Separation

The whole situation with God kinda feels like a separation. And during a separation it seems fair to meet periodically to sort things out - to articulate what the problems were and possibly attempt to rectify them. To dicern where you're at now.

It's hard. It's easy to get distracted, and it's difficult to carve out the time when I'm also in the mood to deal with painful matters.

But I'm on a three hour trip alone right now. Maybe some of this time can become that. (Last night as I laid in bed waiting to fall asleep I thought about doing this on the drive home today, and my stomach clenched in anxiety.)

A friend in a similar place has offered some descriptions that feel true to me too. She says that Donald Miller says that spirituality should be like falling in love with God. But... sometimes people fall out of love. Sometimes people just aren't meant for each other? Surely God is meant for everybody, but to be honest it sure doesn't feel like it. It's kind of a relief to admit that it's not working. I think I would have an easier time at religion if we didn't expect it to be a relationship. If it was just fulfilling an obligatory ritual, I might still be okay with it. I guess the relational aspect is where the beauty comes from - but also the heartache.

My depression played a big part in causing this separation. After feeling awful for so long, after praying and begging and hoping for healing, and after some serious bouts of not liking or wanting life, I had to give up on the closely held belief that God is good and a friend who's intimately involved in my life. I began to wonder what difference his presence in my life actually makes. Maybe I pretended it wasn't so for a while, but real damage had been done to the relationship.

In many ways, my depression problems have been better lately than they were in the past. Maybe this is the long awaited healing? But this is a place where God and I can't be together. This quasi-healing is at the cost of spirituality.

My ex and I broke up because towards the end all I did was cry whenever we'd talk, for hours and hours. Over the past few years, talking to God (that is, prayer) has made me cry as well. I remember the last SpTh retreat I went on when I cried the whole time, from the first night we shared evening prayers. When I start crying, we start breaking up, and similarities between God and my unhealthy relationship with my ex make me nervous. I used to say that if my boyfriend treated me like I felt God did, the healthy choice would be to break up.

So where are we now? Not friends. We don't talk. And I feel happier this way.