(none)

The doorbell didn't work. And they didn't hear when I knocked. I was stuck outside. After I had gone the wrong direction and was still hoping I found the right house.
That feels embarrassing.
It reminds me of how I felt when I got to the restaurant early to get us a table, but they got their own table when they arrived and I had to move over to join them.
It's hard to enjoy our time together afterwards.
Even just these two examples show too many such situations lately.
And I feel like a terrible person when I don't feel warmly towards my friends.

But the blanket I made and gave them is in the baby's play pen. And she has a picture of me on her wall and on her fridge.
I am valued.

Friendship is an investment. You don't get anything back without putting anything in, and what you gain is somewhat proportional to what you give. Still, sometimes you are surprised because an average investment brings you an amazing amount of pleasure in return. Other times, however, your investment brings very little in return. Like the stock market, friendships go through peaks and valleys, high times and low times. It's not a simple game. And I guess it can't be simplified enough to fit it into this analogy: unlike monetary investment, friendship is not all about me, not all about getting.

Life is awkward and full of angst, hard to maneuver graciously but spotted with enough good to keep you moving forward.

Today's Minutiae

I got a new cell phone ringtone recently: Walking in Memphis, by Lonestar. I don't know what it is about that song, but I really really like it. Hearing it almost tastes like good.

We got new toys for Benny today. (Benny's the barbeque. It's short for Albany, his model name.) He got a new BBQ lighter ('cause his igniter died), a stick-on tank gauge, and a chicken drumstick cooking rack. Woo hoo!

We also went shopping at M&M Meats today. The other day we were looking through the flyer, and there were so many things that looked so good that we just had to go there today and stock up. I'll just say that I'm glad I have a big freezer! I even signed up for the loyalty card.

So between Benny and M&M Meats, tonight we had stuffed potatoes and bacon wrapped Pac-Man turkey. (As well as being an amusing shape, it allows you to ensure that the turkey is cooked!)

And then the rest of the night was spent cleaning. My landlords are inspecting all the apartments over the next few days, and I generally (never!) keep my place inspection-worthy. Getting it to that point took a lot of hard work. But it hasn't been this clean in a long, long time. I have a bedroom floor again! And all the dishes are washed!

Cleaning time cut into sleeping time though. I have to work in 4 hrs and 39 mins. Mergh.

Update: The inspection turned out well enough, I guess - I was out all day and there was nothing to indicate otherwise when I got home. It's nice to have a clean place again. Even my bedroom is clean, and that hasn't happened in a long time! It's a lot of effort to make it that way, and it even feels like quite a bit of effort to keep it that way. I'm not sure how long I want to try to keep this up. Maybe I'll make a goal of a week, and see how I feel about it after that.

The chicken drumstick cooker didn't quite fulfill my hopes though. It fell over and caused lots of smoke that flooded through the window into my bedroom and set off the fire alarm (first time ever - it has a really funny sound!). And the chicken didn't even get cooked! Plus, it was impossibly hard to get clean afterwards. Hopefully it will work better next time, else Benny's new toy will have a short life.

Birthday

It's birthday season again. Happy Birthday to me! I had a good birthday.

It started the day before. Leah and I had plans to hang out and watch a movie. I thought it was just going to be a low key evening, just her and me. I got there and shouted a hello as I walked in, and she answered back "I'm in the living room playing guitar hero!" Oh, so that's what kind of night this is going to be, I thought. And I walked around the corner - and lots my friends popped out! It was a surprise party! Leah had even tracked down some of my work friends (through an email I'd sent to them all). She'd considered my favorite kind of cake, music, and movies. I was so impressed. Thanks, hon.

My actual birthday was actually kinda low key, but that was nice. Justin had just gotten home from Nova Scotia that morning, so we hung out together when I got off work. It was so nice to see him again. We went out for dinner, and then we came back to my place and fell asleep! It sounds dull but it was so nice.

The next day was the birthday party I planned. Many of my friends and I went out for dinner together. It was an easy party to plan: I didn't have to do any cooking or cleaning! It was nice to be surrounded by people I care about, people who care about me. I only wish I had more attention to share around the table - I wanted to be part of all the conversations.

I'm older now. But I've been getting used to this new age for the last few months, so it doesn't feel like a big change all of the sudden. Sometimes, though, when I compare my life with other people my age or younger, I feel like I'm falling behind, like I haven't achieved much in comparison. Most of the time I realize that my life is what it needs to be, but every so often that feeling sneaks up on me.

