Cynical

Tonight after the choir event, you called out, "Bye Michelle! Love ya!" when I left our dressing room. I didn't say anything in response; I just kinda laughed and continued walking out the door.

I don't believe you. You don't love me. You don't know me enough to love me, and I haven't shown you enough loveable qualities. And if you did mean something by what you said, if your words weren't completely flippant and empty, then your love is cheap. What on earth did you mean?

The other people noticed that I didn't say anything back, and I heard them make a comment as I left. Now I look like the troll who obviously doesn't love you. Maybe I should have said something like "Ditto" - it means almost nothing, but it fills the telling silence.

It was a bad night.

Girl Blitz

Tonight was a Blitz night, but actually we didn't end up playing Blitz or any card games at all. A couple of the boys went out of town, so since it was mostly just girls left we decided to dress up fancy - it's nice to have an opportunity to do so - and go out for dinner. It turned out to just be three of us, but it was great. We looked hot, and we went for pasta, and then we came home and lounged in our dresses in my living room, eating chocolate and watching Yentl. We talked about the experience of being women for a bit afterwards, until my friends realized it was late and they had to get home. I felt so grateful for their presence and their friendship. Thank you, Friends. I value you so much.

Good Book (on Tape)

This book is worth the experience. Andrew Solomon tells the story of his major depression, as well as the experiences of others, with honesty and candour. It's not always pretty, but it's valuable to see into another person's life. And despite some of the awfulness he talks about, there is much wise reflection, and there are other parts that are so funny. At times I nodded and hmmm'ed; at other times I actually laughed out loud.
Here are some of my favorites:

When I began to experience anxiety and major depression the second time around, while I was still in the shadow of my first depression, I recognized what was happening... I knew about three days ahead of time that I was heading for rock bottom... I warned my father. I tried to make the practical arrangements. Losing your mind, like losing your car keys, is a real hassle. Out of the terror I heard my voice holding on tight to irony when friends called. "I'm sorry, I'll have to cancel Tuesday," I said. "I'm afraid of lamb chops again."

In the wake of my prior publications on depression, I have received hundreds of letters from people in nine different countries and most of the fifty states who, touchingly, have wanted to let me know about alternative treatments. One woman from Michigan wrote that after years of trying every medication she had finally found the true solution, which was "doing things with yar n."...
My experience is that no one, no matter how lunatic he may seem at first glance, is completely off base. Many people achieve astonishingly good results with batty sounding projects...
It is my absolute belief that in the field of depression there is no such thing as a placebo. If you have cancer and try an exotic treatment and then you think you are better, you may well be wrong. If you have depression and try an exotic treatment and think you are better, then you are better. Depression is a disease of thought processes and emotions, and if something changes your thought processes and emotions in the correct direction, that qualifies as a recovery.

Great misery does not make me suicidal, but occasionally in a depression something small will overwhelm me and I get a ridiculous feeling. There are too many dirty dishes in this kitchen, and I don't have the stamina to clean them. Perhaps I will just kill myself!

Topic

I chose a topic for the NT Backgrounds presentation I have coming up in a couple weeks! We have to choose an ancient Jewish writing (such as something from the Pseudepigrapha), and I was having a hard time because nothing seemed to catch my fancy. But tonight I did some more seeking, and I came across The Testament of Job. It looks pretty exciting - the story of Job from his own perspective, with some added details, different theological emphases, and some craziness too. This should be fun!

Shrove

Today we had a Pancake Feast together. That's the tradition in my major - Shrove Tuesday is our most distinctive celebration. We have pancakes for supper with all the good toppings, upstairs in the staff lounge at school before the evening class. (We make the whole school smell like bacon, hehe, and I think I can still smell it in my hair too.) It almost didn't happen this year - our community has evolved because we've lost a lot of what used to be the core group and gained new people who are unfamiliar with our tradition. That and Easter is early this year, so Shrove Tuesday snuck up on us. Only about half the group came for pancakes, which was alright but different than it used to be. People brought guests this year too, which is again different than it used to be but in a good way. As I compare the way our group is with the way it has been I notice all the ways that community is waning, but I also see that even in our Golden Age not all aspects of the community were healthy so some changes were necessary.

To be honest, I felt really uncomfortable tonight, especially as we just hung out before the food was ready. As I drove home I tried to find the words and reasons to define it, but they eluded me. Some attempts: socially awkward, nothing to say, dull, outside, conspicuous, angst, distraughtness of soul, longing. ...I don't know exactly what I felt and I don't know why and I don't know what it means. I don't think it was just me because I was fine when I got there. But I know this isn't a new feeling: I'd kinda forgotten about it, but it's something I've felt for a couple years in many gatherings with my major... I've never known what to think about that.

