Invited

So I got invited to a wedding. And I feel awkward and I'm not sure what to do.

They're people from work. We've hung out a few times and had a good time, and we have some mutual friends.

But he's on the jerk list. And I'm not very close to her.

I have their address and I'm nice so I sent them a Christmas card. And in response a few weeks later they gave me a Christmas card with a "save the date" card enclosed. They wrote some sort of an apology about this being last minute (the wedding isn't until June, but I guess wedding timelines are different) but said that they enjoy my company at this time so they'd be honored to have me at their wedding. And I didn't believe them. I thought they just felt obligated to invite me since I sent them a Christmas card. Justin read it and told me that it sounded really nice and sincere; I was just being paranoid. I agree that it's possible that my suspicions have more to do with my feelings than their intentions. But knowing that I might be wrong doesn't erase my doubts.

Today I got a real invitation (and it's such a cool invitation!), which brought the issue back up. "Request the honor of your presence." Really? Do they really mean this to me? Do I go because they say they want me there? Or do I decline because I suspect that we are not actually very important to each other? Would going be a vote for our friendship - a step in us becoming important to each other? And maybe a chance for me to get over my problem with them/him?

Other considerations: the wedding is in Saskatchewan. But I could go with Patrick, and stay with him, and I need a reason to take vacation anyways. I think I heard them say that it's going to be kind of a home-spun affair which means that each guest isn't going to cost them very much, so my presence won't be a big imposition. They said I'm welcome to bring a guest, and I'm not sure what to do about that.

I'm unsettled at the thought of going to this wedding. And I don't think that's just because it's theirs - I think I'm unsettled by the thought of weddings and marriage in general. It's hard to celebrate the joy and rightness that other people have found together when it just hilights what is lacking in my own life. Don't get me wrong, I really like being with Justin, and I don't want to get married any time in the foreseeable future. But I think that when I'm faced with people getting married, I notice my own lack of hope that my life will ever be that good, will ever be that right. Maybe the reason I'm not interested in marriage is because I am afraid to hope. If I don't dream those dreams can't crumble.
Sigh.