Tour! So far, it's okay. Here's some little updates:
- my bus buddy is Evelyn. I like that; she is warm and sweet.
- I'm reading Hind's Feet on High Places and it's pretty good.
- I went to the Mall of America in Minneapolis, and I spent lots of money at Bath & Body Works.
- we named our treasurer's bag Petey, and we treat him like our child. (He's about as valuable as one!) I am often preoccupied with his wellbeing. I like being a treasurer because although it means I have to carry around a heavy bag/child, it means I am trusted.
- I found this phrase interesting: "your participation in the gospel" Philippians 1:5 NASB
- Carolyn and I pray together most mornings. I like that.
- on Mon I wrote: "The darkness is lighter. The intro to O Sacred Head is like where I live, but I am on a vacation. So far. It's a little strange - to be away from home in both the literal and metaphorical sense."
- so far on tour I had been doing great, but today I found myself in the beginning of a downswing. It's hard to be around people. It's hard to want to be around people. I don't want to participate in things, but then I feel left out when I don't. It's hard to feel loving and loved. It's awkward and it feels awful. Actually, it feels more familiar. It'll be okay.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Currently, in April...
- graduating! graduated!
- writing my thesis! (Apr 1-7)
- happy to be finished my thesis! (Apr 8-30)
- back to the Testament of Job (Apr 9-14)
- beyond the Testament of Job, moving on to the Greek paper
(hooray for extensions!) (Apr 14-23)
- finished all my homework! (Apr 23-30)
- listening to old school Relient K (Apr 3-9)
(my seventeen magazine tells me that you're in love!)
- enjoying "Friends" Season 2 (Apr 10-)
- playing hostess (Apr 17-26)
- apprehensive about going on tour (Apr 8-26)
- on tour (Apr 26-)
- looking for license plate #046 (Apr 1-4); #047 (Apr 4-6); #049 (Apr 6-8); #050 (Apr 8-15); #051 (Apr 15-21); #52 (Apr 22-24); #53 (Apr 24-25); #54 (Apr 25-30)
- writing my thesis! (Apr 1-7)
- happy to be finished my thesis! (Apr 8-30)
- back to the Testament of Job (Apr 9-14)
- beyond the Testament of Job, moving on to the Greek paper
(hooray for extensions!) (Apr 14-23)
- finished all my homework! (Apr 23-30)
- listening to old school Relient K (Apr 3-9)
(my seventeen magazine tells me that you're in love!)
- enjoying "Friends" Season 2 (Apr 10-)
- playing hostess (Apr 17-26)
- apprehensive about going on tour (Apr 8-26)
- on tour (Apr 26-)
- looking for license plate #046 (Apr 1-4); #047 (Apr 4-6); #049 (Apr 6-8); #050 (Apr 8-15); #051 (Apr 15-21); #52 (Apr 22-24); #53 (Apr 24-25); #54 (Apr 25-30)
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Bucket of Memories
It's the little things that I'll miss when I leave this academic chapter of my life. 
Impromptu meetings. Running into friends and running out for coffee. Planned times together while we're both still students. Et cetera. So I'm going to try to collect these memories in a little bucket, both so I can look back on them later and so that I notice them as valuable at the time.
09/19/07 Going out for breakfast with Almeda on moving day. Sitting at Smitty's and talking about goals for the year.
10/02/07 Sitting in the park with Shawn drinking slurpees on a cool and windy but sunny day. Talking about theology and Catholicism. Respecting him for what I hadn't known how to see in him before.
10/07 Singing in choir.
10/08/07 Just hanging around in the lounge during a class break. Seeing friends doing the same thing. Talking to Carolyn about things going on in our lives. Listening. Getting her advice on recipes.
10/12/07 Standing on the porch in Montana in the dark with Amanda. Drinking tea and singing "Lord Have Mercy." Sharing a room and going to sleep with gratitude for this faithful friendship that has given me a tour buddy, a vacation buddy, a retreat buddy.
