Books Read - Spring 2011

7. The Consolations of Philosophy by Alain de Botton**

6. Winesburg, Ohio by Sherwood Anderson

5. Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte*

4. The Sweetness at the Bottom of the Pie by Alan Bradley

3. Salmon Fishing in the Yemen by Paul Torday

2. Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte*

1. The Heart of Midlothian by Sir Walter Scott*

Wedding

Katie and Patrick were married on the weekend. The wedding was beautiful. The ceremony was at the house Katie grew up in. Unfortunately, however, rain sprinkled on us throughout the outdoor ceremony and poured intermittently throughout the rest of the afternoon. This hampered the wedding picture plans; between the rain and time constraints, after posing on the verandah at the house we only ventured out for pictures at Starbucks (that's so Katie) and Rona (a last minute idea because they had an indoor garden center). I think the pictures could turn out pretty neat, though, and I hope Katie and Patrick are happy with them. Their wedding cake was adorable: inspired by "Up," it was the house with the balloons coming out the chimney, and the adorable old couple sitting on a bench in the front yard. Altogether it was a beautiful day.

This happy occasion made me recognize just how much of a hard time I am having at being happy. I feel like I just have no capacity for it. I stood in the ceremony, remembering what it would have felt like to be emotionally invested in the situation, to feel like I am supporting the significant moment. I conjured a glimmer of that feeling, but I mostly found myself up against a deep, sickening exhaustion.

I kept wondering why they chose me to be part of their wedding party, and fearing that I wasn't carrying my weight. What was my role as a bridesmaid? Well, I provided a location for the first part of the stagette; I was the table-guard at the bar for the second part of the stagette; I recorded the gifts Katie received at both showers, the stagette, and the gift opening; I made the signs guiding people to the ceremony; and I walked down the aisle with Ron during the recessional. And, oh yeah, I was significant in getting the couple together. Not that it was my intention to be a matchmaker, but they were both my friends first, then we all started hanging out together, and then they started dating. My feelings of not deserving the honour of standing up with them is rooted more in paranoia than reality.

Books I Bought at the Book Sale

Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman (read 2011)

Forgiveness and Other Acts of Love by Stephanie Dowrick

HTML for Dummies by Ed Tittel and Steven James

The French Chef Cookbook by Julia Child

Dreams from My Father by Barack Obama

L'etranger by Albert Camus

The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini

The Salterton Trilogy by Robertson Davies

The Manticore by Robertson Davies

The Fire-Dwellers by Margaret Laurence (New Canadian Library Series)

A Jest of God by Margaret Laurence (NCL)

Arcadian Adventures with the Idle Rich by Stephen Leacock (NCL; read)

As For Me and My House by Sinclair Ross (NCL)

The Lost Salt Gift of Blood by Alistair MacLeod (NCL)

Such Is My Beloved by Morley Callaghan (NCL)

The Bean Trees by Barbara Kingsolver (read 12/2015)

The Other Boleyn Girl by Philippa Gregory (read 02/2016)

Winesburg, Ohio by Sherwood Anderson (read 2011)

Things That Can Be Substituted for Flour

1/4 cup of ground flaxseed for 1/4 cup of flour in a recipe

(adds omega-3 and fibre)

1/4 cup of wheat bran for 1/4 cup of flour

(adds fibre)

1/4 cup of ground nuts for 1/4 cup of flour

(adds a nuttier flavour, protein, and good fatty acids)

1/4 cup of wheat germ or oat bran for 1/4 cup of flour

(adds extra nutrients)

soy flour for 1/3 of the flour in a recipe

(adds protein)

Credits: Eating Well by Heidi Murkoff

Things I Miss About Being a Christian

community... encouraging community, where people care about each other (or at least that is the ideal, the goal)

asking for prayer... having an opportunity/reason/excuse for sharing when I'm not well

meeting people's expectations... being who they think I am... not being afraid that who I've become will disappoint them

feeling like a good person

music

Things That Are Great About My Mom

she cares about doing a good job

she creates clean, pleasant surroundings

she is organized

she is generous

she is good at her job

she is constantly learning and bettering herself

she takes good care of her possessions

she has successfully taken on the project of renovating her house, largely by herself (tiling, hardwood, new cabinets, granite countertops)

she owns and knows how to use a mitre saw

she gets so much done

Progress Report

A week or two ago, I was talking to my Mom on the phone. "Did you ever finish that course you were working on?" she asked. I was surprised by her question and a little offended by the way she asked it: I have a year to finish the course, and that deadline was still ten and a half months away. Of course I haven't read eleven hard books already!

But I guess it's hard to remember all the details that people tell you, and I should appreciate the fact that she remembered that I am taking a course.

To be honest, I'm slowing down on it. The last book I read (The Heart of Midlothian) was really hard, so it wasn't concerned when I spent three weeks on it. But I'm on the third week for my current book (Jane Eyre) as well, and this one's not difficult - it shouldn't be taking me more than two.

This time my excuse is television. And my excuse for the television is knitting. I'm working on a cool project that I've been spending a lot of time on. Watching TV goes with knitting better than reading does. And although there aren't many shows that I watch, those shows that I do are on all the time!

I used to be the type who never watched TV. I guess that's because all I had was peasant vision, and my television set barely worked. When you have the technology, you will inevitably use it?