On a birthday card to me, one friend wrote: Please know no matter how busy or flaky I am, I am constantly grateful to have you as a friend. You are wonderful and I always adore you. That was nice to hear, because we don't get much time together and sometimes that makes me wonder. Other cards hilighted the journey aspect of life and how they are glad we walk it together.

Television

Well the rabbit ear peasant vision hasn't been cut off yet, like they've been threatening for months and months and months. I guess that digital hasn't overtaken everything yet: analog signals are still going out, and my TV is still picking them up. Sweet.

But Rachel Ray is really annoying. I've never watched her show before to notice that; I've only thought she looked pretty on the front of her cookbooks. But once you hear her voice... definitely irritating. No one should be that excited about coffee ice cubes, even if it is a good idea. Gaaah!

Alberta's Wages

So I've been thinking about reading the Labour Law for a while. Both as a supervisor and as a payroll clerk, it interests me to know what the law actually says regarding how employees have to be treated. I'm not sure if or when I will actually do this, but today I got around to looking it up on the internet. On related websites I found some pretty interesting statistics on Alberta wages:

• The minimum wage in Alberta is $8.40 per hour.
• Only 1.3% of workers earn this (less than 20, 000 people).
• The average wage in Alberta is $24.17/hr.

It surprises me that so few people in Alberta actually earn minimum wage (despite how often we recognize that every employer has to pay much more than that to attract or retain any staff), and that the average person earns three times the required minimum wage. I guess there are as many people below the average than there are above, though. I was surprised by the statistics for other provinces as well. They're a little more moderate than Alberta, but most provinces (that had statistics listed) have a minimum wage between $7.75 and $9.50 and an average wage around $20.00, with much less than 10% earning only the minimum. (Also, some other provinces institute a lower minimum wage for youths or for people with no work experience!) Although the numbers seem generous to me, I wonder how far people are actually able to stretch that amount of money. For me, I live comfortably with what I get paid, but I live conservatively. Maybe more people than I thought are in a similar boat.

Source: Work Rights

Raining

Hope

Some friends and I are going to read The Audacity of Hope by Barack Obama together. It's an effort to make our book club more than just a neat idea. We'll see how it goes. We're not really sure how it's going to work, which may be why we've never read anything together although we technically started this over a year ago.

I like the title. "Hope" is a loaded word for me, though, so in the face of reading this book I thought I'd articulate some of my feelings towards that concept. (Good morning, pessimism.)

I think that hope is dangerous. I think that's one of my mottos. And I don't mean good dangerous. When you hope, you have the strong possibility of being crushed. Your heart gets set on a particular positive outcome, and the discouragement and disillusionment that come when the object of your hope are not forthcoming make you worse off than you were before. Also, naivety often disguises itself as hope, and once you learn this you cannot help but be suspicious.

Hope deferred makes the heart sick...
...Proverbs 13:12...

I am well acquainted with the sickness of heart that arises from dashed hopes. With low expectations, I am less likely to be disappointed. I am more able to make what I can out of my current circumstances instead of grasping for things outside my reach. I can exchange desperation for peace. It seems better this way.

Crazy

Justin went home to Nova Scotia this week for a holiday. This is one of the first times he's gone anywhere while we've been dating - usually it's me going to visit Mom, or Dad, or Oma, or Cuba, and leaving him behind at home. I've taken this opportunity to try to plan a lot of activities with friends. Usually I am satisfied to just spend a lot of time with Justin, but that's not an option this week and there are many people I ought to connect with. I don't want to spend the week all alone.

I've had a really rough week though. I'm not okay. I've been crying a lot. I haven't been eating well. I've taken a lot of naps and remembered how I used to say "I think I abuse sleep." I wonder how much this has to do with Justin being gone. On one hand, I know it's pretty separate from that. I have reasons for why I'm not okay: work stuff has been hugely discouraging, and I've had some friendship crises come up lately too. But I usually handle stuff better than this, at least lately. Despite my efforts to have a social week, I usually don't spend this much time alone. Usually I can talk it over with Justin, and then we cook supper and spend a lot of time together and that distracts me from my problems and gives me an alternative to focus on. Now I just stew in them.

He's an upper in my life. It's nice to see that. I really like having him in my life.

He calls every day or two and we have a brief chat. I like that. I've told him a bit about what's going on, but I haven't really gotten into it. For one thing, several times when he's called he's woken me up from a nap so I'm not incredibly articulate. And I don't want to be a rain cloud over his vacation. I want him to have fun and not worry about me. I never want my craziness to be a burden to him.

