"With You"

This song came on the radio as I was driving to work today.
I didn't really listen to the first half of it. I was busy thinking, "didn't they just play Third Day?"
I tuned in around the chorus. Just to be with you, I'd do anything. "Ah," I though, "another 'I love Jesus my boyfriend' song. 'I'd do anything to be with Jesus...'" (I've become critical... and I'm sorry.)
Then the second verse started. Our grandiose exclamations of love are silly. But then -- I never swam the deepest ocean, but I walked upon the raging sea.
It's not "I want to be with you, Jesus," it's "I want to be with you, Michelle." Just to be with you I'd do anything. Just to be with you I gave everything.
And I just started to cry.

I believe in God the Father Almighty,
maker of heaven and earth,
and in Jesus Christ, his only Son, our Lord,
who was conceived by the Holy Spirit,
was born of the Virgin Mary,
(walked upon the water to his disciples),
suffered under Pontius Pilate,
was crucified, died and was buried.
He descended into hell.
On the third day he rose again from the dead.
He ascended into heaven,
where he sits at the right hand of God the Father Almighty
and from whence he will come to judge the quick and the dead.
I believe in the Holy Spirit,
the holy catholic church,
the communion of saints,
the forgiveness of sins,
the resurrection of the body
and the life everlasting.

Nostalgia

I shopped at my favorite grocery store yesterday. I like it because when you walk in it kinda feels like an open air market, and it's open late. It used to be so close to my house; now the nearest one is an hour and a half away from me. Revisiting this grocery store reminded me of the time of my life when I shopped there regularly. It was brand new back then. I once stopped in there after work to buy polysporin. Another time I found bulk cherry pie filling there and I made Megan a pie. I bought watermelon there to bring to Inid's potluck wedding. They used to have an easy "donate money to the food bank" option. The warehouse-pack aisle feels especially like home to me. Memories. The past is always a little bittersweet.

Today we went to the store where I used to work. That was really strange. Lots of things are just a little bit different than the one I'm at now, and it just felt really foreign to me (even though I spent more time working there than I have where I am now). Plus, around every corner I kept expecting to see the people I currently work with. The experience showed me that the store I'm at now has become home to me.

Singleness?

Today is my two year single-versary. My last relationship ended two years ago. It ended badly so I learned to associate relationships with nausea and I've loved singleness. But I think I'm beginning to move on.

This has been a recent development. You see, Katie got a boyfriend and now I think I might want one too.

The other day he was visiting her at work and bringing her lunch, and I saw them and something in me said, "I want that." But, I'm not sure exactly what it is that I think I want. The attention? Maybe - I do like attention. But I don't know if I actually want that much attention from someone. There are other aspects of Katie's new relationship that I don't know that I really want either - for instance, she has hardly been home since she started dating him. I know I value my space so that would drive me crazy. I think I see that Katie is happy, and maybe that is what I am drawn to. "I want to be happy."

The thing is, I'm getting tired of being alone and I'm not okay when I'm alone too much. And it is so much work for me to make social plans. Once upon a time I was mentioning this to Justin at work and he suggested that if I had a boyfriend, that would help solve my problem of spending too much time at home alone. I think he's right.

But... I'm not sure that anyone I know would be good for me or would have me.

The more I define myself, the more I define the kind of person that I would match well with. For instance, I have a college degree now. That shows that academics and intelligence are important to me, and (for instance) a high school drop-out is not my best choice. I may consider pursuing a master's, and I would want someone who would fully support me if I made that decision (if they were still around). But I might not do that, and my lack of drivenness needs to be okay too.

My spiritual life is in a tricky place and I would be hard pressed to find someone who would understand. I'm a Christian who doesn't say she loves God, doesn't go to church, and is just trying to hang on through the doubts. I'd need someone who is some degree of Christian, who's not fanatical, and who doesn't judge me for where I am. Moreover, I feel like the spiritual disposition of the person I intend a future with affects the trajectory of my own.

My emotional stability isn't stellar, and I've never known how to bring that into a relationship in an honest and healthy way. Even though some people seem to do it, I've also heard that healthy relationships are made out of healthy people and that's been my experience (even though I tried to deny it). I don't know how to let someone be there when I'm not okay. I don't know what kind of response I want from them. Of course sympathetic support sounds great, but sometimes that makes me feel smothered and held down at the same time that I feel pressured by them to be okay. Also, I don't know how to not carry someone else's baggage, so when they aren't well that sends me on a downspin.

