Tonight at work there was some debate about whether "flirtatious" is actually a word. I sided with Anson against Kurt: "Of course it is!" But I came home and looked it up on Dictionary.com anyways. Yup, there it is: Flirtatious: given or inclined to flirtation; full of playful allure. Then I followed some related links and ended up coming across this hilarious blog: Awkward Things I Say To Girls. It's well written and oh so funny. I think it reminds me of Donald Miller and Relient K. And it's written by someone named Justin, which is always a good thing and which makes me wonder about my fondness for Justins.
The Dictionary.com Word of the Day was also a good one: Evanescent: liable to vanish or pass away like vapor; fleeting. That seems descriptive of so much.
Today at work my "babysitter" called in sick (but she warned me yesterday that she might, so it wasn't a shock) and I also forgot my cheat sheets at home (again), but although I was on my own I did everything really well! I even got out early! Hooray! I think I need to watch my work ethic, though, when no one else is monitoring me. I still only deserve so many breaks.
Part of my job right now is answering phones (an unfortunate part), and tonight someone called looking for a different department. He said they weren't answering, so I took a message and walked it over to them. Then on my way back I ran into a friend who was shopping! That was amazing timing - I came out just at the right time when he was there! He's the kind who's not afraid to show affection, so he gave me like seven (great) hugs, and when I asked about his girlfriend after he touched my hand he said she's doing awesome, and then he blew me a kiss as I went back to work, and before he left he gave me one final hug and said he loves me. And somehow that's okay from him, and it's okay to say "I love you" back to him even though as a rule I don't say love to boys. Running into him was a hilight of my day.
Friday, September 12, 2008
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Weekend Dilemma
Katie and Trevor both moved to the same city to go to school, and I've been promising them that I'll come visit. Next weekend (not this coming one, but the one after) seemed ideal - I'm off Sun and Mon, and I'm working Sat morning so I can come after work and spend Sat evening with them too. But unfortunately they're both coming home that weekend, so they won't be there for me to visit. I thought about going the weekend after, but Katie won't be there and I'm not sure that I'll have Mon off. Maybe I should just wait until Oct? But Oct will be busy for me, and my days off probably won't be on the weekend so that's less ideal since they're in school. So I started thinking about this weekend (even though it's also less ideal because I have a later shift on Sat)...
...Until I checked the mail yesterday. I got a letter from an out-of-town friend, letting me know among the chatter that they're having a first birthday party for her son this Sun and I am welcome if I want to come. I don't think she expects me to take her up on the invitation because she'll expect I'll be working - she won't even know I'm off. It was sweet of her to invite me anyway. And when I first read her letter I thought, "Yeah, I'm off! I'll totally come!" But... what about Katie and Trevor?
I think I'd rather hang out with Katie and Trevor. But I feel the obligation to take up my other friend's offer. I'm afraid if I don't visit them now I never will. But I also promised to try to come see her every month or so, and I guess if I don't see her now it may be quite a while until I find another chance. I guess I could go visit her on one of the other weekends, while the other guys are busy... But then I won't make it for the birthday party. She would probably never know that I could have come - she'll just think I was working - but what if she does find out? I feel like my decision is a vote for one friendship and against the other.
I'm not sure what to do. But I need to decide quick because it's four days away and I need to let people know my plans.
Update 09/12/08: I'm going to visit Katie and Trevor. They're free and I can visit my other friend another weekend.
...Until I checked the mail yesterday. I got a letter from an out-of-town friend, letting me know among the chatter that they're having a first birthday party for her son this Sun and I am welcome if I want to come. I don't think she expects me to take her up on the invitation because she'll expect I'll be working - she won't even know I'm off. It was sweet of her to invite me anyway. And when I first read her letter I thought, "Yeah, I'm off! I'll totally come!" But... what about Katie and Trevor?
I think I'd rather hang out with Katie and Trevor. But I feel the obligation to take up my other friend's offer. I'm afraid if I don't visit them now I never will. But I also promised to try to come see her every month or so, and I guess if I don't see her now it may be quite a while until I find another chance. I guess I could go visit her on one of the other weekends, while the other guys are busy... But then I won't make it for the birthday party. She would probably never know that I could have come - she'll just think I was working - but what if she does find out? I feel like my decision is a vote for one friendship and against the other.
I'm not sure what to do. But I need to decide quick because it's four days away and I need to let people know my plans.
Update 09/12/08: I'm going to visit Katie and Trevor. They're free and I can visit my other friend another weekend.
Sunday, September 7, 2008
Church
I went to church today. I've been feeling like I ought to go, and I have Sundays off right now. It was alright, pretty non-awful.