Kay

She emailed today. We haven't heard from her in a while. Part of that was our doing - much of our time together for a while was spent doing something related to our trip to Cuba, and she had declined to join us so we obviously didn't include her in the planning times. That seemed like the best thing at the time, but looking back I see how she could feel hurt by that time of silence. When we returned I invited her through emails whenever we got together for coffee, and heard no response from her. This week was the third attempt. This time she sent an explanation.

I feel that I am not really part of the group anymore. We are all in different places in life and I have felt for a while that I don't really connect with you guys anymore. You all have a connection in other areas in your life and go on vacation together and I just feel like an outsider and have for some time.

It's true. She is in a much different place in her life; she is married and has a baby. That makes it harder for us to connect, but not impossible. As for connections between the rest of us... we were in school together a year longer than she was, true. And the other two girls work together, but I don't share that connection. Vacation, yes, we went on vacation together. We not only invited her to come, but she was in on the initial suggestion of it a year before. At that point she was coming along, but when we actually started making it happen she said no for financial priority reasons. I tried to respect that, but I was disappointed. "For some time"... that didn't start with this Cuba adventure. She'd been skipping coffee times with us for a long time before that. When I wrote her a Christmas card I tried to say that I knew it was important that her family was her priority, but I felt left out of her life. That Christmas card never got to her, and then she came out for coffee once shortly after New Years. That's the last time I saw her.

It's not our fault. It's not our fault that we don't have children, or that she didn't come to Cuba with us, or that we we still went on a vacation together after she said she couldn't come along. Granted, we could have called her more, but I don't think she's ever called me, and there's only a few times over the years that she initiated plans with us.
But just because it's not our fault doesn't mean she's unjustified in how she feels. She's the one who taught me that all experience is valid. I'm sad that this is how she feels.
I think anyone can be friends. I don't think it has to be this way. It's a matter of wanting it, and of trying... and of an intangible connection factor. We used to have that. It's sad to mourn its extinguishment. But I don't know how to keep it alive, especially if she's already gone.

What to say in response... How do I say I value her? I feel like I need to let her go without guilt, but maybe instead I should fight for her friendship. But fights always have casualties; it might turn out to be more painful that way, with similar results.

Thank you for your email and your honesty. I'm so sorry this is how you feel. I will miss you (I do miss you, it's not just a future thing), and I wish you well.

Remembering... coffee times. Honesty and openness and listening and speaking truth to each other. Confession and tears. How brilliant and rational and beautiful she is. How we have matching t-shirts.
All is loss.

Work News

So aside from my saddening review and my dread of returning to Front End, here is some of the work news that I've been meaning to share for the last month or so.

I'm still in Payroll. It's been about four months now. The other girl has been on an extended leave, so I've been covering her position. And it's been great. I've learned a lot, and it's been really nice to have all my evenings free. I've discovered that I really like paperwork and office tasks.

We trained a new guy too: Jared. At first I was really excited about this - from the minimal amount that I'd worked with him before he seemed like a really dynamic guy. But close up, he gets a little annoying. If I never hear his "der derder der" again, that will be fine. My opinion of him at the end of his month in Payroll isn't what I expected.
It was weird not being the newest person in Payroll anymore. I was used to doing all the grunt work and also all the medium-hard work to learn how to do it - but now Jared got to do all that. I wasn't quite ready to let go yet! And he was doing all my work! With three of us in there (and Jared's a quick learner), we were running out of things to do for the week.
The training dynamic was a little weird. During my cross-training, Geoff was the only one who taught me; the other girl had little input when she was there. When we trained Jared, though, I seemed to think it was just that - us training him. He knew me better than he knew Geoff, so he started by looking over my shoulder. And then one of the next tasks to be done was something that I actually knew better than Geoff (I'd come up with a new and better way to do it), so I introduced it to Jared. Then he just started asking me most of his questions. I felt bad about this - I hoped that Geoff didn't think I was taking over his role as trainer! So I tried to be more hands-off about it; I'd say things like, "So, should I do this termination, or do you want to show Jared how to do it?" And Geoff would respond, "Oh, you can show him how!" So I did. I suspect that perhaps Jared was bothersome to Geoff too, so he didn't mind having less interaction with him.

