Memorial

We didn't exactly have a funeral for my grandfather. We had a "viewing" at the funeral home, and then a short burial service with the family the next day. It was simple. Oma said it's exactly what she wanted and what he would have wanted.

At the viewing we had a receiving line, and my aunt wanted us grandchildren to be a part of it. I stood first in the line, followed by my cousins and brother, then my aunt, my dad, my second cousin, and Oma, all leading up to the open casket. This was awkward. We stood for an hour, and of all the people who came through, I recognized only one. Over and over I greeted strangers, "Hi! Thanks for coming! We are the grandchildren! I'm Michelle!" I accidentally made a point to introduce us as the grandchildren to my cousin's in-laws, who, of course, knew that already. I was told how wonderful it was that I could come up from the States for the occasion, and mistaken for Lisa several times. My cousin Lisa, who is living in the States, was called Michelle much more, even though she'd met these people way more than I had. Lisa also had someone notice her figure and ask her when she's due. "Er, not too soon." Lisa's not pregnant. It's fortunate that she's comfortable enough with herself to not be crushed by such a comment. Someone told Travis and I that we have an adorable child and it took us a moment to understand what they were saying and to clarify that we were not together, that we were cousins, and that Travis's wife was at that moment chasing their adorable child around the funeral parlour.

On the topic of an open casket: corpses are strange concepts. A body without life. He looked like he belonged in a wax museum.

A lot of people, after coming through the line, greeting us, and viewing my grandfather's body, would then sit down in one of the pews that filled the rest of the room. Perhaps they were taking a moment for their grief, or perhaps they expected more of a service to follow (they left shortly after they were informed otherwise). Meanwhile, my cousins and I were standing at the front, talking and laughing and joking between mourners. It was hard to stay solemn and grim. We recognized this and felt bad for appearing disrespectful or interrupting anyone else's silence, but there seemed to be little we could do.

Family

When you're an adult, and when you live away from "home," you start to adopt surrogate families. Groups that you're a part of take on familial qualities as you share your life with these people. They're generally temporary ties, but some loyalty remains even after life moves us on.

I'm feeling pulled between families. My actual family, the one I am related to by blood, requires me there as we remember my grandfather. And I too feel that I need to be there with them. But I think that we will define the appropriate length of my stay differently. After the main funeral events, I have other obligations pulling me home: the choir that I was a part of and that in some ways was like a family is performing their Christmas concert, and I really want to be there to support them. The next day my major, those at school who are taking what I took, is having a Christmas dinner, and I really want to join them because at one time this group was an important family to me and I like to keep myself in the group just a little bit. I'm not just being selfish in my desire to attend these functions; there's a family loyalty there as well. But I don't think that my biological family will understand these other obligations that I feel I am under. I think they'll expect me to stay with them the whole weekend, being there not just for the funeral but for all the related family time together. I'm being pulled in several directions at once. It doesn't help that we're talking about two completely different cities.

The thing about these extra families is that there is really nothing holding us together but nostalgia. My true family will be my family no matter what, but if I stop showing interest in the other reunions, it won't be very long until I'm alienated from the group. It's easy to skip it once and never go back (in one case), or never be invited back (in the other).
On the other hand, though, I guess I need to look at the long term investment. If I neglect my true family who has invested in me for my entire life and will be there for the rest of it, in favour of supporting some people with whom I used to share something important but now are no longer really a part of my life and won't factor very largely in it in the future, I am not making very good choices. It is not worth sacrificing something important to prolong something relatively unimportant.
And no solution will make everyone happy. Sigh.

Update They didn't expect as much from me as I thought they would. I decided to skip the choir concert but come home in time for the dinner, and I ended up staying longer than my Dad or my brother did. The choir concert turned out to be a gong show due to treacherous roads, and if I had tried to come home for it I probably still wouldn't have been there. They had a mini concert in chapel the next week that I was able to make it for, so I felt like I was still being faithful to them.

Never To Wake No More

Hi Michelle, it's Oma. Just thought I'd let you know that Opa passed away this afternoon. [voice cracks] Not too sure what's going to happen but, we'll let you know. Talk to you later, bye.

It wasn't unexpected. He's been in a home for a while, and he's been failing lately. Last week Oma mentioned that she wouldn't be surprised if he were to die. Yet even when she said that, I didn't feel motivated to suggest going to visit him one last time. Not that it would have made much difference, I suppose.

I've never had anyone I know die before. He's the first grandparent I've lost, even. The only funeral I remember going to was for someone I had never met.

What do you wear to a funeral these days? How about to a viewing, to an interment? Black still seems traditionally appropriate. Something warm, I suppose, for outside. Do you still dress up? Would a dress be more or less appropriate? (It would be a lot less warm... Oh, and I'd have to shave my legs...)

He and I were never close. He was gruff, very closed off, hard to appreciate. But I still grieve, with and for the others who grieve. Maybe it's more a feeling of responsibility than grief, for me. Oma described it as "relief and grief" - for her, it's hard that he's gone, but she's glad he's not living like that anymore.

