Sometimes people need me.
He had a sad day. A day of loneliness, a day when he wondered who his friends really were.
I thought about him several times that day. I thought about calling, just out of the blue, not realizing he was having a hard time, but I didn't. And it probably would have meant the world if I had.
Someone else did. They showed up in his life, they helped. I'm glad they did. But it could have been me.
And now I'm not sure whether to apologize, or just leave it unspoken and try to be a better friend in the future. A friend who is actually involved in the life of my friends.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Silent Treatment
I heard this song on the radio today as I drove.
There's passion, feeling, truth.
It makes me pensive, though.
It reminds me of my parents.
Not of anything I remember from their relationship, just of the stories I heard.
Around their first anniversary (I think that's what she said), my Dad just stopped talking to my Mom. Not as in he only spoke about surface matters and wouldn't go deep - he wouldn't say anything to her. Not a word. Not even a greeting when he came home from work. And she begged and pleaded with him to tell her what was wrong, to tell her if she had done something, to tell her how she could make it better. Nothing. She was becoming a wreck. It lasted about a month, and then all the sudden he snapped out of it. She never got an explanation.
It kinda sucks to re-realize my parents' marriage was crap.
No wonder she eventually got around to saying, "It's over."
Crystal Shawanda
What Do I Have To Do
There's passion, feeling, truth.
It makes me pensive, though.
It reminds me of my parents.
Not of anything I remember from their relationship, just of the stories I heard.
Around their first anniversary (I think that's what she said), my Dad just stopped talking to my Mom. Not as in he only spoke about surface matters and wouldn't go deep - he wouldn't say anything to her. Not a word. Not even a greeting when he came home from work. And she begged and pleaded with him to tell her what was wrong, to tell her if she had done something, to tell her how she could make it better. Nothing. She was becoming a wreck. It lasted about a month, and then all the sudden he snapped out of it. She never got an explanation.
How hard is it just to have a simple conversation?
To tell me all about how your long day at work went?
For me to get through to you, what do I have to do?
It kinda sucks to re-realize my parents' marriage was crap.
No wonder she eventually got around to saying, "It's over."
Credits: YouTube
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Remember This
Hey Michelle,
JEREMY IS ALLERGIC TO TOMATOES!!
So if you invite him over for dinner, you should cook something that does not have tomatoey stuff in it. Else he'll think you hate him.
That's a more difficult allergy that it would seem.
JEREMY IS ALLERGIC TO TOMATOES!!
So if you invite him over for dinner, you should cook something that does not have tomatoey stuff in it. Else he'll think you hate him.
That's a more difficult allergy that it would seem.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
A Franciscan Benediction
May God bless you with discomfort
At easy answers, half-truths, and superficial relationships
So that you may live deep within your heart.
May God bless you with anger
At injustice, oppression, and exploitation of people,
So that you may work for justice, freedom and peace.
May God bless you with tears
To shed for those who suffer pain, rejection, hunger and war,
So that you may reach out your hand to comfort them and
To turn their pain into joy.
And may God bless you with enough foolishness
To believe that you can make a difference in the world,
So that you can do what others claim cannot be done
To bring justice and kindness to all our children and the poor.
Amen
At easy answers, half-truths, and superficial relationships
So that you may live deep within your heart.
May God bless you with anger
At injustice, oppression, and exploitation of people,
So that you may work for justice, freedom and peace.
May God bless you with tears
To shed for those who suffer pain, rejection, hunger and war,
So that you may reach out your hand to comfort them and
To turn their pain into joy.
And may God bless you with enough foolishness
To believe that you can make a difference in the world,
So that you can do what others claim cannot be done
To bring justice and kindness to all our children and the poor.
Amen
In Prayer by Philip Yancey, page 105
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Food Safe
So, um, I'm concerned about the way that I see many people treat raw meat. Like, if you use your hands to put the burgers on the barbecue, you need to wash your hands before you eat your finished burger!! And if you use that fork to put raw chicken in the pan, that fork is done and you need to use a new one to take the cooked chicken out of the pan!! It's cross contamination, man! Cooking kills the germs in the meat but not on the utensils that touched the meat before it was cooked! I thought this was common knowledge, but I guess not? Or maybe it's not quite as big of a deal as I think it is since it isn't continually making people sick?
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Missing
I didn't realize how much I missed Katie until today.
