Shrove

Today we had a Pancake Feast together. That's the tradition in my major - Shrove Tuesday is our most distinctive celebration. We have pancakes for supper with all the good toppings, upstairs in the staff lounge at school before the evening class. (We make the whole school smell like bacon, hehe, and I think I can still smell it in my hair too.) It almost didn't happen this year - our community has evolved because we've lost a lot of what used to be the core group and gained new people who are unfamiliar with our tradition. That and Easter is early this year, so Shrove Tuesday snuck up on us. Only about half the group came for pancakes, which was alright but different than it used to be. People brought guests this year too, which is again different than it used to be but in a good way. As I compare the way our group is with the way it has been I notice all the ways that community is waning, but I also see that even in our Golden Age not all aspects of the community were healthy so some changes were necessary.

To be honest, I felt really uncomfortable tonight, especially as we just hung out before the food was ready. As I drove home I tried to find the words and reasons to define it, but they eluded me. Some attempts: socially awkward, nothing to say, dull, outside, conspicuous, angst, distraughtness of soul, longing. ...I don't know exactly what I felt and I don't know why and I don't know what it means. I don't think it was just me because I was fine when I got there. But I know this isn't a new feeling: I'd kinda forgotten about it, but it's something I've felt for a couple years in many gatherings with my major... I've never known what to think about that.

Thus begins Lent. I was thinking of this last night while I was falling asleep, asking if/how I might be called to observe it this year. I remembered how excited I was to learn about the Lent tradition many years ago. Over the years I've given up meat, chocolate, pop, and knitting - but I haven't always found this experience of fasting to be valuable. I usually complained a lot, and I'd just end up replacing what I was giving up with an alternate vice. In recent years I've seen my capacity for discipline seriously decline, and last year I felt that it would be better just to not observe Lent. I kind of expected the same thing this year, but I thought I'd ask anyways. And I think I got a small answer. Praying the Lord's Prayer daily. It's small, but maybe it's small enough to avoid arousing my rebellion against discipline? I also found a Lent devotional by Evelyn Underhill at the used bookstore yesterday, so we'll see if I can keep up with that.
Jesus, help? I want to seek you...

Christ died for my sins. That makes absolutely no sense to me.