Last night I wrote, Church tomorrow. I'm not sure what to expect from the experience. I hope I wake up on time... Jesus, as I come, might I have the sense that you welcome me?
I chose the church by the company. I don't feel like I personally have strong enough ties to any particular church right now, and I didn't particularly want to be alone. But although I wanted to go with a friend, I didn't want to feel like I had to fit my experience to their expectations of me. I wanted to be able to have an honest experience, whatever that might be. Anyway, so I called up Nick last night to ask him if I could go to church with him. Although I haven't seen or really talked to him since we met, I feel comfortable being honest around him and he knows where I'm at. When I asked him what church he goes to, he made it easy by immediately asking if I wanted to come with him, and I liked that.
Church itself was okay. I succeeded at getting up on time. I felt dull and flat during the worship. I left during communion. The fellowship break was kinda neat - I knew a few other people at this church too, and then I had a conversation with another guy who was new. The sermon was presented by a visiting prophet, and although I felt wary about that, he was winsome and funny and he didn't make me mad or sad. They invited me to come to Young Adults that night and I declined. But I told Nick I'd come to church with him again next week.
I liked seeing Nick again. He is a funny funny person. After church he let me in on his secret of the day - a big hole in the crotch of his pants, and the fact that he doesn't own underwear. Then we went and had lunch with his family. And he gave me a great hug when I left and we said we should hang out.
There must be more than this...
Spirit of God, come...
Last night I wrote, Church tomorrow. I'm not sure what to expect from the experience. I hope I wake up on time... Jesus, as I come, might I have the sense that you welcome me?
I chose the church by the company. I don't feel like I personally have strong enough ties to any particular church right now, and I didn't particularly want to be alone. But although I wanted to go with a friend, I didn't want to feel like I had to fit my experience to their expectations of me. I wanted to be able to have an honest experience, whatever that might be. Anyway, so I called up Nick last night to ask him if I could go to church with him. Although I haven't seen or really talked to him since we met, I feel comfortable being honest around him and he knows where I'm at. When I asked him what church he goes to, he made it easy by immediately asking if I wanted to come with him, and I liked that.
Church itself was okay. I succeeded at getting up on time. I felt dull and flat during the worship. I left during communion. The fellowship break was kinda neat - I knew a few other people at this church too, and then I had a conversation with another guy who was new. The sermon was presented by a visiting prophet, and although I felt wary about that, he was winsome and funny and he didn't make me mad or sad. They invited me to come to Young Adults that night and I declined. But I told Nick I'd come to church with him again next week.
I liked seeing Nick again. He is a funny funny person. After church he let me in on his secret of the day - a big hole in the crotch of his pants, and the fact that he doesn't own underwear. Then we went and had lunch with his family. And he gave me a great hug when I left and we said we should hang out.
There must be more than this...
Spirit of God, come...
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Thoughts on Vault
I think I have developed a sensitivity to hand sanitizer. I noticed today that I instantly developed a headache after using it. I've had a lot of headaches lately, and I've used a lot of hand sanitizer lately - for good reasons. Not only am I working with money (which is gross) these days, but I have a cold and the girl training me has a son with immune deficiencies so she can't get sick. Good thing I'm getting better, 'cause the headaches aren't fun.
Working in the vault is good. I'm learning quickly and feeling confident. Yesterday (my third day) I forgot all my cheat sheets at home so I did the job without notes with relative success. My trainer basically leaves me to do the job by myself, because I can, and she says I'm already as good as the other girl who's being doing it for a year. Of course, I haven't done mornings yet, and they say that's a lot harder. But I still have another week on nights, and I think my trainer's going to get pretty bored.
It's amazing how much money can fit into a small amount of space. The value of money is outstanding compared to its size. A bundle of hundreds, less than an inch thick, is $10 000. Crazy! In a slow moment yesterday I was sitting in the chair just looking at the safe, realizing how much was in there despite the fact that it looked quite empty.
My mental capacity for numbers is stretching. I'm good with the thousand range, but I have a hard time thinking in the ten-thousands. I think that 12 000 plus 200 is 14 000. But it's not. And I'm learning that. I'm also getting good at dividing by five. For instance, I know that 35 twenties is $700, 60 twenties is $1200, etc. I'm better at dividing by five than by two it turns out - fifties provide mental gymnastics for me. Like, 37 fifties... huh?
So far I don't mind the isolation. I'm not completely alone because my trainer's around. The vault is peaceful. When I leave for an errand or a break, it feels like I am waking from a nap. "There's people! There's noise and bustle! It's bright! Strange." I don't miss the people all that much yet, because most of the good ones are gone anyway. But there's a lot of transition going on in my department right now though - a new manager and a bunch of new staff - and it's weird being gone for it.
