Happy Earth Day

This month's Cupcake Theme was Earth Day Cupcakes, and although I didn't actually enter the contest, I did bake Earth Day cupcakes. I found a recipe for Strawberry Cupcakes on another blog, and I happened to have fresh strawberries because they were a great price for this time of year. "Strawberries are earth-y," I thought, and then I made my cupcakes extra earth friendly by using organic sugar. And they tasted SO GOOD! They were moist and fresh tasting and yummy. I put more strawberry puree in the icing than the recipe called for, and then I got out my decorating miscellany and after numerous failed attempts, ended up making them look like flowers - so they were pretty too!

Happy Earth Day!

Revisiting Grad

I made more cards today. And I actually like how this one turned out:
That's an especially good thing, because it was for a special occasion. Happy Graduation, Friend!

It's nice to know that you're important to someone, and it's nice to be involved in their lives. I loved it when you came over to do homework, because it gave me a chance to be a part of your school life. I was honoured that you wanted me there at your grad, and I was glad to come and share your special day. Thanks for wanting me and needing me.

Being there made me think back to my own grad. Three years ago - that's so long. Both nostalgia and seeing "how far I have come" are uncomfortable for me. I am not who they hoped I would become, and I negated all their benedictions. These situations give me a chance to consider where I am, and I am at the place where I say "It hurt too much, and I just couldn't stay." It didn't help tonight that the banquet was held at a church where I once had a difficult experience, one that I later cited for my fall from faith. My eyes kept straying to that corner where I felt so abandoned.

Now that this friend is finished school, my connections there are minimal. There has been a gradual letting go since I finished there myself, and to be honest, I look forward to the freedom of its culmination. It's an awkward place for me to go back to.

I found myself thinking tonight that if I keep a list of everyone who has hurt my feelings, soon there won't be anyone left who's not on that list. I need to get over things. And I do... but it requires enough good to outweigh the bad, and in a lot of cases I don't have that opportunity. That still makes for a very long list. Hmmm...

Tonight a stranger approached me and asked if I was part of the choir years ago - because he remembered me and the way I sang a particular song. As I stood on the edge of the group and sang in the chorus, he was powerfully moved by my presentation - and he has remembered that for years. I don't even remember the song, but he remembers me and said he has looked for me since. This reminded me of Edna, a lady across the country who remembered me and found me again a year later. These situations are flattering and humbling, and I don't know what to do with them, especially considering where I have ended up. So I said "Thank you," and pondered it in my heart.

Conflict Resolution

So, I feel like I'm just not good at being a person. And it kinda hurts.

And it turns out that I define a person primarily as a social being, because the above is what I say when I am struggling with social interactions.

How do you define "personhood"?

Nostalgia

Do you remember this?

After eleven years, "back off, get your own sandwich" is still a fantastic quote.

It's funny how imperfect memory is, though - I could have sworn the commercial was for Subway, not Maple Leaf, and I'm finding that a lot of other people also had the same false certainty. You?

Books Read - Winter 2011

10. Thirteen at Dinner by by Agatha Christie**

9. Frankenstein by Mary Shelley*

8. Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen*

7. Aspects of the Novel by E.M. Forster*
6. Thanks for the Memories by Cecelia Ahern
5. Speaking Out: Ideas That Work for Canadians by Jack Layton
4. The Undomestic Goddess by Sophie Kinsella
3. Persuasion by Jane Austen***
2. What the Dog Saw by Malcolm Gladwell**
1. Among the Shadows by L.M. Montgomery

* In partial fulfilment of my correspondence course (Nineteenth Century English Literature)

** In partial fulfilment of my New Year's Reading Goals (inspired by Mara)

*** Read in tandem with friends

RTW

What to expect on my return to work:

//// My manager is my enemy

- I'm not used to having enemies

- "love your enemies"
- no spite on my side - and no expectations

- no efforts for friendliness - though very civil

- but... will a lack of cheer on my side just make things worse? perpetuate a spiral?

- and what about necessary interactions?

- enemy = doesn't watch out for my best interest - but that's her job...

//// 2 significant errors by my coworker

- I may have made one myself before I left - she isn't the only one

- everything can be fixed

//// 4 audit issues by my coworker

//// 3 exasperating situations with managers

//// My coworker will be my equal - covering my absence was her rite of passage

- it works better when there is a slight hierarchy, though...

I don't want to!

But it probably won't be as bad as I fear... especially if my expectations are really low.

Self-Interrogation

What's the problem?

--- My manager doesn't like me.

Why is that a problem?

--- I want everyone to like me.

But not everyone does.