Often when I visit Oma, I find myself wondering how she fills her time. She doesn't seem to be involved in much, doesn't have many reasons to leave the house or much to do within it. Her daily visits to Opa have filled some of that time. I wonder what she'll do now.

I can have three "bereavement" days off work. I'll take one on Thursday, and then maybe I'll try to save the other two for a few weeks from now and go down and visit Oma again when everything has calmed down a bit. I wonder if they'd let me split them up like that...

I am made aware of my own selfishness here. One reason I only want to use one bereavement day right now is because I have plans this weekend - Christmas concerts and Christmas parties, things I want to attend. I don't plan on staying out of town all weekend, so having extra days off work would just be wasted at this point. They'd be better used later, when it's more convenient for me. For some reason, I'm not willing to drop everything to join my family in an extended time of grief. I'll be there for the important events, but then I'm going back to my life and my plans. (This observation of my selfishness reminds me of when my Oma broke her hip.)

I wonder how successfully I'll be able to navigate the heartfelt tact boat in this situation... Some of the things that could best say "I care and feel your pain" could just as easily come across as "I'm a jerk." For instance, I'm thinking of writing my aunt a sympathy card in which I might call her Abby. That's not her name - her name is Valerie - but that's what Opa called her. I'd be saying "I remember that's how your father referred to you, and that was precious." Or it could appear to be mocking a pain-tinged memory. I guess I won't know unless I try... Is it better to err on the side of distant caution, or to actually touch someone, for good or for bad?

Death. Died. Euphemisms. Passed away. It feels appropriate to use the straight forward words in my own reflections, but it seems so calloused to speak them out loud that I trade them in for something softer. "My grandfather passed away."

Fin de la vacance

Aujourd'hui c'est la derniere jour de ma vacance. Demain je retournerai au travail. Une semaine est court; ma vacance a passe tres rapidement.

L'aventure plus grande de la vacance etait faisant des chocolats. C'etait beaucoup de travail - trop travail! J'ai fait des centres (trois heures pour chaque flaveur - et j'ai decouvri que mon thermometre de bonbon n'est pas bon), j'ai achete du chocolat (je suis allee au marche cinq fois), j'ai invite mes amies, j'ai nettoye mon apartement, et cetera. J'etais fatigue, et j'ai pense de ne faire pas des chocolats. Mais, en la fin, c'etait un jour amusant avec mes amies. Toujours que j'ai invite etaient heureuses avec les chocolats parce que c'est une activite extraordinaire - quelque chose qu'on faire rarement ou jamais, que peut-etre on ne pense pas possible. Je n'etais pas exactement heureuse avec les chocolats - ils etaient tres imparfait (peut-etre parce que toutes les autres ont choisi leurs chocolats avant moi), et ils etaient beaucoup de travail pour moi - mais j'aimais la jour avec mes amies et j'etais heureuse quand c'etait fini.

Les autres choses que j'ai fait pendant ma vacance: j'ai visite ma grandmere pour deux jours (pour aller au "dollar store" et pour l'aide avec les chocolats), et aussi j'ai visite ma mere pour le dinner - avec Justin pour la premier fois. C'etait "reconnaitre la famille," et je pense que ce passait bon. Mon frere a veni aussi, et mon amie Inid. C'etait un bon soir. Et quand nous etions dans cette ville, je et Justin sommes alles a un musee des sports, et c'etait tres interessant.
C'est tout. Aujourd'hui, ma jour final, j'ai reste chez moi, et j'ai lire et crochet. Donc avec Justin je suis allee au marche, et nous avons regardons Star Wars. Ce soir je suis allee pour un cafe avec deux amis de l'ecole.

Et demain, j'irai au travail. Je suppose que je retournerai de beaucoup de problems... mais peut-etre pas. Je donnerai des chocolats a Jared, qui a fait mon travail en mon absence.

La fin de la vacance...

(Pardon, les accents sont difficile pour cette ordinateur... j'espere que vous le comprendrez... si vous comprendez la francais!)
Numero de fois j'ai ouvre la dictionaire: zero!
S'il vous plait, pardonez les problemes!

Vanuatu

Lately I've just been using my new mini-computer and neglecting my bigger laptop, for many reasons: the new one is new and exciting and so cute, and my last one was lacking in speed and mouse-capability and antivirus software. The new one also has limitations though. The most obvious: it's really mini. It's hard to play the Countries Game when the whole map doesn't fit on your screen. So I've been neglecting my geography lately.

But recently I powered up my big computer (which reminded me of all its downfalls) and re-installed some antivirus, and explored Sporcle again. On the World Countries game I missed six (189/195): Barbados, Malta, Chad, Tanzania, Singapore, and Palau. Not too bad considering my long absence!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When I was in Banff a few weeks ago, I came across some chocolate from Vanuatu in the candy store. I found that very exciting - Vanuatu is such an obscure place to have chocolate from! I bought it, and it was really really good. It's milk chocolate and usually I prefer dark, but that's because milk chocolate often just tastes more like sweet than like chocolate. This stuff actually tastes like chocolate, it's just lighter than dark chocolate. And it doesn't have bizarre stuff added in to make it weird like Mexican chocolate does. (Maybe it helps that although the ingredients came from Vanuatu, the chocolate was made in Belgium. Mmm European South Pacific chocolate!) The description on the box declares, This origin milk chocolate is rich in character and delivers a strong but delightful cocoa flavour, with a hint of coffee and spice, caramel and smoke. It tastes simpler to me than that.

