Elle

- very well intentioned
- wants to be a great friend to me
- ... I'm not sure I want her close anymore

Old Grievances
- phoned to tell me all about what was going on in her life, and then said "I better go" before asking about mine - taught me that this isn't a friendship where I should expect to share/be open
- spaghetti sauce for xmas - "this is really basic, low-grade stuff" - but it was my best
- wedding date - "Still in April?" "What? You still think that?"
- cleaning up her kitchen - "everything's in the wrong spot" instead of "thank you!" - today I tidied up after dinner, and I felt awkward when she expressed her gratitude and helped. I wanted it to be ignored. It's what I do anyway.

- "either way" - your catch phrase makes no sense in context!

- you remember too clearly who I was, and I think your expectations are still based on that
- conversations feel like a report, not an exploration
- I feel reticent to share
- I usually don't like your responses to whatever I do share

- I can't believe anything you say. Your plans for the future will not come true. Just listening to them exhausts me. You say everything with such confidence, but still it doesn't last.
- Maybe this time you're right. Maybe things are changing. I don't know if I believe it.

- I wonder if I only have a certain amount of energy for each friendship. If so, you used it up a long time ago.
- You are devoted to our friendship because I stood by you through so many things. Now you want to return the favour. But it takes energy for me to receive your friendship, and I have checked out. I only stay for nostalgia's sake.

Proud

My brother is working on something he calls Project 365. The idea is that he takes a picture every day and posts it, along with a description. Kinda like a blog, it allows us to keep up with his life. And I love catching a glimpse of my brother in this way. I don't often get a chance to see who he is in the real world. He takes amazing pictures, and he tells fantastic stories. And - and - he mentions me one time! (I'm such a ditz for my brother.) And even when he's just talking about mundane things - eating ice cream and feeling secretly happy about math problems - or when his picture of the day is a rainstorm or the inside of his fridge, I'm just so proud that he is my brother. Maybe that's the unconditional flavor of love. "I can't pinpoint the reasons why I feel this way, but I'm just so honored that you're mine."

Pre

I went walking alone tonight. It was dark and late, and I carried my keys like a weapon, just in case, just like you taught me. You cared enough to teach me how to defend myself. Although I forgot a lot of your other suggestions, I remembered that.
I missed you tonight. You probably miss me too.
But I can't fix it. Things are this way for many reasons.

Jay

I remember three years ago, in the summer, when I wondered if we were "breaking up." You were cancelling plans with me and you weren't returning calls. I wondered if the problem was me or you. I wondered if you even wanted to be my friend. The great distance I felt between us suggested to me that I wasn't important to you. I echoed Beaches and cried: "What am I going to do without a best friend?" Three years ago...

We have been out of each other's lives for so long. You were busy. You weren't well. You stopped writing. I didn't know what was going on in your life. That made it hard for me to continue to consider you a necessary part of mine.

Granted, it was long-distance. But it was easy enough for you to come to where I had lived with your other friends... for you to come home to see your family all the time...

You didn't even tell me your new phone number. You never answered or returned the calls I made to your cell phone. There were times when I really needed you, but I couldn't get in touch so I hid the tears as I left a message that you wouldn't respond to. Then our other friend would tell me about how she talked to you - how she had your phone number, how you'd return her calls. Why not mine?

I came to your recital, and was glad to do so to support you. But as I saw a glimpse of your life there, I didn't see any touches of myself. There was not one picture of me in your room. None of your friends had any idea who I was (although they were fully familiar with our other friend). These things told me that I'm not a part of your life there, that I'm not important to you.

We've changed so much (at least I have...) and we're very much out of each other's lives now. Do we have any common ground anymore? Is there anything left?

Road Trip

So a couple of months ago Justin and I were brainstorming things we could do together and places we could go to get out of town. I mentioned Waterton as we tried to think of other Banff-type places. It's not close, though, so we might have to make it a overnight trip, I commented. And he really jumped on this idea. He brought it up again shortly after I got home from Cuba, but I was so tired that I just felt overwhelmed by the idea. Then I realized I'd have a couple extra days off this week, and I started to feel comfortable with the idea of planning a Waterton trip.

It seems like a lot of people have never heard of Waterton. (Justin was one of them.) It is a National Park in the bottom left corner of Alberta, nestled along the borders with BC and Montana. On the other side of the American border the park extends into Glacier National Park, and the BC counterpart is the Akamina-Kishinina Provincial Park. The hilights of Waterton are the mountains and Waterton Lake (pictured here).

