Montreal

I've never had a Reading Break before; I've always gone to Montreal. So now it feels pretty weird not being there. (It's been weird all year not having a team to be a part of.) In some ways, it's a relief to not go. The trip has always been really really hard for me: I feel miserable when I'm there, and then I'm barely able to function when I come home. I return with the hope that this time will finally redeem the previous negative experiences, but it never quite works. It's nice to not have that stress this year. But the anniversary makes me think back.

My memories of the first trip are distant. But I remember how we had a great team that was the foundation for some good friendships that I still have. I remember how us girls stayed up at night singing hymns and praying together, and I value that memory. And we have a lot of great inside jokes and hilarious moments from that year. Then the second year was just no good at all. I lead the team, badly, and it was utterly discouraging. The team didn't bond well (and we're not friends now). My quintessential memory: one night towards the end of the week I got accidentally punched in the eye, and the shock pushed me over the edge and I cried in despair over everything for hours. Memories from the third trip are a mixed bag of good and bad. I was really honest with my team about where I was at, and their support was great; but I was not well, and that was hard. I wonder if I actually cried the whole entire trip or if it just feels that way. I shared my testimony at church and felt completely unheard, but the act of preparing and sharing it was really important to me. There are other memories I really value, too. Our "heart to heart" and the hug he gave me one morning with a kiss on the top of the head and how I loved that and how we're friends now. Making him happy with Mars bars. His gangster encouragement and passion for God. His generous servanthood, and how much I respected that. How they told me I was wonderful, and how I believed them, and how that became a part of me that remains significant.

When I think about the people, I think about the people on my teams more than I think about our friends in Montreal. I'm trying to figure out why... I guess they were the ones I spent the most time with, the ones who really shared the experience. Also, I have always felt incredibly socially inept on and after this trip. The first time I went I felt like I didn't make significant enough connections with the people there and I wondered if I just didn't have the skills to meet people and make new friends. (This was basically confirmed to me when I got home and my then-boyfriend told me he'd discovered his family didn't like me. That was crushing.) I don't have the energy to keep in touch, but I feel like it's important so my failure to do so increases the emotional distance I perceive. On subsequent visits everyone treated me kindly and told me they were so glad I came again, and she tells me that they value me, but I can't really see it. Honestly, I still feel like I don't know how to build friendships with them. I don't know what to talk about. So I always felt kinda awkward (and I think I can even see the awkwardness when I look at the pictures). I don't think that getting to know someone can really be broken down into rules - I think at the bottom there needs to be an intangible connection that can't be forced. I can't make it happen... And sometimes it just doesn't happen? Or maybe it often does, but the connection gets smothered by other issues. Maybe I can try to minimize those other issues, so that the connections can flourish?

Maybe if I go again this summer, in a different context, it will magically happen?