When I went on vacation a few months ago, I thought about all the things Geoff would have to do alone while I was gone, and I figured that he cannot go on vacation because I couldn't do it without him. But the time has come for Geoff's vacation. I won't be doing the job alone like he was - I'll have Jared - but in Geoff's absence, I have to be the expert. I'll have to do all the really hard things, and I'll come across all sorts of questions that he won't be there to answer. I guess this will be my chance to get acquainted with the Payroll lady at Head Office! I'm nervous, but I know it won't be a disaster. That shows me how much I've grown both in the Payroll role and in my confidence about it.

The other girl is expected to return from her leave next week. I'm not really looking forward to that, for many reasons. First, it means that eventually I will have to return to Front End. Especially after the disaster of my recent review I am dreading that. She will return while Geoff is on holidays so I'll stay in Payroll until he is back, but she is not a pleasant person and I'm not excited to work with her. Also, it will be awkward. She knows me as someone who knows nothing about Payroll (I'd only been in there ten days when she left); now Geoff tells me I know more than she does. I'll still be the expert, but she has done it for much longer than I have. Several things have changed since she's been gone, and I don't know how to tactfully introduce those things to her. That will be a strange balance of power.

Review

It's nearing my work anniversary. Eight years. Dude.
Every year we do an annual review. I rate myself and discuss my goals, then one of my managers rates me and expresses comments, and then we sit down and talk about it.
Today was the discussion. Not a fan. This put a really bad spin on my day.
Two significant things arose - things that I didn't realize were such a big deal, two conversations I had forgotten about.

First... A few months ago, earlier on in my Payroll experience, a few of my managers together asked me how I was enjoying Payroll. I said I really liked it, and I honestly expressed that one thing I really enjoyed was not having to push the company's programs. I'm not a fan of Programs (the credit card, etc.). Having to push them makes me very uncomfortable, and it's been wonderful to be in Payroll and not have to worry about that. But it turns out that voicing my feelings to my managers was a very bad idea. They feel very strongly about Programs - the programs are for the good of the company - and my managers feel it is very concerning if I am not fully supportive, especially considering my role as a supervisor. Had I not said anything, they probably wouldn't have noticed, or if they had it wouldn't have been to the same degree. But now they will be keeping their eyes on me when I get back to Front End (which may happen by the end of the month), making sure I'm producing the necessary results. Because I said I don't like Programs, I will have to focus on them so much more. It makes me not want to go back. It also makes me think I should keep my mouth shut and not be honest with them about how I feel about things. Anything I say can and probably will be used against me.

Next... One of my special supervisor tasks is to keep track of how many people we have on each till each day (a topic referred to as "Till Integrity"), and I've been able to keep up with this even while I've been in Payroll. The goal is to have no more than four cashiers per till so that if there are any shortages etc they are easier to track. It can be a challenge, though, for the "Board Runner" to achieve this goal; it's easier to just disregard it. At the beginning of last week, when I was updating everyone on how Till Integrity was going, I thought it would help motivate them to try if I offered an incentive, so I promised a prize to the Board Runners for clean till integrity that week. This email goes to the managers as well as the other supervisors, and the top manager responded by asking what the prize was and why he hadn't been told. I talked to him on my way out that day, and explained that I hadn't told him about it because I had just thought about it without a lot of planning, and the prize was a chocolate bar. He responded that a chocolate bar is not a good prize so if we're going to give a prize it should be something else, but we really shouldn't even be giving prizes. We get in trouble with the auditor for doing so because it's part of people's jobs and it should simply be rewarded with praise, not with prizes. I argued that sometimes affirmation means more when it is tangible. Plus, a chocolate bar was what I was willing to give - I bought a case of a new fun kind and I definitely have enough to share. It's not an amazing prize, but I figured the recognition would matter as much as the item. I didn't feel like this was a big deal - just a small unofficial recognition from me for success on the project I'm in charge of. But my manager seemed to think it was a big deal. This conversation was very discouraging for me. I had been pretty excited about what I was doing, but he rained all over my parade. In the end he gave me his tentative okay.
But it showed up on my review, in areas like receiving constructive criticism, following direction and coaching, seeking input and advice, and respecting management's decisions. They wrote, "We want you to know the difference of snap decisions compared with decisions that require communication with management." Really?
I did a good thing. I care enough about my coworkers and I care enough about my project that I was willing to invest something into recognizing successful efforts, intending by doing so to improve both results and morale. And all I got for it was criticism, negativity, and a black mark on my review, which is part of my permanent record. I wasn't looking for recognition or praise for this; I expected it would be quietly appreciated and then forgotten. I really didn't expect it to turn out badly for me. They didn't even balance out their negativity with a "That was nice of you."
I guess the moral of the story is that I need to talk everything over with my manager. I think that sometimes bureaucratizes and ruins things, but it that's what they want, I'll acquiesce to it. Or I'll just not try anything like this stunt that requires such discussion again.
I still don't really understand, though. I don't get why I need to pass something like this by him. I don't understand why the offer of a small prize could be considered a problem. Although I wasn't pleased with our conversation either, I didn't realize that it was such a big deal to him that he felt it was necessary to address in my review. So this situation re-raises all my fears about social ineptitude, about thinking along a different wavelength than everyone else, about thinking something is okay when it really is not. The criticism of my nice deed is hard, but what is worse is that it fuels my own deeper fears.