Waterton boasts some of the best hiking in the Rockies. I'm not much of a hiking enthusiast, though, and neither is Justin. We prefer "hike-slash-walks" that lean more in the direction of "walk." We took a couple of walks: we walked along the lake beside the town in the dark the first night we got there, we walked around Cameron Lake (which reminded me of Lake Louise in how it was completely surrounded by mountains), and we walked the loop around Red Rock Canyon before we left to come home. And we even took something that would definitely be considered a hike: the Bear's Hump. It was described as "moderate/difficult," but it was only an hour long (return) so we figured we could handle it. We did, but it was hard. Justin called it the worst 1.4 kms of his life. But we made it, and the view from the top was rewarding. It was interesting to notice my own style of hiking. I take really little steps, and they turn out really slow because each step has two parts: foot down, leg straight. It works for me though!

A website describing "Things to do in Waterton" suggested going down into the States and driving along the Going To The Sun Highway through Glacier National Park. It sounded pretty, so we did that the first day before going to Waterton. It was great! There were so many places to stop, so many things to look at, so much to do. We wished we had more time to see everything - there was so much we passed by for the sake of time, and we turned back when we'd only gone half way. We're planning to go back sometime.

The border guard that met us as we returned to Canada after spending a few hours in the States was suspicious of our story. It seemed unlikely to him that people would only leave the country for part of a day, and then return with few new acquisitions. He questioned us about our employment status and how we knew each other, and made us pop the trunk. I couldn't believe we looked shifty enough to warrant his suspicions. It was nice to have nothing to hide though. Maybe he was being driven crazy by the monster mosquitos they had in that area.

One great thing about both Waterton and Glacier, especially in comparison to a place like Banff, is how quiet it was. We were often the only people around, or there would be a few others. No crowds. No bustle. It felt like we had the mountains to ourselves. I really liked that, and I'd definitely go again.

'versary

It's been three years since I broke up with my ex.

This was a Postsecret postcard quite a long time ago. It's not exactly descriptive of my situation because I don't call that abuse (but some other people hinted at the term). Abuse is either really obvious or pretty vague. Still, I identified with this postcard. I was so relieved to get out.

Three years. Three years, and I'm still afraid of being accused of being indiscreet, still have a hard time considering myself kind because he said I wasn't, still afraid of being burdened with someone else's problems or leaning too hard with my own, still afraid of your anger and my tears, still feel uncomfortable with the thought of in-laws either loving or hating me, still unable to think that anything will last forever, still not interested in considering marriage. The realism that I traded for naivety has jaded into pessimism that makes me hesitant towards the future.

I sense the looming question: "If this residue from that relationship still remains, doesn't that mean you're not over it, not actually ready to be moving on?" No, that's not it. Some things linger for a long time - they change you and become a part of who you are. You're over the relationship, but you can't deny who it made you or expect that you should come out completely unscathed. For better and for worse, I am so much different than I was back then.

And I have come pretty far in the past three years. I no longer feel nauseous at the thought of a relationship (obviously) - that's some pretty big progress. I think I've mostly given up the princess attitude that used to come out sometimes. I've hugely improved at considering my problems my own and not making them someone else's problem as well, and at letting my boyfriend be himself without trying to manipulate him into what I think he should be. Growth!

Three years. The tone of tonight is that of another calm "Farewell."

Books Read - Spring 2009

1. Christians at the Cross by N. T. Wright
2. The Idiot by Fyodor Dostoevsky*
3. Hometown Tales by Philip Gulley
4. The Devil Wears Prada by Lauren Weisberger
5. Confessions of a Caffeinated Christian by John Fischer
6. Fifth Business by Robertson Davies*
7. Plan B: Further Thoughts on Faith by Anne Lamott
8. Sense and Sensibility by Jane Austen
9. Girl Meets God by Lauren Winner
10. Dana's Valley by Janette Oke

Success

I got them all today.
All the countries in the World Countries Game.
All one hundred and ninety five.
I'm impressed with myself.
And a little unsettled.
It's weird when you actually achieve a goal that you've been working on for a while.

Catching Up

So I went out for coffee today with an old friend. We used to be close, and then we grew apart, and then he moved away. Now we rarely see each other - only when he's in town (this is the first time) or when I'm visiting Oma (sometimes). We don't otherwise keep in touch, but our friendship hasn't died like I thought it might. It's actually better now. When we do go for coffee it's a novelty and we have really good conversations. There's a history between us of speaking honestly and not hiding what lies beneath the surface, and the potential for that has remained. Sometimes I find that I discover where I'm at when I discuss it with him.

Today I was late because I got stuck at work. And then way before I expected, he was looking at his watch and I was asking "do you need to go at a particular time?" and he was getting up and leaving. So many things that I thought we'd talk about, we didn't.
And that's okay. Things are the way they need to be, even though they're not always the way I think they'll be.