10/07 Mailboxes. Checking my mailbox in hope that there is something new in there. Having an easy place to put notes and cards for my friends, so that there will be something new when they check it.
10/26/07 Billeting with Melissa W on mini tour in the place with the amazing quilts. Sitting on my bed together and talking after our billets had gone to sleep. Being able to call people dear friends, and to have them list me as a close friend, even though we've never spent much time together. Making plans to have tea parties and take walks with Melissa.
10/27/07 Spending free time in Kelowna with Amanda and Danaya. Perusing the discount bookstore. Eating lunch at a bakery where the food was wonderful. Gathering leaves.
11/01/07 Having a Spaghetti Party. People thinking that's great, not weird. Being able to expect that everyone's free at dinner time.
11/10/07 Dancing and hanging out with Heather and Ashlee at Almeda & Brian's wedding. Commenting on how we would never expect the three of us to be doing this together, to be building friendships this way.
11/20/07 Having a great conversation about Irenaeus, etc, with Eric in the library. Being somewhere where people know who Irenaeus is.
11/21/07 Having people around with whom I can be honest when I am not well. Sharing about family struggles with Melissa B when we saw each other during a class break. Her taking the time to pray then and there for me and the situation. Sharing again with Almeda in the lounge soon after. Being able to say it is awful and without feeling the need to resolve the situation to happiness by the end of the conversation.
11/22/07 Hearing Melissa W say "I love you!" to me on my way out of the school.
11/26/07 Leaving the school a few steps behind Devin, and him stopping and turning around with a smile when he saw me, happy to see me.
11/27/07 Walking into school as Freddy had just walked by. Him turning around (without breaking his stride) to come and give me a big hug and hello.
12/04/07 How Jeremy calls me girl. "See ya later, girl."
12/07/07 Hugs from Freddy. How he holds me tight and all is safe there.
12/07/07 Being in a place where I can trust people to love me. (Thanks for that tonight, Danaya and Stephi.)
01/14/08 Talking to Shawn in the hallway, and him realizing that I was what had been missing in his plans the night before. Thanking him for having a place for me in his life. Him admitting that it's not a big place, but saying that it can get bigger.
01/15/08 How Barry felt like it was important to tell me personally that he was leaving.
01/16/08 The motivation to read interesting things that I probably wouldn't read on my own, like the history of the Jews and the Apocrypha.
01/17/08 A dessert, movie, and games night with Danaya and Amanda. Having people who care to be around me even when I'm sick.
01/18/08 Mealey telling me that he was pleased to see my friend and I in his class. Being respected and considered intelligent by my professors.
02/08 Lunch after class on Fridays at Pizza Hut with May Lee, Shawn, Amanda, etc.
02/11/08 Seeing Ashlee around and having a chance to chat. Talking about boys and Lent. Hoping to go for coffee soon.
02/11/08 Being honest with Carolyn about how I'm really feeling. Having a friend who values being honest more than being polite. Seeing myself more clearly as I articulate matters to her, and feeling like I've touched something real. Finding myself identifying the school's foyer as the place where I cry with Carolyn.
02/25/08 Going to Wendy's for lunch with Amanda after NT Backgrounds class. Impromptu. Enjoyed.
02/08 Dinners with Amanda and Danaya.
03/09/08 Talking in my car with Amanda outside the restaurant after everyone else had gone home, and how that brought such a good end to the night.
04/01/08 Spending lunchtimes in the Pygmy hanging out with Jess, Shelly, and sometimes Fay. Being someone who can share good conversations with the older students at the school.
04/15/08 Going out for coffee with Naomi. Her remembering, even though there was enough time to forget. Sitting on the leather couches with the beautiful flowers in a quiet corner of the mall and sharing what lies beneath the surface.
04/16/08 Being invited to help out with the first year Greek class next year.
04/24/08 Attending a dinner in my honor with my major. Being able to share with them about my journey, and hearing their affirmations. How some of them sacrificed to be there.
