Brink

I got written up yesterday at work for tardies. Three lates in thirty days is grounds for a "counselling notice," and I am late all the time. Enforcement of the policy is a relatively new thing, so despite all my lates this is only the second time I've been written up for it. The problem continued at first because I could get away with it, but even now I have a hard time turning it around because I don't want to get up, I don't want to leave the house, and even though I like my job, I don't want to go to work.

So yesterday my manager sat down with me, a witness, and the counselling notice. She introduced the topic by telling me that my lates are out of control (whereas I thought that I have been doing a bit better, though still not good). She continued, obliged to say that continuing to be tardy can lead to being suspended. Then she half-joked that she knows I need time off, but that a suspension is not the way to get it. At this point I broke in, cried, and said, "No, but how about crazy leave?" I talked about how I'm late because I don't want to come to work. My job satisfaction right now is really low. I need time off, but I can't take it because there is no coverage. I can't take an LOA, I can't take a vacation, I can't take a personal day, I can't even take a sick day. We're trying to train the other girl how to do absolutely everything so that I can eventually take some time off (like, eventually in a month and a half), and that's really stressed the good dynamic between us: she sharply demands answers and I am so tired of training. And she says that when she thinks about me not being there (like, in a month and a half), she feels anxious and ready to cry. Next week she is going on vacation, so I will be working all alone - and committing alone, which is something I try to avoid, but I have no choice. And she keeps loudly counting down the days to her fabulous Caribbean holiday and talking about how great it's going to be... when I can't have a vacation. I understand that she's excited and that she needs it, but good things for her just mean more work for me. And bad things for her just mean more work for me. And everything means more work for me. And then I get written up for being late, and it includes verbiage about how I am not meeting company expectations.

So I cried and expressed all this to them. And they were sympathetic. They suggested I take today off because they could tell that I needed it. But Monday is a big day for us, and I didn't want to leave the other girl alone - I hate it when that happens to me on Mondays. They pointed out that this would be a chance for her to know what it feels like. They convinced me, and I began to count on today as a mental health day. I think I have a lot of introspection to do. I need to look at where I set my limits, what to do when they're disregarded, how to find the balance between nice and self-preservation, what "reliable" should mean to me, why I feel more secure when I'm in control, how to fairly assess the situation I'm in, etc. And I needed an extra dose of sleep.

Then this morning the phone rang at eight o'clock. The other girl had called in sick too. No one noticed until the store manager arrived and found no one in Payroll. Then he called my manager on her day off and insisted she call me. And I had to go in to work.

So, um, I was right. I can't take personal days. Even when I need it, it doesn't work. The solution to everything seems to be that Michelle will work harder. But I can't keep this up for very much longer.