Working in the vault is good. I'm learning quickly and feeling confident. Yesterday (my third day) I forgot all my cheat sheets at home so I did the job without notes with relative success. My trainer basically leaves me to do the job by myself, because I can, and she says I'm already as good as the other girl who's being doing it for a year. Of course, I haven't done mornings yet, and they say that's a lot harder. But I still have another week on nights, and I think my trainer's going to get pretty bored.
It's amazing how much money can fit into a small amount of space. The value of money is outstanding compared to its size. A bundle of hundreds, less than an inch thick, is $10 000. Crazy! In a slow moment yesterday I was sitting in the chair just looking at the safe, realizing how much was in there despite the fact that it looked quite empty.
My mental capacity for numbers is stretching. I'm good with the thousand range, but I have a hard time thinking in the ten-thousands. I think that 12 000 plus 200 is 14 000. But it's not. And I'm learning that. I'm also getting good at dividing by five. For instance, I know that 35 twenties is $700, 60 twenties is $1200, etc. I'm better at dividing by five than by two it turns out - fifties provide mental gymnastics for me. Like, 37 fifties... huh?
So far I don't mind the isolation. I'm not completely alone because my trainer's around. The vault is peaceful. When I leave for an errand or a break, it feels like I am waking from a nap. "There's people! There's noise and bustle! It's bright! Strange." I don't miss the people all that much yet, because most of the good ones are gone anyway. But there's a lot of transition going on in my department right now though - a new manager and a bunch of new staff - and it's weird being gone for it.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Glimpsing
Last night I sat in the hot springs, and I spent a few minutes observing the people walking by. The people who passed were later in life and had many years behind them. I thought about their lives, tried to glimpse inside and imagine what might be there. The joys; the pains. Everyone's life is so full.
Most people have fallen in love. Most have had their hearts broken. Everyone who is married has had a wedding day, with flowers and parents and promises and hopes. And fights and arguments and frustrations. Everyone who has children has had the joy (and perhaps uncertainty) of discovering they would be having a baby, has gone through childbirth, has brought that baby home from the hospital, has sent them off to the first day of school, has sent them off to become adults (has or will). Many have had miscarriages or lost children, or felt the panic of worry even though everything turned out fine. Dreams and disappointments. Flowers and thorns. Contentment and angst.
This song makes me think of the depth and expanse of every ordinary life:
Most people have fallen in love. Most have had their hearts broken. Everyone who is married has had a wedding day, with flowers and parents and promises and hopes. And fights and arguments and frustrations. Everyone who has children has had the joy (and perhaps uncertainty) of discovering they would be having a baby, has gone through childbirth, has brought that baby home from the hospital, has sent them off to the first day of school, has sent them off to become adults (has or will). Many have had miscarriages or lost children, or felt the panic of worry even though everything turned out fine. Dreams and disappointments. Flowers and thorns. Contentment and angst.
This song makes me think of the depth and expanse of every ordinary life:
Alan Jackson, Remember When
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Day Of(f) Movies
Phone call:
p: so what are you up to today?
m: well, you invited me over to watch movies.
p: yeah! great! when are you coming?
m: well, i want to warn you that i caught a cold. i don't want to make you sick, so i don't have to come...
p: don't worry about that! just come over!
So I did. And we had a great afternoon. When I got there he had made chicken noodle soup ('cause I was sick) and sandwiches, and we drank coke and watched a movie on his fantastically large television. When that was was finished we were going to pop in another one, but instead we just started talking. Five hours after arriving, I left with a smile in my heart.
We spoke honestly. He's good at conversation and not afraid to say stuff, and that makes me less reticent to talk too. I mentioned my depression. He told me it sounds like I'm more than just friends with another guy friend because of how I talked about him (although that doesn't mean "relationship"). We talked about our friendship. He calls me a friend, and he's cautious with that word so it means a lot. I guess the people at work are a little intrigued by the fact that we are hanging out, and figure it must be leading to more. We clarified that it's not, and although I didn't think it was, it is nice to know I wasn't just being naive. He invited me to call him when I need some company, even if it's late.
P.S. Is the title of this post clear? Day Off/Day of Movies? Ordinarily I think puns and double entendres and that sort of thing are lame, but that seems to be what I often resort to when I title blog posts.
p: so what are you up to today?
m: well, you invited me over to watch movies.
p: yeah! great! when are you coming?
m: well, i want to warn you that i caught a cold. i don't want to make you sick, so i don't have to come...
p: don't worry about that! just come over!