04/26/08 Grad. A day of joy. Being celebrated. Looking around at the profs and realizing how many of them have meant so much to me, and later having them tell me that they've been honored to teach me. Walking down the aisle with Frank. A "Congratulations to Us" card from Amanda. How my Mom came and brought Inid, and how my brother came as my own personal photographer.
Impromptu meetings. Running into friends and running out for coffee. Planned times together while we're both still students. Et cetera. So I'm going to try to collect these memories in a little bucket, both so I can look back on them later and so that I notice them as valuable at the time.09/19/07 Going out for breakfast with Almeda on moving day. Sitting at Smitty's and talking about goals for the year.
10/02/07 Sitting in the park with Shawn drinking slurpees on a cool and windy but sunny day. Talking about theology and Catholicism. Respecting him for what I hadn't known how to see in him before.
10/07 Singing in choir.
10/08/07 Just hanging around in the lounge during a class break. Seeing friends doing the same thing. Talking to Carolyn about things going on in our lives. Listening. Getting her advice on recipes.
10/12/07 Standing on the porch in Montana in the dark with Amanda. Drinking tea and singing "Lord Have Mercy." Sharing a room and going to sleep with gratitude for this faithful friendship that has given me a tour buddy, a vacation buddy, a retreat buddy.
10/07 Mailboxes. Checking my mailbox in hope that there is something new in there. Having an easy place to put notes and cards for my friends, so that there will be something new when they check it.
10/26/07 Billeting with Melissa W on mini tour in the place with the amazing quilts. Sitting on my bed together and talking after our billets had gone to sleep. Being able to call people dear friends, and to have them list me as a close friend, even though we've never spent much time together. Making plans to have tea parties and take walks with Melissa.
10/27/07 Spending free time in Kelowna with Amanda and Danaya. Perusing the discount bookstore. Eating lunch at a bakery where the food was wonderful. Gathering leaves.
11/01/07 Having a Spaghetti Party. People thinking that's great, not weird. Being able to expect that everyone's free at dinner time.
11/10/07 Dancing and hanging out with Heather and Ashlee at Almeda & Brian's wedding. Commenting on how we would never expect the three of us to be doing this together, to be building friendships this way.
11/20/07 Having a great conversation about Irenaeus, etc, with Eric in the library. Being somewhere where people know who Irenaeus is.
11/21/07 Having people around with whom I can be honest when I am not well. Sharing about family struggles with Melissa B when we saw each other during a class break. Her taking the time to pray then and there for me and the situation. Sharing again with Almeda in the lounge soon after. Being able to say it is awful and without feeling the need to resolve the situation to happiness by the end of the conversation.
11/22/07 Hearing Melissa W say "I love you!" to me on my way out of the school.
11/26/07 Leaving the school a few steps behind Devin, and him stopping and turning around with a smile when he saw me, happy to see me.
11/27/07 Walking into school as Freddy had just walked by. Him turning around (without breaking his stride) to come and give me a big hug and hello.
12/04/07 How Jeremy calls me girl. "See ya later, girl."
12/07/07 Hugs from Freddy. How he holds me tight and all is safe there.
12/07/07 Being in a place where I can trust people to love me. (Thanks for that tonight, Danaya and Stephi.)
01/14/08 Talking to Shawn in the hallway, and him realizing that I was what had been missing in his plans the night before. Thanking him for having a place for me in his life. Him admitting that it's not a big place, but saying that it can get bigger.
01/15/08 How Barry felt like it was important to tell me personally that he was leaving.
01/16/08 The motivation to read interesting things that I probably wouldn't read on my own, like the history of the Jews and the Apocrypha.
01/17/08 A dessert, movie, and games night with Danaya and Amanda. Having people who care to be around me even when I'm sick.
01/18/08 Mealey telling me that he was pleased to see my friend and I in his class. Being respected and considered intelligent by my professors.
02/08 Lunch after class on Fridays at Pizza Hut with May Lee, Shawn, Amanda, etc.
02/11/08 Seeing Ashlee around and having a chance to chat. Talking about boys and Lent. Hoping to go for coffee soon.