So since I know I'm crazy, I can't highly recommend myself as a girlfriend. Therefore I don't feel like dating me would be a good thing for the guys I care about, since I wouldn't want to hurt them. That only leaves me with guys I don't care so much about...

So, now that I've exchanged the school setting for the work setting, I'm no longer in a world where we all say that saving sex for marriage is the ideal. I think the world that I live in now considers sex a right of dating. If I become someone's girlfriend, they are probably going to think that that means they get physical privileges - especially if I am avoiding fanatical Christians...

Katie's boyfriend has a roommate. We all hung out together once, and that could happen again. He's the one who danced with me a lot at the Christmas party. He's a little slimy, but he's got a great smile. And he surprised me by dating someone else who has similar values to me. Maybe he's not who I expect him to be.

A sort of Christian who would probably be willing to wait for sex, who understood my issues through some of his own and was supportive without being burdening, who told me he cared, and who (they say) loved me. Shane, I miss you. And I wonder...

Celebrations

Sometimes it doesn't all go wrong, and I find things to celebrate!
- On Tues Jody bandaged up my cut finger, Jeff cared that I was having a bad day and offered me a hug, and they pulled Anson to help me.
- My finger is healing pretty well. The cheese slicer is going in the garbage.
- I have some pretty superb bandaids.
- My finger is a good enough excuse not to do the dishes today.
- I mowed Mom's lawn yesterday and I feel good about that.
- I got to see a friend today and play with her baby. She sacrificed to see me, and I appreciate that.
- My landlords are offering to renew my lease.
- I wrote an email I've been meaning to write for a while.
- I made banana cake in time to take it to share at work for Kurt's birthday.

Success is still in the future for...
a calling Telus
a calling Visa
a cleaning my house
a unpacking my car

Tired

I am so tired. And it's not just that I'm not getting enough sleep or that I'm extra busy. I don't know what it is. Or maybe I do. It's really really hard to get up in the "morning," and then all day long my head feels foggy and I feel like I would like nothing more than to go back to sleep. (But then I finally feel better in the evening when I am home, so I don't end up getting to bed early.) Being tired makes me grumpy though, and I've been in a bad mood for no good reason a lot at work lately. Little things have been making me mad. I often find work a nice distraction, but lately it's taken like four hours for that to kick in.

I am considering going on antidepressants again. Not that they worked all that well the first time (about four years ago), but I figure that life should probably be enjoyed and not just endured... But really, even if I decide that this would be a good thing to do, it's unlikely that I will actually make it happen because medication requires doctors, and there isn't much that's worth the hassle of doctors when your only option is a walk-in clinic.

Happy Summer

It's summertime now! Happy Solstice!

My favorite part of the 'summer' is already coming to an end, even though the official season has only just started - the part with no bugs. So I guess what I like is spring time, when the weather is becoming pleasant but the bugs haven't come out yet. After this the days are getting shorter and the bugs are ruining the outside.

The mascara for summer is Maybelline Great Lash. The best feature about this mascara is the brightly colored tube. Yay pink and green!

Update: I'm not such a fan. I don't think it was like this last time I used it, but it takes forever to dry so I basically have to wipe it off of the end of my lashes or else it gives me a line of black spots under my eyebrows. Plus, it's not waterproof at all so it smudges a lot and it totally runs if it gets wet. And somehow it's still really hard to get off at the end of the day... I hope the summer goes quickly so I can start a new mascara!

Babylon

I've been reading Jeremiah lately (yay me). It's been foreshadowing the exile a lot. Yesterday I came across this:

Wherever I banish them, all the survivors of this evil nation will prefer death to life, declares the Lord Almighty. (Jeremiah 8:3)

Prefer death to life...
I don't really expect things like this to come up in the Bible.
Did God make this happen, an intended part of the exile, or is it merely an observation of what would occur? Does God want people to be suicidal?
Is God different now than in the Old Testament? Don't we say that the Old Testament has enduring value because it shows us God's character?
We talk about how God would never do awful things to us, but the exile was pretty awful. Possibly deserved, but horrible nonetheless. Sometimes God doesn't save.

