Aye Eye Aie

I have been noticing lately just how egocentric I am. I generally think of myself first. And it's not just a matter of selfishness; there are a few reasons for this.

First, it's a issue of budgeting my limited emotional resources. Can I handle this? How will this really affect me? How much will it take to rise to what is expected of me? Can I keep this up? Will the benefit someone else gains outweigh the cost to myself?

When you're full and replenished, you can give easily and barely notice the cost. When you're empty and exhausted, every effort is a sacrifice that probably won't be noticed or appreciated. Everything that you give, leaves less for basic existence.

The widow's mite... she was generous with her limited resources, not knowing how she would survive. We never find out what happened to her. Is it a healthy, reasonable lesson?

Additionally, I was taught to be reflective, and this generally involves asking, "How does this affect me? What is my experience here?" Me, me, me. And a story is only mine to share and ponder to the degree that it affects me. For instance, my blog is about my thoughts and experiences. Wouldn't it be weird otherwise? But is learning to be reflective just learning to be egocentric? Surely not...

...And it's not like this is working out so well for me...

Lucas

So as I previously mentioned, the pastor officiating Katie & Patrick's wedding used to be a close professor of mine. I went to a little school, so you really had a chance to get to know some of your profs. Lucas and I went on a mission trip to Mexico together, where he lent me a blanket. I helped out with the neighbourhood kids club he hosted with his wife. He taught me College 101, Life of Christ, Small Group Leadership, and Teaching Children. It was him I consulted about speaking in chapel about depression, and after that short query I ended up spending the rest of the lunch hour in his office, telling him about the issues going on in my family. He even offered to be a father-figure to me. And I remember how much I cried when he told us he was leaving. He was important to me.

Since then I've lost touch. Well, I still know where he works and lives, and I could probably find his phone number - but I haven't known what to say so I haven't said anything. I'm a different person now that the one he knew. She loved Jesus, and sought to be a woman of prayer and humility. I have given up - and along with giving up religion, I felt like I had to give up most of my Christian acquaintances. What would we have in common anymore?

For this reason I was apprehensive about seeing him again, apprehensive about what to say. It turned out to be okay. He accidentally called me Denise, but then told me about how he often thinks of me and appreciated how I was always so nice to him. And beyond that there wasn't much more time for conversation. We never got into the intense "how are you" that I dreaded. And everyone agreed that he was the most adorable wedding pastor ever.

He invited me to stay in touch. A part of me wants to, but a part of me still doesn't know what to say. And this situation made me realize that this guardedness defines not only renewed connections with old acquaintances, but many of my relationships - and even myself. I am too tired for/of reflection and introspection to be able to put much effort into it, and that just leaves me floating on the surface. I'm not even able to wish for more. I feel awkward talking with those who haven't seen my progression because I don't want to dwell on what lies beneath the surface, and I am not entirely comfortable with it. When I don't disillusion them, though, they are led to believe that I am the same as I was when they knew me - and that just becomes deceitful. I don't want to keep people at arm's length... except I do.

Dear Starbucks,

Dear Starbucks,

I love you. You are better than Tim Hortons because, although your drinks are exponentially more expensive and their tea is good too, when I need somewhere to go and sit, to work and think, they are not welcoming. They have hard chairs in which I must sit up straight, and they put up those "20 minutes or it's loitering" signs that make me so sad. You're even better than the library, because I can't have beverages there, and I have to sit up straight and keep my feet on the floor. When I come visit you, I can curl up in a comfy chair and stay as long as I want - and use the internet! You're the bestest, and I'm grateful.

Love,
Michelle

Completed Projects

Over the past few months, I have been busy with several knitting/crocheting projects. I'm quite proud of the results, so let me tell you about them!

This elephant baby blanket is for a friend's new baby. I tried hard to finish the blanket before the baby was born, and I think I did, but I haven't seen my friend since so it is still waiting to be given. This friend also knits and crochets, so I always feel like projects I give to her need to be more advanced than what I might give other friends - although I'm sure she'd still be grateful, she would see right through a basic project that would 'wow' most other people. This spurs on my creativity. I didn't have a pattern for this - I made it up. In knitting, there are two different textures you can make, depending on whether you "push the bumps to the back" or "pull the bumps to the front." That difference in textures is what made the elephant (it is all the same colour, despite the differences in the pictures). I figured out what to do when by tracing a pattern on graph paper off a computer screen. It took a long time, and there are a bazillion stitches, but it's an achievement I'm proud of!