We haven't kept in touch much over the past few months, but another friend mentioned her and asked how she was doing, which inspired me to send her an email. She said she was coming to town this weekend and suggested getting together. Amongst the other busyness we planned to have coffee at the mall this afternoon where she would be shopping with her family.
I called as I approached and she had bad news - the kids were acting up so they were all leaving right away. We could maybe stand in line and get coffee together, but she would have to leave shortly after. It might not even be worth finding a parking spot for? But I said, "if I can get ten minutes with you, I'll take it." There were things I needed to talk over with her. I ended up basically blurting them out since there wasn't time for a meandering conversation, but that was better than nothing. Then I walked with her across the mall to her car, just so we could get a little more time together.
She has the context to understand pretty much anything I need to talk about, and I feel like I can get things sorted out by talking them over with her. Being with her always makes me feel better (or distracts me) when I'm grumpy. She was really important to me this summer, and I didn't realize that hasn't faded. She signed a recent email to me "Love ya" and something in me says "I miss you!!!" with all sincerity.
She'll be back for Christmas. I'm looking forward to it.
We haven't kept in touch much over the past few months, but another friend mentioned her and asked how she was doing, which inspired me to send her an email. She said she was coming to town this weekend and suggested getting together. Amongst the other busyness we planned to have coffee at the mall this afternoon where she would be shopping with her family.
I called as I approached and she had bad news - the kids were acting up so they were all leaving right away. We could maybe stand in line and get coffee together, but she would have to leave shortly after. It might not even be worth finding a parking spot for? But I said, "if I can get ten minutes with you, I'll take it." There were things I needed to talk over with her. I ended up basically blurting them out since there wasn't time for a meandering conversation, but that was better than nothing. Then I walked with her across the mall to her car, just so we could get a little more time together.
She has the context to understand pretty much anything I need to talk about, and I feel like I can get things sorted out by talking them over with her. Being with her always makes me feel better (or distracts me) when I'm grumpy. She was really important to me this summer, and I didn't realize that hasn't faded. She signed a recent email to me "Love ya" and something in me says "I miss you!!!" with all sincerity.
She'll be back for Christmas. I'm looking forward to it.
Donne
No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main. If a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less... Any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind. Therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee.
Friday, November 21, 2008
The Coming
So it turns out Advent started last week.
I'm not good at spiritual habits or discipline these days.
But I'd like to make an effort to observe the season.
It's funny how ideas come to me when at the last minute I wonder whether or not to do anything.
This year, a candle and a song will characterize my Advent devotions:
O come, O come, Emmanuel
And ransom captive Israel,
That mourns in lonely exile here,
Until the Son of God appear.
Rejoice, rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.
O come, O come Thou Rod of Jesse, free
Thine own from Satan's tyranny;
From depths of hell thy people save,
And give them victory over the grave.
Rejoice, rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.
O come, Thou Dayspring, come and cheer
Our spirits by thine advent here;
Disperse the gloomy clouds of night,
And death's dark shadows put to flight.
Rejoice, rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.
O come, Thou Key of David, come
And open wide our heavenly home;
Make safe the way that leads on high,
And close the path to misery.
Rejoice, rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.
O come, Desire of Nations, bind
All people in one heart and mind.
Bid envy, strife and quarrels cease,
Fill all the world with heaven's peace.
Rejoice, rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.
Update: That only lasted about a week before I hit a rebellion phase. I suspected that the candle was releasing soot into the air for me to breathe while I slept, which may not be so healthy. And... it got really hard to say "come." I don't know if I really mean things like "come, welcome, I invite you," these days.
I'm not good at spiritual habits or discipline these days.
But I'd like to make an effort to observe the season.
It's funny how ideas come to me when at the last minute I wonder whether or not to do anything.
This year, a candle and a song will characterize my Advent devotions:
O come, O come, Emmanuel
And ransom captive Israel,
That mourns in lonely exile here,
Until the Son of God appear.
Rejoice, rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.
O come, O come Thou Rod of Jesse, free
Thine own from Satan's tyranny;
From depths of hell thy people save,
And give them victory over the grave.
Rejoice, rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.
O come, Thou Dayspring, come and cheer
Our spirits by thine advent here;
Disperse the gloomy clouds of night,
And death's dark shadows put to flight.
Rejoice, rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.
O come, Thou Key of David, come
And open wide our heavenly home;
Make safe the way that leads on high,
And close the path to misery.