I was thinking about this as I drove to work, and suddenly I realized that this hits me in more than one way. Many years ago I had the sense that this time of darkness was an exile, was Babylon. It is an imperfect analogy, but it is one picture interpreting my circumstances. I am in exile in Babylon, where I relate to preferring death to life.

I think that doing good things should make me feel good. Reading the Bible in the morning when I wake up should increase my wellbeing, not my despair.

By the waters of Babylon we sat and wept
when we remembered Zion. (Psalm 137:1)

Notes on He's Just Not That Into You

I like reading books that are about problems I don't think I have. They can't disappoint me. When I hope that a book will speak to an issue in my life and then it doesn't address my concerns, I feel frustrated. It's nice to just hear what they have to say without having to apply it personally to my situation. I like just learning.

He's Just Not That Into You was sitting on my Mom's bookshelf, so I picked it up last night. It has some good stuff to say. It also says some questionable stuff (in my opinion). But overall I felt like it was worth reading.

As the title suggests, the authors are saying that if a guy doesn't seem completely interested in you, that's probably because he's not. They see this frank message as freeing: once you realize this you are free to let go of the mediocre relationship and find something better. Don't settle, they are saying.

The message is essentially: Respect yourself. Respect yourself enough that you won't let people (guys) treat you badly. It's a big self-esteem booster - they say things like "You're fantastic" and "You're too busy and popular for that" and "You're worth a good relationship." I like that message; I think it's valuable. It's empowering. They also note that the more you value yourself, the more likely it is that you will find a great relationship.

They also make the point (right at the end) that when we allow someone to treat us a certain way, it tells them that that is an appropriate way to treat people. If we insist on being treated well, it will teach them to treat others well also. Good point.

The style of the book kind of involves a dialogue between the two authors, and this makes for a really neat tone. One can bring up the questions and concerns and hard realities, and the other responds in a way that is palatable and doesn't just sound like canned advice. And they critique their own advice, anticipating our objections and rationalizations. Near the end they acknowledge their running assumption that you will find the perfect man as one of the authors points out that this is not guaranteed. The other author agrees, but says he has found that he must live with the belief that his life will turn out well. "I truly believe that the only way you can find out that there's something better out there is to first believe there's something better out there. I'll believe it for you until you're ready." I thought that last bit was so beautiful.

They live in a different dating world than I do, though. Chapter 4 is all about how "he's just not that into you if he's not having sex with you." It makes me nervous that that's how they define dating and a healthy relationship. Is all of non-Christian culture like that? They also describe the love relationships portrayed in movies as the ideal, whereas I've always heard them critiqued as fantasy.

Notes on Hulk

Yay, superhero movies.

Thinking about love and commitment and long-term... Maybe sometimes it works. Maybe sometimes you can actually love someone enough that it doesn't matter that you haven't seen them in five years and that they have become the Incredible Hulk in the meantime. That doesn't repulse or scare you because you just love them. You would risk your stability to help them. Of course, she didn't have to. They weren't married and she had moved on with her life. Sometimes it's easier when you're not obligated to love someone, but you're free to do it by choice.

Thanks for letting me tag along tonight, Katie and Aaron. I appreciated that.

Commitment

Once upon a time a friend and I were talking about his interest in Catholicism. He is attending a Catholic church, and he loves it. He has thought about officially converting, but he still has some hesitations. There seems to be little room for personal opinion or "your own flavor of belief" in Catholicism; you are obligated as a Catholic to hold the one official belief of the Church. It's not okay to disagree on points. (I feel like for Protestants there is such a variety of doctrine among the different streams that there's plenty of room for a difference of belief while still remaining a Christian.) In addition, becoming Catholic means committing yourself not only to believe all the previously asserted dogmas, but also to believe anything else they might declare to be the Church's official position in the future. So you don't exactly know all that you're getting yourself into.
Sounds like a lot of trust to me.

I feel like marriage is like that. One day you promise to spend forever with one person, without knowing who they will be in the future. You promise to love someone forever, regardless of who they become. And changes are inevitable. What is worse, they are not the only ones who are changing - you yourself are changing too. The person you are today is committing the person you are in the future to whoever the other person turns out to be in the future.
Sounds risky to me.

