Known

Tonight a friend mentioned to me that he has noticed that when we talk we often talk about him, even when he intends to ask about me. He wondered aloud how that happens, and asked if I do it on purpose. There's only a handful of stories that I have told him about my life; I've heard a lot more about him than that what I've shared.

This hasn't been intentional, but I can see some reasons. I am incredibly inarticulate about my own life, and I am also uncomfortable with the gap I perceive between who I am and who I have been and who I want to be and who I should be. So it's not easy to talk about myself. Also, I really fear monopolizing the conversation and talking about myself way more than is welcome. It's easier to swing to the other extreme and let the conversation settle on him more often.

Maybe next time we're together I'll tell him about myself. (It's nice that he's interested.) Maybe it will include, "You may have noticed some hints in previous conversations, but I have a problem with depression!" If I'm going to be honest about myself, I've got to say that. I wonder how he'll react.

I fear that once he actually gets to know me he won't be my friend anymore. But... what is the friendship if I am not known?

Just the other day I began writing, "I guess that if you don't know me, there's a pretty good chance that's my fault, not yours."