Thus begins Lent. I was thinking of this last night while I was falling asleep, asking if/how I might be called to observe it this year. I remembered how excited I was to learn about the Lent tradition many years ago. Over the years I've given up meat, chocolate, pop, and knitting - but I haven't always found this experience of fasting to be valuable. I usually complained a lot, and I'd just end up replacing what I was giving up with an alternate vice. In recent years I've seen my capacity for discipline seriously decline, and last year I felt that it would be better just to not observe Lent. I kind of expected the same thing this year, but I thought I'd ask anyways. And I think I got a small answer. Praying the Lord's Prayer daily. It's small, but maybe it's small enough to avoid arousing my rebellion against discipline? I also found a Lent devotional by Evelyn Underhill at the used bookstore yesterday, so we'll see if I can keep up with that.
Jesus, help? I want to seek you...

Christ died for my sins. That makes absolutely no sense to me.

Trevor and faith

Today at work it was insane. We're so short on staff. I spent most of the day on till. But that was fine - I'm good at that job. At one point I had Trevor packing for me. I really enjoy Trevor (although I never feel confident that I have his name right... awkward!) We hit it off a few weeks ago when I couldn't talk, and since then we say hi at every opportunity and he gives me hi-fives. He's (quite obviously) seventeen and still in high school, but he's a lot of fun to have around. (What's with the seventeen year old boys being great?)

While Trevor was packing for me, I noticed that he wears a WWJD bracelet. That's not the fad anymore (is it?), so he must do it because it means something to him. I wanted to ask him about it, but it wasn't the time or the place to have such a conversation.

I also hesitated to bring up religion with Trevor because I would inevitably have to share my position. And I don't know what to say about myself. "Me too....But I don't go to church or read the Bible or pray very much or even love God." What makes someone a Christian? And do I still qualify?

As I thought about this tonight I found myself articulating that I'm not happy to be a Christian. I think that's because I'm not really happy at all. On a similar note, I don't feel proud of being a Christian. And I don't think that's because I'm ashamed of Jesus - I think it's that I'm ashamed of myself. I don't feel like I am a very good witness to Christ, and so for God's sake I kinda hesitate to associate myself with him. My car doesn't have a Jesus fish on it because I don't want my lapses in driving courtesy to reflect on God. I'm not eager to tell people I'm a Christian because I don't fit the definition very well. (Unfortunately it comes up all the time since I'm pursuing a Christian education. "What are you taking in school?!" they ask.) So much of my experience doesn't fit what seems to be either the ideal or the norm, and I'm not comfortable with that in a setting where they won't understand.

I don't have the faith or religious outlook of a nineteen year old anymore. I remember how excited I used to be to find out that people I went to school with or worked with had any leanings towards Christianity. I rejoiced in that knowledge, and I thought that gave us a special bond. I prayed regularly for the salvation of those who didn't know Christ. But over the years things have gotten really fuzzy. I've met so many wonderful non-Christians and so many Christians that I don't get along with. I build friendships more based on intangible connection than on religious agreement. Plus, my own dismal path has caused me to question everyone else's sincerity too. And if Trevor's anything like I was around that age, he won't understand where I'm at at all. I wonder if it might be better to remain a great pagan girl to him than to reveal myself as an apathetic Christian. If I do tell him I'm a Christian too, can I be honest about that or do I need to start putting rosy faith coloured glasses on everything? I feel like I can be myself better around my acquaintances if I leave religion out of it.

I prayed for Trevor tonight:
God, would you encourage his faith.
Can I encourage his faith???
Maybe he needs to be an encouragement to my faith.

My Recommendation

This is the most amazing honey packaging I have ever seen. If you're going to buy honey, buy this kind. There are so many good features! First, it sits with the lid down, so the honey stays near the end that it squirts out of. That way you don't need to wait for the honey to creep down the bottle towards the opening. "But if it sits that way," you may ask, "doesn't it leak all over?" No, not at all! That's because it has an amazing non-leak valve spout like those Powerade bottles! And not only does it not leak in the cupboard, but it doesn't leak when you're using it either. It stops squirting as soon as you stop squeezing - no more waiting for the trail of honey to end, and no more sticky honey all over. Last year I took this on choir tour with me - two and a half weeks on a bus in my carry on bag, and it didn't disappoint me once. I've found it at Superstore, and then today I also found it at Safeway. There they have three flavors: regular honey, clover honey, and blueberry honey! They were on sale, so I went a little overboard and bought all three. Now my honey needs are satisfied.

