I don't bring my Bible everywhere I go anymore. That's not a recent change, but it's vastly different than the way I used to be. In late high school I brought my Bible to school every day, and I remember getting it out to prepare for BDT (Bible Discussion Time - we couldn't think of a less-lame name) when we had free time in class. A few years later I carried my Bible in my purse almost everywhere I went, including work every day, and sometimes I'd pull it out on break. I even brought it hiking one time. That wasn't a good decision because it was heavy and I have no stamina to begin with, but at the time I articulated that I didn't want to ever say that the Word of God is a burden to me. I think that is when things began to change, though. The change was gradual - when I came back to school I brought my Bible to school each day and I wondered about the people who wouldn't bother to bring their Bibles to Bible College. But now here I am, visiting Oma, and I didn't even think to bring my Bible along. I didn't even bring it when I went home for Christmas. And I no longer bring it to work or even to school.
My introduction to the spiritual life came as I read through the Bible as a teenager. Two chapters every night. At first it was something that I forced myself to do, but reading the Bible before bed became a pattern that I continued for years. It would seem very strange to me to go to bed without seeking God in His Word. I would do this even in the out-of-the-ordinary situation - late late nights, visiting, and even youth retreats. I would be the one to say to my companions, "Do you want to do devotions and pray together before we go to sleep?"
I don't remember when it was that I stopped reading the Bible. It hasn't been a super recent thing either. Over the past few years, I just haven't been drawn into God's Word. It doesn't seem relevant to me - it doesn't seem to address where I am at and what I am struggling through, all the promises make me feel disappointed and forlorn, I hear a lot of condemnation in there, and sometimes I just can't care enough to enter into the stories of the Biblical characters. Are there times in the spiritual journey when it's okay to be out of the Word? Should I have forced myself to continue reading it, or would that have just been embittering? Did I make the better or worse choice by allowing myself to become distant from the Bible, as I feel God is distant from me?
I'm not proud of this.
A few months ago around a table of cards a friend brought out a book of Bible trivia. I was amazed and encouraged about how many of the answers I knew, how much I still remembered. Although knowing details may not mean much if your heart's not in it, that still made me happy.
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
Monday, January 7, 2008
Recently
So recently... Work has been getting to me. I have been so tired. I haven't been feeling so stable.
Last week I was assigned to be the supervisor who did the "Audit," double checking all the returns that we did. In general I love doing this job, but a week after Christmas it was just too much. I couldn't keep up. I'd end up losing things, and then I'd get even more behind as I tried to fix the problems I'd introduced. It was really stressful.
Friday was the worst day. I had a meeting mid-day, so I had to race to try to get caught up so I could have enough time for my lunch break before this meeting (and I almost made it, but not quite, so my lunch was short). The meeting wasn't very long, but by the time it was over I'd been gone from my audit for almost an hour. That's an hour of people returning things for me to catch up on. I couldn't get on top of it again. I didn't get a last break, and I even needed a bit of overtime (not okay these days). I left a huge mess and all sorts of problems for the next person to sort through, and when I was off I went to the bathroom and cried. And that was weird - over the years I've spend a considerable amount of time crying in bathroom stalls at work, and this one was just way too wide and way too bright. Weird.
I had plans for Friday night after work. First I went to Ikea with two of the girls from work. I had been there just two days before, but I wanted to spend the time with them. It was fun, but... I didn't feel okay. Then afterwards another friend and I had plans to see a late movie. I complained to him all about my day, and we saw National Treasure and I thought it was pretty good. I'm not sure if it was because the movie got my mind off things or because of the presence of this friend, but at the end of it I felt much better.
When I got to work on Saturday, I heard a manager comment on how he was just picking up where he left off the day before, and I felt like that was very true about me too - I was headed into the same situation I'd left the day before. Shortly thereafter another manager pulled me aside and told me that when I'm doing the audit I'm responsible for making sure all the refunds girls get their breaks on time. Having this responsibility piled on top of my already-too-heavy workload overwhelmed me, and the tears rose up in my eyes. The manager noticed this, and she responded with sympathy. She told me to ask for help when I need it. But... when I get to the point where I really need help, I can't take the time to go and ask for it because then I'm just getting farther behind, and by then I'm already stressed enough that if I try to talk about it I will just cry and then I'll be useless. Plus, the times when I need extra help are times when everyone needs help, so there wouldn't be anyone for me. So the best solution to me seems to be to do the best I can on my own. But this day that manager must have talked to someone, because they sent me help without me even asking for it!! I got an audit assistant for the rest of the day, and that was so wonderful. They gave me a guy who I have fun with and who I trust to do a good job, someone who's been learning aspects of the supervisor role and who asked me to teach him how to do the audit. He helped me out with all the aspects of the job, not just the peon duties, and we got through everything twice as fast and I got a last break! He made my day, and I left work feeling thrilled.