02/11/08 Being honest with Carolyn about how I'm really feeling. Having a friend who values being honest more than being polite. Seeing myself more clearly as I articulate matters to her, and feeling like I've touched something real. Finding myself identifying the school's foyer as the place where I cry with Carolyn.
02/25/08 Going to Wendy's for lunch with Amanda after NT Backgrounds class. Impromptu. Enjoyed.
02/08 Dinners with Amanda and Danaya.
03/09/08 Talking in my car with Amanda outside the restaurant after everyone else had gone home, and how that brought such a good end to the night.
04/01/08 Spending lunchtimes in the Pygmy hanging out with Jess, Shelly, and sometimes Fay. Being someone who can share good conversations with the older students at the school.
04/15/08 Going out for coffee with Naomi. Her remembering, even though there was enough time to forget. Sitting on the leather couches with the beautiful flowers in a quiet corner of the mall and sharing what lies beneath the surface.
04/16/08 Being invited to help out with the first year Greek class next year.
04/24/08 Attending a dinner in my honor with my major. Being able to share with them about my journey, and hearing their affirmations. How some of them sacrificed to be there.
04/26/08 Grad. A day of joy. Being celebrated. Looking around at the profs and realizing how many of them have meant so much to me, and later having them tell me that they've been honored to teach me. Walking down the aisle with Frank. A "Congratulations to Us" card from Amanda. How my Mom came and brought Inid, and how my brother came as my own personal photographer.
Bucket of Hope
Although I'm leaving behind the opportunity for good community at school, there is hope that I will still have opportunities for goodness around me. Here are some glimpses of that that I have tried to notice, especially at work:
11/21/07 Walking in to work to shop on a day off, on an awful day for me. Seeing Jim leaving as I walk in. "You're not working today? You're not a boss right now? Well then I can give you a hug!" Getting a hug from Jim, even though he didn't know that I really needed it. Enjoying flirty friendship with non-creepy men who are at least twice my age.
12/07 Brandon squeezing my arm as he walks by at work. Scott leaning onto me. I think he thinks he's bothering me, but I like the attention.
12/02/07 Bringing cookies to share with my coworkers after carts are done. People enjoying them and complimenting me.
12/22/07 Stepping out to dance in the middle of the circle at the Christmas party. Feeling like "I can be who I truly am here."
12/22/07 Katie. How I enjoy having her around.
12/23/07 My manager Gary following up after he heard I'd had a bad encounter with another manager. Hearing he respects (and loves?) me, and admires how I've balanced work with school. Knowing I am valued and thought well of.
12/08 Friendship with Perry. How we go to movies and he fills my need for attention. How he considers my friendship worthwhile.
01/03/08 People bringing me Starbucks. Katie. Kim. Nadia.
01/08 The girls at the desk being glad that I was the one doing their audit one day. "We like her, because she takes care of us."
01/09/08 Visiting Katie and going out for coffee. Having a great conversation, and wishing it could last longer and happen more often.
01/13/08 Being part of a girl talk with Lizz and Dana after we got off work.
02/09/08 Lizz giving me excited hugs at work when she saw me.
02/14/08 Going to dinner theatre with Patrick, as friends. Getting to know him more. Having him tell me, "I love talking to you."
02/16/08 Going for dinner with Katie and Nadia. Spending six hours together, chatting. Hearing them say that everyone at work loves me. Continuing to set a precedent of hanging out with girls from work, and working on revealing glimpses of what's beneath the surface.
03/08 Friendship with Trevor and our conversations about faith.
03/12/08 Finding out I'll have a forced vacation, and wondering what I'm going to do if I don't go to work. Weird!
03/14/08 Scott picking me up and carrying me out of the break room.
03/15/08 Another dinner with Katie and Nadia. Being myself and discovering myself around them. Plans to visit Katie at school.
03/25/08 Everyone saying they're glad I'm back.
03/29/08 Nadia baking and bringing some specifically for me.
