J'attends.

Waiting.

Silent.

Only the buzzing of the lights.

Angst.

Someone else enters.

Silent.

Except all his noises of existence and coffee.

Loud.

Waiting.

But I had an appointment!

Confession: I was late.

But less than a tenth as late as they are

so far.

Frustration?

A door opens down the hall.

Is it time?

I guess not.

Waiting too long

in a sub-par waiting room

doesn't promote my mental health

and doesn't promote the success of this meeting.

My companion gets called in.

His noises can no longer frustrate me,

but I feel passed by.

Does it say more or less about my wellbeing:

this is not the first

but the fifth

place I've flirted with tears today?

A family enters.

They talk and the kid's phone meows and he teaches his mom to play plants versus zombies.

They receive their summons too.

Fifty eight minutes.

I finally accost the next staff I see.

The verdict: "Late/Cancelled."

But, but - Only three minutes!

She's really never coming for me.

Eventually they suggest

that the appointment had originally been someone else's -

someone who cancelled.

That's why it was available for me.

But it was never assigned to me.

My name was never written down.

Seventy five minutes.

I leave in tears

and cry through the streets.

Ouch.

This took bravery,

and it was wasted.

For this I missed a friend,

and that was wasted.

And I'm running out of options

that haven't been tarnished.

Misunderstandings

The thing about misunderstandings - when I mean to say one thing, but you take it as something else - is that our relationship is affected by how it is received, not by what is given. I become the person who said what you think I did. And it doesn't matter how much I have intended the opposite. This grieves me.

Books!

So my books for my correspondence course came in the mail today! (They could have come last week, but I gave the school the wrong address, so they got returned. Sigh.) That was pretty exciting, and I stacked them into a fantastic four storey book castle.

I like books that match each other, and I like shopping from the same publishers. For this course, the school just sent me the books I'll be needing, and I wasn't sure what I would be getting. Four of the books I received were from publishers I favour, and another seven are from one other publisher that has been unknown to me, but I'm excited that they all match each other.

I just need to finish what I'm currently working on (Persuasion), and then I'll be reading Aspects of the Novel by E.M. Forster. =)

Edu-vacation (and beyond)

So I signed up for school! And I forgot how expensive school is! I picked a 6-credit course, so that's like taking two classes, and the price is outrageous considering that this is just something I'm doing for fun. But it's something I really want to do, so I decided not to be dissuaded by the price - plus, between the tuition and the twelve months of part-time student credits, the tax benefits should cover almost half of the cost of the course. And all the books are included for free!

I chose to take Nineteenth Century English Literature. When I took a second look at my options, it was the one that excited me most - and it also happened to be the most advance of the classes I considered, so I hope I can live up to expectations (that basic college English class that I took was eight years ago...). I get a year to finish fourteen books, two 2000-word essays, a biography assignment, and a final "Oral Quiz." I hope to complete it sooner than that - if I drag it out that long it would become really hard to stay motivated. But then again, I'll be reading fourteen books, and they won't be easy reads. We'll see. Anyway, over the next quite-a-while, this is what I'll be reading:

Aspects of the Novel by E.M. Forster

Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen (1813)

Frankenstein by Mary Shelley (1818)

The Heart of Mid-Lothian by Sir Walter Scott (1818)

Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte (1847)

Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte (1847)

Vanity Fair by William Thackeray (1848)

Bleak House by Charles Dicken (1853)

North and South by Elizabeth Gaskell (1855)

Barchester Towers by Anthony Trollope (1857)

Middlemarch by George Eliot (1872)

The Egoist by George Meredith (1879)

The Way of All Flesh by Samuel Butler (1884)

Tess of the d'Urbervilles by Thomas Hardy (1891)

Do any of these appeal to you guys? Would you be interested in reading some of them with me? It would be fun to have company along my literary jouney!

Holiday Studying

I have three weeks booked off work in March. I don't have any big plans for this time. I might go visit Dad (it's been quite a while), or maybe Oma, but most of all it will just be nice to not go to work.