--- If someone doesn't like me, they don't want me around. I am a negative thing to them - a curse. They see me in a negative light, and will interpret and misunderstand me that way. I become what they see me as - unlikeable.

--- This isn't a big deal if the feeling is mutual or if I can disregard their peripheral role in my life.

--- This is painful when continuing contact with the person is required, and it provides continual reminders.

Here's the flaw: "If they don't like me, I am unlikeable."

--- I recognize that there is a flaw here, but I can't dismiss it.

--- "People are continually teaching me how I deserve to be treated."

--- I'm not strong enough, and I feel crushed by the weight of the effort.

Counter argument: Playing by the same rules, if someone does like me, then I am likeable.

--- I guess it balances out.

INTRINSIC

...

?

Also... inadmissible.

Tax Party

I'm really glad we've started a tradition of doing our taxes together. =)

J'attends.

Waiting.

Silent.

Only the buzzing of the lights.

Angst.

Someone else enters.

Silent.

Except all his noises of existence and coffee.

Loud.

Waiting.

But I had an appointment!

Confession: I was late.

But less than a tenth as late as they are

so far.

Frustration?

A door opens down the hall.

Is it time?

I guess not.

Waiting too long

in a sub-par waiting room

doesn't promote my mental health

and doesn't promote the success of this meeting.

My companion gets called in.

His noises can no longer frustrate me,

but I feel passed by.

Does it say more or less about my wellbeing:

this is not the first

but the fifth

place I've flirted with tears today?

A family enters.

They talk and the kid's phone meows and he teaches his mom to play plants versus zombies.

They receive their summons too.

Fifty eight minutes.

I finally accost the next staff I see.

The verdict: "Late/Cancelled."

But, but - Only three minutes!

She's really never coming for me.

Eventually they suggest

that the appointment had originally been someone else's -

someone who cancelled.

That's why it was available for me.

But it was never assigned to me.

My name was never written down.

Seventy five minutes.

I leave in tears

and cry through the streets.

Ouch.

This took bravery,

and it was wasted.

For this I missed a friend,

and that was wasted.

And I'm running out of options

that haven't been tarnished.

Misunderstandings

The thing about misunderstandings - when I mean to say one thing, but you take it as something else - is that our relationship is affected by how it is received, not by what is given. I become the person who said what you think I did. And it doesn't matter how much I have intended the opposite. This grieves me.

Books!

So my books for my correspondence course came in the mail today! (They could have come last week, but I gave the school the wrong address, so they got returned. Sigh.) That was pretty exciting, and I stacked them into a fantastic four storey book castle.

I like books that match each other, and I like shopping from the same publishers. For this course, the school just sent me the books I'll be needing, and I wasn't sure what I would be getting. Four of the books I received were from publishers I favour, and another seven are from one other publisher that has been unknown to me, but I'm excited that they all match each other.

I just need to finish what I'm currently working on (Persuasion), and then I'll be reading Aspects of the Novel by E.M. Forster. =)

Edu-vacation (and beyond)

So I signed up for school! And I forgot how expensive school is! I picked a 6-credit course, so that's like taking two classes, and the price is outrageous considering that this is just something I'm doing for fun. But it's something I really want to do, so I decided not to be dissuaded by the price - plus, between the tuition and the twelve months of part-time student credits, the tax benefits should cover almost half of the cost of the course. And all the books are included for free!

I chose to take Nineteenth Century English Literature. When I took a second look at my options, it was the one that excited me most - and it also happened to be the most advance of the classes I considered, so I hope I can live up to expectations (that basic college English class that I took was eight years ago...). I get a year to finish fourteen books, two 2000-word essays, a biography assignment, and a final "Oral Quiz." I hope to complete it sooner than that - if I drag it out that long it would become really hard to stay motivated. But then again, I'll be reading fourteen books, and they won't be easy reads. We'll see. Anyway, over the next quite-a-while, this is what I'll be reading:

Aspects of the Novel by E.M. Forster

Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen (1813)

Frankenstein by Mary Shelley (1818)

The Heart of Mid-Lothian by Sir Walter Scott (1818)

Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte (1847)

Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte (1847)

Vanity Fair by William Thackeray (1848)

Bleak House by Charles Dicken (1853)

North and South by Elizabeth Gaskell (1855)

Barchester Towers by Anthony Trollope (1857)

Middlemarch by George Eliot (1872)

The Egoist by George Meredith (1879)

The Way of All Flesh by Samuel Butler (1884)

Tess of the d'Urbervilles by Thomas Hardy (1891)

Do any of these appeal to you guys? Would you be interested in reading some of them with me? It would be fun to have company along my literary jouney!