03/30/08 Our 2 year anniversary party. How I got to spend time with my coworkers in their world - how I'm not afraid to do that anymore. How Steve bowled with me, and Bryan said he's not surprised I've never gotten into a fight because I'm the nicest person ever, and how Aaron told me I'm so cool and invited me to come to his cabin sometime.
04/06/08 Attending Trevor's baptism. Being glad that I can be part of his life.
04/08 How Shannon cared enough to find me a grad dress.
05/08 How people are back for the summer, including Katie. And me.
05/18/08 Having a really good talk with Justin while doing RTVs and go backs.
11/21/07 Walking in to work to shop on a day off, on an awful day for me. Seeing Jim leaving as I walk in. "You're not working today? You're not a boss right now? Well then I can give you a hug!" Getting a hug from Jim, even though he didn't know that I really needed it. Enjoying flirty friendship with non-creepy men who are at least twice my age.
12/07 Brandon squeezing my arm as he walks by at work. Scott leaning onto me. I think he thinks he's bothering me, but I like the attention.
12/02/07 Bringing cookies to share with my coworkers after carts are done. People enjoying them and complimenting me.
12/22/07 Stepping out to dance in the middle of the circle at the Christmas party. Feeling like "I can be who I truly am here."
12/22/07 Katie. How I enjoy having her around.
12/23/07 My manager Gary following up after he heard I'd had a bad encounter with another manager. Hearing he respects (and loves?) me, and admires how I've balanced work with school. Knowing I am valued and thought well of.
12/08 Friendship with Perry. How we go to movies and he fills my need for attention. How he considers my friendship worthwhile.
01/03/08 People bringing me Starbucks. Katie. Kim. Nadia.
01/08 The girls at the desk being glad that I was the one doing their audit one day. "We like her, because she takes care of us."
01/09/08 Visiting Katie and going out for coffee. Having a great conversation, and wishing it could last longer and happen more often.
01/13/08 Being part of a girl talk with Lizz and Dana after we got off work.
02/09/08 Lizz giving me excited hugs at work when she saw me.
02/14/08 Going to dinner theatre with Patrick, as friends. Getting to know him more. Having him tell me, "I love talking to you."
02/16/08 Going for dinner with Katie and Nadia. Spending six hours together, chatting. Hearing them say that everyone at work loves me. Continuing to set a precedent of hanging out with girls from work, and working on revealing glimpses of what's beneath the surface.
03/08 Friendship with Trevor and our conversations about faith.
03/12/08 Finding out I'll have a forced vacation, and wondering what I'm going to do if I don't go to work. Weird!
03/14/08 Scott picking me up and carrying me out of the break room.
03/15/08 Another dinner with Katie and Nadia. Being myself and discovering myself around them. Plans to visit Katie at school.
03/25/08 Everyone saying they're glad I'm back.
03/29/08 Nadia baking and bringing some specifically for me.
03/30/08 Our 2 year anniversary party. How I got to spend time with my coworkers in their world - how I'm not afraid to do that anymore. How Steve bowled with me, and Bryan said he's not surprised I've never gotten into a fight because I'm the nicest person ever, and how Aaron told me I'm so cool and invited me to come to his cabin sometime.
04/06/08 Attending Trevor's baptism. Being glad that I can be part of his life.
04/08 How Shannon cared enough to find me a grad dress.
05/08 How people are back for the summer, including Katie. And me.
05/18/08 Having a really good talk with Justin while doing RTVs and go backs.
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Awards
Mara - TrustworthyI know that I can trust you to always love me, and I trust you with myself. Thanks for making me feel this way.
Amanda - All-Around Friend
You've been my tour buddy, vacation buddy, retreat buddy, graduation buddy... the list goes on and on. Thank you for sharing in so many aspects of my life.
Danaya - Rising Star
Our friendship has grown so much over the past year, and I have loved that. I'm glad you're part of my life.
Kristin - Heart of Wisdom
Everything you say to me is wise and caring. I am so blessed.
