Work News

This was an insane day at work. In half an hour, our door count was 490. My manager guessed that we were probably over our store's maximum capacity. We had all 18 tills open most of the day.

I was a little insulated from all the craziness because I was doing the audit. But I had a little craziness of my own in the form of a special project that made me neglect my audit, so it just piled up. It took me an hour and a half after the store closed to catch up.

It was Nadia's last day today, and midway through the day one of our managers asked me if we planned anything for her, and (when I said we hadn't) he asked if I would be willing to pull something together. This meant finding a card, getting everyone to sign that card, collecting money, deciding what to do with that money, pulling pies, setting things up, and being there for a little Nadia party in the office - all in three hours while doing the audit. I didn't really want to do it, but I couldn't say no because it was for Nadia. It turned out well though. She was surprised and happy and sad. I will miss her.

Nadia wrote me a nice card, which was really sweet of her. She said sweet things and used inside jokes that touched my heart.

Michelle Tanner,
I honestly don't know how I would have survived my work experience without you. You always made everything so much brighter and I hope you know how much I appreciate your friendship. I'm really sad to be saying goodbye to so many great people, and it's definitely going to be hardest to say goodbye to you!
So let's not. Let's still hang out and talk and be really good friends and bake Christmas cookies. Ok?
I don't want to lose your friendship because of my employment status because you're very near and dear to my heart.
Don't be sad. I'm sad enough for the both of us.
And I'll always be around if you need me!
Love, love, love,
Nadia Fasquiggle
(I tried to make it squiggly, but it didn't work, so it just looks messy. Sand times.)

Next week I start crosstraining in the Vault. This has been my goal for five years, and now that I finally get the chance to do it, I'm not so sure it's what I want. True, it'll be cool to learn something new and to be trusted with lots of money and responsibility. And I won't have to deal with customers (except on the phone, boo). But I think I'll miss my coworkers! I really look forward to working with (some of) them everyday, but now I'll work all alone. Plus, I'm not sure when I'll return. It's not a permanent position - I'm just getting trained - but they're going to be really short staffed in there so they might keep me. My manager indicated that it might be a while, and I saw an email saying I am "crosstraining in the vault until... ?" That sounds pretty indefinite.

Maybe the space from work friends will be okay for me. Many have left already anyways (Katie and Nadia in particular). The space will hopefully give me some perspective, and help me reassess all my friendships. Plus, not seeing each other so much at work might motivate us to build a friendship outside of work, help us become real friends beyond just work friends. I'm just afraid Justin will quit while I'm gone, everyone will forget about me, and I will end up with no friends left at work. But that sounds like ungrounded pessimism (except the part about Justin possibly quitting).

A compliment: Anson was sad when I reminded him that I'm going to the vault. I pointed out that this means he'll probably get more supervisor shifts, and he said that he'd rather have me around than get the extra money. Aw!

Burgundy is for Breaking Up

I found myself wearing break-up clothes today. My brown hoody, a mens small that is huge on me, which I bought after I broke up with my last boyfriend because I wanted to have a guy's sweater to wear without having to have a guy. Dark jeans and a burgundy t-shirt, just like what I wore the day after my second last boyfriend broke up with me and it rained. Although these are different jeans and a different t-shirt (because that was six years ago), and although I really like the combination and burgundy is a great color, I associated it with breaking up when I put it on today. And the strange part is that I thought about that.

Who am I breaking up with now? God?

Maybe it's okay? Maybe the breaking is breaking into a new phase of my relationship with God? Maybe it's growth? The chick can't hatch unless the egg shell breaks.
I hope that's the right interpretation. I feel like I can never be sure.

I saw this card in a store and bought it for myself:

Past and Plans

I noticed yesterday that I am really really uncomfortable with past phases of my life. Most recently, I am really uncomfortable with my school. I had noticed this a little when I saw acquaintances connected with the school, and I felt it quite acutely when I visited its website.
This explains some things. Why I (almost) never go back to places I've worked. Why I feel so avoidant of old friends.
Why am I uncomfortable? I feel socially awkward. "I don't belong here anymore." And the hurts and disappointments from that time rise to the surface and overpower the pleasant memories. Also, I change, and the current me is different and not necessarily better than the person I was then, and I am uncomfortable with that.