Elle

- very well intentioned
- wants to be a great friend to me
- ... I'm not sure I want her close anymore

Old Grievances
- phoned to tell me all about what was going on in her life, and then said "I better go" before asking about mine - taught me that this isn't a friendship where I should expect to share/be open
- spaghetti sauce for xmas - "this is really basic, low-grade stuff" - but it was my best
- wedding date - "Still in April?" "What? You still think that?"
- cleaning up her kitchen - "everything's in the wrong spot" instead of "thank you!" - today I tidied up after dinner, and I felt awkward when she expressed her gratitude and helped. I wanted it to be ignored. It's what I do anyway.

- "either way" - your catch phrase makes no sense in context!

- you remember too clearly who I was, and I think your expectations are still based on that
- conversations feel like a report, not an exploration
- I feel reticent to share
- I usually don't like your responses to whatever I do share

- I can't believe anything you say. Your plans for the future will not come true. Just listening to them exhausts me. You say everything with such confidence, but still it doesn't last.
- Maybe this time you're right. Maybe things are changing. I don't know if I believe it.

- I wonder if I only have a certain amount of energy for each friendship. If so, you used it up a long time ago.
- You are devoted to our friendship because I stood by you through so many things. Now you want to return the favour. But it takes energy for me to receive your friendship, and I have checked out. I only stay for nostalgia's sake.

Proud

My brother is working on something he calls Project 365. The idea is that he takes a picture every day and posts it, along with a description. Kinda like a blog, it allows us to keep up with his life. And I love catching a glimpse of my brother in this way. I don't often get a chance to see who he is in the real world. He takes amazing pictures, and he tells fantastic stories. And - and - he mentions me one time! (I'm such a ditz for my brother.) And even when he's just talking about mundane things - eating ice cream and feeling secretly happy about math problems - or when his picture of the day is a rainstorm or the inside of his fridge, I'm just so proud that he is my brother. Maybe that's the unconditional flavor of love. "I can't pinpoint the reasons why I feel this way, but I'm just so honored that you're mine."

Pre

I went walking alone tonight. It was dark and late, and I carried my keys like a weapon, just in case, just like you taught me. You cared enough to teach me how to defend myself. Although I forgot a lot of your other suggestions, I remembered that.
I missed you tonight. You probably miss me too.
But I can't fix it. Things are this way for many reasons.

Jay

I remember three years ago, in the summer, when I wondered if we were "breaking up." You were cancelling plans with me and you weren't returning calls. I wondered if the problem was me or you. I wondered if you even wanted to be my friend. The great distance I felt between us suggested to me that I wasn't important to you. I echoed Beaches and cried: "What am I going to do without a best friend?" Three years ago...

We have been out of each other's lives for so long. You were busy. You weren't well. You stopped writing. I didn't know what was going on in your life. That made it hard for me to continue to consider you a necessary part of mine.

Granted, it was long-distance. But it was easy enough for you to come to where I had lived with your other friends... for you to come home to see your family all the time...

You didn't even tell me your new phone number. You never answered or returned the calls I made to your cell phone. There were times when I really needed you, but I couldn't get in touch so I hid the tears as I left a message that you wouldn't respond to. Then our other friend would tell me about how she talked to you - how she had your phone number, how you'd return her calls. Why not mine?

I came to your recital, and was glad to do so to support you. But as I saw a glimpse of your life there, I didn't see any touches of myself. There was not one picture of me in your room. None of your friends had any idea who I was (although they were fully familiar with our other friend). These things told me that I'm not a part of your life there, that I'm not important to you.

We've changed so much (at least I have...) and we're very much out of each other's lives now. Do we have any common ground anymore? Is there anything left?