Carolyn - Most Empathetic
You've cried with me this year, and that has meant the world to me. You're the person I can open up to most when things are not okay because you understand.
Leah - Best Hostess
You've provided a place for us to be together and build community, and that is so important. Thank you.
Jen - Distancely Challenged
The times when I have seen you have been such hilights. Thank you for your friendship, long-distance though it has been.
May Lee - Ever Faithful
You never let us grow apart, and I'm glad.
Inid - Lovely
You always make me feel so loved, and I am so grateful.
Best Guy Friend - Perry
You surprised me by becoming really great friend to me, and I've really appreciated it.
Katie, Nadia - Hope for the Future
Having your friendship helps me believe that life after school will be good. I'm grateful for you.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
No Strings Attached
"No strings attached." This is an important concept to me.
It's related to obligation. I don't like acting out of obligation - instead I want to do what I want to, not what I feel I have to. And so I don't want other people to feel like they are obligated to me when I am kind to them. If they reciprocate anything, I want it to be because they want to, not because they feel like they have to.
I especially find myself thinking about "no strings attached" when I think about my friendships with guys. It seems like being kind to guys carries so much more potential for strings - not just obligation, but the possibility of intentions for a relationship. When I'm kind to a guy, there are no strings attached - it doesn't mean "I want to date you."
Expectation and disappointment are also a factor here. If there are strings attached to my kindness, and the other person does not respond as I hope, I am crushed. I don't want to be crushed, so I try not to expect. Then we are both free.
It's related to obligation. I don't like acting out of obligation - instead I want to do what I want to, not what I feel I have to. And so I don't want other people to feel like they are obligated to me when I am kind to them. If they reciprocate anything, I want it to be because they want to, not because they feel like they have to.
I especially find myself thinking about "no strings attached" when I think about my friendships with guys. It seems like being kind to guys carries so much more potential for strings - not just obligation, but the possibility of intentions for a relationship. When I'm kind to a guy, there are no strings attached - it doesn't mean "I want to date you."
Expectation and disappointment are also a factor here. If there are strings attached to my kindness, and the other person does not respond as I hope, I am crushed. I don't want to be crushed, so I try not to expect. Then we are both free.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Crunchy
So, I am good at leaving everything until the last minute.
I have a final in seven hours. And I haven't studied yet. And I don't really understand the subject - I really needed to study. But I was too busy trying to write my Greek paper, which was supposed to be due last week but which I got extended until tomorrow. And then I didn't work on it until, um, now. And I probably should sleep tonight too. I'm not sure how this will all turn out.
Aah, the end of the semester crunch.
It's hard to remind myself that I'm not done yet - that I still need to finish up these things. My thesis really took a lot out of me, and I didn't have much homework energy left after that. Plus, I thought I had a lot of time to recover after my thesis was due before I had to get going on the other final papers, but really I didn't.
I find myself just thinking of resigning myself to doing a bad job on these things, or maybe even not doing them at all. One class I'd definately still pass, and the other one I don't need. But... I care too much about my GPA to do that, and I feel like finishing things is a matter of self-respect.
Soon it will be done. Hopefully it won't be done too badly.
Update (04/23/08): So my exam wasn't nearly as bad as I had feared. And my paper got done. It was a little on the late side, and it wasn't great, but it is done. (Actually, as I printed it out I thought about all the requirements that I was falling short on.) But, done is almost as good as done well. Now all my homework is done for this semester! It feels weird to think that I'm finished.
I have a final in seven hours. And I haven't studied yet. And I don't really understand the subject - I really needed to study. But I was too busy trying to write my Greek paper, which was supposed to be due last week but which I got extended until tomorrow. And then I didn't work on it until, um, now. And I probably should sleep tonight too. I'm not sure how this will all turn out.
Aah, the end of the semester crunch.
It's hard to remind myself that I'm not done yet - that I still need to finish up these things. My thesis really took a lot out of me, and I didn't have much homework energy left after that. Plus, I thought I had a lot of time to recover after my thesis was due before I had to get going on the other final papers, but really I didn't.