I had an idea while relaxing in the bathtub this afternoon, though. Maybe I should sign up for an correspondence course! This is something I keep intending to do "sometime," but I know how hard it is to come home from work and do more work, so it never seems like a realistic plan. But having several weeks off work will give me time to invest in it, and having something to do will prevent me from getting bored.

I looked online, and here were some of the courses that interested me:

- Anthropology 354: Language and Culture (but Amanda gave me a book on this topic, and perhaps I should read that before taking a whole course on the topic.)

- English 211: Prose Forms (this is basically just an introductory English course, which I have already taken. But in this one I would get to read Heart of Darkness by Joseph Conrad, Great Expectations by Charles Dickens, and The Stone Angel by Margaret Laurence - all which I have been wanting to read - and look at short stories and essays too! And it shouldn't be too much of a challenge, which would be nice.)

- English 302: Introduction to Canadian Literature (this one looks at interesting themes and authors, and I'd feel good about learning more about Canadian literature.)

- English 358: Literature of the Americas (this one explores Spanish-American, Afro-American, and English- and French-Canadian literature and sounds really interesting. Plus we'd get to read Fifth Business and One Hundred Years of Solitude.)

- English 395: The Nineteenth-Century English Novel (in this course we'd read Pride and Prejudice, Jane Eyre, Wuthering Heights, Bleak House, Middlemarch, Tess of the d'Urbervilles, Frankenstein, and Vanity Fair - and it has no exams.)

- Health Studies 200: Introduction to Human Health (wait, this one might tell me I should be eating supper right now, or two hours ago, and then getting some exercise... but it looks like an interesting discussion of health and the factors that contribute to and detract from it.)

- Human Resource Management 322: Employment Law (this one would be the most applicable to my life these days, and I could probably even get work to chip in for the tuition. But it would be the least vacation-y...)

I glanced at all the courses they offer, and these are the ones that caught my attention. Most of them are English classes. I guess that's because I like reading, I like having a reason to dig into what I have been reading, and I like writing about it. I've taken a correspondence course before - Sociology 203 - so I pretty much know what to expect, and it was pretty easy (especially compared to what I was doing in real school at the time). But I should keep in mind that if I take a more advanced course, the requirements will be more advanced.

What do you guys think? What should I take?

Decisions

I'm back to work tomorrow, after having three days off. Brandy's off for the next week on her vacation, so I'll be working alone (and committing alone this Monday - so much for trying to refuse to do that...).

I'm closing this awful week with some resolve. Unfortunately, I will no longer be able to work overtime. I'm going to try to cut off my shifts at exactly eight hours, even minimizing the small bits that creep in as I try to finish things up on an otherwise normal-length day. The odd time circumstances may require an hour or so of overtime, but working extra will be by my decision, and not a feeling of obligation. Generally, they'll have to ask me to work overtime, rather than me asking their permission.

I will endeavour to develop my problem-anticipation skills, and I will try to avoid upcoming problems by alerting Dee and giving her a chance to provide solutions. If this system doesn't work, I am going to prove that it doesn't work by following it and letting her deal with the results.

I'm not going to answer the phone any more when work calls. They can leave me a message, and after listening to it I can decide whether or not I will call them back - with no obligation to do so. It's my time.

You guys have suggested I quit... I can't do that. Two reasons: first, I like my job, in theory. When I think of someone else processing my resignation, I get jealous! I'm not ready to go. Plus, job searching and training and new stuff all sucks. I'm also bound by loyalty. Now, I'm not saying that my loyalty will last forever and that I'll never quit, but this is kind of like a relationship, and you can't just break up after the first fight. I've been there so long, and I've been really grateful that through all the recent recession stuff I haven't had to fear for my job.

Still, next week needs to be better than this past one.

Wind Down

Sitting in the shop. Routine maintenance on my car: getting an oil change and taking care of a warranty “recall.” All planned for; nothing is a surprise. It’s much better that way. It’s expected to take three hours and I’ve decided to spend the time here. They could have given me a ride somewhere, but I would probably spend the time sitting on the couch anyway, so I might as well just sit here. They have a pleasant seating area (leather chairs and hot chocolate), and I’ve got a bag of stuff to keep me occupied. If I get bored, a shopping complex is a kilometer and a half away. In the meantime, this provides a good chance to think and write.



