More Neglect

So, we were sitting in the break room, and the girl we were talking to said something about never ditching her friends when she has a boyfriend. And he turned his head towards me and gave me an obvious look, and said something like "Unlike someone!" I know he was saying it in fun - that's what he does. And I know he feels like I don't spend enough time with him since I've been dating Justin. He told me that himself once, and then he told Katie, who told me, and then I think they talked about it again because she brought it up with me again.

I've been trying lately. But it took me three weeks to work up enough energy to choose a day to have him over for dinner, choose a menu, and clean sufficiently to make me feel like I could have company. It's easier when we just hang out at his place (he has all the cool toys - hot tub and big screen TV), but I feel awkward about suggesting plans there because I hesitate to invite myself over. I also want this to be a balanced friendship where I give as much as I take. If I feel like I don't have much to offer, I don't think I should take much from him.

It's easier now that Katie's home - we can all hang out together, and it's more likely that plans will get made. He concluded the break room conversation by saying, "It's okay now, we have movie nights again," with a grin. He looked really really happy about that.

But the pressure to make time for him makes me feel exhausted.

(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())

And it turns out he's not the only one. Tonight, on one of those movie nights, we were talking about mutual friends and he (the same "he") mentioned a situation that happened earlier this week when we were planning this get-together. I arrived at work and he asked what days off I had, and then we arranged to do something tonight. Someone else, a guy I had been good friends with, overheard this and responded with exacerbation after I left the area. "Sure, she has time to hang out with you, but not with me?!!" Then he stormed off. I didn't know he felt that way; I though we both just accepted that we had grown apart (and I think it began before I got a boyfriend). But I guess I have another plate to add to the spinning plate party of guy friends who are feeling neglected.

I don't know if it's worth an apology. I don't know if I feel sorry. I'm not sure it could be otherwise, and I just feel tired.

(())(())(())(())(())(())(())(())

It seems that they think that I decline plans with them a lot. "I've asked over and over," they say. I don't see that. I can't think of any times when they've said, "Do you want to get together on this day?" that I've answered no. It's more likely to go: "We should do something sometime." "Yeah, we should!" And then we just never do. That's not me blowing them off! I just have a hard time with un-specific-ness. If you actually want to hang out with me, I need you to suggest a specific date, and knowing a time and activity would help too. If it's too vague I don't have anything to grab on to. "We should hang out sometime" really doesn't mean much to me. And it's not fair if you feel like I'm neglecting you because I'm not chasing you down with plans when you're too shy to suggest anything specific yourself.

Some things only last for a little while. My guy friendships seem to be like that. I notice that over the past couple years, I tend to only have one primary guy friend at a time. One friendship ends and another begins. They've each had their turn. This time it's a little different because I have much more with Justin than I did with any of them, but the principle is similar. Still, it can be painful when something ends, and I need to understand that their experience of this might be different than mine is. They might not be okay with the seasonal aspect of our frienship. The first guy flat out told me, "I need you in my life."
Sigh.