I had dinner plans with a friend on Saturday night, and it was a wonderful evening. I've missed my friend, and it felt so good to really talk, to really connect, to feel assured that we have not grown apart. It's been a while, and not every conversation has been so fulfilling. I wonder if it helped that I was in a good mood for this. Friend, I cherish this evening we had. Thanks. I love you.
Sunday wasn't great. Actually, I was really glad that I wasn't going to church (because I had to work) - I've felt that way every Sunday since the last time I did go three weeks ago when it made me feel awful. That's probably not okay... Work wasn't as bad as Friday, but it wasn't as good as Saturday. It was still busy, and it was hard to keep up, but I got some mediocre help for part of the day, and I only had one mistake I couldn't fix. I bought a soft blanket and a new mattress pad that I'm really excited about (I think I've had my current mattress pad for 20 years). But I didn't feel like I was okay. I felt emotionally shaky. It was the last day for our seasonals, and I didn't say goodbye to any of them.
After work on Sunday I went home, checked my email, and took a nap. I woke up a few hours later when the phone rang, and I felt exhausted and discouraged. I watched a movie, About Schmidt, and I related to it. I see little pieces of my Dad, and perhaps myself, in him. The movie reinforced my ugh mood.
I had the day off work today. That was nice. I slept in (but woke up still feeling tired). I shaved my legs. I got textbooks in the mail. I still felt a measure of emotional shakiness. I didn't do laundry and I didn't bake cookies like I hoped I would. I invited a couple friends over for a Thesis Party, and that was good but sad. It was good because one friend came, we enjoyed drinking tea and being together, and we actually did work on our thesises! And I felt good at the end of it. But it was sad because the friend I first started planning to have Thesis Parties with couldn't make it, and the only time that works for her to regularly get together this semester is a time that doesn't work for me. I was looking forward to having a Thesis Club with her, and it may not happen. Sad. We had Blitz Night at a new location tonight, and that was really good. Thanks, Friend, for hosting it. It was good to be together with some friends I'm not close to. But I didn't do well at Blitz at all, and I wonder if that's because I haven't been doing well myself. They say depression makes your brain slow down. I'm also concerned that I wasn't a kind person tonight, and it worries me that that didn't especially bother me.
I think I'm more likely to find myself under the weather emotionally, like I currently feel, when I've had too much unstructured time alone. But I've spent quite a bit of time with people lately. I find myself forgetting. And although I haven't given myself tons of sleep, I wouldn't expect myself to be as chronically tired as I am. Sigh.
I feel like there's continuity in how I've felt ever since my work Christmas party, ever since the miserable day I had the next day. (Is that true?) Crying while doing the audit reminds me of the day after. Once a few years ago I noticed that I paid for a fun night of dancing with two weeks of depression. And when I think back to the party or see some of my coworkers around, I remember my neediness that night and I'm not proud of that (although I'm not ashamed of my actions). I wonder if dances are really healthy for me...
Tomorrow I'm going to visit Oma. I skipped out on seeing her at Christmas, and I know I won't have any time to go visit once school starts again. I hope we enjoy each other and our time together.
Last week I was assigned to be the supervisor who did the "Audit," double checking all the returns that we did. In general I love doing this job, but a week after Christmas it was just too much. I couldn't keep up. I'd end up losing things, and then I'd get even more behind as I tried to fix the problems I'd introduced. It was really stressful.
Friday was the worst day. I had a meeting mid-day, so I had to race to try to get caught up so I could have enough time for my lunch break before this meeting (and I almost made it, but not quite, so my lunch was short). The meeting wasn't very long, but by the time it was over I'd been gone from my audit for almost an hour. That's an hour of people returning things for me to catch up on. I couldn't get on top of it again. I didn't get a last break, and I even needed a bit of overtime (not okay these days). I left a huge mess and all sorts of problems for the next person to sort through, and when I was off I went to the bathroom and cried. And that was weird - over the years I've spend a considerable amount of time crying in bathroom stalls at work, and this one was just way too wide and way too bright. Weird.
I had plans for Friday night after work. First I went to Ikea with two of the girls from work. I had been there just two days before, but I wanted to spend the time with them. It was fun, but... I didn't feel okay. Then afterwards another friend and I had plans to see a late movie. I complained to him all about my day, and we saw National Treasure and I thought it was pretty good. I'm not sure if it was because the movie got my mind off things or because of the presence of this friend, but at the end of it I felt much better.
When I got to work on Saturday, I heard a manager comment on how he was just picking up where he left off the day before, and I felt like that was very true about me too - I was headed into the same situation I'd left the day before. Shortly thereafter another manager pulled me aside and told me that when I'm doing the audit I'm responsible for making sure all the refunds girls get their breaks on time. Having this responsibility piled on top of my already-too-heavy workload overwhelmed me, and the tears rose up in my eyes. The manager noticed this, and she responded with sympathy. She told me to ask for help when I need it. But... when I get to the point where I really need help, I can't take the time to go and ask for it because then I'm just getting farther behind, and by then I'm already stressed enough that if I try to talk about it I will just cry and then I'll be useless. Plus, the times when I need extra help are times when everyone needs help, so there wouldn't be anyone for me. So the best solution to me seems to be to do the best I can on my own. But this day that manager must have talked to someone, because they sent me help without me even asking for it!! I got an audit assistant for the rest of the day, and that was so wonderful. They gave me a guy who I have fun with and who I trust to do a good job, someone who's been learning aspects of the supervisor role and who asked me to teach him how to do the audit. He helped me out with all the aspects of the job, not just the peon duties, and we got through everything twice as fast and I got a last break! He made my day, and I left work feeling thrilled.