They finished early! I only waited two hours! Since the girl knew that I was sticking around, she pushed me to the front of the line and, I suppose, inspired them to work extra fast. That was a nice surprise.

Saga Continues

It kinda feels like Sue is avoiding me. Although our desks are five feet apart, she doesn't send much attention my way. Maybe that's no different than it was last week - she is super busy - but I really feel it this week. Another manager (who sat in Sunday's original meeting with us, and then talked with Sue on Monday) told me about how bad she felt about the situation, but Sue didn't apologize to me herself. In one sense, I understand - when I do something awful to someone, I feel ashamed and it's hard to address that with them. But I acknowledge that that isn't a mature response, and I expect Sue to do better I do.

Sue did bring it up at the end of the day on Wednesday. Of course, she waited until I was off and on my own time, trying to go home. I had already scanned out and picked up some things, and then I returned to my desk to grab my coat and lunchbag when she stopped me. She started by pointing out my attendance to me - since the last counselling notice, she said that I had accrued another three lates. "Now, I'm not going to write you up this time, but..." Well, one of those lates was after she wrote up the last counselling notice but before she delivered it to me - not exactly fair warning (not that that's a fair excuse...). The second late, recorded as 49 minutes, was on Monday. The day she gave me off. The day she called me at 8:00, I talked to the store manager at 8:08, and I got to work at 8:49 - 49 minutes after my typical shifts would start, but 23 hours and 11 minutes before I was next supposed to be at work. The final late was Tuesday, 9 minutes, because after the gong show of Monday I was not so inclined to be on time the next day. She apologized, white-ed out the second tardy, and said she felt embarrassed (which actually made me feel worse). And I felt aghast.
Sue said that she wished that I just hadn't answered my phone on Monday. She regrets when she has to call me at home (for a while it was a weekly occurence on my days off, just with quick little questions), but the store manager insists. Should I just stop answering calls from work? That feels so unreliable to me... but if my manager is pretty much recommending it...
I have a vacation/leave of absence booked for March - three weeks. We won't really have the coverage then either, and Brandy will go crazy, but I need it. And Sue seems to think that because this time off is booked, that makes everything better... but it doesn't make things okay right now.

I took today off work. I pre-arranged it with Sue, and Brandy is in today. I read, sat on the couch, and watched TV. It was nice, but it didn't fix things. Sigh.

More

Cast of characters (because it's easier to refer to them by name):
- my coworker - Brandy
- my manager - Sue
- my manager's manager - Dee
- the store's manager - Kevin

We had another meeting on Tuesday - me, Brandy, Sue and Dee. Sue began the meeting by looking between Brandy and I and asking, "So what happened yesterday?" I didn't answer, and when I brought it up with her later she said that her question was posed to just to Brandy because she knew what happened with me, but that was not at all clear at the time and I felt like I was being expected to remind her that she had given me the day off. She seemed to be saying that the blame for the disaster of the day was to be shared equally between us. Nice.
They told Brandy she needs to be more reliable. She said that she had told the manager she'd talked to when she called that if they needed her to come in she would, but the message didn't get any farther than that, so they called me in instead.
I explained that I was hurt by the counselling notice I was given because although I did earn it through my lates, with all the pressure I am under it feels inappropriate to be told that I am not meeting company expectations. I told them about how it feels like my needs are incompatible with the company's needs, and lateness is one area where my needs can win out without negative consequences for the company. I'm not sure what led up to it, but I remember saying, "What about my sacrifices?" Dee responded by explaining that she needs to treat everyone the same, and she can't tell Brandy to be more reliable while ignoring my tardiness. No grace there. I think these are different situations - if I'm late the work still gets done. Fairness is important, but so is context.