Rejoice, rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.
O come, Desire of Nations, bind
All people in one heart and mind.
Bid envy, strife and quarrels cease,
Fill all the world with heaven's peace.
Rejoice, rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.
Update: That only lasted about a week before I hit a rebellion phase. I suspected that the candle was releasing soot into the air for me to breathe while I slept, which may not be so healthy. And... it got really hard to say "come." I don't know if I really mean things like "come, welcome, I invite you," these days.
Double Feature
Justin and I both had the day off today, so we declared it a FQun Day and went off to the mountains. The excitement of this averted the bad-morning-mood I was expecting, and we had a really good time. We stopped at Tim Horton's to grab breakfast on the way out of town. Then the first thing we did when we got there was ride the gondola up a mountain - something I don't think I had ever done before. It was really neat. At the top we took a walk, which was beautiful but cold. We did not pick a warm day for the mountains - but that kept a lot of other people away which was kind of nice. After stopping for coffee we walked around town a bit, and then went for a late lunch. It was a good day together. I had another engagement tonight, so we came home in the late afternoon. On the drive home during the question game we both basically said that the company was our favorite part.
~~~~~~~~~~
Tonight I attended a school function - a dinner with the major that I had been a part of before I graduated. These events generally make me feel quite unsettled, and tonight was no exception. I usually don't know what it is that makes me feel this way, but I'm going to see what I can do to articulate it this time.
It was strange going as an alumna. I wasn't the only one; there were a few others who are also no longer in school. And I knew everyone but two people there. But I only felt connected to about half the group. It's not what it was back when it was ours. I understand that change is inevitable and important, and the change started even before I left, but I can't help but feel disconnected. And somehow that feels very appropriate.
At the same time that I felt disconnected from the group in general, I acknowledge that some of these people are my closest friends. And some of them I haven't connected with in too long. This entity has been my community - the ones with whom I shared life and growth, and the ones who have had the right to speak into my life. They still have that right, although there are few opportunities now. Jeremy and I had a valuable conversation about some things going on in my life right now. He listened to me, and then expressed some concerns. Later when I left he said he hoped I didn't mind his advice, he hoped it didn't make me upset. On the contrary, I told him that I appreciate it when people care enough about me to tell me what they think I don't want to hear. And these people do care about me. That means that in some sense I am responsible to them, and I cannot simply live recklessly. No man is an island.
We all have way less in common now than we did then. I had nothing to add to their conversation about classes and assignments because I'm not there anymore. It's not only that, though. Even much of what we do still have in common feels like it's waning in my life. And being with them reminds me of all I've lost.
I still owe the prof some research that I don't want to do. I haven't spoken to her since graduation last year, and I've kinda been avoiding her because I don't want her to ask about it. I was afraid to go tonight for that reason, and I was relieved that she didn't bring it up. Maybe she's forgotten? But at the same time that I feel like I can't do it, I feel like not completing what I owe her is a problem with my character.
Maybe I'm just tired. The context and conversations inspired some doubts about where my life is going. The interjection into this community felt awkward. I felt great before I went and I feel so unsettled at the end.
~~~~~~~~~~
Tonight I attended a school function - a dinner with the major that I had been a part of before I graduated. These events generally make me feel quite unsettled, and tonight was no exception. I usually don't know what it is that makes me feel this way, but I'm going to see what I can do to articulate it this time.
It was strange going as an alumna. I wasn't the only one; there were a few others who are also no longer in school. And I knew everyone but two people there. But I only felt connected to about half the group. It's not what it was back when it was ours. I understand that change is inevitable and important, and the change started even before I left, but I can't help but feel disconnected. And somehow that feels very appropriate.
At the same time that I felt disconnected from the group in general, I acknowledge that some of these people are my closest friends. And some of them I haven't connected with in too long. This entity has been my community - the ones with whom I shared life and growth, and the ones who have had the right to speak into my life. They still have that right, although there are few opportunities now. Jeremy and I had a valuable conversation about some things going on in my life right now. He listened to me, and then expressed some concerns. Later when I left he said he hoped I didn't mind his advice, he hoped it didn't make me upset. On the contrary, I told him that I appreciate it when people care enough about me to tell me what they think I don't want to hear. And these people do care about me. That means that in some sense I am responsible to them, and I cannot simply live recklessly. No man is an island.
