Nostalgia 2

So I went to the grad ceremony. It was... tiring. Both in the sleep aspect (I went in to work extra early so I could get off early) and in the social aspect (a crowd full of near-strangers). Actually, it kind of felt like an emotional roller coaster.

It began with a choir concert. Being there for that was almost as important to me as being there for the commencement. I want to be supportive of my ex-choir and I want to encourage the members by attending their concerts. Though I haven't made it to all their concerts this year, I've made it to several. This time they invited choir alumni up to join them for several songs! It was really neat to join them again. I've missed singing. My range has definitely shrunk, though - I couldn't hit the high notes anymore! And I had a hard time finding my part! Still, I really enjoyed being up there with them again - almost every time I go to one of their concerts I articulate that it's much more fun being up on the risers than down on the audience. During the first few songs I even found myself considering joining them again next year. But I also realized that my heart's not really in the right place for that, and when we got to the songs that I thought I knew but didn't my heart sunk as it remembered the hard times of choir.

Still, seeing the choir was nostalgic. They have been together all year now and bonded and become close as they've shared many experiences together. And I'm no longer a part of it. That's the way it needs to be, but I still feel the weight of that. They are leaving for tour this weekend. I know what that is like. I wrote Evy a note expressing my hopes that she has a great tour with a great bus buddy - last year that was me. Remembering. (I almost cried when I gave this note to her later. I think she did too.)

As for the actual graduation ceremony, I didn't realize so many people I knew were graduating this year! I knew about the one person from my major, but many other people I cared about walked across that stage. I remember what that was like - the celebration tinged bittersweet by the fact that what is being celebrated is a parting. For me, to see them graduate this year felt like I was losing them. Not that I've talked to them in the past year, but as long as they were at school I would always have a hope of getting in touch with them. Now they'll go off and live their lives, and I hope with all my heart that they'll be happy, but I don't expect to see them again. Farewell... It also kind of ached to even remember these people I have cared about. Caring means giving a piece of yourself away, and that kinda seems to hurt forever afterwards.

Being a Christian college, my school's graduation ceremony was even more religiously focused than most. It was awkward being in a context where they praised Jesus. I'm not there. A speaker challenged the grads to let God fill their entire vision while I considered how my life is essentially egocentric rather than theocentric. I kinda feel like I have let my school down: they have invested into me and conferred upon me a degree, and I have given up on God. If they knew, what would they say?

All the clapping and caring and hoping and remembering made an exhausting combination by the end of the ceremony. I just wanted to get out of there, but I had written notes to several of the grads so I had to wait until they were done their pictures to hand them out. That was probably a good thing - to congratulate people in person - but it was hard. When I was finally able to leave it was a relief, and I texted Justin: "I escaped!" All night, and even the next day, I just felt so drained.

=~=~=~=~=~=

Tonight was the dinner celebrating Diane's graduation from our major. I was so tired, from a social exhausting event the day before, a lack of sleep, and an early morning to get in six plus hours of work before heading out early to attend this dinner. (It was a potluck but I didn't have the energy or motivation to cook anything so I cheated and brought a box of two-bite brownies. Really, I should be able to do better than that. It's not like I just wrote finals or papers or anything like most of them did.)

I wasn't expecting much from this event - encounters with my major usually leave me feeling deeply and inexplicably unsettled. But this time was great! By the time I left I felt more energized and okay than I did on my way out there, with a warmth in my heart. I'm not sure what made the difference... Good conversations? Smaller conversations, instead of just one big group? The absence of certain people? The presence of others?

It was a grace to be invited to this, and Amanda and I talked about how glad we were to be included. Technically we're not in the major anymore since we're finished school, so at anytime they could start leaving us out. None of the other people previously a part of this group were there. Amanda and I are still very good friends with someone in the major though; maybe we are welcome there as long as our connections last. Tonight we got preemptively invited to the Christmas dinner.

I am so glad to still have friends from school a year later. That doesn't happen to everyone; you graduate and lose what you had in common and grow apart and become too busy to spend time together. And I knew that many of my acquaintances from school, no matter how much I valued them in that role, would turn out that way. It's just nice to know for sure that a few of these relationships are not just "school friends" but "real friends." Thank you Friends. I am so grateful for you.

Snippets of the conversation over the dinner table included a discussion of who all was part of the major and who was a guest. Luke's wife, they said, married into the major. I thought that was a funny way to put it - like marrying into a family. Later Danaya came and laid on the couch, putting her head in my lap, and when we talked about that and I told her she is welcome to lay her head on my lap anytime, we identified that as a family sort of thing. She said that this group is a family to her. I used to call them my "community," which is a loose family-type word. A variety of people gathering together to celebrate certain occasions. You don't always like them, but you've got something in common. Family.

A new girl, Tina, just joined our major. She's not new to me though - she was in our small group last year! (Actually, she kinda was our small group last year - attendance got a little sparse, which made us appreciate her all the more.) It was really great to see her again and to know that we still have something connecting us. I really enjoyed having her there and welcoming her into the group tonight.

Fay, the member of the group who hosted the dinner, gave me her phone number and email address as I left, and invited me to call her to go out for coffee sometime. I was so honored by that - she didn't do that for anyone else. I feel shined on. And she is someone I really admire for her warmth. I wonder if I will actually take her up on this though...