I thought it would be worthwhile to note some of what I would have said if we had had endless time. The updates of the last six months, the things that came to mind when I anticipated going out for coffee with him:
... I've been in a phase lately where I've been worrying again that I'm socially inept.
... I'm still with Justin. It's been good, it's been really good. Actually, I broke up with him, um, a month or two ago (?), but then after crying for a week I decided I wanted to get back together. It was kinda cool to see that I do want to be with him.
... The distance between me and God is solidifying.

Conversation

"So do you think it would be weird if I dated him?"
"Hmm, no."
"Really?"
"Well, I've had a few weeks to get used to the idea. I thought it was weird at first, but it doesn't seem so odd anymore. You've kept me in the loop. Thanks!"
"That's 'cause you're the only one I talk to! If it wasn't for you, I might as well be back where I was living during the school year!"
"Really? 'Cause you thought you felt like you had no friends there."
"Well, I had my sister."
"And you wanted to come back here 'cause you felt like you had way more of a social life here."
"That's 'cause I can just call you up and we can get together and crochet or go for coffee or something. I can't do that with my sister - she's always busy with the kids."

So I'm her social life, and I'm the only one who knows everything that's gong on. I'm honored to be that important to her. But I don't think what we have is adequate.

I think our society creates a lot of lonely people.

More Neglect

So, we were sitting in the break room, and the girl we were talking to said something about never ditching her friends when she has a boyfriend. And he turned his head towards me and gave me an obvious look, and said something like "Unlike someone!" I know he was saying it in fun - that's what he does. And I know he feels like I don't spend enough time with him since I've been dating Justin. He told me that himself once, and then he told Katie, who told me, and then I think they talked about it again because she brought it up with me again.

I've been trying lately. But it took me three weeks to work up enough energy to choose a day to have him over for dinner, choose a menu, and clean sufficiently to make me feel like I could have company. It's easier when we just hang out at his place (he has all the cool toys - hot tub and big screen TV), but I feel awkward about suggesting plans there because I hesitate to invite myself over. I also want this to be a balanced friendship where I give as much as I take. If I feel like I don't have much to offer, I don't think I should take much from him.

It's easier now that Katie's home - we can all hang out together, and it's more likely that plans will get made. He concluded the break room conversation by saying, "It's okay now, we have movie nights again," with a grin. He looked really really happy about that.

But the pressure to make time for him makes me feel exhausted.

(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())

And it turns out he's not the only one. Tonight, on one of those movie nights, we were talking about mutual friends and he (the same "he") mentioned a situation that happened earlier this week when we were planning this get-together. I arrived at work and he asked what days off I had, and then we arranged to do something tonight. Someone else, a guy I had been good friends with, overheard this and responded with exacerbation after I left the area. "Sure, she has time to hang out with you, but not with me?!!" Then he stormed off. I didn't know he felt that way; I though we both just accepted that we had grown apart (and I think it began before I got a boyfriend). But I guess I have another plate to add to the spinning plate party of guy friends who are feeling neglected.

I don't know if it's worth an apology. I don't know if I feel sorry. I'm not sure it could be otherwise, and I just feel tired.

(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())

It seems that they think that I decline plans with them a lot. "I've asked over and over," they say. I don't see that. I can't think of any times when they've said, "Do you want to get together on this day?" that I've answered no. It's more likely to go: "We should do something sometime." "Yeah, we should!" And then we just never do. That's not me blowing them off! I just have a hard time with un-specific-ness. If you actually want to hang out with me, I need you to suggest a specific date, and knowing a time and activity would help too. If it's too vague I don't have anything to grab on to. "We should hang out sometime" really doesn't mean much to me. And it's not fair if you feel like I'm neglecting you because I'm not chasing you down with plans when you're too shy to suggest anything specific yourself.

Some things only last for a little while. My guy friendships seem to be like that. I notice that over the past couple years, I tend to only have one primary guy friend at a time. One friendship ends and another begins. They've each had their turn. This time it's a little different because I have much more with Justin than I did with any of them, but the principle is similar. Still, it can be painful when something ends, and I need to understand that their experience of this might be different than mine is. They might not be okay with the seasonal aspect of our frienship. The first guy flat out told me, "I need you in my life."
Sigh.

Thoughts on Working

On her blog, she wrote:

Tomorrow I have to work and I'm cringing at the idea. I hate work. I've reached that point in my year where I curse the thought of working full-time. My co-worker and friend says it happens to everyone around summer. When I work full time I become so aware that my time is not my own and that over 1/3 of my day I put effort into something that really doesn't concern or affect me at all except to pay the bills.