I had dinner plans with a friend on Saturday night, and it was a wonderful evening. I've missed my friend, and it felt so good to really talk, to really connect, to feel assured that we have not grown apart. It's been a while, and not every conversation has been so fulfilling. I wonder if it helped that I was in a good mood for this. Friend, I cherish this evening we had. Thanks. I love you.
Sunday wasn't great. Actually, I was really glad that I wasn't going to church (because I had to work) - I've felt that way every Sunday since the last time I did go three weeks ago when it made me feel awful. That's probably not okay... Work wasn't as bad as Friday, but it wasn't as good as Saturday. It was still busy, and it was hard to keep up, but I got some mediocre help for part of the day, and I only had one mistake I couldn't fix. I bought a soft blanket and a new mattress pad that I'm really excited about (I think I've had my current mattress pad for 20 years). But I didn't feel like I was okay. I felt emotionally shaky. It was the last day for our seasonals, and I didn't say goodbye to any of them.
After work on Sunday I went home, checked my email, and took a nap. I woke up a few hours later when the phone rang, and I felt exhausted and discouraged. I watched a movie, About Schmidt, and I related to it. I see little pieces of my Dad, and perhaps myself, in him. The movie reinforced my ugh mood.
I had the day off work today. That was nice. I slept in (but woke up still feeling tired). I shaved my legs. I got textbooks in the mail. I still felt a measure of emotional shakiness. I didn't do laundry and I didn't bake cookies like I hoped I would. I invited a couple friends over for a Thesis Party, and that was good but sad. It was good because one friend came, we enjoyed drinking tea and being together, and we actually did work on our thesises! And I felt good at the end of it. But it was sad because the friend I first started planning to have Thesis Parties with couldn't make it, and the only time that works for her to regularly get together this semester is a time that doesn't work for me. I was looking forward to having a Thesis Club with her, and it may not happen. Sad. We had Blitz Night at a new location tonight, and that was really good. Thanks, Friend, for hosting it. It was good to be together with some friends I'm not close to. But I didn't do well at Blitz at all, and I wonder if that's because I haven't been doing well myself. They say depression makes your brain slow down. I'm also concerned that I wasn't a kind person tonight, and it worries me that that didn't especially bother me.
I think I'm more likely to find myself under the weather emotionally, like I currently feel, when I've had too much unstructured time alone. But I've spent quite a bit of time with people lately. I find myself forgetting. And although I haven't given myself tons of sleep, I wouldn't expect myself to be as chronically tired as I am. Sigh.
I feel like there's continuity in how I've felt ever since my work Christmas party, ever since the miserable day I had the next day. (Is that true?) Crying while doing the audit reminds me of the day after. Once a few years ago I noticed that I paid for a fun night of dancing with two weeks of depression. And when I think back to the party or see some of my coworkers around, I remember my neediness that night and I'm not proud of that (although I'm not ashamed of my actions). I wonder if dances are really healthy for me...
Tomorrow I'm going to visit Oma. I skipped out on seeing her at Christmas, and I know I won't have any time to go visit once school starts again. I hope we enjoy each other and our time together.
Saturday, January 5, 2008
Self Awareness
It's a struggle to put this into words...
I've been wonder lately how well I know myself. But my wondering is more than just that - it has to do with what "myself" is. Am I conscious of who I am? Is "who I am" the self that I am conscious of, or is there a "me" that is separated from what I know myself to be?
Some people define our souls as the essence of who we are. Eugene Peterson is an example: "We do not have souls, we are souls." Am I aware of my soul, or am I ignorant of it? Is my soul happy with God while my conscious mind is sad and lonely? Or does what I am aware of reflect the state of both my mind and soul? John of the Cross and many other spiritual writers would claim that what we are conscious of does not equate to the state of our souls, but I wonder how we can be so unconscious of our true selves. That seems to make consciousness so... peripheral. And it seems so central.
Rene Descartes so famously wrote, "I think, therefore I am." That is, I know I exist because someone is having these thoughts of mine. Is it a collorary therefore that I am what I think - my consciousness is the essence of my being?
Do I really know how I feel about things that happen? How could I possibly have a feeling, an opinion, an experience, and not know about it - don't these words themselves describe a conscious involvement? "I felt sad," means, "I knew myself to be sad." Although since I wouldn't argue with the statement "I didn't realize I was angry with him," I guess I have to admit that we can be unaware...
