Downswing

Snapshots from my day:

Walking to pick my car up at the shop. Thinking about how enjoyable it is to wear boy pants, and how I would blog about that today. About how that's been the personal joke that's brought me much joy lately. :0) Boy pants are awesome!

Skipping chapel. Getting a late start on the day and then going to pick up more moving boxes at work instead.

Mediocre lunch time meeting. (Not as important to me as they used to be...)

Killing time and eating lunch (yay me!) at Wendy's with a good friend. Saving this in my memory bank of ordinary but important times from this, my final year at school.

So far so good.

Going to choir. Singing O Love That Will Not Let Me Go. Finding myself derailed, stability crashing down, issues arising. Not okay for the rest of the day.

Asked to pray at the end of sectional. Asking the section leader to choose someone else.

Standing in the hallway, crying with a friend, who was crying with/for me. Being honest.
"I fear that I will get lost."
"I fear that God's love will let me go."
"It's a beautiful song, but I hate it. And I hate it that I hate it."

Stopping another friend for a hug as we left school. Wishing I could stay there forever, in his safe arms, with his cheek on mine. Answering "I'm kinda grumpy" when he asked if I was alright. Not quite conveying the truth.

Crying on the drive home.

Considering the rest of the evening a write-off regarding anything productive. Popping in a movie that was guaranteed to make me cry more.

Crying at every email I received.
Crying at the movie.
Crying as I write this.

Going to bed with a touch of a headache from all the crying.

Thoughts:

So much for copacetic. So much for doing well.
It almost seems inevitable that I crash.
Bipolar? ...But the highs aren't high or often enough.

When I am not well and I solicit hugs from friends, it is not to give them something or simply to greet them but to try to draw strength and wholeness and wellbeing from them through the contact. I wonder if that's okay-ish...? It really doesn't work but I usually feel like it's worth a try. I wonder if other people do this too, and if some hugs I obliviously give actually involve a cry for wholeness...

I disagree with my own theology. It's one thing to logically and objectively consider doctrines, and another to assess them personally, compared to one's experience.
Where I find myself:
Total depravity? still no
Unconditional election? not sure...
Limited atonement? yes
Irresistable grace? pretty much
Perseverance of the saints? no
It makes me really sad how many things I don't believe anymore (not just related to TULIP).
I don't know how much longer I can stay...
Usually I just try not to think about it. I don't even know how to deal with it.

Those Friends who were there for me today, who I let be there for me, thank you. It didn't make it better, but your company was valuable to me. Thank you for crying with me and understanding. Thank you for the amazing hug. I needed you, and you were there.

Other friends, even those who are closer, more daily friends to me, I'm sorry that I didn't let you in today, and that you had to find out about my crisis on my blog. I just couldn't. For some reason sometimes it's easier to be honest with those who aren't quite so close.

I wonder how long this will last. I wonder if it's just a bad day, and if I'll even remember it next week if you bring it up. I'm sure I'll even out to meh (instead of the current tearfulness) soon enough.

Sigh.

o wondrous love that will not let me go

i cling to you with all my strength and soul

yet if my hold should ever fail

this wondrous love will never let me go

?