In the final months of my relationship with my last boyfriend, I found myself afraid to spend one-on-one time with him. Not that I was afraid of him per se, but at that point there were so many problems in our relationship that I was afraid that if we spent time alone together, those issues would come up and we would have to acknowledge them. These hard conversations would leave me crying for hours, and us no closer to solutions. But if other people were always around we could put on a good face and pretend things were okay, and I prefered that.
Now I notice myself feeling this way about God. I'm afraid to spend time alone with Him because so much is wrong. I don't know how to fix it, and I don't see what He's doing about it. I am afraid that encountering Him will just cause me unbearable pain, on top of the already uncomfortable situation. I don't remember ever knowing these difficult conversations to bring more healing than pain. So I go for pretense and avoidance, which allow me to function.
Perhaps I value functioning too much? I guess God desires brokenness. But how much does He require? Fifteen minutes of brokenness causes me two days of un-well-ness, and if I cry too much I may just cry forever and ever and I can't do that.
Last time the healthy conclusion was breaking up...
undeserved, yet welcome at your table
in this house, yet all alone with you
i am free, yet held within your chamber
only in your presence...
That song makes me feel anxious and claustrophobic.
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