Allergies

If you are allergic to a thing, it is best not to put that thing in your mouth, particularly if the thing is cats. But Violet, Klaus and Sunny all knew that this was an emergency...
~A Series of Unfortunate Events #3, The Wide Window, by Lemony Snicket

That was so funny when I read it that I burst out in laughter. (What's going on? Well, these three siblings purposefully eat something they know they're allergic to in order to cause an allergic reaction that can serve as their excuse to get some time alone to figure out and thwart Count Olaf's evil plan.)

Growing up I was never allergic to anything, but I have developed some allergies as an adult. I'm now allergic to cats (I caught that allergy from an ex-boyfriend). I think I'm allergic to water because I feel terrible whenever I drink more than usual. And I'm allergic to church.

Church makes me feel miserable. For the past year or two my attendance there has been rare and sporadic. It's hard to find a church when you move to a new city, I don't know what is fair to expect, and I feel like school provides me with everything that I would need from a church. But I know that I will need church when I am no longer in school, so I am trying to make an effort to find a church home even though the endeavor is difficult.

I tried again today. I went to bed last night saying, "I want to go to church tomorrow I want to go to church tomorrow I want to go to church tomorrow," hoping I would actually get up in the morning and go, and it worked. I was late but I was there and I was hopeful. But by the time I left I felt awful. I just wanted to go to back to bed, or not eat, or not exist. I remember feeling so weighed down and saying, "I am so tired of this." And those feelings lasted for the rest of the day.

I've been trying to dissect this reaction, and I'm not exactly sure what always causes it. Nothing was even all that awful about church; nothing they said or did warrants such negative feelings. Plus, most of my experiences with churches end up this way - it's not just one encounter with one church. I know the problem lies in me, not in them.

I think part of the difficulty for me is that when I approach God in a worship setting, I have to do so in authenticity. I can't pretend things are okay when they are not. And under the surface things are a lot less okay than I usually portray - or even notice. ...Authenticity... When I say that in worship I have to be authentic I feel like I'm implying that the rest of the time I don't live authentically, but that's not what I mean. It's just different. In daily life I acknowledge that not all is well with me, but then I can move beyond that and be cheery anyway. But when I stand before God, I can't ignore the angst within. Churches also make a lot of outlandish claims... well, Christianity makes a lot of outlandish claims, and when I am presented with these at church it makes me aware of my shortcomings (or God's shortcomings towards me) and my doubts - a painful experience.

Next Sunday morning I have to work so I can't go to church, and I'm glad. I'm not sure when I'll be motivated to try again, and at what point I can give up and say it's just not healthy to put myself in situations that always make me miserable.

God, what do you want of me here?