I didn't expect this. I know that I am uncomfortable with many phases of my past, but I didn't realize it happens this quickly, this regularly. I planned to remain involved in my school this year, although I graduated. I planned to help out with Greek and to audit a course on the Theology of Marriage. I was excited about these things. Then I heard the Theology course was cancelled and I was disappointed, but now I am surprised and discomforted to discover it's still on. And to realize that school starts next week and I haven't contacted the Greek prof to discuss how I could be involved in that. (And I haven't touched my Greek at all this summer.) I haven't talked to work about whether I can have Monday, Wednesday and Friday mornings off, and my schedule is really inflexible (and includes straight mornings) for the next couple weeks. I don't want to go have all the conversations necessary to make these things happen, nor do I have time, and I'd miss the first few weeks of everything anyways. It would be easier to just not do it. Plus, I still owe a research project to another prof, and not only have I not finished it but I do not want to do it. However, I feel like I can't do anything else pertaining to school while that is on my plate. I don't know what to do. Avoid them all forever?

I've noticed that I rarely follow through on plans for big things that I intend to do. I'm not proud of the list that has accumulated over the last few years: an Adolescent Spirituality summer class at U of T, a Church Fathers summer class at Regent, Quebec this spring and summer and fall. Now involvement in Greek and a Marriage class. The plans are easy enough to make, but when it comes to executing them it seems much too hard and I decide I'd rather give up. Hopefully this pattern doesn't extend to a trip east I'm planning to visit a friend next month. I'd better buy those plane tickets soon, and thus commit myself.

Friendship Woes

I'm planning to visit a friend in Ontario in October. But... I'm not sure that I have any friends left who are close enough that I could impose on upon them to drive me to the airport. That makes me sad.

I find myself suspicious of my school friendships. I feel hurt by the distance that's grown between us over the summer, the result of not seeing each other much, them not being free when I hoped we could hang out, and my guardedness when we have been together.

Instead I've focused on work friendships. But these are new friendships, in early stages of development. And they're all leaving. It feels futile.

Lonely.

Guess what Perry! You're one of the only ones I trust to be my friend right now.

Retreat

So... I'm thinking of making my blog private. Changing the address so no one can find it. It'd be easy. Probably wouldn't last forever, just for a while. See, I don't want to worry people, but I do want to be honest. And honestly, I don't feel safe with my friends right now.

But I guess I should think about this for a few days before I do it. It's a bit of a big step, and maybe I'll soon change my mind.

Punk Rock

I'm listening.

Double Feature

#1 Dinner and Cirque du Soliel with Patrick.
This was great. Good conversation and a great show. He is very respectful, very much a gentleman. At the end of the night he voiced hopes to hang out more (and I know he's not trying to get a relationship out of this). I'd be open to hanging out more (although I wish Katie wasn't leaving so she could be there too). It's nice to have a generous, interesting friend.

Maybe I should have gone home at that point.

#2 Goodbye-ish Drinking Party.
I knew that Katie and Nadia were going out drinking (an uncommon thing for them) as a sort of a goodbye party, and that we were invited. I checked their message on the way home from Patrick's, and I decided to go although it was getting late because they are important to me and they were nearby. I met them and three other guys at the pub, and when that closed down we went to Brandon's house.

I felt lonely in the middle of a crowd. Different. Dull and not fun. Sad. I wasn't drinking, and I was overdressed.

They rejoiced about leaving, which made me sad because I'm staying and losing my best friends at work. They promised we'll stay friends and continue hanging out, but I feel doubtful... I'm sad that they're leaving, and it hurts that they're happy to leave.

Justin said he hates his life. He lives with his parents, hates his job, and has no money. And I feel sad for him. I want to do something, I want to fix it, but I can't. I'm not much more satisfied than he is. I don't even know how to talk about it more with him. And it hurts a bit that he hates the thing we have in common - our workplace.

I don't know if I trust them to care about me when I'm not okay. I don't know if I've earned their friendship enough yet to reveal my cracks - if I've earned enough faithfulness to allow myself to be a little high maintenance. Will authenticity just scare them away? Why can't I trust that they care?
There are some people at work that I do trust to care. And more people probably care more than I think they do. But I remember experiences from the past when I hoped people cared more than they seemed to in the end. I guess that makes me wary.