A few weeks ago when I thought about a friendship and how it would perhaps be smart to step away, I thought I was okay with that. But then I cried for the rest of the day. Turns out I probably wasn't as okay with it as I thought. My feelings snuck up on me without me realizing what they were. I was unaware of myself.
My will lies in the realm of the conscious. If my essence, my true feelings and my experience of the world, lie elsewhere, apart from what I know (from what I can know?) and what I can affect, I feel so dispirited. Why bother, if my awareness and action do not coincide with my self?
What am I?
I've been wonder lately how well I know myself. But my wondering is more than just that - it has to do with what "myself" is. Am I conscious of who I am? Is "who I am" the self that I am conscious of, or is there a "me" that is separated from what I know myself to be?
Some people define our souls as the essence of who we are. Eugene Peterson is an example: "We do not have souls, we are souls." Am I aware of my soul, or am I ignorant of it? Is my soul happy with God while my conscious mind is sad and lonely? Or does what I am aware of reflect the state of both my mind and soul? John of the Cross and many other spiritual writers would claim that what we are conscious of does not equate to the state of our souls, but I wonder how we can be so unconscious of our true selves. That seems to make consciousness so... peripheral. And it seems so central.
Rene Descartes so famously wrote, "I think, therefore I am." That is, I know I exist because someone is having these thoughts of mine. Is it a collorary therefore that I am what I think - my consciousness is the essence of my being?
Do I really know how I feel about things that happen? How could I possibly have a feeling, an opinion, an experience, and not know about it - don't these words themselves describe a conscious involvement? "I felt sad," means, "I knew myself to be sad." Although since I wouldn't argue with the statement "I didn't realize I was angry with him," I guess I have to admit that we can be unaware...
A few weeks ago when I thought about a friendship and how it would perhaps be smart to step away, I thought I was okay with that. But then I cried for the rest of the day. Turns out I probably wasn't as okay with it as I thought. My feelings snuck up on me without me realizing what they were. I was unaware of myself.
My will lies in the realm of the conscious. If my essence, my true feelings and my experience of the world, lie elsewhere, apart from what I know (from what I can know?) and what I can affect, I feel so dispirited. Why bother, if my awareness and action do not coincide with my self?
What am I?
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
Lack of Resolutions
It's New Years Resolution season. And I'm not really participating.
I used to rewrite my Rule of Life in January, as a variation on Resolutions. Then when I came back to school, updating it in the summertime worked better for me, until I started to realize that the Rule of Life thing wasn't working so well for me at all. I seemed to fail at everything goal I articulated, and my capacity for disicpline slowly eroded. Now I have no Rule of Life. I feel like I need it that way.
I have a problem with obligation: I don't respond well to it. I want to do things because I want to, not because I have to. When I set goals, it moves those matters from things I want to do to things I have to do, thereby making me rebel against the whole idea.
I also don't like making goals that I can't easily achieve. I want to set myself up for success, not for failure, and if something is too hard I will simply refuse to do it.
There aren't any goals right now that I want to make. So I am not making any Resolutions for 2008. Ha!
I used to rewrite my Rule of Life in January, as a variation on Resolutions. Then when I came back to school, updating it in the summertime worked better for me, until I started to realize that the Rule of Life thing wasn't working so well for me at all. I seemed to fail at everything goal I articulated, and my capacity for disicpline slowly eroded. Now I have no Rule of Life. I feel like I need it that way.
I have a problem with obligation: I don't respond well to it. I want to do things because I want to, not because I have to. When I set goals, it moves those matters from things I want to do to things I have to do, thereby making me rebel against the whole idea.
I also don't like making goals that I can't easily achieve. I want to set myself up for success, not for failure, and if something is too hard I will simply refuse to do it.
There aren't any goals right now that I want to make. So I am not making any Resolutions for 2008. Ha!
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
Spinach Artichoke Dip
This was my contribution to our New Years gathering. Everyone seemed to like it, so I thought I'd share the recipe.
1/8 cup butter
5 oz frozen chopped spinach, partially thawed
7oz artichoke hearts, drained and chopped
1 pkg (8 oz) cream cheese, softened
2 cups sour cream
1/2 cup grated parmesan cheese (thanks Mara!)
garlic salt to taste
Melt butter in a large saucepan over medium heat. Sir in the spinach and artichoke hearts. Cook until tender, about 5 minutes.
Mix cream cheese and sour cream into the spinach mixture. Stir in parmesan cheese and garlic salt. Cook, stirring occationally, until thickened - 10 to 15 minutes. Serve warm.
1/8 cup butter
5 oz frozen chopped spinach, partially thawed
7oz artichoke hearts, drained and chopped
1 pkg (8 oz) cream cheese, softened
2 cups sour cream
1/2 cup grated parmesan cheese (thanks Mara!)
garlic salt to taste
Melt butter in a large saucepan over medium heat. Sir in the spinach and artichoke hearts. Cook until tender, about 5 minutes.