Potholes on a Path of Prayer

My friend is not well.
Jesus, help him?
Wait - do I mean "help him" as in "just make it better," or do I mean "give him yourself"?
Well... I can't ask you to impersonally improve things for him and then back off, like a fairy godmother.
But I'm not sure that he wants you.
And based on my experience, I can't assert that having you is clearly a good thing. It doesn't seem to make things better.
It's hard to ask more for them than what you give me. You teach me who you are by who you are to me. And I don't think I wish that for them.
Makes prayer hard.
I'm sorry.
Jesus, help me?

Notes on Zohan

Adam Sandler. Funny. Some redeeming qualities. Some un-redeeming qualities. I liked the idea of an Israeli counter-terrorist who really just wants to come to America and be a hairdresser. But... everyone's dreams are so small. Is that all there is for them?
I really liked the accents. "I'm Haugh-stralian, and... Mount Everest."

I didn't like how sex was portrayed in this movie. It was nearly meaningless - just physical pleasure and an ego boost, nothing more. Just a bonus included with a haircut, with no moral implications. I imagine that it must be more than that.

Note to Self

If you don't want to start fires, don't try to clean off the candle jar with a kleenex while the candle is still burning. When the kleenex catches on fire, don't wave it around. And seriously, don't use the box of matches to try to put out the fire.

This could have gone much worse.
Lesson learned!

P.S. Two o'clock in the morning is a good time for sleeping!

Notes on Caspian

Scene That Touched Me Most: The moment when the gate is dropped, and not everyone has made it out. The face of the centaur, only one of the many trapped in enemy territory. Understanding resignation? Perhaps, "I accept my fate." Turning to continue fighting the enemy until certain death. Sacrifice. Giving one's life.

Theme That Touched Me Most: Contemplative When I think of this quality, I think of two facets: sitting in silence, and love. Lucy shows me this most clearly. She often sits meditating on the picture of Aslan. She looks for him. She expects him. She loves him. She's not too focused on herself, and others are there to focus on the practical details.
As a result Lucy is given special privileges. She alone sits atop the Stone Table while the others are circled about the room. She is the only one Aslan reveals himself to at the beginning, and she finds him at the end. While others bow before him, she stands beside him. She can come the nearest and presume the most with Aslan.
She still asks, "Why didn't you come and help?" But she never despairs or loses faith.
He is her joy.
I also noticed the moments when other characters struggled with Aslan's absence. Wanting to see, but also feeling the need to act. Called to purposes other than simple loving contemplation. Trying to fight well for the good, even without direction.

Thoughts on "Quitter" and Work Friends

I am often not okay with it when people I care about leave. And I express a little bit of that to them. (When Scott quit, I wrote him a card with, like, seven frowny faces in it.) And I guess that tells them that I care and that they meant something to me. But it's not exactly a life-giving sentiment. I don't actually want to make them feel guilty for leaving - ideally I would like to celebrate them and give them strength as they go. I'm not sure how to do that, how to feel that.

In an email, a friend commented to me,

it occurs to me that so many of your blog posts are about people leaving. it must be hard, especially since, as you say, your workplace has such high turnover. the fact that you keep investing in those work relationships is so neat, though. it might be tempting not to, but you seem to anyway. that's really beautiful, you know? even if the investment can't extend beyond the workplace, it's cool that you continue to be open to new work friends.

I'm not as good at that as I used to be. But I almost can't not care. Work is so much of my life, and so I need to live there and I need to care about people who share that realm with me. (Thanks for the encouragement, Friend.)

I notice myself being possessive of the people in my life. I refer to "my Trevor," for instance. And that's probably just kind of cute when he's my packer - a shortened form of "my partner Trevor." But I imagine it's not okay in a more general context. He's not mine. He's my friend, but he's not mine more than anyone else's and therefore not "mine." I shouldn't read possession out of friendship.

i'm so tired of living for
the kind of love that only comes and goes
but your love, your love
lasts forever

Jesus, I cling tightly to them because I feel like I don't have you, and I need something. Please, give me yourself, so that I can love them in a healthy way. I can't make it happen myself.