We all have way less in common now than we did then. I had nothing to add to their conversation about classes and assignments because I'm not there anymore. It's not only that, though. Even much of what we do still have in common feels like it's waning in my life. And being with them reminds me of all I've lost.
I still owe the prof some research that I don't want to do. I haven't spoken to her since graduation last year, and I've kinda been avoiding her because I don't want her to ask about it. I was afraid to go tonight for that reason, and I was relieved that she didn't bring it up. Maybe she's forgotten? But at the same time that I feel like I can't do it, I feel like not completing what I owe her is a problem with my character.
Maybe I'm just tired. The context and conversations inspired some doubts about where my life is going. The interjection into this community felt awkward. I felt great before I went and I feel so unsettled at the end.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Inevitable
...on
......a
.......bit of a downswing.
I had a really nice vacation from my problems. I credit the fun of getting into a new relationship. But all vacations have to end sometime and we have to go home.
Being with Justin is still making me happy. But that happiness isn't strong enough to pervade the rest of my life any longer like it had been doing. I've felt great for the last few weeks, but I knew that wouldn't last forever. And here it is, the downswing.
Mornings are worst. I just want to keep sleeping. Then I sit down to put on my shoes before I leave the house and I don't want to get up - I just want to keep sitting there. I seriously need to stop being late for work. And I just feel grumpy and so very tired until my shift winds down. I don't know if people are suddenly really hostile or if I am just hypersensitive, but I've had a lot of conflict-ful encounters with customers in the last few days. Plus I start to assume the worst about what people think of me. When I tell Anson it's breaktime and he says he's going to wait, I believe that's because he doesn't want to spend his break with me instead of thinking that he wants to clean up his board before he passes it off to someone else. Things perk up somewhat by the time evening comes around and I get done work, though, thankfully.
I don't really know how to do a relationship from this place. I feel like I'm not fun and I don't have much to say, and it's hard to explain why. I warned Justin about the inevitability of a downswing a few days ago, and then I brought it up again today. He doesn't really understand, but he tries. I'm not really sure what I expect from him or from myself here. So this is the next relationship issue I'm facing. I'm curious about how it will turn out. Being able to be in a relationship even when I am not okay is an important skill I need to learn.
......a
.......bit of a downswing.
I had a really nice vacation from my problems. I credit the fun of getting into a new relationship. But all vacations have to end sometime and we have to go home.
Being with Justin is still making me happy. But that happiness isn't strong enough to pervade the rest of my life any longer like it had been doing. I've felt great for the last few weeks, but I knew that wouldn't last forever. And here it is, the downswing.
Mornings are worst. I just want to keep sleeping. Then I sit down to put on my shoes before I leave the house and I don't want to get up - I just want to keep sitting there. I seriously need to stop being late for work. And I just feel grumpy and so very tired until my shift winds down. I don't know if people are suddenly really hostile or if I am just hypersensitive, but I've had a lot of conflict-ful encounters with customers in the last few days. Plus I start to assume the worst about what people think of me. When I tell Anson it's breaktime and he says he's going to wait, I believe that's because he doesn't want to spend his break with me instead of thinking that he wants to clean up his board before he passes it off to someone else. Things perk up somewhat by the time evening comes around and I get done work, though, thankfully.
I don't really know how to do a relationship from this place. I feel like I'm not fun and I don't have much to say, and it's hard to explain why. I warned Justin about the inevitability of a downswing a few days ago, and then I brought it up again today. He doesn't really understand, but he tries. I'm not really sure what I expect from him or from myself here. So this is the next relationship issue I'm facing. I'm curious about how it will turn out. Being able to be in a relationship even when I am not okay is an important skill I need to learn.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Meaningful
Tonight a friend asked me, "How does your depression affect your new relationship?" And I love it that she brought this up, that she wasn't afraid to ask. I love it when discussing depression doesn't feel taboo and when people are actually comfortable with it.
^^^^
A month-ish ago another friend revealed to me that she has started taking antidepressants because she's having a hard time with happiness. She asked me about my experiences and shared how the journey has been for her, and I felt so honored that she was comfortable sharing this with me. Conversations like this that cut through the pretense seem intensely important to me.
^^^^
A month-ish ago another friend revealed to me that she has started taking antidepressants because she's having a hard time with happiness. She asked me about my experiences and shared how the journey has been for her, and I felt so honored that she was comfortable sharing this with me. Conversations like this that cut through the pretense seem intensely important to me.