Mix cream cheese and sour cream into the spinach mixture. Stir in parmesan cheese and garlic salt. Cook, stirring occationally, until thickened - 10 to 15 minutes. Serve warm.
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Sunday, December 23, 2007
Miserable Day
Today was a miserable day. Maybe that's because...
- I only got 4 hours of sleep last night, so I was tired.
- Work was super busy and I had a hard time keeping up, especially when problems arose that took extra time.
- My lunch break was super super late - over six hours from when I started - so I was hungry.
- I have a friendship that is being threatened, in wisdom. Is it the best thing for us to be friends, or is it better to let it go? Neither of us would really want that, but there's a third party that throws a wrench into things.
- I had a tense encounter with a manager and although I understood where she was coming from and didn't blame her, I couldn't help it when tears came out in my voice.
- My manager came to me to have a little debrief on the situation with the other manager. He was sympathetic when I explained to him that I was having a bad day, and he offered me whatever I needed - extra breaks, going home early, etc. He said he loves and respects me (kinda strange...) and he appreciates how I have balanced work with school, and still invested into work. That conversation also almost made me cry.
As a result...
- I was on the verge of tears all day, and I cried all the way home.
- There were mistakes in my work that I couldn't fix.
- I was blatantly unsympathetic to another guy who got a late break.
- I made a flirty comment to a coworker that I think I regret.
- I left without wishing hardly anyone Merry Christmas.
- At the end of the day my head hurts.
- I only got 4 hours of sleep last night, so I was tired.
- Work was super busy and I had a hard time keeping up, especially when problems arose that took extra time.
- My lunch break was super super late - over six hours from when I started - so I was hungry.
- I have a friendship that is being threatened, in wisdom. Is it the best thing for us to be friends, or is it better to let it go? Neither of us would really want that, but there's a third party that throws a wrench into things.
- I had a tense encounter with a manager and although I understood where she was coming from and didn't blame her, I couldn't help it when tears came out in my voice.
- My manager came to me to have a little debrief on the situation with the other manager. He was sympathetic when I explained to him that I was having a bad day, and he offered me whatever I needed - extra breaks, going home early, etc. He said he loves and respects me (kinda strange...) and he appreciates how I have balanced work with school, and still invested into work. That conversation also almost made me cry.
As a result...
- I was on the verge of tears all day, and I cried all the way home.
- There were mistakes in my work that I couldn't fix.
- I was blatantly unsympathetic to another guy who got a late break.
- I made a flirty comment to a coworker that I think I regret.
- I left without wishing hardly anyone Merry Christmas.
- At the end of the day my head hurts.
Dancing
Tonight was our work Christmas party. There was a fancy dinner, and then there was a dance. I'm glad I went.
I haven't been to a work Christmas party in... four years. Ever since the first time I transferred. Since then, for the most part I've felt like I haven't really had friends at work and I didn't really want to go and feel lonely, and I've had other things conflict with the time. But this year I feel better about my work community, and I also feel like I need to invest in my work community 'cause that will be the main setting for my life when I'm finished school.
I'm a nostalgic person. I've noticed lately that anniversaries mean a lot to me and I remember things when I am faced with similar situations. The first time I really danced was at my first Christmas party, six years ago. Nathan was my date, and we sat with Inid, and her and I danced the night away and had a blast, and Brad dipped me and dropped me. I got many compliments, and I believed them, and that's kinda when I discovered that I can hold my own on the dance floor. That was a big thing for me, and a piece of who I have become. The next year I was all excited about the Christmas party, but that one turned out to be disappointing. I cried on Brad and Dan's shoulders, and then later drove home telling myself "I can't cry hysterically when I'm driving Inid's car." (Mine was stolen. The one I borrowed wouldn't start. She was an amazing friend to lend me hers.)
This year the party started before I got off work, so 6:30 found Nadia and I in the public washroom at work changing and putting on makeup, and that felt shallow but fun. We went to the party together and sat together at the meat dep't table, and I enjoyed her company a lot. When Katie came she joined us too, and that was great. We had fun conversations about the good-looking boys at work and the unfortunate nicknames people deserve. (Yeah Brandon Seventeen; sorry, Michele Eighties-Hair.)
The dancing began, and I was eager. I had a lot of fun at the beginning. But after a while I started to feel sad. A couple of my friends had left, which gave me the opportunity to worry about them. I started to feel needy, and I wanted attention. And I found that in this place, I forgot how to dance. Really - I forgot what I do. All I could remember was the box-step. Aah, trusty box-step.
My night got rescued. I needed attention and I needed touch, and I got those things in three doses that became the hilights of my night:
1) Steve danced with me. I think he was the first one to offer, and we danced together several times throughout the rest of the night. He was drunk and he held me close and let his hand slide down too far, and we talked religion and he made very little sense. But he's got a great smile and he gave me the most attention.
2) Patrick and I danced the country songs together. I Got Friends in Low Places. Fishin' in the Dark. I feel like he watches out for me, and although he's my definition of a jerk, I trust him.