FrankenQwerty

Long ago we used specialized keyboards for our computers at work. I’m not sure why, but many of the peripheral keys were in different places. Then when the keyboards needed to be replaced we decided to just get regular ones, but by then people were used to reaching for certain keys to perform certain functions, so we reprogrammed the keyboards to act like the old ones did. So enter means tab, the bottom right control functions as enter, and the bottom left control is reset. It’s confusing for people who are starting to learn our computer system. And when I start pushing control on my laptop and expecting it to mean enter, it’s an indication to me that I’ve been spending too much time at work.
Since I got supervisor powers, I’ve also had access to the other computer system at work – the brain of the store called EDP. For the most part the keyboard to that computer functions normally (when you push enter you get enter), but it has a few different quirks. Alt SysRq is a big thing there, and to scroll down you need to push shift 3. Today I found myself at home, trying to scroll down and looking for the shift key before I realized that this is the wrong computer for that!

This whole year is a gradual adjustment for me from a school world to the work world.

Scheduling Vacation

Migley, I went to talk to my manager today about getting time off for Explore!

Going to Quebec for five weeks. Being in a university program to learn more French and experience the culture. Having an excuse to get over my "I can't speak French" feelings. The government paying for my classes, accomodations and food. Hanging out with you, Migley. Eating poutine and going to a used bookstore? Going to my beloved Anglican bookstore! And a music store so I can finally buy Les Cowboys Fringants, etc? Seeing our friends. Going to church with them. Being in Quebec without my snowpants.

I needed to ask for the time off work now because all vacation requests submitted in January are weighed by seniority, and after that it's first come first serve. I need to pull a seniority trip for this one - including choir tour, I'm asking for eight weeks off in the two and a half months approaching the busy summer season!

I get three weeks paid vacation a year, and I'll need that for choir tour. The rules say I can only have two weeks in the summer. I knew this, but I thought I would ask anyway. (This is the only year I'll be able to do this because it's a program for students, and after this I won't be a student anymore.) At first my manager flat out said no, but then I explained and now he is going to take it up with the top manager and see what he can do! This is not a promise, but neither is it a "no", and I think the chances are pretty good. He suggested that maybe to avoid the vacation restrictions what they'll do is something like our student retention program - they'll essentially lay me off, and then rehire me with the same seniority when I get back.

Before I asked I felt confident but understanding that the answer might be no. After I asked and he said "possibly" I felt nervous and excited. I asked God for a yes, and now it feels weird to have not gotten a no. I have a hint of fear that this will jeopardize my job, but I don't think that's realistic. For the past several summers I have had travel-somewhere-to-take-some-kind-of-class plans, and they've never materialized (they haven't been as big of a deal as this one, though, and I haven't needed to plan ahead for them as much so procrastination has been my downfall). I value stability and I don't do many exciting things like this. It feels like stepping out into the big world. And I think this will be so good for me. I really like languages, and I'd love a chance to pursue that. And I won't feel so guilty about not going to Quebec this Feb if I am coming in the summer.

I'm a little afraid of telling my Mom. I think she'll say, "What?! What do you mean you're going to take five weeks off work?! You need the money!" I have savings; I'll be fine. And maybe she'll respond differently than I expect.

Word of the Day: Ambivalent

Ambivalence: uncertainty or fluctuation, especially when caused by an inability to make a choice or by a simultaneous desire to say or do two opposite or conflicting things; the coexistence within an individual of positive and negative feelings toward the same person, object, or action, simultaneously drawing him or her in opposite directions. (www.dictionary.com)

If Only Everything Beautiful Was Christian

God saith: Whoso does one good act, for him are ten rewards, and I also give more to whomsoever I will; and whoso does ill, its retaliation is equal to it, or else I forgive him; and he who seeketh to approach me one cubit, I will seek to approach him two fathoms; and he who walketh toward me, I will run toward him, and he who cometh before me with the earth full of sins, but joins no partner to me, I will come before him with an equal front of forgiveness.

There is alms for a man's every joint, every day in which the sun riseth; doing justice between two people is alms; and assisting a man upon his beast, and with his baggage, is alms; and pure words, for which are rewards; and answering a questioner with mildness is alms, and every step which is made toward prayer is alms, and removing that which is an inconvenience to man, such as stones and thorns, is alms.

