Trust

"What does trust mean to you," he asked.

...believing that people will do what they say they will...
...believing that people care and are interested...
...believing that when I share myself, I won't be rejected...
...believing that people will not harm me.

Attention

I was at the mall, walking into a clothing store, when I heard a voice behind me.
//Excuse me?//
I wasn't sure that I was the one being addressed, but I turned around anyways to see a shaggy blond guy with an air of vulnerability.
//Can I ask you a question?//
\\Sure!\\
//Um, would you go out with me sometime?//
There were lots of reasons to say no. I picked, \\Oh, I don't live around here.\\
//Oh. That's too bad. You're really beautiful... Well, it was nice to meet you.// And he shook my hand.
I grinned - this kind of thing doesn't happen to me!
I hadn't even gotten over no-makeup week!
I enjoyed the attention.

Visit

I came home for the "weekend" to see Mom and a friend. It was my friend's birthday and I never did make it to the post office to mail her a gift, and it has been too long since I've seen her anyways, so I figured it was time for a visit.

My friend and I hung out today. I went over to her place and made sure her baby didn't fall off the counter while she worked on a craft project with another friend, and then when the other person left we just chatted and caught up on each other's lives. Oh yeah, and I learned that I'm not the queen of changing diapers. It turned out alright, but I'm definitely not pro. Which is fine right now.

My time with my Mom is a little scattered. She had a conference last night, so I saw her for a bit after that when I got here. Then today she had the conference all day and a Christmas party tonight. So I saw her for a bit between the two events, and we'll see if I stay up until she gets home. Tomorrow we'll go out for brunch together before I head home and before she heads to yet another Christmas party.

Home. I use that word to mean both here and there. Mom used it (referring to me) to mean here, but then corrected herself. And really, this doesn't feel much like home. Too much has changed, and I have built my own life.

I have been so so very tired today. I'm trying to figure out why I'm always so tired when I'm here...
- the drive makes me tired
- I guess I don't sleep well in an unfamiliar bed?
- being allergic to the cat certainly doesn't help
- there's a lot of social effort involved in trying to be interesting and happy with people for long periods of time, and that wears me out

Banal Longevity

I wish life weren't so long.
I can make good enough decisions with the next few months in mind. I can plan for that. But when I realize that choices I make now, small and large, will affect the rest of my life, which I assume will be a very long time, I feel so confined. Everything feels reckless because the consequences reach so far. Everything feels meaningless because nothing will last as long as life.
It is wearisome.

Culture

I walked into the break room and greeted Yete, grabbed my lunch bag and sat down beside him. He had a tray of fries in front of him. He motioned to them and then to me, insisting I have some. "Africans always eat together," he explained. It seemed like he feels uneasy eating alone and not having anyone to share with. That must be a big culture shift for him: going from a place where everyone shares their food to one where people generally provide only for themselves. I am well steeped in my own culture, and so although I have no problem bumming a few fries off my coworkers (and stolen fries always taste better), I kinda felt a little uncomfortable with his insistence that I eat more of his food. I don't know exactly where he's from, but it's a different world.

I like what's familiar and I am a product of my world. The glimpse I caught of Yete's approach to life and communality sparkles with beauty, but it makes me feel awkward. That discomfort gets in the way of me saying "that's wonderful," desiring to see more, or feeling inspired to be more like that.

Fun Day

I had a great day today. In fact, it was Fun Day with a capital Q. Justin and I both had the day off, so we spent it together. We went to a lake out of town and had a picnic and took a walk. Then we came back here and watched a movie. Afterwards we laid on the couch and talked for a long time.

We played a question game - the one where he asks me a question and then I ask him one.
He asked, What do you think the most important thing is in a relationship?
After thinking about it for a minute, I answered, The ability to be yourself. Feeling like you can reveal who you are to the other person, and that you don't just have to be who they expect you to be. Giving them the freedom to be who they are.
Do you feel that way with me, he asked. It's a process of revelation, but yeah, I do.

Update 11/11/08: In the next installment of the question game, I asked Justin what he thinks the most important thing in a relationship is. He responded with thoughts on communication. Having few secrets. Being truthful.

Church

I was scared to go. There's been a bit of a hiatus from church again, and I kinda fell of the face of the earth where Nick is concerned. I slept in one week so I didn't even call him about going to church (and he didn't call me either). Then I was away for Thanksgiving, then the next week I was in Ontario, then I worked on Sunday morning for the next few weeks. Now here we are. I have the day off, and woke up on time. I texted Nick, saying sorry for being incommunicato and telling him I'd be coming to church today. I heard back from him five hours later, after church was long over. So I was there alone. I sat alone. Near the door. And felt kinda awkward.

