Party and Miscellany

Tonight was Jenson's going away party. I was never close to Jenson because we worked in different departments and I didn't feel like we really connected, but we had an amiable enough work relationship. A few weeks ago he made a point of telling me he was leaving, though, and for something to say in response I asked if he was having a goodbye party. He seemed eager to tell me about it, so I felt like it was worth going. Maybe I matter to him. Then the girls and I made a date of it. And it was fun. We had dinner in a restaurant, and then sat and talked almost until midnight. I like hanging out with my coworkers.

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This party gave me less to think about and less to regret than the last one did. (I never did blog about that.) I guess I am swayed by my company, and the whole flavor to this party was different. Funny, since this party celebrated a guy in his twenties and the last one, for a married woman in her thirties, was much more dirty. This one was refreshing.

Still... was I too flirty with Iain? I leaned too much, and put my arm around him a couple times. What did he think?... What did I want out of that?... I like that we're friends. He's really young. I think I just wanted touch and nearness. It's a fine line between being friendly and being flirty. I think that friendliness becomes leading someone on when it makes them rightfully hope for something you do not intend. And I don't want it to be true of me that my actions are insincere. Hmm... so this party has left me with food for thought.

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I had a talk with Bob tonight. It started as a shouted conversation across the table, and then I moved closer. We talked religion. He'd had about twelve drinks and he was so wasted. He told me about the different varieties of Christianity he has experimented with, then labeled himself an agnostic. He told me he thinks it's all just about loving your neighbour as yourself and having good intentions. I just listened. It might have been a "witnessing opportunity," but I didn't want to argue. I feel like I have no claim to truth. I assume that the things I believe are true, but I couldn't convince anyone else of them unless they already wanted to believe.

I wonder what Bob would say about religious matters and his soul if he were sober. I wonder what I would say if I were drunk.

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Long ago a friend wrote to me that he'd never heard me say anything remotely negative about anyone. Last week my manager told me that he admires how I don't gossip or spread rumors. I like it that they think this... but I'm not sure that I agree. I'm not really sure what constitutes gossip, and work and coworkers are what we have in common so that forms a big part of our conversation. It feels good to express my frustrations... But I don't actually want to hurt anyone and there's no guarantee that it won't get back to them...

When Tammy left tonight I wanted to say, "She can get away with the strangest hairstyles!" But she had been part of the whole conversation until then, so somehow it felt wrong to make her the topic of it. Is it any different for the people who weren't sitting there with us tonight?

I want to be realistic. Realistically, some people have disrespectable qualities and drive me nuts. Realistically I think it's fair for me to voice my experience. But I also highly regard Melanie Wilkes (from Gone With the Wind), who never believes anything bad about anyone. I'm just not sure if I want to hope to be like her. It's not very realistic.

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I had a bad day with Dale again today. It really bugs me when he tells me what to do. Actually, it bugs me whenever he talks to me. A couple small conversations left me really angry for a good part of the day. Good news though - another week and he's on holidays again! But I can't keep holding my breath for his vacation.

My burning question is: "How do I deal with Dale?" I've tried taking it up with managers. One said he'd observe him and talk to him. The other told me to just consider it his personality and bear with it. But when his personality makes me this frustrated, I can't just suck it up. And... my reaction to him isn't just because of him - it's an intersection between the frustration and me. He says something, a strong reaction rises up in me, I try to think of a better way to handle it, I realize I don't want to react better, I just want to stop. Growing is too hard and I don't want to be in a life where that is required. This mild suicidalness makes me even more frustrated with Dale, who gave me occasion for it.

I can't really say all that to the managers. These problems fall outside their realm. Tonight I remembered that my benefits give me access to free counseling. Maybe that's where I should take my question. "How do I deal with this coworker who frustrates me so much?" However, since my frustration is linked to everything else, I may be bringing up more than I realize by bringing Dale up with a counselor. But maybe that would be good for me.

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Here's some more Jars of Clay. This one's my favorite: Sad Clown.