The people of the prophet's house killed a goat, and the prophet said, "What remaineth of it?" They said, "Nothing but the shoulder; for they have sent the whole to the poor and neighbours, except a shoulder which remaineth." The prophet said, "Nay, it is the whole goat that remaineth except its shoulder: that remaineth which they have given away, the rewards of which will be eternal, and what remaineth in the house is fleeting."

Keep fast and eat also, stay awake at night and sleep also, because verily there is a duty on you to your body, not to labor overmuch, so that ye may not get ill and destroy yourselves; and verily there is a duty on you to your eyes, ye must sometimes sleep and give them rest...

A bier was passing, and the prophet stood up for it; and we stood with him and said, "O Prophet! verily this bier is of [an enemy] woman; we must not respect it." Then the prophet said, "Verily death is dreadful: therefore when ye see a bier, stand up."

The hearts of men are at the disposal of God like unto one heart, and he turneth them about in any way that he pleases. O Director of hearts, turn our hearts to obey thee.

The truest words spoken by any poet are those of Lebid, who said, "Know that everything is vanity except God."

--- The Muslim Sunnah ---

teeheehee

Although I'm a PC girl (just because I'm unfamiliar with Macs),
I love the ads.

I want to be a confident, easy going, complimentary kind of person, like Mac.

Updates

The best thing ever happened today! I found a convenience store in the neighbourhood adjacent to mine that sells cream slush! Woo hoo! Now I don't have to go to small towns several hours away to get cream slush - I can walk for one! And cream slushes are amazing - they're slush and ice cream mixed together, and the creaminess takes the sugar edge out of the slush. Mmmmm!

I'm finally almost over that cold that I caught. I got my voice back after two days, but for another week and a half it made me miserable. I cancelled my brunch plans, but made it to my coffee date. That was my first time talking in two days and I croaked through our conversation, and I was glad to be in the presence of a friend with whom I didn't have to be polished. I felt totally unsocial when I went back to school so there wasn't a lot of chitchat. I made it through choir to with varying levels of participation. My diaphragm hurt from coughing. I bought some cough medicine, but I credit it with making me feel really depressed. The bottle cautions, "Not for use by persons... under treatment for depression or using antidepressant medications," which I am not, but maybe I should have heeded the warning anyway. I felt awful, emotionally and physically, all week. (Granted, being sick could affect my mood on its own and I didn't feel stable even the day before I started taking the cough syrup... But I think the cough syrup played a part too.) But on the positive side, being sick got me in the habit of drinking bazoodles of water and enough tea to float a boat, and I hope to try to keep that up to some degree and perhaps kick my water "allergy."

So I'm back in school now. I really like my classes. Here's what I'm taking/doing:
- World Civ - Currently we're learning about Islam, and then we'll go on to Judaism over the last two thousand years, and then China. The prof for this class is so amusing, and I really like history. But it's early in the morning, and so far I've been late for every class...
- New Testament Backgrounds - This class looks mostly at intertestamental Judaism, and I didn't realize how interesting that would be. We're reading parts of the Apocrypha and the Dead Sea Scrolls. And my two good friends are in this class with me, which is wonderful. It's a lot of reading and big assignments, though. And I'm currently kind of nervous about my ability to do homework - my last two semesters have been pretty slack, so I haven't really written a paper in a year!
- Greek Exegesis - We're down to only two students in Greek now. I miss the guy who dropped it, but I'm so glad that it's required for the other guy who's still there so that they can't cancel it on us. Every second class we just meet in the prof's office. This class deals with matters of translation other than just the Greek, and so far we've learned about textual criticism. It's been interesting, but I miss straight translation.
- Trinitarian Theology - I'm just auditing this one, and that's such a relief since the prof told us in the first class that this will be the hardest version yet. The friend with whom I took my other theology classes is auditing it too, and the experience is so pleasantly nostalgic. After class the prof came up to us and told us that it's a pleasure to see us in his class together again. That meant so much to me - that he respects us and he's glad we're there.
- Choir - I got a B+ in choir last semester. That's disappointing for me - it actually brings down my GPA. It may be because I was slightly late for many rehearsals, but I can't help but take it more personally and wonder if it's because they don't like me or I'm not valued there. Plus, my two closest friends in choir decided it was too much for them, and I respect their decisions but now I feel alone.
- Thesis - It's hard to be really motivated to work on it... But I've got a bit to show for myself. I'm not proud of my progress, but neither am I worried. Yet.
- Practicum - Leading a small group will count, and I also need to do some research for my prof. I could have picked the topic (within pre-Reformation mystics), but I don't really care enough to choose so today she suggested Madame Guyon. Sounds good.