I don't really believe a lot of what they say. "Really? Is that an essential part of the Christian message, or just a possible application to a particular situation? Maybe it's true in a certian context, but always, for everyone? For me?" I guess it's possible that a different church could be better (I didn't choose this one based on its teaching, after all), but I don't even know what it is I want to hear, what I would agree with.

I'll probably be working Sundays for the next many weeks. So I won't be back for a while.

Guy Friends

It's interesting to find the balance with guy friends when I'm in a relationship.

Mark called today. He's an acquaintance from a few years ago who I ran into about a month ago. We got together for coffee and a movie two weeks ago, and although he's a nice guy I didn't have a great time. He called again today, asking if I was busy tonight. ("Yeah, I have some plans.") How about tomorrow? Pizza and a movie or something? ("Can I get back to you on that?...")

I also hung out with Kwesi today. He texted me this morning and we went for a walk/hike before I went to work. Kwesi is one thing, Mark is another. Kwesi and I were already friends, but it's a new thing with Mark and I don't quite know what he's thinking. Also, Kwesi already knew about Justin, whereas Mark did not.

I didn't quite know how to answer Mark. It felt really weird to think about saying yes, but I don't want to feel like I can't hang out with other guys. I called him back later though and said that I wouldn't be available to hang out tomorrow. "I just got into a new relationship, and I need some time for that." He seemed okay with that, and I was too. He vaguely suggested coffee sometime, and I non-commitally said sure.

It isn't a matter of rules, and it doesn't feel helpful to articulate any. Some of my guy friendships are valuable to me and need to be maintained although I have a boyfriend. Some aren't worth developing since there's someone else who gets a lot of my time and attention.

As I told Justin about my day today, half the stories that I told were related to guy friends of mine. Then I said, "I don't want you to feel threatened by me having guy friends." He assured me that he didn't, and added that most of his friends are girls. Perfect!
Hanging out with Mark (and not enjoying it) is one thing that made me realize I wanted to be more than friends with Justin, haha.

Imaginary?

A month or so ago I was laying in bed, trying to fall asleep. I was going to bed exceptionally early because I had to work in the morning, and my mind wasn't quite ready to slow down yet.

I turned my thoughts to God. Prayer felt really bizarre that night though, and I couldn't help but wonder if God is like my imaginary friend. Philip Yancey understands: "When doubts creep in and I wonder whether prayer is a sanctified form of talking to myself..." Do I just make up the idea of God because I like imagining someone is there?

But you'd think that if this was all a figment of my imagination, I would create it in a way that pleased me, that we would be happy together. It sucks to be rejected by your imaginary friend, especially when it seems to be because of your high self-esteem. So either I'm crazier than I thought, or it's not imaginary. But the idea has stuck with me.

Credits: Prayer: Does It Make Any Difference, 79.

Spice Club

I shop in bulk. Like, I buy things in really large packages, and then I try to use them up all by myself. Maybe I should share! (Notice how I don't consider buying smaller quantities...)

I've thought before how it would be fun to start a spice club, where when we buy spices in large quantities that would last us forever, we can share them with each other. Currently I have an overstock on:
1. Granulated Garlic
2. Oregano
Let me know if you'd be interested in some of these!

Today I stocked up on some things that are not spices, but that I now own in quantities that should be shared. So if you are interested in...
3. Extra Large Eggs
4. Generic Ibuprofen
...please let me know! And don't feel bad about asking - you'll be doing me a favor by letting me share these things with you! After all, although they might otherwise stick around forever, they won't stay good forever!

I couldn't stop laughing!

The funniest thing happened today at work.

I was sitting in the office researching a problem for someone, when all the sudden I heard one of my coworkers just outside the door to the office say, "Um, this isn't a price checker... it's for us to scan in and out for the day." A customer, wondering about the price on a pack of gum, brought it through the tills and scanned it repeatedly into our timeclock. I looked over at the girl beside me, who also heard the situation unfold, and we laughed and laughed!

(Maybe it was one of those you-needed-to-be-there kind of situations... It was so funny at the time though!)

The Morning After

I use the term "morning" loosely. I guess it means "the beginning of my day," whether or not that's before noon.

