Recently

So recently... Work has been getting to me. I have been so tired. I haven't been feeling so stable.

Last week I was assigned to be the supervisor who did the "Audit," double checking all the returns that we did. In general I love doing this job, but a week after Christmas it was just too much. I couldn't keep up. I'd end up losing things, and then I'd get even more behind as I tried to fix the problems I'd introduced. It was really stressful.

Friday was the worst day. I had a meeting mid-day, so I had to race to try to get caught up so I could have enough time for my lunch break before this meeting (and I almost made it, but not quite, so my lunch was short). The meeting wasn't very long, but by the time it was over I'd been gone from my audit for almost an hour. That's an hour of people returning things for me to catch up on. I couldn't get on top of it again. I didn't get a last break, and I even needed a bit of overtime (not okay these days). I left a huge mess and all sorts of problems for the next person to sort through, and when I was off I went to the bathroom and cried. And that was weird - over the years I've spend a considerable amount of time crying in bathroom stalls at work, and this one was just way too wide and way too bright. Weird.

I had plans for Friday night after work. First I went to Ikea with two of the girls from work. I had been there just two days before, but I wanted to spend the time with them. It was fun, but... I didn't feel okay. Then afterwards another friend and I had plans to see a late movie. I complained to him all about my day, and we saw National Treasure and I thought it was pretty good. I'm not sure if it was because the movie got my mind off things or because of the presence of this friend, but at the end of it I felt much better.

When I got to work on Saturday, I heard a manager comment on how he was just picking up where he left off the day before, and I felt like that was very true about me too - I was headed into the same situation I'd left the day before. Shortly thereafter another manager pulled me aside and told me that when I'm doing the audit I'm responsible for making sure all the refunds girls get their breaks on time. Having this responsibility piled on top of my already-too-heavy workload overwhelmed me, and the tears rose up in my eyes. The manager noticed this, and she responded with sympathy. She told me to ask for help when I need it. But... when I get to the point where I really need help, I can't take the time to go and ask for it because then I'm just getting farther behind, and by then I'm already stressed enough that if I try to talk about it I will just cry and then I'll be useless. Plus, the times when I need extra help are times when everyone needs help, so there wouldn't be anyone for me. So the best solution to me seems to be to do the best I can on my own. But this day that manager must have talked to someone, because they sent me help without me even asking for it!! I got an audit assistant for the rest of the day, and that was so wonderful. They gave me a guy who I have fun with and who I trust to do a good job, someone who's been learning aspects of the supervisor role and who asked me to teach him how to do the audit. He helped me out with all the aspects of the job, not just the peon duties, and we got through everything twice as fast and I got a last break! He made my day, and I left work feeling thrilled.

I had dinner plans with a friend on Saturday night, and it was a wonderful evening. I've missed my friend, and it felt so good to really talk, to really connect, to feel assured that we have not grown apart. It's been a while, and not every conversation has been so fulfilling. I wonder if it helped that I was in a good mood for this. Friend, I cherish this evening we had. Thanks. I love you.

Sunday wasn't great. Actually, I was really glad that I wasn't going to church (because I had to work) - I've felt that way every Sunday since the last time I did go three weeks ago when it made me feel awful. That's probably not okay... Work wasn't as bad as Friday, but it wasn't as good as Saturday. It was still busy, and it was hard to keep up, but I got some mediocre help for part of the day, and I only had one mistake I couldn't fix. I bought a soft blanket and a new mattress pad that I'm really excited about (I think I've had my current mattress pad for 20 years). But I didn't feel like I was okay. I felt emotionally shaky. It was the last day for our seasonals, and I didn't say goodbye to any of them.

After work on Sunday I went home, checked my email, and took a nap. I woke up a few hours later when the phone rang, and I felt exhausted and discouraged. I watched a movie, About Schmidt, and I related to it. I see little pieces of my Dad, and perhaps myself, in him. The movie reinforced my ugh mood.

I had the day off work today. That was nice. I slept in (but woke up still feeling tired). I shaved my legs. I got textbooks in the mail. I still felt a measure of emotional shakiness. I didn't do laundry and I didn't bake cookies like I hoped I would. I invited a couple friends over for a Thesis Party, and that was good but sad. It was good because one friend came, we enjoyed drinking tea and being together, and we actually did work on our thesises! And I felt good at the end of it. But it was sad because the friend I first started planning to have Thesis Parties with couldn't make it, and the only time that works for her to regularly get together this semester is a time that doesn't work for me. I was looking forward to having a Thesis Club with her, and it may not happen. Sad. We had Blitz Night at a new location tonight, and that was really good. Thanks, Friend, for hosting it. It was good to be together with some friends I'm not close to. But I didn't do well at Blitz at all, and I wonder if that's because I haven't been doing well myself. They say depression makes your brain slow down. I'm also concerned that I wasn't a kind person tonight, and it worries me that that didn't especially bother me.

I think I'm more likely to find myself under the weather emotionally, like I currently feel, when I've had too much unstructured time alone. But I've spent quite a bit of time with people lately. I find myself forgetting. And although I haven't given myself tons of sleep, I wouldn't expect myself to be as chronically tired as I am. Sigh.

I feel like there's continuity in how I've felt ever since my work Christmas party, ever since the miserable day I had the next day. (Is that true?) Crying while doing the audit reminds me of the day after. Once a few years ago I noticed that I paid for a fun night of dancing with two weeks of depression. And when I think back to the party or see some of my coworkers around, I remember my neediness that night and I'm not proud of that (although I'm not ashamed of my actions). I wonder if dances are really healthy for me...

Tomorrow I'm going to visit Oma. I skipped out on seeing her at Christmas, and I know I won't have any time to go visit once school starts again. I hope we enjoy each other and our time together.