3) Aaron and I danced something fast and fun together, where we spun around alot. He was an excellent leader, and technically it was the best dancing I had all night. It was exciting, and it looked exciting, and we had everyone's attention, and he was complimentary.
Through these people I found a better mood and the evening ended well, though with much food for thought.
So it turns out that at dances I like it better when people are coupling up, and I can't escape wanting attention from the guys. I told Katie that I feel dissatisfied at a dance unless someone pretty much falls in love with me (and she answered that Steve probably did fall in love with me - but we'll see what he remembers tomorrow). (It was so good to have Katie there as a friend I could be honest with.) But at the same time, I want it to be meaningless, something we enjoy for a few hours with no future ramifications. As I jumped between partners towards the end of the night, I felt glad that I wasn't tied down to just one person.
I wonder if I treat people like objects to fill my needs. Guys who give me attention. And not just them - one of the girls I valued so much tonight, who I really enjoyed dancing with because she has spunk and enthusiasm and because I always felt welcome near her, is someone that I do not appreciate much in daily life, and I don't think that will change much after this... If I like her at dances am I obligated to like her all the time? Or is it okay if the characteristics that are great in a party situation drive me batty the rest of the time?
It's funny how dancing together offers opportunities to be close and touch in ways that aren't really acceptable in other situations. I valued that tonight. Holding Steve's hands. Being right in each other's faces. Having no space left between Patrick and I. And then the gestures that would be acceptable, but are rare. Hugs. A hand on my back. ...Touch is important...
In general I find dancing to be spiritual. I think it can put us in touch with what lies beneath the surface, and even if it is not in a Christian atmosphere it can easily be worship. I have felt this during other times of dancing... but tonight I had a hard time lifting my thoughts and longings to God. Though I tried, I just wanted attention from people.
I wonder how we'll all treat each other tomorrow, when it's back to work, back to reality.
I haven't been to a work Christmas party in... four years. Ever since the first time I transferred. Since then, for the most part I've felt like I haven't really had friends at work and I didn't really want to go and feel lonely, and I've had other things conflict with the time. But this year I feel better about my work community, and I also feel like I need to invest in my work community 'cause that will be the main setting for my life when I'm finished school.
I'm a nostalgic person. I've noticed lately that anniversaries mean a lot to me and I remember things when I am faced with similar situations. The first time I really danced was at my first Christmas party, six years ago. Nathan was my date, and we sat with Inid, and her and I danced the night away and had a blast, and Brad dipped me and dropped me. I got many compliments, and I believed them, and that's kinda when I discovered that I can hold my own on the dance floor. That was a big thing for me, and a piece of who I have become. The next year I was all excited about the Christmas party, but that one turned out to be disappointing. I cried on Brad and Dan's shoulders, and then later drove home telling myself "I can't cry hysterically when I'm driving Inid's car." (Mine was stolen. The one I borrowed wouldn't start. She was an amazing friend to lend me hers.)
This year the party started before I got off work, so 6:30 found Nadia and I in the public washroom at work changing and putting on makeup, and that felt shallow but fun. We went to the party together and sat together at the meat dep't table, and I enjoyed her company a lot. When Katie came she joined us too, and that was great. We had fun conversations about the good-looking boys at work and the unfortunate nicknames people deserve. (Yeah Brandon Seventeen; sorry, Michele Eighties-Hair.)
The dancing began, and I was eager. I had a lot of fun at the beginning. But after a while I started to feel sad. A couple of my friends had left, which gave me the opportunity to worry about them. I started to feel needy, and I wanted attention. And I found that in this place, I forgot how to dance. Really - I forgot what I do. All I could remember was the box-step. Aah, trusty box-step.
My night got rescued. I needed attention and I needed touch, and I got those things in three doses that became the hilights of my night:
1) Steve danced with me. I think he was the first one to offer, and we danced together several times throughout the rest of the night. He was drunk and he held me close and let his hand slide down too far, and we talked religion and he made very little sense. But he's got a great smile and he gave me the most attention.
2) Patrick and I danced the country songs together. I Got Friends in Low Places. Fishin' in the Dark. I feel like he watches out for me, and although he's my definition of a jerk, I trust him.
3) Aaron and I danced something fast and fun together, where we spun around alot. He was an excellent leader, and technically it was the best dancing I had all night. It was exciting, and it looked exciting, and we had everyone's attention, and he was complimentary.
Through these people I found a better mood and the evening ended well, though with much food for thought.
So it turns out that at dances I like it better when people are coupling up, and I can't escape wanting attention from the guys. I told Katie that I feel dissatisfied at a dance unless someone pretty much falls in love with me (and she answered that Steve probably did fall in love with me - but we'll see what he remembers tomorrow). (It was so good to have Katie there as a friend I could be honest with.) But at the same time, I want it to be meaningless, something we enjoy for a few hours with no future ramifications. As I jumped between partners towards the end of the night, I felt glad that I wasn't tied down to just one person.