So I did. And we had a great afternoon. When I got there he had made chicken noodle soup ('cause I was sick) and sandwiches, and we drank coke and watched a movie on his fantastically large television. When that was was finished we were going to pop in another one, but instead we just started talking. Five hours after arriving, I left with a smile in my heart.
We spoke honestly. He's good at conversation and not afraid to say stuff, and that makes me less reticent to talk too. I mentioned my depression. He told me it sounds like I'm more than just friends with another guy friend because of how I talked about him (although that doesn't mean "relationship"). We talked about our friendship. He calls me a friend, and he's cautious with that word so it means a lot. I guess the people at work are a little intrigued by the fact that we are hanging out, and figure it must be leading to more. We clarified that it's not, and although I didn't think it was, it is nice to know I wasn't just being naive. He invited me to call him when I need some company, even if it's late.
P.S. Is the title of this post clear? Day Off/Day of Movies? Ordinarily I think puns and double entendres and that sort of thing are lame, but that seems to be what I often resort to when I title blog posts.
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Work News
This was an insane day at work. In half an hour, our door count was 490. My manager guessed that we were probably over our store's maximum capacity. We had all 18 tills open most of the day.
I was a little insulated from all the craziness because I was doing the audit. But I had a little craziness of my own in the form of a special project that made me neglect my audit, so it just piled up. It took me an hour and a half after the store closed to catch up.
It was Nadia's last day today, and midway through the day one of our managers asked me if we planned anything for her, and (when I said we hadn't) he asked if I would be willing to pull something together. This meant finding a card, getting everyone to sign that card, collecting money, deciding what to do with that money, pulling pies, setting things up, and being there for a little Nadia party in the office - all in three hours while doing the audit. I didn't really want to do it, but I couldn't say no because it was for Nadia. It turned out well though. She was surprised and happy and sad. I will miss her.
Nadia wrote me a nice card, which was really sweet of her. She said sweet things and used inside jokes that touched my heart.
Next week I start crosstraining in the Vault. This has been my goal for five years, and now that I finally get the chance to do it, I'm not so sure it's what I want. True, it'll be cool to learn something new and to be trusted with lots of money and responsibility. And I won't have to deal with customers (except on the phone, boo). But I think I'll miss my coworkers! I really look forward to working with (some of) them everyday, but now I'll work all alone. Plus, I'm not sure when I'll return. It's not a permanent position - I'm just getting trained - but they're going to be really short staffed in there so they might keep me. My manager indicated that it might be a while, and I saw an email saying I am "crosstraining in the vault until... ?" That sounds pretty indefinite.
Maybe the space from work friends will be okay for me. Many have left already anyways (Katie and Nadia in particular). The space will hopefully give me some perspective, and help me reassess all my friendships. Plus, not seeing each other so much at work might motivate us to build a friendship outside of work, help us become real friends beyond just work friends. I'm just afraid Justin will quit while I'm gone, everyone will forget about me, and I will end up with no friends left at work. But that sounds like ungrounded pessimism (except the part about Justin possibly quitting).
A compliment: Anson was sad when I reminded him that I'm going to the vault. I pointed out that this means he'll probably get more supervisor shifts, and he said that he'd rather have me around than get the extra money. Aw!
I was a little insulated from all the craziness because I was doing the audit. But I had a little craziness of my own in the form of a special project that made me neglect my audit, so it just piled up. It took me an hour and a half after the store closed to catch up.
It was Nadia's last day today, and midway through the day one of our managers asked me if we planned anything for her, and (when I said we hadn't) he asked if I would be willing to pull something together. This meant finding a card, getting everyone to sign that card, collecting money, deciding what to do with that money, pulling pies, setting things up, and being there for a little Nadia party in the office - all in three hours while doing the audit. I didn't really want to do it, but I couldn't say no because it was for Nadia. It turned out well though. She was surprised and happy and sad. I will miss her.
Nadia wrote me a nice card, which was really sweet of her. She said sweet things and used inside jokes that touched my heart.
Michelle Tanner,
I honestly don't know how I would have survived my work experience without you. You always made everything so much brighter and I hope you know how much I appreciate your friendship. I'm really sad to be saying goodbye to so many great people, and it's definitely going to be hardest to say goodbye to you!
So let's not. Let's still hang out and talk and be really good friends and bake Christmas cookies. Ok?
I don't want to lose your friendship because of my employment status because you're very near and dear to my heart.
Don't be sad. I'm sad enough for the both of us.
And I'll always be around if you need me!