When I mentioned not being okay tonight, Justin put his arm around me and we sat like that for a while. That was nice. I needed attention and touch.

Maybe the answer is drinking. When you're drinking you can flirt, cuddle, and get all the attention you want, and everyone blames the alcohol and thinks nothing of it the next day. I feel like being sober separated me from them in more ways than one. But... I don't want to be insincere to them, and I don't want my actions to betray my general intentions. I feel like this was a whole different culture, where closeness and intimacy are completely acceptable, and I don't understand how to function there.

It felt like my soul was empty. Silently I said, "I want you, Jesus." Alas.

I don't think I want to do this anymore...

======
Tomorrow, can you give me joy and a reason to like life?

Weekend

Oh so tired. Here's a little recap of the weekend:

~ I got three hours of sleep last night. That's because I had to work at 6:00 this morning, and I wasn't smart/disciplined enough to get to bed until two in the morning. So now I've been up for nineteen hours.

~ This weekend was inventory - and I didn't have to work it! I had a day shift. I was done right about the time everyone started counting, and as I saw a friend on the way out he said to me, "I'm jealous" - and I said the same thing to him. I like inventory - it's completely different than the tasks we do the rest of the time, and it's a chance to see friends from other departments that I rarely get a chance to see. I felt lonely and sad as I left. But then Katie and I went for dinner, and that cheered me up. (She always makes me feel better... but what will I do when she's gone?) And this morning I did post-audit (researching the variances between what we counted and what we should have), so I didn't miss out on inventory all together.

~ This afternoon after we got off work, Katie and I went to Patrick's place and hung out with him for a bit, enjoying his hot tub. We were going to go floating down the river together today, but it wasn't as nice as we hoped, we were so tired, and we didn't really have enough time, so we modified the plans. It was really nice to sit and relax and enjoy some good conversation. On Tues, Patrick and I are going to Cirque du Soliel together.

~ Then tonight I hosted an Ice Cream Farewell Party for three of my parting coworkers: Trevor, Jane and Brydon. Originally it was supposed to be a Bowling Party I was helping Nathan plan, but then he had to work extra late so I was left to do it by myself. And that was no good - I cannot plan a bowling party. I didn't know what to do and it was really stressing me out. Finally I decided to make it an ice cream party and have people over - I can do that. But I left the inviting to the last minute and I wasn't sure how it would turn out and whether anyone would come... I couldn't wait to get it over with. It turned out alright though. We had ten people here (including me and the three leave-ers), and I must admit it was a bit of a strange assortment who came (Katie, Justin, Jen A, Iain, Jerr and Josh). Still, I think the people the party was for liked it enough, and I am satisfied.

Rain

I never liked the rain until I walked through it with you.
That was the first line in a song on the radio on my way home in the rain today. I liked it.

It reminded me of the beginning of Blue Like Jazz: "I never liked jazz music because jazz music doesn't resolve. But I was outside the Bagdad Theater in Portland one night when I saw a man playing the saxophone. I stood there for fifteen minutes, and he never opened his eyes. After that I liked jazz music. Sometimes you have to watch somebody love something before you can love it yourself. It is as if they are showing you the way."

And sometimes you need to share an experience with someone before you can love it. Maybe the substance of life is the relationships that give meaning to the experiences. And maybe our company reeems the situations that would otherwise be less than ideal.

I never liked the rain until I walked through it with you.

Jesus, be near. Help me to see that you walk in the rain with me, that I might like the rain because of your presence.

Credits: Clint Black, "Like the Rain"; Donald Miller, "Blue Like Jazz," ix

Plenty of Notice

I got this email from my Grandma tonight:

Hi Dave and Michelle;
I was just thinking about Christmas. We would love it if both of you could spend it with us this year. I know you have been with your Mom's family and it has been a tradition for you. Some times it is hard to change. I am sure your Dad will be here, haven't talked to him about it yet. Anyway if you could come we would love to have you.
Love ya Oma

Like she said, usually my brother and I spend Christmas Day with my Mom's family, and then I go and visit my Dad's family (this Grandma) a few days later. Last Christmas she made the same request - that we would spend Christmas with them and my Dad (but she waited until closer to Christmas to ask), and I tried to make everyone happy by planning to spend Christmas Eve there and then driving four hours to be with Mom's family on Christmas Day - but at the last minute my Dad wasn't going to be there when I was, so I gave up on that branch of the plan altogether and it was such a relief to me. This year Oma is giving us so much notice that it will be hard to turn her down. It's probably not easy for her to ask us to come. She sounds all nice, but I hear obligation there in her request. I should probably say yes to her.