Holiday Studying

I have three weeks booked off work in March. I don't have any big plans for this time. I might go visit Dad (it's been quite a while), or maybe Oma, but most of all it will just be nice to not go to work.

I had an idea while relaxing in the bathtub this afternoon, though. Maybe I should sign up for an correspondence course! This is something I keep intending to do "sometime," but I know how hard it is to come home from work and do more work, so it never seems like a realistic plan. But having several weeks off work will give me time to invest in it, and having something to do will prevent me from getting bored.

I looked online, and here were some of the courses that interested me:

- Anthropology 354: Language and Culture (but Amanda gave me a book on this topic, and perhaps I should read that before taking a whole course on the topic.)

- English 211: Prose Forms (this is basically just an introductory English course, which I have already taken. But in this one I would get to read Heart of Darkness by Joseph Conrad, Great Expectations by Charles Dickens, and The Stone Angel by Margaret Laurence - all which I have been wanting to read - and look at short stories and essays too! And it shouldn't be too much of a challenge, which would be nice.)

- English 302: Introduction to Canadian Literature (this one looks at interesting themes and authors, and I'd feel good about learning more about Canadian literature.)

- English 358: Literature of the Americas (this one explores Spanish-American, Afro-American, and English- and French-Canadian literature and sounds really interesting. Plus we'd get to read Fifth Business and One Hundred Years of Solitude.)

- English 395: The Nineteenth-Century English Novel (in this course we'd read Pride and Prejudice, Jane Eyre, Wuthering Heights, Bleak House, Middlemarch, Tess of the d'Urbervilles, Frankenstein, and Vanity Fair - and it has no exams.)

- Health Studies 200: Introduction to Human Health (wait, this one might tell me I should be eating supper right now, or two hours ago, and then getting some exercise... but it looks like an interesting discussion of health and the factors that contribute to and detract from it.)

- Human Resource Management 322: Employment Law (this one would be the most applicable to my life these days, and I could probably even get work to chip in for the tuition. But it would be the least vacation-y...)

I glanced at all the courses they offer, and these are the ones that caught my attention. Most of them are English classes. I guess that's because I like reading, I like having a reason to dig into what I have been reading, and I like writing about it. I've taken a correspondence course before - Sociology 203 - so I pretty much know what to expect, and it was pretty easy (especially compared to what I was doing in real school at the time). But I should keep in mind that if I take a more advanced course, the requirements will be more advanced.

What do you guys think? What should I take?

Decisions

I'm back to work tomorrow, after having three days off. Brandy's off for the next week on her vacation, so I'll be working alone (and committing alone this Monday - so much for trying to refuse to do that...).

I'm closing this awful week with some resolve. Unfortunately, I will no longer be able to work overtime. I'm going to try to cut off my shifts at exactly eight hours, even minimizing the small bits that creep in as I try to finish things up on an otherwise normal-length day. The odd time circumstances may require an hour or so of overtime, but working extra will be by my decision, and not a feeling of obligation. Generally, they'll have to ask me to work overtime, rather than me asking their permission.

I will endeavour to develop my problem-anticipation skills, and I will try to avoid upcoming problems by alerting Dee and giving her a chance to provide solutions. If this system doesn't work, I am going to prove that it doesn't work by following it and letting her deal with the results.

I'm not going to answer the phone any more when work calls. They can leave me a message, and after listening to it I can decide whether or not I will call them back - with no obligation to do so. It's my time.

You guys have suggested I quit... I can't do that. Two reasons: first, I like my job, in theory. When I think of someone else processing my resignation, I get jealous! I'm not ready to go. Plus, job searching and training and new stuff all sucks. I'm also bound by loyalty. Now, I'm not saying that my loyalty will last forever and that I'll never quit, but this is kind of like a relationship, and you can't just break up after the first fight. I've been there so long, and I've been really grateful that through all the recent recession stuff I haven't had to fear for my job.

Still, next week needs to be better than this past one.

Wind Down

Sitting in the shop. Routine maintenance on my car: getting an oil change and taking care of a warranty “recall.” All planned for; nothing is a surprise. It’s much better that way. It’s expected to take three hours and I’ve decided to spend the time here. They could have given me a ride somewhere, but I would probably spend the time sitting on the couch anyway, so I might as well just sit here. They have a pleasant seating area (leather chairs and hot chocolate), and I’ve got a bag of stuff to keep me occupied. If I get bored, a shopping complex is a kilometer and a half away. In the meantime, this provides a good chance to think and write.



They finished early! I only waited two hours! Since the girl knew that I was sticking around, she pushed me to the front of the line and, I suppose, inspired them to work extra fast. That was a nice surprise.