I wonder if I treat people like objects to fill my needs. Guys who give me attention. And not just them - one of the girls I valued so much tonight, who I really enjoyed dancing with because she has spunk and enthusiasm and because I always felt welcome near her, is someone that I do not appreciate much in daily life, and I don't think that will change much after this... If I like her at dances am I obligated to like her all the time? Or is it okay if the characteristics that are great in a party situation drive me batty the rest of the time?
It's funny how dancing together offers opportunities to be close and touch in ways that aren't really acceptable in other situations. I valued that tonight. Holding Steve's hands. Being right in each other's faces. Having no space left between Patrick and I. And then the gestures that would be acceptable, but are rare. Hugs. A hand on my back. ...Touch is important...
In general I find dancing to be spiritual. I think it can put us in touch with what lies beneath the surface, and even if it is not in a Christian atmosphere it can easily be worship. I have felt this during other times of dancing... but tonight I had a hard time lifting my thoughts and longings to God. Though I tried, I just wanted attention from people.
I wonder how we'll all treat each other tomorrow, when it's back to work, back to reality.
Sunday, December 16, 2007
Allergies
If you are allergic to a thing, it is best not to put that thing in your mouth, particularly if the thing is cats. But Violet, Klaus and Sunny all knew that this was an emergency...
~A Series of Unfortunate Events #3, The Wide Window, by Lemony Snicket
That was so funny when I read it that I burst out in laughter. (What's going on? Well, these three siblings purposefully eat something they know they're allergic to in order to cause an allergic reaction that can serve as their excuse to get some time alone to figure out and thwart Count Olaf's evil plan.)
Growing up I was never allergic to anything, but I have developed some allergies as an adult. I'm now allergic to cats (I caught that allergy from an ex-boyfriend). I think I'm allergic to water because I feel terrible whenever I drink more than usual. And I'm allergic to church.
Church makes me feel miserable. For the past year or two my attendance there has been rare and sporadic. It's hard to find a church when you move to a new city, I don't know what is fair to expect, and I feel like school provides me with everything that I would need from a church. But I know that I will need church when I am no longer in school, so I am trying to make an effort to find a church home even though the endeavor is difficult.
I tried again today. I went to bed last night saying, "I want to go to church tomorrow I want to go to church tomorrow I want to go to church tomorrow," hoping I would actually get up in the morning and go, and it worked. I was late but I was there and I was hopeful. But by the time I left I felt awful. I just wanted to go to back to bed, or not eat, or not exist. I remember feeling so weighed down and saying, "I am so tired of this." And those feelings lasted for the rest of the day.
I've been trying to dissect this reaction, and I'm not exactly sure what always causes it. Nothing was even all that awful about church; nothing they said or did warrants such negative feelings. Plus, most of my experiences with churches end up this way - it's not just one encounter with one church. I know the problem lies in me, not in them.
I think part of the difficulty for me is that when I approach God in a worship setting, I have to do so in authenticity. I can't pretend things are okay when they are not. And under the surface things are a lot less okay than I usually portray - or even notice. ...Authenticity... When I say that in worship I have to be authentic I feel like I'm implying that the rest of the time I don't live authentically, but that's not what I mean. It's just different. In daily life I acknowledge that not all is well with me, but then I can move beyond that and be cheery anyway. But when I stand before God, I can't ignore the angst within. Churches also make a lot of outlandish claims... well, Christianity makes a lot of outlandish claims, and when I am presented with these at church it makes me aware of my shortcomings (or God's shortcomings towards me) and my doubts - a painful experience.
Next Sunday morning I have to work so I can't go to church, and I'm glad. I'm not sure when I'll be motivated to try again, and at what point I can give up and say it's just not healthy to put myself in situations that always make me miserable.
God, what do you want of me here?
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Useless
Sometimes I have days when I'm just useless. When I don't seem to do anything... can't seem to do anything? They're days with no structure, when there's no place I have to be but all sorts of things I could (and should, but don't) do. Some people would consider it relaxing, but I don't function well in these situations.
This was one of those days. I stayed in my pajamas for most of the day, not putting real pants on until 8:00 PM. My big accomplisments were eating cereal and buying tomato sauce. I failed at putting Christmas lights on the balcony and getting my car to the shop. Every decision was impossible to make. My indecisiveness made me procrastinate until it was too late for some things that would have been good to do. Nothing seemed like it mattered enough to put even minimal effort into. The littlest things gave me that shaking, "I could cry" feeling. My Christmas decorations feel oppressive. Not so healthy.
I tried to think of things that would make it better. Plans for tomorrow, so it's not a repeat of today (check!). Coffee with someone tonight (but all my friends are busy with exams right now). I put on some music (but my CD player keeps cutting out, so I don't hear much of it) and made some supper. Soon I'll go to bed and maybe try to write some Christmas cards.
God, what do you say into this day?