Love, love, love,
Nadia Fasquiggle
(I tried to make it squiggly, but it didn't work, so it just looks messy. Sand times.)
Next week I start crosstraining in the Vault. This has been my goal for five years, and now that I finally get the chance to do it, I'm not so sure it's what I want. True, it'll be cool to learn something new and to be trusted with lots of money and responsibility. And I won't have to deal with customers (except on the phone, boo). But I think I'll miss my coworkers! I really look forward to working with (some of) them everyday, but now I'll work all alone. Plus, I'm not sure when I'll return. It's not a permanent position - I'm just getting trained - but they're going to be really short staffed in there so they might keep me. My manager indicated that it might be a while, and I saw an email saying I am "crosstraining in the vault until... ?" That sounds pretty indefinite.
Maybe the space from work friends will be okay for me. Many have left already anyways (Katie and Nadia in particular). The space will hopefully give me some perspective, and help me reassess all my friendships. Plus, not seeing each other so much at work might motivate us to build a friendship outside of work, help us become real friends beyond just work friends. I'm just afraid Justin will quit while I'm gone, everyone will forget about me, and I will end up with no friends left at work. But that sounds like ungrounded pessimism (except the part about Justin possibly quitting).
A compliment: Anson was sad when I reminded him that I'm going to the vault. I pointed out that this means he'll probably get more supervisor shifts, and he said that he'd rather have me around than get the extra money. Aw!
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Burgundy is for Breaking Up
I found myself wearing break-up clothes today. My brown hoody, a mens small that is huge on me, which I bought after I broke up with my last boyfriend because I wanted to have a guy's sweater to wear without having to have a guy. Dark jeans and a burgundy t-shirt, just like what I wore the day after my second last boyfriend broke up with me and it rained. Although these are different jeans and a different t-shirt (because that was six years ago), and although I really like the combination and burgundy is a great color, I associated it with breaking up when I put it on today. And the strange part is that I thought about that.
Who am I breaking up with now? God?
Maybe it's okay? Maybe the breaking is breaking into a new phase of my relationship with God? Maybe it's growth? The chick can't hatch unless the egg shell breaks.
I hope that's the right interpretation. I feel like I can never be sure.
I saw this card in a store and bought it for myself:
Who am I breaking up with now? God?
Maybe it's okay? Maybe the breaking is breaking into a new phase of my relationship with God? Maybe it's growth? The chick can't hatch unless the egg shell breaks.
I hope that's the right interpretation. I feel like I can never be sure.
I saw this card in a store and bought it for myself:
Friday, August 29, 2008
Past and Plans
I noticed yesterday that I am really really uncomfortable with past phases of my life. Most recently, I am really uncomfortable with my school. I had noticed this a little when I saw acquaintances connected with the school, and I felt it quite acutely when I visited its website.
This explains some things. Why I (almost) never go back to places I've worked. Why I feel so avoidant of old friends.
Why am I uncomfortable? I feel socially awkward. "I don't belong here anymore." And the hurts and disappointments from that time rise to the surface and overpower the pleasant memories. Also, I change, and the current me is different and not necessarily better than the person I was then, and I am uncomfortable with that.
I didn't expect this. I know that I am uncomfortable with many phases of my past, but I didn't realize it happens this quickly, this regularly. I planned to remain involved in my school this year, although I graduated. I planned to help out with Greek and to audit a course on the Theology of Marriage. I was excited about these things. Then I heard the Theology course was cancelled and I was disappointed, but now I am surprised and discomforted to discover it's still on. And to realize that school starts next week and I haven't contacted the Greek prof to discuss how I could be involved in that. (And I haven't touched my Greek at all this summer.) I haven't talked to work about whether I can have Monday, Wednesday and Friday mornings off, and my schedule is really inflexible (and includes straight mornings) for the next couple weeks. I don't want to go have all the conversations necessary to make these things happen, nor do I have time, and I'd miss the first few weeks of everything anyways. It would be easier to just not do it. Plus, I still owe a research project to another prof, and not only have I not finished it but I do not want to do it. However, I feel like I can't do anything else pertaining to school while that is on my plate. I don't know what to do. Avoid them all forever?
I've noticed that I rarely follow through on plans for big things that I intend to do. I'm not proud of the list that has accumulated over the last few years: an Adolescent Spirituality summer class at U of T, a Church Fathers summer class at Regent, Quebec this spring and summer and fall. Now involvement in Greek and a Marriage class. The plans are easy enough to make, but when it comes to executing them it seems much too hard and I decide I'd rather give up. Hopefully this pattern doesn't extend to a trip east I'm planning to visit a friend next month. I'd better buy those plane tickets soon, and thus commit myself.