I find myself just thinking of resigning myself to doing a bad job on these things, or maybe even not doing them at all. One class I'd definately still pass, and the other one I don't need. But... I care too much about my GPA to do that, and I feel like finishing things is a matter of self-respect.
Soon it will be done. Hopefully it won't be done too badly.
Update (04/23/08): So my exam wasn't nearly as bad as I had feared. And my paper got done. It was a little on the late side, and it wasn't great, but it is done. (Actually, as I printed it out I thought about all the requirements that I was falling short on.) But, done is almost as good as done well. Now all my homework is done for this semester! It feels weird to think that I'm finished.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Friend
We went out for coffee again today. Perhaps for the last time; he is moving away. It is so much different when you are leading down from a friendship rather than leading up to one, hanging on for nostalgia's sake.
He's a friend from school who also became a friend from work. For almost a year we went out for coffee every week, and at that time his friendship was so important to me. He even asked me out a few times. I kept saying no, I just wanted to be friends. Still, despite what I said, looking back I think we were a little more than friends.
Then we both had a rough spell at the same time. He became distant and I became needy. I felt hurt when he blew me off when I needed his friendship so much, and I realized that I needed to stop trying so hard to keep the friendship going. I needed to lower my expectations to the point where I wouldn't become disappointed. So the friendship kinda died out. We've hung out a few times since then, but we're no longer close like we used to be.
All I do is worry about him now. He's not in a good place, and I don't really understand, and I can't help. (And I'm not in an especially good place either.) And I feel like I can't even care very much anymore.
I am comparing how I feel about him leaving with my reaction to having to say goodbye to other coworkers, and it feels like I care more about the other ones. Granted, I work so much more closely with the other guys and I rarely see this friend at work so I won't really notice his absence much. I was more aware of being sad that they were leaving, and just feeling neutral towards his parting. But then again, I don't always know how I really feel, and today I felt pretty miserable for no other reason at all. Maybe I am more shaken by this than I realize.
We shared a hug today, and despite everything else swirling around, it was so good, and peaceful, and safe. I don't remember his hugs being that way before. I just wanted to stay there. And I don't know what to think about that.
Farewell, Friend. I wish you well. I wish you purpose and thirst for God and satisfaction.
He's a friend from school who also became a friend from work. For almost a year we went out for coffee every week, and at that time his friendship was so important to me. He even asked me out a few times. I kept saying no, I just wanted to be friends. Still, despite what I said, looking back I think we were a little more than friends.
Then we both had a rough spell at the same time. He became distant and I became needy. I felt hurt when he blew me off when I needed his friendship so much, and I realized that I needed to stop trying so hard to keep the friendship going. I needed to lower my expectations to the point where I wouldn't become disappointed. So the friendship kinda died out. We've hung out a few times since then, but we're no longer close like we used to be.
All I do is worry about him now. He's not in a good place, and I don't really understand, and I can't help. (And I'm not in an especially good place either.) And I feel like I can't even care very much anymore.
I am comparing how I feel about him leaving with my reaction to having to say goodbye to other coworkers, and it feels like I care more about the other ones. Granted, I work so much more closely with the other guys and I rarely see this friend at work so I won't really notice his absence much. I was more aware of being sad that they were leaving, and just feeling neutral towards his parting. But then again, I don't always know how I really feel, and today I felt pretty miserable for no other reason at all. Maybe I am more shaken by this than I realize.
We shared a hug today, and despite everything else swirling around, it was so good, and peaceful, and safe. I don't remember his hugs being that way before. I just wanted to stay there. And I don't know what to think about that.
Farewell, Friend. I wish you well. I wish you purpose and thirst for God and satisfaction.
Monday, April 21, 2008
Friday, April 18, 2008
Welcome, Friend
I have a visitor!
Friend, I am so glad you are here, and I am honored that you are staying with me.
I hope that all your hopes for this visit are realized. You think your expectations are so high that they can't possibly all come true, but I hope that you won't be at all disappointed. I hope this time is very rich for you. May God bless your visit.