This was one of those days. I stayed in my pajamas for most of the day, not putting real pants on until 8:00 PM. My big accomplisments were eating cereal and buying tomato sauce. I failed at putting Christmas lights on the balcony and getting my car to the shop. Every decision was impossible to make. My indecisiveness made me procrastinate until it was too late for some things that would have been good to do. Nothing seemed like it mattered enough to put even minimal effort into. The littlest things gave me that shaking, "I could cry" feeling. My Christmas decorations feel oppressive. Not so healthy.
I tried to think of things that would make it better. Plans for tomorrow, so it's not a repeat of today (check!). Coffee with someone tonight (but all my friends are busy with exams right now). I put on some music (but my CD player keeps cutting out, so I don't hear much of it) and made some supper. Soon I'll go to bed and maybe try to write some Christmas cards.
God, what do you say into this day?
Dear Sis
One day last week when I had a bad day, I laid down on the floor in my living room and put my feet up on the couch. I like that position; it seems to calm anxiety. And while I was laying there I remembered that that is what you and I used to do. At your house at Christmas with egg nog and white chocolate. At my house in the winter before you left on an adventure. Laying with our feet up on the couch and talking. I'd forgotten about that. And I missed you.
It's been years now. That's my fault; I cut the communication off. I didn't respond to the messages or emails you left me, telling me you were home. I couldn't. I'm so sorry if that hurt you. I'm not mad at you... I just can't be in touch right now. I don't know how to have old friends, and you're not the only one I've had to lose touch with. It's just that I'm not the same person I was back then. I'm not comfortable with that, and therefore I can't be sure that I can trust you with who I am now.
I'll come back. I just can't yet. For now I'll just miss you and remember who we were.
It's been years now. That's my fault; I cut the communication off. I didn't respond to the messages or emails you left me, telling me you were home. I couldn't. I'm so sorry if that hurt you. I'm not mad at you... I just can't be in touch right now. I don't know how to have old friends, and you're not the only one I've had to lose touch with. It's just that I'm not the same person I was back then. I'm not comfortable with that, and therefore I can't be sure that I can trust you with who I am now.
I'll come back. I just can't yet. For now I'll just miss you and remember who we were.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Decking the Halls
Today I put up Christmas decorations! So my apartment is all festive and Christmassy. For the past few years I haven't even bothered decorating for Christmas. I'd almost forgotten what Christmas things I owned. I'm glad I did it this year though. I think not having time, energy, or heart to decorate for Christmas is an indication of unhealthiness.
My Christmas tree is three feet tall. I've never noticed before how miniature it really is - it has always suited me fine. But this year it seems really tiny. It doesn't seem to match the other decorations I've accumulated. ...Maybe I'm growing up, coming to the full-sized-Christmas-tree point of life. (But I'm still just going to hang on to my mini tree for a while longer, even though I can now see how small it is. It still does what it needs to - it still announces Christmas.)
Thanks Friend for coming over to help me decorate. I enjoyed your company.
Jesus, as my home attests to the season, may my heart do the same. May my heart recognize your Advent. As you were born into our world long ago, may you be born into my heart anew this Christmas.
My Christmas tree is three feet tall. I've never noticed before how miniature it really is - it has always suited me fine. But this year it seems really tiny. It doesn't seem to match the other decorations I've accumulated. ...Maybe I'm growing up, coming to the full-sized-Christmas-tree point of life. (But I'm still just going to hang on to my mini tree for a while longer, even though I can now see how small it is. It still does what it needs to - it still announces Christmas.)
Thanks Friend for coming over to help me decorate. I enjoyed your company.
Jesus, as my home attests to the season, may my heart do the same. May my heart recognize your Advent. As you were born into our world long ago, may you be born into my heart anew this Christmas.
come, lord jesus, be born in me
that I may be reborn in thee
i'll make a place for you to dwell
come into my heart, emmanuel
Friday, December 7, 2007
Fragility is not an insult.Alleluia
so sing from the heart where his mystery lies
sing for the life that he gave
sing from the mind he has filled with his own
sing from the soul he has saved!
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
Living Alone
I was thinking today that I really should take advantage of the free vaccination that the city is offering to young adults right now. 'Cause I live alone, and if I get sick there's no one to take care of me. (Haha, and then I found out that I was probably exposed to the measles yesterday. I'm hoping that vaccine is more effective than the one they're redoing right now!) In this context, I found myself realizing that I am the most alone person I know. Almost everyone else I could think of has either a roommate or family who would take care of them if they got really sick, but I don't. I mentioned this to a friend tonight, and he said he thinks I have friends who would come take care of me if I needed it, and maybe he's right, but it was still kind of an unsettling thought. I am the most alone person I know.
Not that I don't like living alone. I like it so much. But this is one context where it is lacking.
Community. Really being in each other's lives. Being there to meet each other's needs. ...
Not that I don't like living alone. I like it so much. But this is one context where it is lacking.
Community. Really being in each other's lives. Being there to meet each other's needs. ...
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