Happy Earth Day

This month's Cupcake Theme was Earth Day Cupcakes, and although I didn't actually enter the contest, I did bake Earth Day cupcakes. I found a recipe for Strawberry Cupcakes on another blog, and I happened to have fresh strawberries because they were a great price for this time of year. "Strawberries are earth-y," I thought, and then I made my cupcakes extra earth friendly by using organic sugar. And they tasted SO GOOD! They were moist and fresh tasting and yummy. I put more strawberry puree in the icing than the recipe called for, and then I got out my decorating miscellany and after numerous failed attempts, ended up making them look like flowers - so they were pretty too!

Happy Earth Day!

Revisiting Grad

I made more cards today. And I actually like how this one turned out:
That's an especially good thing, because it was for a special occasion. Happy Graduation, Friend!

It's nice to know that you're important to someone, and it's nice to be involved in their lives. I loved it when you came over to do homework, because it gave me a chance to be a part of your school life. I was honoured that you wanted me there at your grad, and I was glad to come and share your special day. Thanks for wanting me and needing me.

Being there made me think back to my own grad. Three years ago - that's so long. Both nostalgia and seeing "how far I have come" are uncomfortable for me. I am not who they hoped I would become, and I negated all their benedictions. These situations give me a chance to consider where I am, and I am at the place where I say "It hurt too much, and I just couldn't stay." It didn't help tonight that the banquet was held at a church where I once had a difficult experience, one that I later cited for my fall from faith. My eyes kept straying to that corner where I felt so abandoned.

Now that this friend is finished school, my connections there are minimal. There has been a gradual letting go since I finished there myself, and to be honest, I look forward to the freedom of its culmination. It's an awkward place for me to go back to.

I found myself thinking tonight that if I keep a list of everyone who has hurt my feelings, soon there won't be anyone left who's not on that list. I need to get over things. And I do... but it requires enough good to outweigh the bad, and in a lot of cases I don't have that opportunity. That still makes for a very long list. Hmmm...

Tonight a stranger approached me and asked if I was part of the choir years ago - because he remembered me and the way I sang a particular song. As I stood on the edge of the group and sang in the chorus, he was powerfully moved by my presentation - and he has remembered that for years. I don't even remember the song, but he remembers me and said he has looked for me since. This reminded me of Edna, a lady across the country who remembered me and found me again a year later. These situations are flattering and humbling, and I don't know what to do with them, especially considering where I have ended up. So I said "Thank you," and pondered it in my heart.

Conflict Resolution

So, I feel like I'm just not good at being a person. And it kinda hurts.

And it turns out that I define a person primarily as a social being, because the above is what I say when I am struggling with social interactions.

How do you define "personhood"?

Nostalgia

Do you remember this?

After eleven years, "back off, get your own sandwich" is still a fantastic quote.

It's funny how imperfect memory is, though - I could have sworn the commercial was for Subway, not Maple Leaf, and I'm finding that a lot of other people also had the same false certainty. You?

Books Read - Winter 2011

10. Thirteen at Dinner by by Agatha Christie**

9. Frankenstein by Mary Shelley*

8. Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen*

7. Aspects of the Novel by E.M. Forster*
6. Thanks for the Memories by Cecelia Ahern
5. Speaking Out: Ideas That Work for Canadians by Jack Layton
4. The Undomestic Goddess by Sophie Kinsella
3. Persuasion by Jane Austen***
2. What the Dog Saw by Malcolm Gladwell**
1. Among the Shadows by L.M. Montgomery

* In partial fulfilment of my correspondence course (Nineteenth Century English Literature)

** In partial fulfilment of my New Year's Reading Goals (inspired by Mara)

*** Read in tandem with friends

RTW

What to expect on my return to work:

//// My manager is my enemy

- I'm not used to having enemies

- "love your enemies"
- no spite on my side - and no expectations

- no efforts for friendliness - though very civil

- but... will a lack of cheer on my side just make things worse? perpetuate a spiral?

- and what about necessary interactions?

- enemy = doesn't watch out for my best interest - but that's her job...

//// 2 significant errors by my coworker

- I may have made one myself before I left - she isn't the only one

- everything can be fixed

//// 4 audit issues by my coworker

//// 3 exasperating situations with managers

//// My coworker will be my equal - covering my absence was her rite of passage

- it works better when there is a slight hierarchy, though...

I don't want to!

But it probably won't be as bad as I fear... especially if my expectations are really low.

Self-Interrogation

What's the problem?

--- My manager doesn't like me.

Why is that a problem?

--- I want everyone to like me.

But not everyone does.

--- If someone doesn't like me, they don't want me around. I am a negative thing to them - a curse. They see me in a negative light, and will interpret and misunderstand me that way. I become what they see me as - unlikeable.

--- This isn't a big deal if the feeling is mutual or if I can disregard their peripheral role in my life.

--- This is painful when continuing contact with the person is required, and it provides continual reminders.

Here's the flaw: "If they don't like me, I am unlikeable."

--- I recognize that there is a flaw here, but I can't dismiss it.

--- "People are continually teaching me how I deserve to be treated."

--- I'm not strong enough, and I feel crushed by the weight of the effort.

Counter argument: Playing by the same rules, if someone does like me, then I am likeable.

--- I guess it balances out.

INTRINSIC

...

?

Also... inadmissible.

Tax Party

I'm really glad we've started a tradition of doing our taxes together. =)