Honesty

The other day I had coffee with my friend Carolyn. Carolyn is someone who values authenticity and vulnerability, and that has characterized our friendship. We haven't talked in a while - she got married this summer and took a little social hiatus. I sent her a Christmas card and suggested getting together sometime, and she emailed a response saying that sounds great but it will have to be soon because she's moving to Kuwait with her husband next week! So we went out for coffee on Wednesday.

It was really good. One of her first questions for me was about whether I am using my degree for anything, and I answered in the negative and explained that God and I aren't really friends right now so it's seeming less likely that I will. She understood, and this conversation gave me a chance to talk it out a little more. Then we talked about church as I drove her home, and I articulated that I wouldn't really be comfortable in a church that prays, sings, or reads the Bible right now, and we laughed, and in parting she said she hopes I find what is good.

Later I briefly emailed Trevor about the experience (I've been better about keeping in touch lately):

Today I went for coffee with a friend of mine who is moving to Kuwait next week! ... We had a really good talk. She's one of those people that I feel like I can be really honest about my life with and she understands, so it's refreshing to talk to her. But I guess it won't happen again for a while!

And he responded:

That's awesome that you got to see your friend! That's too bad that she's leaving though, will you guys be able to keep in touch when she goes? Do you feel like you can be honest with me about your life?

Dude... what do I say to that? Especially when the answer isn't a flat out "yes." Do you feel like I can be honest with him about my life? Emrgh....

There are levels of honesty. Most of my friends get a pretty high level of honesty from me. Carolyn gets a particularly high level because she understands. Trevor gets a lower level because I'm not really sure he/our friendship can handle the honesty. He looks up to me, and my role in his life is to be an encouragement to him, especially in his faith. Though I don't feel so qualified for that now, it feels more appropriate to fade into neutrality than to take the offensive and become a spiritual discouragement. Also, he's so young. He comes from such a young hopeful perspective. I don't want to burst his bubble, and also I wouldn't expect him to be capable of a lot of empathy.

But how do I say that to him? Maybe I should just blurt out all the things I don't tell him so he realizes what lies beneath the surface and why I don't share it all. But that would be kinda counterproductive, because then he would know all these things... I might be able to avoid the question? But that's probably not the best option... Every attempt at explanation seems to have holes in it, though. It all seems to boil down to whether this is a real friendship if I am not being real, a point which has some validity.

Hmm... it's hard to be honest sometimes. This is one of those times when it feels pretty awkward. But here's my stab at it. I think there are levels of honesty. I can be honest with you about a lot of things, but there are some matters that don't seem to have a place between us. We are at different places on our journeys, and I'm not confident that you would understand. Also, I feel like my role in your life is to be an encouragement, and sometimes my honesty would really be a downer.

This also gets me thinking about what an appropriate response to this would be. If someone were to say to me, "I'm only comfortable showing you part of myself," is it better to say, "Okay, whatever you're comfortable with, no pressure," or "Please let me in and show me more! I invite you to be honest with me!"?

Update 01/13/09: Trevor responded by saying: "I understand that there are some things that you can't tell me, and I can definitely respect that! I appreciate you always encouraging me, but if there is something that you ever need to get off your chest or if you ever need me to pray about it then I'll definitely be here to listen/pray =)" Which was a pretty good response.