Devotions, Or Lack Thereof

I don't bring my Bible everywhere I go anymore. That's not a recent change, but it's vastly different than the way I used to be. In late high school I brought my Bible to school every day, and I remember getting it out to prepare for BDT (Bible Discussion Time - we couldn't think of a less-lame name) when we had free time in class. A few years later I carried my Bible in my purse almost everywhere I went, including work every day, and sometimes I'd pull it out on break. I even brought it hiking one time. That wasn't a good decision because it was heavy and I have no stamina to begin with, but at the time I articulated that I didn't want to ever say that the Word of God is a burden to me. I think that is when things began to change, though. The change was gradual - when I came back to school I brought my Bible to school each day and I wondered about the people who wouldn't bother to bring their Bibles to Bible College. But now here I am, visiting Oma, and I didn't even think to bring my Bible along. I didn't even bring it when I went home for Christmas. And I no longer bring it to work or even to school.

My introduction to the spiritual life came as I read through the Bible as a teenager. Two chapters every night. At first it was something that I forced myself to do, but reading the Bible before bed became a pattern that I continued for years. It would seem very strange to me to go to bed without seeking God in His Word. I would do this even in the out-of-the-ordinary situation - late late nights, visiting, and even youth retreats. I would be the one to say to my companions, "Do you want to do devotions and pray together before we go to sleep?"

I don't remember when it was that I stopped reading the Bible. It hasn't been a super recent thing either. Over the past few years, I just haven't been drawn into God's Word. It doesn't seem relevant to me - it doesn't seem to address where I am at and what I am struggling through, all the promises make me feel disappointed and forlorn, I hear a lot of condemnation in there, and sometimes I just can't care enough to enter into the stories of the Biblical characters. Are there times in the spiritual journey when it's okay to be out of the Word? Should I have forced myself to continue reading it, or would that have just been embittering? Did I make the better or worse choice by allowing myself to become distant from the Bible, as I feel God is distant from me?

I'm not proud of this.

A few months ago around a table of cards a friend brought out a book of Bible trivia. I was amazed and encouraged about how many of the answers I knew, how much I still remembered. Although knowing details may not mean much if your heart's not in it, that still made me happy.