Dee referred to me as having a "Type A personality," which Wikipedia describes as: "ambitious, aggressive, business-like, controlling, highly competitive, impatient, preoccupied with his or her status, time-conscious, and tightly-wound." Not so flattering. Is that how I come across? I agree that some of those adjectives describe me a little bit, but others are way off. Sue said that as Brandy does more and more of the job independently, I'll have to get used to things being done a bit differently, and for instance, to her writing things down differently. This irked me in two ways: first of all, Sue said it in a way that suggested this is a very difficult thing for me. Where does she get that? Has Brandy said something, or is she just making it up? I think I show adequate flexibility: there are several things that Brandy does differently than me, and I don't mention it. My second point is that we can only be so flexible. Some things are necessary. When Brandy's different way of writing something only gives half the required information, is that something I should just get used to? Finally, Dee told me that I need to be patient with them as they find me more help. I have been overworked and short on help for a year and a half, and although I express frustration about that, I don't express impatience about getting help.

Dee's perspective tends to be that all my problems are my own fault. If I'm stressed, that's my problem because I didn't bring it up with her and let her solve the cause. Her perspective demands proactivity, and it doesn't tolerate whining. But it means that I'm basically not allowed to be upset. In addition, if I do pass something off to her and then never hear anything back about it, she reads an attempt to follow up as a display of my lack of faith in her. Sigh.
However, on a positive note, I left this meeting feeling like the solution to everything isn't "Michelle will work harder" - I can make the motto "Dee will take care of it." Hopefully. Kind of. I know this doesn't work out in practice as well as it sounds in theory.

Thoughts

My needs are not compatible with the needs of the business. My need for a personal day clashes for their need for a payroll clerk on Mondays. Their needs won, despite what I required and what was promised me. My need for ten minutes more sleep and some time to put together something for breakfast fights with the company's need for me to be on time. In this case the company doesn't suffer either way, so I let myself come first. It still doesn't work out so well for me, though. I need to reevaluate; unfortunately I don't think they'll show me much flexibility.

My manager isn't able to stand up for me. Even when she suggests I take a day off, even when she sees how much I need it because I'm shaking so much I can barely write, she still calls me in to work when her manager instructs her to. She may say she's on my side, but that doesn't mean all that much.

Brink

I got written up yesterday at work for tardies. Three lates in thirty days is grounds for a "counselling notice," and I am late all the time. Enforcement of the policy is a relatively new thing, so despite all my lates this is only the second time I've been written up for it. The problem continued at first because I could get away with it, but even now I have a hard time turning it around because I don't want to get up, I don't want to leave the house, and even though I like my job, I don't want to go to work.

So yesterday my manager sat down with me, a witness, and the counselling notice. She introduced the topic by telling me that my lates are out of control (whereas I thought that I have been doing a bit better, though still not good). She continued, obliged to say that continuing to be tardy can lead to being suspended. Then she half-joked that she knows I need time off, but that a suspension is not the way to get it. At this point I broke in, cried, and said, "No, but how about crazy leave?" I talked about how I'm late because I don't want to come to work. My job satisfaction right now is really low. I need time off, but I can't take it because there is no coverage. I can't take an LOA, I can't take a vacation, I can't take a personal day, I can't even take a sick day. We're trying to train the other girl how to do absolutely everything so that I can eventually take some time off (like, eventually in a month and a half), and that's really stressed the good dynamic between us: she sharply demands answers and I am so tired of training. And she says that when she thinks about me not being there (like, in a month and a half), she feels anxious and ready to cry. Next week she is going on vacation, so I will be working all alone - and committing alone, which is something I try to avoid, but I have no choice. And she keeps loudly counting down the days to her fabulous Caribbean holiday and talking about how great it's going to be... when I can't have a vacation. I understand that she's excited and that she needs it, but good things for her just mean more work for me. And bad things for her just mean more work for me. And everything means more work for me. And then I get written up for being late, and it includes verbiage about how I am not meeting company expectations.

So I cried and expressed all this to them. And they were sympathetic. They suggested I take today off because they could tell that I needed it. But Monday is a big day for us, and I didn't want to leave the other girl alone - I hate it when that happens to me on Mondays. They pointed out that this would be a chance for her to know what it feels like. They convinced me, and I began to count on today as a mental health day. I think I have a lot of introspection to do. I need to look at where I set my limits, what to do when they're disregarded, how to find the balance between nice and self-preservation, what "reliable" should mean to me, why I feel more secure when I'm in control, how to fairly assess the situation I'm in, etc. And I needed an extra dose of sleep.