This explains some things. Why I (almost) never go back to places I've worked. Why I feel so avoidant of old friends.
Why am I uncomfortable? I feel socially awkward. "I don't belong here anymore." And the hurts and disappointments from that time rise to the surface and overpower the pleasant memories. Also, I change, and the current me is different and not necessarily better than the person I was then, and I am uncomfortable with that.
I didn't expect this. I know that I am uncomfortable with many phases of my past, but I didn't realize it happens this quickly, this regularly. I planned to remain involved in my school this year, although I graduated. I planned to help out with Greek and to audit a course on the Theology of Marriage. I was excited about these things. Then I heard the Theology course was cancelled and I was disappointed, but now I am surprised and discomforted to discover it's still on. And to realize that school starts next week and I haven't contacted the Greek prof to discuss how I could be involved in that. (And I haven't touched my Greek at all this summer.) I haven't talked to work about whether I can have Monday, Wednesday and Friday mornings off, and my schedule is really inflexible (and includes straight mornings) for the next couple weeks. I don't want to go have all the conversations necessary to make these things happen, nor do I have time, and I'd miss the first few weeks of everything anyways. It would be easier to just not do it. Plus, I still owe a research project to another prof, and not only have I not finished it but I do not want to do it. However, I feel like I can't do anything else pertaining to school while that is on my plate. I don't know what to do. Avoid them all forever?
I've noticed that I rarely follow through on plans for big things that I intend to do. I'm not proud of the list that has accumulated over the last few years: an Adolescent Spirituality summer class at U of T, a Church Fathers summer class at Regent, Quebec this spring and summer and fall. Now involvement in Greek and a Marriage class. The plans are easy enough to make, but when it comes to executing them it seems much too hard and I decide I'd rather give up. Hopefully this pattern doesn't extend to a trip east I'm planning to visit a friend next month. I'd better buy those plane tickets soon, and thus commit myself.
Friendship Woes
I'm planning to visit a friend in Ontario in October. But... I'm not sure that I have any friends left who are close enough that I could impose on upon them to drive me to the airport. That makes me sad.
I find myself suspicious of my school friendships. I feel hurt by the distance that's grown between us over the summer, the result of not seeing each other much, them not being free when I hoped we could hang out, and my guardedness when we have been together.
Instead I've focused on work friendships. But these are new friendships, in early stages of development. And they're all leaving. It feels futile.
Lonely.
Guess what Perry! You're one of the only ones I trust to be my friend right now.
I find myself suspicious of my school friendships. I feel hurt by the distance that's grown between us over the summer, the result of not seeing each other much, them not being free when I hoped we could hang out, and my guardedness when we have been together.
Instead I've focused on work friendships. But these are new friendships, in early stages of development. And they're all leaving. It feels futile.
Lonely.
Guess what Perry! You're one of the only ones I trust to be my friend right now.
Retreat
So... I'm thinking of making my blog private. Changing the address so no one can find it. It'd be easy. Probably wouldn't last forever, just for a while. See, I don't want to worry people, but I do want to be honest. And honestly, I don't feel safe with my friends right now.
But I guess I should think about this for a few days before I do it. It's a bit of a big step, and maybe I'll soon change my mind.
But I guess I should think about this for a few days before I do it. It's a bit of a big step, and maybe I'll soon change my mind.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Double Feature
#1 Dinner and Cirque du Soliel with Patrick.
This was great. Good conversation and a great show. He is very respectful, very much a gentleman. At the end of the night he voiced hopes to hang out more (and I know he's not trying to get a relationship out of this). I'd be open to hanging out more (although I wish Katie wasn't leaving so she could be there too). It's nice to have a generous, interesting friend.
Maybe I should have gone home at that point.
#2 Goodbye-ish Drinking Party.
I knew that Katie and Nadia were going out drinking (an uncommon thing for them) as a sort of a goodbye party, and that we were invited. I checked their message on the way home from Patrick's, and I decided to go although it was getting late because they are important to me and they were nearby. I met them and three other guys at the pub, and when that closed down we went to Brandon's house.
I felt lonely in the middle of a crowd. Different. Dull and not fun. Sad. I wasn't drinking, and I was overdressed.
They rejoiced about leaving, which made me sad because I'm staying and losing my best friends at work. They promised we'll stay friends and continue hanging out, but I feel doubtful... I'm sad that they're leaving, and it hurts that they're happy to leave.
Justin said he hates his life. He lives with his parents, hates his job, and has no money. And I feel sad for him. I want to do something, I want to fix it, but I can't. I'm not much more satisfied than he is. I don't even know how to talk about it more with him. And it hurts a bit that he hates the thing we have in common - our workplace.