Thing is, for me, Christmas is with my Mom and her family. That's where our traditions are, and Christmas with Dad's family is boring. But I guess that's what I'll be doing anyways. Now I have four months to look forward to a crappy Christmas.

Oma also mentioned that my cousin will be there. She meant it as incentive for me to come, but I haven't talked to my cousin in years although we were once really close, and so I feel really awkward about it. More to dread?

Vocational Consideration

My Mom got a new job recently. Her occupation is still the same, but the setting where she carries it out is now different. I was a little nervous for her - she's getting into this new venture at an early stage and to me there seemed to be a lot of unknowns. But two weeks in, she is raving about it. "I can't believe how well they treat us!" she says. They provide her with everything she needs to do her job, they give her ample time for learning and training, they forbid her from taking work home with her because her personal time is her own, they provide healthy snacks in an effort to promote a healthy lifestyle. "We want you to like your job," they tell her.

It hit home for me when as an example she told me that "they even provide pens and hilighters! I don't have to go out and buy them anymore!" and I thought, "hey, that's what I just did - went out and bought pens, pencils and hilighters for work!" And at the time I liked having a reason to continue buying school supplies, but now it has it made me think.

The ethos behind my company is more like my Mom's old job than her new one. We put so much priority on being productive and getting the job done that we sacrifice morale. Making people feel appreciated isn't near the top of the priority list. If someone doesn't want to do something, we say "that's too bad, it's their job," instead of trying to be considerate so that they will like their job. And it seems like a change of attitude would require more than we have to spare.

I'm not really sure how much should be given to us. I have noticed in myself that free handouts, like when they share cakes from the bakery, makes me feel greedy and entitled instead of grateful. It too often feels too impersonal when there's no one to thank.

I notice this lack of good treatment on both ends - as well as being an employee, I'm also a relief supervisor. I notice not only how I am treated but also how I treat others. As much as I can I am trying to say not just "I want you to do your job," but "I want you to like your job." I hope that comes through in tone of voice, in considering their desires, in caring about their lives, in sharing my baking. I want us to like our jobs.

A Goodbye

Today was Felix's second last day at work, and my last day working with him because I'm off tomorrow. I like Felix. He's so hardworking and so respectful. As he ended his shift (after sweeping) I told him what I would have written in the goodbye card I never got around to writing. Things like I liked having him around and I'm going to miss him and I wish him well. And his eyes welled up with tears. Aw!
It's nice to know we mean something.

Okay

I had a good day today! And that was so nice!

My weekday shifts tend to be later than weekend ones, so I was able to sleep in this morning and I didn't have to rush out of the house to get to work. I had time to eat cereal for breakfast instead of grabbing a granola bar in the car on the way to work. The last few days the nausea has been getting me on the way to work (and lasting most of the day in a strange hungry/full feeling), but today I felt fine. I found an old tape in the glove box that I popped in, but it didn't work, and I didn't like whatever was on the country station, so I switched over to the Christian station. This song came on, and at first I thought it sounded like September but I was sure it couldn't be - but it was! And that was so much fun to hear because I really enjoy this song.

They changed the words a bunch in this cover, so my efforts to sing along were hampered but I did it anyway. Then at the end the announcer said the song was going out to "Michelle here in the office" - and although I wasn't in the office, I am Michelle so it felt like something personal. The message of this version of the song seemed applicable to me too. The season it won't last always. Maybe it is just a season - both my recent crisis and my general condition. That gave me hope.

It didn't really feel okay to feel okay when nothing had changed or improved. But today after some of the emotion of my "fight with God" had subsided, I found myself able to say "I want to stay." And then hearing September on the radio was like a smile from God. And so things are okay again, and it is appropriate to feel good. (And I think God speaks to me through the radio.)

Not that all is well. Sometimes breaking up happens in stages; this could be similar. But I am trying to see that that is not inevitable. And for now I am okay, or at least much better than I was on the weekend.