It was hard getting back into school mode. I think that's mostly because I was sick - my head was in a fog and I felt incredibly socially inept. I was so uncomfortable in my surroundings. I feel like I've grown out of the social realm of my school. Today that didn't feel so acute, and I'm glad.

Farewell Barry

Hi Michelle, Barry calling. Hope you’re doing well today.
I felt badly today when I saw you that I hadn’t communicated with you prior to the announcement today of our plans. I really tried to think of people in the circle of my life that I wanted to tell personally or ahead of time, and I realized I didn’t have your name in my email list and I didn’t communicate with you… So I’d love to talk with you more, and again I apologize for not communicating with you sooner and I hope we can talk sometime, that’d be great.
Thanks a lot and talk to you soon. Bye.

I got this message on my phone, and I was so touched that I am someone who he wanted to tell personally. It was not just nice to not have to find out through the grapevine - it was an honor to be acknowledged as someone who deserves more than the general announcement.

By the time I got this I hadn't actually heard yet that there was any news. This message made me assume that Barry is leaving - and I was right. He's going to pursue Globalization and International Development, although he's not sure what will come after the initial step. His heart takes him to the French world, and to the developing world.

Barry, I value who you have been in my life. ~ three times you led us to Montreal ~ you've seen me cry so often ~ you gave me grace when I couldn't hand projects in on time for your class ~ you prayed for me in chapel ~ you came when I spoke in chapel ~ you edited my testimony when I shared it in French ~ you made time to have a French club with us ~ you gave me the chance to share about my family's crisis and my moral downswing ~ you cared ~ Above everything else, thank you for hoping for me for so long, Barry, for your confidence that I will have a "matin de jubilation." You will be missed.

I "trust God with you for his good purposes to be fulfilled in and through your lives."

Voiceless, Literally

So I caught a cold. I noticed as the sore throat crept up on me the day before yesterday - an experience that felt odd in the middle of the afternoon; I think these things usually catch me at night. And it kinda felt like more than a cold - I felt utterly exhausted, I had chills, I didn't feel steady on my feet, and I was uninterested in food. (Yesterday I got home from work, struggled to eat a muffin, and went to bed - at 7:00.) Today I felt somewhat better in most of those areas, but it was a tradeoff - instead I had laryngitis.

I stopped at the post office on my way to work today. (I got books in the mail!) This was my first social encounter of the day, so I didn't realize yet that I had a problem. The guy greeted me with "Hi! How are you today?" and I answered "keugh aahaahahh kegreacht" (sp?). Then I coughed and cleared my throat and tried everything I could but to no avail - I had no voice. When I tried to talk, nothing came. I couldn't even hum. Voice, gone.

I whispered my way through my day at work. There were some aspects of my job that I just let slide because I felt like it was too much. When I was cashing, I couldn't ask the members how they were doing or if I'd missed their coupons, or tell them their totals (they could see it!). As a packer I couldn't ask them members for their cards (that's more the cashier's responsibility, but it's something a good packer does) or ask them if they wanted boxes. And as a supervisor, I couldn't explain thet new Concierge program for electronics. It just took too much voice, and I already had too little. By the end of the day, even my whisper had no volume.

People who didn't know wondered why I was whispering - what's the secret? And I think they thought I was being mean or snobbish when I wasn't saying "hi" or answering their passing "how are you"s. I found my physical boundaries shrinking as I would have to touch people to get their attention, and it wasn't even worth saying anything unless we were standing really close.

Still, it was kinda nice to lean more towards silence than usual. My words mattered more when they were fewer, and I felt like I was giving people something when I spoke (whispered) to them. I had a chance to feel really thankful for little things when I couldn't just call out a shallow "thanks!" And I got to be the recipient of kindnesses. Xamara and Nancy gave me cough drops, Bob told me that of all the people he'd want to lose their voices I'm not one of them, and on my way out Mike pointed at me and said "get better!" And it gave people something to bug me about, which gave me little bits of attention. That's kinda nice when it's good natured.

But... I have plans that require talking! Tomorrow I'm going out for coffee! In two days I have brunch plans! Both those things won't go so well if I can't carry on a conversation. In three days I'm back to school where everyone will ask "How was your Christmas?!" In three days I'm also hosting Blitz Night, and it's nice if I can talk when I have eight other people in my house! And in four days I have choir practice! I wonder how long this will last!

In my online inquiries into laryngitis, I found a cute website:
http://www.kidshealth.org/kid/ill_injure/sick/laryngitis.html
There's all sorts of cool stuff on there!