I don't know if I trust them to care about me when I'm not okay. I don't know if I've earned their friendship enough yet to reveal my cracks - if I've earned enough faithfulness to allow myself to be a little high maintenance. Will authenticity just scare them away? Why can't I trust that they care?
There are some people at work that I do trust to care. And more people probably care more than I think they do. But I remember experiences from the past when I hoped people cared more than they seemed to in the end. I guess that makes me wary.
When I mentioned not being okay tonight, Justin put his arm around me and we sat like that for a while. That was nice. I needed attention and touch.
Maybe the answer is drinking. When you're drinking you can flirt, cuddle, and get all the attention you want, and everyone blames the alcohol and thinks nothing of it the next day. I feel like being sober separated me from them in more ways than one. But... I don't want to be insincere to them, and I don't want my actions to betray my general intentions. I feel like this was a whole different culture, where closeness and intimacy are completely acceptable, and I don't understand how to function there.
It felt like my soul was empty. Silently I said, "I want you, Jesus." Alas.
I don't think I want to do this anymore...
======
Tomorrow, can you give me joy and a reason to like life?
This was great. Good conversation and a great show. He is very respectful, very much a gentleman. At the end of the night he voiced hopes to hang out more (and I know he's not trying to get a relationship out of this). I'd be open to hanging out more (although I wish Katie wasn't leaving so she could be there too). It's nice to have a generous, interesting friend.
Maybe I should have gone home at that point.
#2 Goodbye-ish Drinking Party.
I knew that Katie and Nadia were going out drinking (an uncommon thing for them) as a sort of a goodbye party, and that we were invited. I checked their message on the way home from Patrick's, and I decided to go although it was getting late because they are important to me and they were nearby. I met them and three other guys at the pub, and when that closed down we went to Brandon's house.
I felt lonely in the middle of a crowd. Different. Dull and not fun. Sad. I wasn't drinking, and I was overdressed.
They rejoiced about leaving, which made me sad because I'm staying and losing my best friends at work. They promised we'll stay friends and continue hanging out, but I feel doubtful... I'm sad that they're leaving, and it hurts that they're happy to leave.
Justin said he hates his life. He lives with his parents, hates his job, and has no money. And I feel sad for him. I want to do something, I want to fix it, but I can't. I'm not much more satisfied than he is. I don't even know how to talk about it more with him. And it hurts a bit that he hates the thing we have in common - our workplace.
I don't know if I trust them to care about me when I'm not okay. I don't know if I've earned their friendship enough yet to reveal my cracks - if I've earned enough faithfulness to allow myself to be a little high maintenance. Will authenticity just scare them away? Why can't I trust that they care?
There are some people at work that I do trust to care. And more people probably care more than I think they do. But I remember experiences from the past when I hoped people cared more than they seemed to in the end. I guess that makes me wary.
When I mentioned not being okay tonight, Justin put his arm around me and we sat like that for a while. That was nice. I needed attention and touch.
Maybe the answer is drinking. When you're drinking you can flirt, cuddle, and get all the attention you want, and everyone blames the alcohol and thinks nothing of it the next day. I feel like being sober separated me from them in more ways than one. But... I don't want to be insincere to them, and I don't want my actions to betray my general intentions. I feel like this was a whole different culture, where closeness and intimacy are completely acceptable, and I don't understand how to function there.
It felt like my soul was empty. Silently I said, "I want you, Jesus." Alas.
I don't think I want to do this anymore...
======
Tomorrow, can you give me joy and a reason to like life?
Monday, August 25, 2008
Weekend
Oh so tired. Here's a little recap of the weekend:
~ I got three hours of sleep last night. That's because I had to work at 6:00 this morning, and I wasn't smart/disciplined enough to get to bed until two in the morning. So now I've been up for nineteen hours.
~ This weekend was inventory - and I didn't have to work it! I had a day shift. I was done right about the time everyone started counting, and as I saw a friend on the way out he said to me, "I'm jealous" - and I said the same thing to him. I like inventory - it's completely different than the tasks we do the rest of the time, and it's a chance to see friends from other departments that I rarely get a chance to see. I felt lonely and sad as I left. But then Katie and I went for dinner, and that cheered me up. (She always makes me feel better... but what will I do when she's gone?) And this morning I did post-audit (researching the variances between what we counted and what we should have), so I didn't miss out on inventory all together.