I made this aphgan for Katie and Patrick for their wedding:

I've made this pattern once before, seven years ago, and I was really impressed by how much I remembered! I would consult the pattern about what to do next, but instead of fighting to understand crazy pattern language, I just remembered what that meant. Yay!
I started making this blanket with plenty of time - so much that I had time to take a break and work on other things (like the baby aphgan). By the time I finally came back to it I no longer had plenty of time, and this was the project that I was frantically finishing at the last possible moment, Thursday night before the wedding. So much intense crocheting (with tension a bit too tight) put a lot of pressure on my ring finger, and the next morning my finger was still numb! I've had to slow down my crafting this last week, because it turns out that I hold my crochet hooks and knitting needles in the exact same spot on that finger, and I think I dented a nerve or something.

I also made the gift I gave Katie for one of her showers last month: a dishcloth flower arrangement. I made her a bunch of dishcloths, folded them into flowers, and stuck them in a flowerpot along with some dish soap. Someone told me that it was one of the most creative shower gifts they'd ever seen, and I felt proud to hear that.

Books Read - Spring 2011

7. The Consolations of Philosophy by Alain de Botton**

6. Winesburg, Ohio by Sherwood Anderson

5. Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte*

4. The Sweetness at the Bottom of the Pie by Alan Bradley

3. Salmon Fishing in the Yemen by Paul Torday

2. Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte*

1. The Heart of Midlothian by Sir Walter Scott*

Wedding

Katie and Patrick were married on the weekend. The wedding was beautiful. The ceremony was at the house Katie grew up in. Unfortunately, however, rain sprinkled on us throughout the outdoor ceremony and poured intermittently throughout the rest of the afternoon. This hampered the wedding picture plans; between the rain and time constraints, after posing on the verandah at the house we only ventured out for pictures at Starbucks (that's so Katie) and Rona (a last minute idea because they had an indoor garden center). I think the pictures could turn out pretty neat, though, and I hope Katie and Patrick are happy with them. Their wedding cake was adorable: inspired by "Up," it was the house with the balloons coming out the chimney, and the adorable old couple sitting on a bench in the front yard. Altogether it was a beautiful day.

This happy occasion made me recognize just how much of a hard time I am having at being happy. I feel like I just have no capacity for it. I stood in the ceremony, remembering what it would have felt like to be emotionally invested in the situation, to feel like I am supporting the significant moment. I conjured a glimmer of that feeling, but I mostly found myself up against a deep, sickening exhaustion.

I kept wondering why they chose me to be part of their wedding party, and fearing that I wasn't carrying my weight. What was my role as a bridesmaid? Well, I provided a location for the first part of the stagette; I was the table-guard at the bar for the second part of the stagette; I recorded the gifts Katie received at both showers, the stagette, and the gift opening; I made the signs guiding people to the ceremony; and I walked down the aisle with Ron during the recessional. And, oh yeah, I was significant in getting the couple together. Not that it was my intention to be a matchmaker, but they were both my friends first, then we all started hanging out together, and then they started dating. My feelings of not deserving the honour of standing up with them is rooted more in paranoia than reality.

Books I Bought at the Book Sale

Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman (read 2011)

Forgiveness and Other Acts of Love by Stephanie Dowrick

HTML for Dummies by Ed Tittel and Steven James

The French Chef Cookbook by Julia Child

Dreams from My Father by Barack Obama

L'etranger by Albert Camus

The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini

The Salterton Trilogy by Robertson Davies

The Manticore by Robertson Davies

The Fire-Dwellers by Margaret Laurence (New Canadian Library Series)

A Jest of God by Margaret Laurence (NCL)

Arcadian Adventures with the Idle Rich by Stephen Leacock (NCL; read)

As For Me and My House by Sinclair Ross (NCL)

The Lost Salt Gift of Blood by Alistair MacLeod (NCL)

Such Is My Beloved by Morley Callaghan (NCL)

The Bean Trees by Barbara Kingsolver (read 12/2015)

The Other Boleyn Girl by Philippa Gregory (read 02/2016)

Winesburg, Ohio by Sherwood Anderson (read 2011)

Things That Can Be Substituted for Flour

1/4 cup of ground flaxseed for 1/4 cup of flour in a recipe

(adds omega-3 and fibre)

1/4 cup of wheat bran for 1/4 cup of flour

(adds fibre)

1/4 cup of ground nuts for 1/4 cup of flour

(adds a nuttier flavour, protein, and good fatty acids)

1/4 cup of wheat germ or oat bran for 1/4 cup of flour

(adds extra nutrients)

soy flour for 1/3 of the flour in a recipe

(adds protein)