Credits: YouTube; Kirk Franklin

update

how am i? the answer to that question is multifaceted.

i guess i'm doing better. better not in the sense of fine, but meaning that i don't feel quite as awful as i did the other day. it's the tendency of the body and the mind to return to homeostasis - even if things don't improve we learn to cope with them, we learn to live in spite of them. yesterday i thought that maybe i was even okay enough to use capital letters again. (but today wasn't so good, so we remain in the lower case.)

i feel worse in the morning (haha and for me morning lasts until like three o'clock). yesterday morning i saw patrick (a rare occurrence) as he left work, and he invited me to his party last night. i told him i'd make an appearance, but i said i didn't trust myself to be good company. shortly after that nathan asked me if i was coming. i told him that yeah, i'd probably be there, but i was having a bad week and so i might show up wearing a low cut shirt, looking for attention and being all needy, and finishing the night crying in a corner. these were my predictions based on how i felt in the morning - but by the end of the day i actually felt okay. katie and i went to patrick's party and we had a really good, non-crazy time. i didn't need to act out.

today i was on buggies all day. the morning wasn't good, and things perked up a little around lunch, but not until i'd been home and distracted by the dvd player for a while did i really feel okay-ish. and actually i cried at work this afternoon. i came inside hoping to switch up with someone, and nathan said "oh, have you been out there all alone? i'm sorry!" and the crying suddenly found me and i said "i'm going to run to the washroom." and then he sent me back outside as soon as i reemerged - but with a partner this time. and i was just not okay.

one thing that makes this all the more tricky is that so few people understand. i feel like i should be able to say "i feel miserable because..." but among my coworkers (the people i seem to spend the most time with), "i had a fight with god" gets me funny looks instead of support. and of those i am becoming real friends with, i don't really think we are at the point yet where i can be crazy/not okay. like, i'm not sure i want to say "i'm depressed." and so i say "i had a bad week," and push them away while i wonder if they really care.

another tricky factor is the vague nature of religious experience. it's not empirical, and so it's hard to know what's actually happening. just because i felt the threat of having to say goodbye to god doesn't mean it's true. anything chemical or psychological or emotional could have stimulated that reaction - maybe it wasn't god. but how do i ever know what it was, and how do i live in response? i feel discouraged about the limitations of my certainty, and i feel obligated to live according to my best interpretation of my experiences even if that is not the only or happiest option.

aftermath

last night was so no good. today bore yesterday's scars. i didn't want to get up. i didn't want to go to work. it felt like it took a lot of effort to make left turns while driving. then i started my work day by complying with the stretching program that they're implementing, and when a maintenance guy came along and made a jestful comment i gave up and almost cried. tears were near all day long. i tasted the despair in my stomach and felt like throwing up half the day. being friendly made me dizzy.

today also brought its own scars, to add to those from yesterday. justin was on amex, and he was specifically instructed by a manager that he was not allowed to talk to me. i guess she thinks we talk too much and that detracts from our jobs. this was a real blow to me because i felt like they were saying i'm not allowed to have friends, and that's already a sore spot for me.

there aren't any nerves in the soul, so we don't always know what's going on there. every so often we get a glimpse, but for the most part it's a mystery. i have thought that perhaps my soul is happy and with god and it's just not telling me. but after last night, after finding myself suddenly saying "i don't want to say goodbye" to god, i suspect otherwise. that's sad.

"i don't want to say goodbye." that was a reaction against feeling like i had to say goodbye. that's why this is a big deal. it's like breaking up - slowly. and even if each new fight doesn't end it, even if you're still saying "i don't want that to happen," it still brings you closer to the end. will there be any other alternative here, or is it doomed?

what is truth, and what is just my perception? truth seems elusive, and so how can i not live based on what my experience seems to be?

midday i asked katie, "what are you doing after work?" she wasn't sure, but then she waited around and called me when i got off. we went for a walk, and then we sat and talked, and then we went to the pub with her boyfriend's family. it was nice to have a friend. it was nice to be able to share where i'm at. it was nice to have a distraction. i generally feel good after we hang out. i'm not sure what that means. but i'm grateful.

"pray for me." but to ask that is to believe that the one who hears prayers is friendly to my cause...
i think i need to ask it anyways.

hey, when you're done with all the busyness, can i ask you to pray for me? i'm not okay. me and God are not okay. thanks.