Then this morning the phone rang at eight o'clock. The other girl had called in sick too. No one noticed until the store manager arrived and found no one in Payroll. Then he called my manager on her day off and insisted she call me. And I had to go in to work.

So, um, I was right. I can't take personal days. Even when I need it, it doesn't work. The solution to everything seems to be that Michelle will work harder. But I can't keep this up for very much longer.

Compassion

I find that I have a hard time being kind-hearted towards people when, despite their legitimate crises, their problems cause me more work. This is especially the case when the person who isn't well is my coworker. She is definitely worthy of sympathy: in the past month or so, her father has had two heart attacks, she has broken up with her fiance, and most recently, she had a miscarriage. That's all awful. And it's meant that I've had to cover her slack, and that's been hard on me. It has been difficult for me to completely get past my struggles and relate to how hard it is for her.

It's not that I can't imagine the situations that she is in; I think I can almost imagine them too clearly. The moments, the feelings, the angst - just glimpses, but it's enough. Then I feel overwhelmed by the awfulness of it all, and I distance myself from those uncomfortable feelings.

Also, in these kind of situations nothing is the right thing to say - everything could come across wrong, as too much or not enough, as too blunt or too saccharine; I just don't even know what to say. That makes me self-conscious. It's hard to properly feel compassion when I don't feel like I am able to express it.

Now, when I tell you that I resent it when people's problems cause me more work, I don't mean that I am unwilling to be there for you when you need me. It's different when I have a choice, and it feels good to help you. I know you appreciate it, and that makes it so much different than an expectation placed upon me at work.

Introspection

When I'm not sure whether or not we have coffee plans, why don't I call you and ask? Why do I show up, just in case, considering the possibility of being alone better than the possibility of standing you up? Simple communication could prevent both situations. Why do I do this?

Delving deeper, I find several reasons:

- I don't really mind it that much if you don't come. I don't mind spending the time alone, and I usually have something I enjoy to occupy me. Not that I'm okay with being stood up - that's not the situation here at all. If I suspect that you don't think that we have plans, it doesn't hurt my feelings to find out I'm right. I can usually see what would lead you to think that, even if I have support for thinking otherwise.

- I don't want to make you feel bad. I'm sure you're content in your assumption that we do not have plans. I'm sure you don't realize that I consider the situation more ambiguous, and I don't want you to feel guilty for not coming.

- I don't want to make you feel obligated to spend time with me. If I call to verify that we have plans, I am suggesting that I think we do. If you think we don't, I have created an awkward situation with our difference of interpretation. Your options are less than ideal: you can either come and hang out with me, counter to your expectations, or you can turn me down and cancel our "plans." I would rather hear nothing than "no."
My reasoning here lies on an assumption that could be faulty: that sudden plans with me are a hassle rather than a joy. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe you wished we had plans though you think we don't; maybe you would love a call suggesting a coffee date that to you seems last minute. Maybe you're feeling lonely, and my intrusion would be appreciated rather than resented.
Why do I assume the opposite? Because that's how I feel about people sometimes, so it is more than fair if people think that about me...

- It's kind of embarrassing to see something where others do not and to assume that a certain exchange means that we are getting together when that's not what it meant to you. It makes me look desperate, so I'd rather keep it hidden and uncommunicated, even if that means I end up sitting in the coffee shop alone. Ironically, that makes me seem way more desperate than simply calling you to confirm - but at least you don't see it.

Boring

I found this line in a book today, as a man talks about starting to write a journal:

If there is nothing to record, I shall record the nothingness.

I like that.

Happy New Year!

Michelle's Goals for 2011:

- use 75 postage stamps (possible? Well, this can cover xmas thank-yous, birthday thank-yous, final address changes, next year's xmas cards, and all the letters that I hope to write. Looking at last year's goal of only writing five letters it seems pretty steep, but I didn't think that before making this comparison. And I received 100 stamps for Christmas.)
- read five books inspired by Mara
- read "Introduction to Biology," my high school biology textbook
- drink more liquids
- reduce my yarn stores (by using them up)

It would also be great if I kept my house tidy and cleaned more, cooked more, and was regularly on time for work... but I'm afraid of formulating those as goals in case I fail!