Trevor and faith

Today at work it was insane. We're so short on staff. I spent most of the day on till. But that was fine - I'm good at that job. At one point I had Trevor packing for me. I really enjoy Trevor (although I never feel confident that I have his name right... awkward!) We hit it off a few weeks ago when I couldn't talk, and since then we say hi at every opportunity and he gives me hi-fives. He's (quite obviously) seventeen and still in high school, but he's a lot of fun to have around. (What's with the seventeen year old boys being great?)

While Trevor was packing for me, I noticed that he wears a WWJD bracelet. That's not the fad anymore (is it?), so he must do it because it means something to him. I wanted to ask him about it, but it wasn't the time or the place to have such a conversation.

I also hesitated to bring up religion with Trevor because I would inevitably have to share my position. And I don't know what to say about myself. "Me too....But I don't go to church or read the Bible or pray very much or even love God." What makes someone a Christian? And do I still qualify?

As I thought about this tonight I found myself articulating that I'm not happy to be a Christian. I think that's because I'm not really happy at all. On a similar note, I don't feel proud of being a Christian. And I don't think that's because I'm ashamed of Jesus - I think it's that I'm ashamed of myself. I don't feel like I am a very good witness to Christ, and so for God's sake I kinda hesitate to associate myself with him. My car doesn't have a Jesus fish on it because I don't want my lapses in driving courtesy to reflect on God. I'm not eager to tell people I'm a Christian because I don't fit the definition very well. (Unfortunately it comes up all the time since I'm pursuing a Christian education. "What are you taking in school?!" they ask.) So much of my experience doesn't fit what seems to be either the ideal or the norm, and I'm not comfortable with that in a setting where they won't understand.

I don't have the faith or religious outlook of a nineteen year old anymore. I remember how excited I used to be to find out that people I went to school with or worked with had any leanings towards Christianity. I rejoiced in that knowledge, and I thought that gave us a special bond. I prayed regularly for the salvation of those who didn't know Christ. But over the years things have gotten really fuzzy. I've met so many wonderful non-Christians and so many Christians that I don't get along with. I build friendships more based on intangible connection than on religious agreement. Plus, my own dismal path has caused me to question everyone else's sincerity too. And if Trevor's anything like I was around that age, he won't understand where I'm at at all. I wonder if it might be better to remain a great pagan girl to him than to reveal myself as an apathetic Christian. If I do tell him I'm a Christian too, can I be honest about that or do I need to start putting rosy faith coloured glasses on everything? I feel like I can be myself better around my acquaintances if I leave religion out of it.

I prayed for Trevor tonight:
God, would you encourage his faith.
Can I encourage his faith???
Maybe he needs to be an encouragement to my faith.