Dancing

Tonight was our work Christmas party. There was a fancy dinner, and then there was a dance. I'm glad I went.

I haven't been to a work Christmas party in... four years. Ever since the first time I transferred. Since then, for the most part I've felt like I haven't really had friends at work and I didn't really want to go and feel lonely, and I've had other things conflict with the time. But this year I feel better about my work community, and I also feel like I need to invest in my work community 'cause that will be the main setting for my life when I'm finished school.

I'm a nostalgic person. I've noticed lately that anniversaries mean a lot to me and I remember things when I am faced with similar situations. The first time I really danced was at my first Christmas party, six years ago. Nathan was my date, and we sat with Inid, and her and I danced the night away and had a blast, and Brad dipped me and dropped me. I got many compliments, and I believed them, and that's kinda when I discovered that I can hold my own on the dance floor. That was a big thing for me, and a piece of who I have become. The next year I was all excited about the Christmas party, but that one turned out to be disappointing. I cried on Brad and Dan's shoulders, and then later drove home telling myself "I can't cry hysterically when I'm driving Inid's car." (Mine was stolen. The one I borrowed wouldn't start. She was an amazing friend to lend me hers.)

This year the party started before I got off work, so 6:30 found Nadia and I in the public washroom at work changing and putting on makeup, and that felt shallow but fun. We went to the party together and sat together at the meat dep't table, and I enjoyed her company a lot. When Katie came she joined us too, and that was great. We had fun conversations about the good-looking boys at work and the unfortunate nicknames people deserve. (Yeah Brandon Seventeen; sorry, Michele Eighties-Hair.)

The dancing began, and I was eager. I had a lot of fun at the beginning. But after a while I started to feel sad. A couple of my friends had left, which gave me the opportunity to worry about them. I started to feel needy, and I wanted attention. And I found that in this place, I forgot how to dance. Really - I forgot what I do. All I could remember was the box-step. Aah, trusty box-step.

My night got rescued. I needed attention and I needed touch, and I got those things in three doses that became the hilights of my night:
1) Steve danced with me. I think he was the first one to offer, and we danced together several times throughout the rest of the night. He was drunk and he held me close and let his hand slide down too far, and we talked religion and he made very little sense. But he's got a great smile and he gave me the most attention.
2) Patrick and I danced the country songs together. I Got Friends in Low Places. Fishin' in the Dark. I feel like he watches out for me, and although he's my definition of a jerk, I trust him.
3) Aaron and I danced something fast and fun together, where we spun around alot. He was an excellent leader, and technically it was the best dancing I had all night. It was exciting, and it looked exciting, and we had everyone's attention, and he was complimentary.
Through these people I found a better mood and the evening ended well, though with much food for thought.

So it turns out that at dances I like it better when people are coupling up, and I can't escape wanting attention from the guys. I told Katie that I feel dissatisfied at a dance unless someone pretty much falls in love with me (and she answered that Steve probably did fall in love with me - but we'll see what he remembers tomorrow). (It was so good to have Katie there as a friend I could be honest with.) But at the same time, I want it to be meaningless, something we enjoy for a few hours with no future ramifications. As I jumped between partners towards the end of the night, I felt glad that I wasn't tied down to just one person.

I wonder if I treat people like objects to fill my needs. Guys who give me attention. And not just them - one of the girls I valued so much tonight, who I really enjoyed dancing with because she has spunk and enthusiasm and because I always felt welcome near her, is someone that I do not appreciate much in daily life, and I don't think that will change much after this... If I like her at dances am I obligated to like her all the time? Or is it okay if the characteristics that are great in a party situation drive me batty the rest of the time?

It's funny how dancing together offers opportunities to be close and touch in ways that aren't really acceptable in other situations. I valued that tonight. Holding Steve's hands. Being right in each other's faces. Having no space left between Patrick and I. And then the gestures that would be acceptable, but are rare. Hugs. A hand on my back. ...Touch is important...

In general I find dancing to be spiritual. I think it can put us in touch with what lies beneath the surface, and even if it is not in a Christian atmosphere it can easily be worship. I have felt this during other times of dancing... but tonight I had a hard time lifting my thoughts and longings to God. Though I tried, I just wanted attention from people.

I wonder how we'll all treat each other tomorrow, when it's back to work, back to reality.