Reading her thoughts made me notice my own. I don't feel that way. I am so glad I have a job to go to for eight hours a day so that I don't have to worry about filling that time myself. I have no idea what I would do if I wasn't working. Of course there's a long list of chores and projects that are currently neglected, but I know they wouldn't get done anyways because I wouldn't be in the mood. I would just sit around awkwardly, lamenting the lack of structure. At least when I'm working I'm getting out of the house, I'm interacting with people, and I have purpose. And I like the money it provides me with. I haven't had to worry in a long time, and I'm grateful.

Of course it helps that I really enjoy the job I'm doing right now. I'm past the crazy part of the learning curve, but there is still a lot to learn and it is challenging. I don't work with anyone who bothers or frustrates me; I enjoy the few coworkers I regularly interact with. I get my evenings free, so I don't feel like work has to be my whole entire life.

And of course, I still wish I didn't have to get up so early - or get up at all - for work. I wish work wasn't a conflict with sleep. But even for that reason, I don't dread it.

In my contrast between my attitude and my friend's, besides the obvious benefits of liking your job or not minding the necessity of going to work, I'm not sure that I come out on top. I think my fondness for work is in a way a discomfort with and an escape from life.

Sigh.

Neglect

It's been a while since I've written much.
I'm sorry.
I'm still intending to write more about Cuba
and share some reflections on other things that have happened since.
It's just that I'm so tired.
Reflection takes energy,
and writing takes even more.
Sigh.

I sense that I have some important topics for reflection approaching
and I don't relish it.
Too hard.
Too bad.

Sleep is my favorite.

Negotiations

So we're negotiating a new employee agreement at work right now. Although we're not unionized it's kinda run as if we were. Every three years we get a new employee agreement, and they ask for our input for it. We get together in a series of meetings where we brainstorm everything we might want to ask for, and then, trying to represent our people, narrow that list down to our top ten requests. Actually, the more I take part in these negotiations, the less value I see in them - the big guys are only going to consider the top ten most popular requests from across the country, so if we have a really great novel idea, it won't even get considered unless everyone else has the same idea (making it less novel). It always ends up being the same things. And just because we ask doesn't mean they give us our request. "Considered" doesn't mean "granted." Still, I participate to show that I care about this, to demonstrate involvement instead of apathy, and to say thanks for the opportunity to do so. In some ways it feels like voting.

These meetings are always a conflict in values. The greatest point of strife generally seems to be between new staff and old staff. We want to keep our new staff, but we also want to reward our long-term people. If we focus too much on one end, the other people feel resentful. Who wants to start at a company that ignores you until you've been there for ten years? But on the other hand, if we try to make things cushier for the new staff so that they might become long-term employees, those who have been already been here for a long time feel undervalued. "We had to earn that with years of service!" they complain. "They can too."

With the way the economy is right now, it kinda feels greedy to ask for too much. Should we even ask for raises, increased bonuses, and more pension? I found myself thinking, though, that it's about fairness. We don't need to be afraid to ask for what is fair. We can't have everything, especially with how things are looking these days. And we need to realize that gaining one thing may cost us another. But the company is still growing. They're not afraid. We need not be either.

Cuba 8: For Next Time

- Don't only bring one style of sandals, because then when one pair gives you a blister, they are all going to rub and be uncomfortable.
- I'm not going to read as many books as I think I am.
- Don't even bother bringing the Spanish English dictionary. It's not going to get used. Same thing with the Spanish textbook.
- I packed long pants, a hoody, and a couple long sleeved t-shirts - and didn't wear any of them (except for on the plane). But I think I would bring them next time anyways, because you never know if it's going to get cool in the evenings. Plus, they're good for wrapping breakable souvenirs for the trip home.
- Although I mostly just wore tank tops, short sleeved shirts were handy to give my shoulders a break from the sun when they'd had a little too much.
- I brought a lot of dresses, and wore all of them. I'd do that again.
- I don't need as many bathing suits as I thought I would. I figured I'd want to wear a different one every day (because else it's a little bit like not changing your underwear), but some days I didn't put my bathing suit on at all (excursions, etc). When we were going to the beach I always wanted to wear the tops that were the best for tanning in, even if I had already worn them. Of the five tops and seven bottoms that I brought along, I wore three and five. Next time I don't need to bother bringing the old ones I don't like.
- I was glad that I brought chocolate along. Every day I wanted a mid-afternoon chocolate fix. And the granola bars I brought were handy for the days I missed breakfast.
- Think about tipping the waitresses with gifts, not just the maids.
- Two and a half excursion seemed like about the right amount for a week. It made a good balance between activity and rest - we didn't feel bored and we didn't feel too rushed.
- People keep asking me if I'd go back. Yes, I'd go back to Cuba. But I probably wouldn't go back to the resort we stayed at, though I'd probably return to Varadero. And I would probably go somewhere else (ie Mexico) next before going to Cuba again.