~ This afternoon after we got off work, Katie and I went to Patrick's place and hung out with him for a bit, enjoying his hot tub. We were going to go floating down the river together today, but it wasn't as nice as we hoped, we were so tired, and we didn't really have enough time, so we modified the plans. It was really nice to sit and relax and enjoy some good conversation. On Tues, Patrick and I are going to Cirque du Soliel together.
~ Then tonight I hosted an Ice Cream Farewell Party for three of my parting coworkers: Trevor, Jane and Brydon. Originally it was supposed to be a Bowling Party I was helping Nathan plan, but then he had to work extra late so I was left to do it by myself. And that was no good - I cannot plan a bowling party. I didn't know what to do and it was really stressing me out. Finally I decided to make it an ice cream party and have people over - I can do that. But I left the inviting to the last minute and I wasn't sure how it would turn out and whether anyone would come... I couldn't wait to get it over with. It turned out alright though. We had ten people here (including me and the three leave-ers), and I must admit it was a bit of a strange assortment who came (Katie, Justin, Jen A, Iain, Jerr and Josh). Still, I think the people the party was for liked it enough, and I am satisfied.
~ I got three hours of sleep last night. That's because I had to work at 6:00 this morning, and I wasn't smart/disciplined enough to get to bed until two in the morning. So now I've been up for nineteen hours.
~ This weekend was inventory - and I didn't have to work it! I had a day shift. I was done right about the time everyone started counting, and as I saw a friend on the way out he said to me, "I'm jealous" - and I said the same thing to him. I like inventory - it's completely different than the tasks we do the rest of the time, and it's a chance to see friends from other departments that I rarely get a chance to see. I felt lonely and sad as I left. But then Katie and I went for dinner, and that cheered me up. (She always makes me feel better... but what will I do when she's gone?) And this morning I did post-audit (researching the variances between what we counted and what we should have), so I didn't miss out on inventory all together.
~ This afternoon after we got off work, Katie and I went to Patrick's place and hung out with him for a bit, enjoying his hot tub. We were going to go floating down the river together today, but it wasn't as nice as we hoped, we were so tired, and we didn't really have enough time, so we modified the plans. It was really nice to sit and relax and enjoy some good conversation. On Tues, Patrick and I are going to Cirque du Soliel together.
~ Then tonight I hosted an Ice Cream Farewell Party for three of my parting coworkers: Trevor, Jane and Brydon. Originally it was supposed to be a Bowling Party I was helping Nathan plan, but then he had to work extra late so I was left to do it by myself. And that was no good - I cannot plan a bowling party. I didn't know what to do and it was really stressing me out. Finally I decided to make it an ice cream party and have people over - I can do that. But I left the inviting to the last minute and I wasn't sure how it would turn out and whether anyone would come... I couldn't wait to get it over with. It turned out alright though. We had ten people here (including me and the three leave-ers), and I must admit it was a bit of a strange assortment who came (Katie, Justin, Jen A, Iain, Jerr and Josh). Still, I think the people the party was for liked it enough, and I am satisfied.
Friday, August 22, 2008
Rain
I never liked the rain until I walked through it with you.
That was the first line in a song on the radio on my way home in the rain today. I liked it.
It reminded me of the beginning of Blue Like Jazz: "I never liked jazz music because jazz music doesn't resolve. But I was outside the Bagdad Theater in Portland one night when I saw a man playing the saxophone. I stood there for fifteen minutes, and he never opened his eyes. After that I liked jazz music. Sometimes you have to watch somebody love something before you can love it yourself. It is as if they are showing you the way."
And sometimes you need to share an experience with someone before you can love it. Maybe the substance of life is the relationships that give meaning to the experiences. And maybe our company reeems the situations that would otherwise be less than ideal.
I never liked the rain until I walked through it with you.
Jesus, be near. Help me to see that you walk in the rain with me, that I might like the rain because of your presence.
That was the first line in a song on the radio on my way home in the rain today. I liked it.
It reminded me of the beginning of Blue Like Jazz: "I never liked jazz music because jazz music doesn't resolve. But I was outside the Bagdad Theater in Portland one night when I saw a man playing the saxophone. I stood there for fifteen minutes, and he never opened his eyes. After that I liked jazz music. Sometimes you have to watch somebody love something before you can love it yourself. It is as if they are showing you the way."
And sometimes you need to share an experience with someone before you can love it. Maybe the substance of life is the relationships that give meaning to the experiences. And maybe our company reeems the situations that would otherwise be less than ideal.
I never liked the rain until I walked through it with you.
Jesus, be near. Help me to see that you walk in the rain with me, that I might like the rain because of your presence.
Credits: Clint Black, "Like the Rain"; Donald Miller, "Blue Like Jazz," ix
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