Self Awareness

It's a struggle to put this into words...

I've been wonder lately how well I know myself. But my wondering is more than just that - it has to do with what "myself" is. Am I conscious of who I am? Is "who I am" the self that I am conscious of, or is there a "me" that is separated from what I know myself to be?

Some people define our souls as the essence of who we are. Eugene Peterson is an example: "We do not have souls, we are souls." Am I aware of my soul, or am I ignorant of it? Is my soul happy with God while my conscious mind is sad and lonely? Or does what I am aware of reflect the state of both my mind and soul? John of the Cross and many other spiritual writers would claim that what we are conscious of does not equate to the state of our souls, but I wonder how we can be so unconscious of our true selves. That seems to make consciousness so... peripheral. And it seems so central.

Rene Descartes so famously wrote, "I think, therefore I am." That is, I know I exist because someone is having these thoughts of mine. Is it a collorary therefore that I am what I think - my consciousness is the essence of my being?

Do I really know how I feel about things that happen? How could I possibly have a feeling, an opinion, an experience, and not know about it - don't these words themselves describe a conscious involvement? "I felt sad," means, "I knew myself to be sad." Although since I wouldn't argue with the statement "I didn't realize I was angry with him," I guess I have to admit that we can be unaware...

A few weeks ago when I thought about a friendship and how it would perhaps be smart to step away, I thought I was okay with that. But then I cried for the rest of the day. Turns out I probably wasn't as okay with it as I thought. My feelings snuck up on me without me realizing what they were. I was unaware of myself.

My will lies in the realm of the conscious. If my essence, my true feelings and my experience of the world, lie elsewhere, apart from what I know (from what I can know?) and what I can affect, I feel so dispirited. Why bother, if my awareness and action do not coincide with my self?

What am I?