I woke up this "morning" feeling kinda weird about the situation. "Really, I'm dating Justin?" Not panicked or regretful, just kinda strange.

I hope I don't break his heart.

Update on Life

So, Justin just left. Yeah, I know, it's five in the morning. We're official now. =)

I know I said I wasn't eager for anything to happen too quickly. But saying that feels like a long time ago already, and the anticipation started to feel less fun rather than more fun. Plus, he got a new job so he's leaving early next week, which means that working together won't stand in the way. And I suspected that perhaps I wouldn't like my other guy friends until I got things sorted out with Justin, but once that happened we could all be okay again (I hope I'm right). The time seemed opportune.

Yesterday I asked him if he'd want to hang out on our days off, and he said sure. He called today and we tried to make plans (something we're not very good at). I said there was a movie I've heard good things about and asked if he wanted to come over and watch it with me, and then I added that I should cook so he could come for dinner if he wanted.

He came for dinner and a movie. (He showed up early, just as I began putting on makeup, so that aborted that process. So I had no makeup on, and I was wearing my huge break-up hoody, and not looking very glam, haha.) After the movie we talked for like three and a half hours (not realizing that much time had gone by!), and then we stuck in another movie. He put his arm around me and I held his hand and cuddled into him. And then halfway through The Incredibles, he kissed me. "I've been waiting a long time to do that," he said. "Sorry for being so forward..." And I said, "I think we need to have another talk," and "I don't think you know what you're getting yourself into; there's a lot you don't know about me." "I'm willing to learn," he said.

We saved the talk for when the movie was finished. Here's some of how it went: ("I'm in quotation marks," he's in italics.)
~ "So the last time we had a talk, I said I wasn't really interested. But I kinda changed my mind..." (I caught him off guard with that.)
~ "You caught me off guard a couple weeks ago, because you always talked about how you liked being single!" Yeah, I guess I didn't think I was looking, but then the right person appeared before my eyes!
~ "I'm a lot older than you are..." I can't change my age...
~ "I've only vaguely mentioned to you my depression problem." I want to be there for you and help you with that in anyway I can. "I don't want to make it your problem; I just want you to know."
~ "I'm kind of a saving-sex-for-marriage kinda girl, so I'm not going to sleep with you." I respect that.
~ "There's a lot that we don't have in common..." That's what attracts me to you.
~ "I'm not sure if I see this being a long-term thing..." (and he didn't say anything...)
~ "One reason why I don't like relationships is because they usually get all obligation-y, and you feel like you have to act a certain way and do certain things because you're dating. I hope we can avoid that and just act naturally with each other." Yeah, that sounds good, I'm not a fan of conformity.
~ "By the way, I knit." That's cool!

No deal-breakers! So we are girlfriend/boyfriend/dating. And it felt so good and I felt so happy in his arms.

Update for Email

They "updated" the look of my email site. I was apprehensive at first; I generally don't like changes. But it's not all that different, so I guess I'm okay with it. They said the funniest thing in their explanation of some of the changes though:

We've designed Windows Live Hotmail storage to grow with you, but at a reasonable pace. That means you should have plenty of storage unless you suddenly want to store the planet Jupiter on Hotmail, in which case we'll send you a nice e-mail asking you to please not try to store planets on Windows Live Hotmail (although gradual storage of moons and asteroids is ok).

hahaha!

Survey

So I got an email survey from my school today. They wanted me to rate them and myself (for their purposes) now that I have graduated. After asking how important each of their programs are to the school's success, they started asking questions about me in an attempt to compare me to their profile of a graduating student to assess how they are doing. We didn't score so well. I'm not as good a Christian as when I first went back to school. Maybe that's not school's fault; maybe it would have happened anyways. But my perception of my growth in Christian character over the time I was in school and since is not positive.
Here's a sample of some of their statements against which I had to rate myself:
- I view everything I do as purposeful for accomplishing God's plan on earth. Not so much.
- I accept the Bible as God's Word as it informs and guides decisions in all of my activities. Although I accept the Bible as God's Word, it actually doesn't really seem so relevant to all my activities.
- (Under the topic of commitment to spiritual growth) I maintain my own emotional health. Where does that question even come from?! In fact, much of my growth during school stemmed from just the opposite of what they are implying - that careful control can be exerted over emotional health, which is necessary for spiritual growth.
- I attend and am a committed and involved member in a local church; I support the activities of my local church. Sorry guys.
But when they get around to asking, "What would you suggest we do differently or better?" I have no idea what to say.