Monday, November 17, 2008
Quote
"I feel ashamed now that I tried to take my life. It is such a precious thing. I had no one to talk me out of my despair, and that was a mistake. You need to keep people close. You need to give them access to your heart."
- For One More Day, Mitch Albom, 193-194
- For One More Day, Mitch Albom, 193-194
Trust
"What does trust mean to you," he asked.
...believing that people will do what they say they will...
...believing that people care and are interested...
...believing that when I share myself, I won't be rejected...
...believing that people will not harm me.
...believing that people will do what they say they will...
...believing that people care and are interested...
...believing that when I share myself, I won't be rejected...
...believing that people will not harm me.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Attention
I was at the mall, walking into a clothing store, when I heard a voice behind me.
//Excuse me?//
I wasn't sure that I was the one being addressed, but I turned around anyways to see a shaggy blond guy with an air of vulnerability.
//Can I ask you a question?//
\\Sure!\\
//Um, would you go out with me sometime?//
There were lots of reasons to say no. I picked, \\Oh, I don't live around here.\\
//Oh. That's too bad. You're really beautiful... Well, it was nice to meet you.// And he shook my hand.
I grinned - this kind of thing doesn't happen to me!
I hadn't even gotten over no-makeup week!
I enjoyed the attention.
//Excuse me?//
I wasn't sure that I was the one being addressed, but I turned around anyways to see a shaggy blond guy with an air of vulnerability.
//Can I ask you a question?//
\\Sure!\\
//Um, would you go out with me sometime?//
There were lots of reasons to say no. I picked, \\Oh, I don't live around here.\\
//Oh. That's too bad. You're really beautiful... Well, it was nice to meet you.// And he shook my hand.
I grinned - this kind of thing doesn't happen to me!
I hadn't even gotten over no-makeup week!
I enjoyed the attention.
Friday, November 14, 2008
Visit
I came home for the "weekend" to see Mom and a friend. It was my friend's birthday and I never did make it to the post office to mail her a gift, and it has been too long since I've seen her anyways, so I figured it was time for a visit.
My friend and I hung out today. I went over to her place and made sure her baby didn't fall off the counter while she worked on a craft project with another friend, and then when the other person left we just chatted and caught up on each other's lives. Oh yeah, and I learned that I'm not the queen of changing diapers. It turned out alright, but I'm definitely not pro. Which is fine right now.
My time with my Mom is a little scattered. She had a conference last night, so I saw her for a bit after that when I got here. Then today she had the conference all day and a Christmas party tonight. So I saw her for a bit between the two events, and we'll see if I stay up until she gets home. Tomorrow we'll go out for brunch together before I head home and before she heads to yet another Christmas party.
Home. I use that word to mean both here and there. Mom used it (referring to me) to mean here, but then corrected herself. And really, this doesn't feel much like home. Too much has changed, and I have built my own life.
I have been so so very tired today. I'm trying to figure out why I'm always so tired when I'm here...
- the drive makes me tired
- I guess I don't sleep well in an unfamiliar bed?
- being allergic to the cat certainly doesn't help
- there's a lot of social effort involved in trying to be interesting and happy with people for long periods of time, and that wears me out
My friend and I hung out today. I went over to her place and made sure her baby didn't fall off the counter while she worked on a craft project with another friend, and then when the other person left we just chatted and caught up on each other's lives. Oh yeah, and I learned that I'm not the queen of changing diapers. It turned out alright, but I'm definitely not pro. Which is fine right now.
My time with my Mom is a little scattered. She had a conference last night, so I saw her for a bit after that when I got here. Then today she had the conference all day and a Christmas party tonight. So I saw her for a bit between the two events, and we'll see if I stay up until she gets home. Tomorrow we'll go out for brunch together before I head home and before she heads to yet another Christmas party.
Home. I use that word to mean both here and there. Mom used it (referring to me) to mean here, but then corrected herself. And really, this doesn't feel much like home. Too much has changed, and I have built my own life.
I have been so so very tired today. I'm trying to figure out why I'm always so tired when I'm here...
- the drive makes me tired
- I guess I don't sleep well in an unfamiliar bed?
- being allergic to the cat certainly doesn't help
- there's a lot of social effort involved in trying to be interesting and happy with people for long periods of time, and that wears me out
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