Friend, I am so glad you are here, and I am honored that you are staying with me.
I hope that all your hopes for this visit are realized. You think your expectations are so high that they can't possibly all come true, but I hope that you won't be at all disappointed. I hope this time is very rich for you. May God bless your visit.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Greek Finale
Today I had my last Greek class. (That seems weird.) At the end of class the prof asked us if we would be interested in helping out with the first level class next year. I said an excited "yes!" He doesn't know what this might look like, and I don't know if I can balance it with work. But it would be so wonderful to have more opportunities to use (and not lose) my beloved Greek.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
"Anymore"
I went to chapel today. It was Barry's farewell. I was glad to be there for that. He shared with us of his passion and 2 Corinthians 2:14-4:7. He drew out four prayer nuggets, things he asked we would pray for him and he will pray for us: May we never lose our sense of wonder that God has chosen us. May we always live our lives under his gaze (sous son regard) and in his strength. May we always keep the excitement about the message and the ministry that God has given us. May we never neglect our sacred responsibility, our duty, to share the gospel.
I think I have already lost all these things. And I discovered that I think evangelism, especially in the "love them to Jesus" variety (which, granted, is better than some of the other flavors) is manipulative. Aren't we basically saying that we should be kind to them so that they will feel obligated to accept our religion? And, as Barry leaves, I was reminded of how there has just been so much loss.
The word of the hour for me was "anymore." I'm not exactly sure of all of the implications, and I'm not sure I want to press it. The word makes me think of this song, though.
I can't keep pretending that I don't love you anymore.
I can't keep pretending. I don't love you anymore.
It means the first one. But I've always wondered if it means the second one.
Anymore. Things have changed. Things have to change.
I think I have already lost all these things. And I discovered that I think evangelism, especially in the "love them to Jesus" variety (which, granted, is better than some of the other flavors) is manipulative. Aren't we basically saying that we should be kind to them so that they will feel obligated to accept our religion? And, as Barry leaves, I was reminded of how there has just been so much loss.
The word of the hour for me was "anymore." I'm not exactly sure of all of the implications, and I'm not sure I want to press it. The word makes me think of this song, though.
I can't keep pretending that I don't love you anymore.
I can't keep pretending. I don't love you anymore.
It means the first one. But I've always wondered if it means the second one.
Anymore. Things have changed. Things have to change.
Revelation?
Although we've been part of each other's lives for seven months now, spending two and a half weeks straight together is different than seeing each other for a few hours two, maybe three, times a week. There is something I should maybe tell you about myself before we head into this.I wanted to say this to them. It was part (well, most) of my "tour coping strategy" - to find support among the group that I will be with. But asking for that opportunity got really hard. I tried to bring it up with one of the chaplains, but I finally noticed that every time I mentioned it she got really cold. That hurt, and that made me not want to share with anyone else... but by then I figured I had already kinda gotten the ball rolling.
I have a depression problem. It really affects my relationship with God, and it also affects my relationships with people. It makes things like tour hard for me. I just wanted to tell you guys because I want you to know me, because we say we're a family, and because I don't want to have to feel like it's a secret when we're on tour together.
Today in choir we had some "talk about tour" time. I thought this might include my chance to share, and I shivered through most of it. But it was more like announcements than sharing, and so I didn't have a good chance to say what I needed to. I don't know if I'm disappointed or relieved. It seemed like a really good and a really bad idea to let them know where I'm at, who I am.
Friday, April 11, 2008
Work Boys
Scott is leaving. Tomorrow is his last day, and I just found out today. I knew he was thinking of leaving, but still I didn't really expect it. I am so sad, 'cause he is so much fun! He always just walks up and jabs me in the ribs in a tickling sort of way, which is incredibly awkward 'cause he does it when I'm trying to ask a customer something, but I love it. I love the attention. It makes me happy to have him around. And now he will no longer be around. So I was sad to him today. I'm making goodbye cookies for him. I hope he doesn't skip work tomorrow.
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