels like a concluding word that I don't want to use prematurely.

Of course, the situation with Joel is different than the ones that preceded it, and I'm not sure how that changes the healing process. Never before did it last so long. Never before did I want to get out of the relationship, was I relieved when it was over. Never before was I the one to end it. Never before was there so much for them to apologize for. Never before did we really remain in touch afterwards.

I look back on our relationship as a part of my life, my story, which overall I am learning not to despise. I don't connect the events with him so much. It's like I said to Ryan when he apologized for the pain that relationship caused me - I couldn't deny the pain, but I didn't blame him for it. Sometimes I tell horror stories about my time with Joel, but I mean for them to say more about me and my experiences than about him. Maybe that's forgiveness-ish.

I'm not the only one experiencing this post-relationship - he is dealing with it too, and I want to be sensitive to that. He mentioned tonight that this winter someone invited him to a weekly thing that I attend, but he declined because he didn't think he could handle seeing me that often... What does he need from me to help him get over it? Perhaps expressions of forgiveness...