Credits: Eating Well by Heidi Murkoff

Things I Miss About Being a Christian

community... encouraging community, where people care about each other (or at least that is the ideal, the goal)

asking for prayer... having an opportunity/reason/excuse for sharing when I'm not well

meeting people's expectations... being who they think I am... not being afraid that who I've become will disappoint them

feeling like a good person

music

Things That Are Great About My Mom

she cares about doing a good job

she creates clean, pleasant surroundings

she is organized

she is generous

she is good at her job

she is constantly learning and bettering herself

she takes good care of her possessions

she has successfully taken on the project of renovating her house, largely by herself (tiling, hardwood, new cabinets, granite countertops)

she owns and knows how to use a mitre saw

she gets so much done

Progress Report

A week or two ago, I was talking to my Mom on the phone. "Did you ever finish that course you were working on?" she asked. I was surprised by her question and a little offended by the way she asked it: I have a year to finish the course, and that deadline was still ten and a half months away. Of course I haven't read eleven hard books already!

But I guess it's hard to remember all the details that people tell you, and I should appreciate the fact that she remembered that I am taking a course.

To be honest, I'm slowing down on it. The last book I read (The Heart of Midlothian) was really hard, so it wasn't concerned when I spent three weeks on it. But I'm on the third week for my current book (Jane Eyre) as well, and this one's not difficult - it shouldn't be taking me more than two.

This time my excuse is television. And my excuse for the television is knitting. I'm working on a cool project that I've been spending a lot of time on. Watching TV goes with knitting better than reading does. And although there aren't many shows that I watch, those shows that I do are on all the time!

I used to be the type who never watched TV. I guess that's because all I had was peasant vision, and my television set barely worked. When you have the technology, you will inevitably use it?

Happy Earth Day

This month's Cupcake Theme was Earth Day Cupcakes, and although I didn't actually enter the contest, I did bake Earth Day cupcakes. I found a recipe for Strawberry Cupcakes on another blog, and I happened to have fresh strawberries because they were a great price for this time of year. "Strawberries are earth-y," I thought, and then I made my cupcakes extra earth friendly by using organic sugar. And they tasted SO GOOD! They were moist and fresh tasting and yummy. I put more strawberry puree in the icing than the recipe called for, and then I got out my decorating miscellany and after numerous failed attempts, ended up making them look like flowers - so they were pretty too!

Happy Earth Day!

Revisiting Grad

I made more cards today. And I actually like how this one turned out:
That's an especially good thing, because it was for a special occasion. Happy Graduation, Friend!

It's nice to know that you're important to someone, and it's nice to be involved in their lives. I loved it when you came over to do homework, because it gave me a chance to be a part of your school life. I was honoured that you wanted me there at your grad, and I was glad to come and share your special day. Thanks for wanting me and needing me.

Being there made me think back to my own grad. Three years ago - that's so long. Both nostalgia and seeing "how far I have come" are uncomfortable for me. I am not who they hoped I would become, and I negated all their benedictions. These situations give me a chance to consider where I am, and I am at the place where I say "It hurt too much, and I just couldn't stay." It didn't help tonight that the banquet was held at a church where I once had a difficult experience, one that I later cited for my fall from faith. My eyes kept straying to that corner where I felt so abandoned.

Now that this friend is finished school, my connections there are minimal. There has been a gradual letting go since I finished there myself, and to be honest, I look forward to the freedom of its culmination. It's an awkward place for me to go back to.

I found myself thinking tonight that if I keep a list of everyone who has hurt my feelings, soon there won't be anyone left who's not on that list. I need to get over things. And I do... but it requires enough good to outweigh the bad, and in a lot of cases I don't have that opportunity. That still makes for a very long list. Hmmm...

Tonight a stranger approached me and asked if I was part of the choir years ago - because he remembered me and the way I sang a particular song. As I stood on the edge of the group and sang in the chorus, he was powerfully moved by my presentation - and he has remembered that for years. I don't even remember the song, but he remembers me and said he has looked for me since. This reminded me of Edna, a lady across the country who remembered me and found me again a year later. These situations are flattering and humbling, and I don't know what to do with them, especially considering where I have ended up. So I said "Thank you," and pondered it in my heart.

Conflict Resolution

So, I feel like I'm just not good at being a person. And it kinda hurts.

And it turns out that I define a person primarily as a social being, because the above is what I say when I am struggling with social interactions.

How do you define "personhood"?

Nostalgia

Do you remember this?

After eleven years, "back off, get your own sandwich" is still a fantastic quote.

It's funny how imperfect memory is, though - I could have sworn the commercial was for Subway, not Maple Leaf, and I'm finding that a lot of other people also had the same false certainty. You?