I learned about the existence of Vanuatu through the Countries Game. It was one of the last ones I got, because it's so small and we hear so little about it (it's the 5th most missed on Sporcle). The back of the chocolate box tells me: Vanuatu is a nation of 83 islands in the South Pacific Ocean. Located 1750 km east of northern Australia and 500 km north-east of New Zealand. The country is drowned in amazing beauty with transparent waters, untouched rainforests, reeds and exotic birdlife. Cocoa beans thrive in the thin but highly nutritious volcanic soil. Wikipedia adds that Europeans began to join the native Melanesian people in Vanuatu in the late 1700s, and both France and Britain claimed the territory, calling it New Hebrides. In 1980 Vanuatu became an independent republic following the Coconut War. Two hundred and forty thousand people live there, and they drive on the right hand side of the road. Their anthem is "Yumi, yumi, yumi." I don't know what that means. Their GDP is $2,442 per person, and they score #120 on the Human Development Index with a score of 0.674. (In comparison, Canada's HDI rating of 0.966 gives us 4th place in the world, and we have a GDP of $45,085 per capita.) They don't have any indigenous large mammals, but they do have 11 species of bats. Back in October they experienced a series of earthquakes.

Remembrance

Sometimes there aren't many words. Sometimes the best response is sitting with your hands clasped. That's hard to depict on a blog.

Confession: I don't feel strongly about Remembrance Day. I don't have a lot of military influence in my life to make it significant for me. But just because I don't feel strongly doesn't mean I don't feel anything.

It helps to watch TV. To watch those to whom it means so much. Maybe he was in the war himself, and lost many comrades. Maybe her husband never came home.

I wear a poppy and spend a minute of solemn silence for them. For those who sacrificed - some their lives and some their loves.

Hallowe'en

This is the best Hallowe'en costume EVER!! He was the manager at the restaurant where we ate dinner. Our server gave us a heads up: "Look at how my manager's dressed!" And out of the kitchen came a gigantic Lego man carrying two plates to a table. It was hilarious!

Books Read - Summer 2009

1. My Hutterite Life by Lisa Marie Stahl
2. P.S. I Love You by Cecelia Ahern
3. The Audacity of Hope by Barack Obama**
4. Sundays at Tiffany's by James Patterson
5. The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde*
6. Angels and Demons by Dan Brown
7. In Defense of Food by Michael Pollan
8. The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time by Mark Haddon
9. Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain
10. When in Rome by Gemma Townley

** = read in tandem with friends

At A Wedding

Weddings make me feel awkward.
A whole foyer of strangers.
Waiting near the door for the few people I will know to show up,
clutching my sweater to my stomach to give my hands something to do.
I'm not a fan of waiting for people.

**********

It was beautiful, and they are happy.
I like it when you can see elements of the couple in the wedding they've planned.
Smooth stones as centerpieces.

**********

I am glad that I haven't been more a part of his life, that I haven't interfered. I would have just ruined things.

**********

Sometimes people remind me of strange and beautiful... lizards.
Exotic.
Indescribable.
Incomprehensible.

Farewell

So, Patrick is leaving. He's moving away, way up north. For a long time he's wanted to be a manager, and that often means being willing to move around. His opportunity for promotion is taking him far away.
Good for him. I think he'll do well. And he plans to transfer back to this area once he gets some experience. But in the meantime, I'll miss him, and his parting has made me reflect on what his friendship has meant to me.

I remember back to the first time we met, when I thought he was the definition of a jerk (we retell this story all the time). I remember back to the first time we hung out, when he took me out to dinner theater on Valentines Day and we laughed about how despite the way such plans would appear, we were just friends. He took me to Cirque du Soleil that summer. We started having movie days and long conversations. He made chicken noodle soup when I had a cold and gave me chocolate when I had a crisis. He invited me to his special Christmas dinner. I started dating Justin and eventually he started dating Katie, and then we'd all have movie days together. We went out for breakfast and we floated down the river and we tailgated at a football game. He told me when he thought I was spending too much time with Justin and not enough time with my other friends (like him), and he's spread outrageous and hilarious rumors. At times it's seemed awkward, and I haven't always valued his input, but he has always been an incredibly faithful and generous friend to me.

Farewell, Patrick. Thank you for enriching my life.

~~~~~~~~~~

I think I need to start being more intentional about my friendships.
Katie, for instance. This is a sad time for her; her boyfriend is moving away, and things are new enough between the two of them that nothing is certain. She's going to be lonely. I need to help. I want to make intentional efforts to connect with her instead of just waiting until it happens on its own. I make time to hang out. It really wouldn't be so hard for me to plan to take my breaks with her, at least.

I need to realize that my friendships require effort and planning and investment on my end. I can't just coast along.

To Those Who Mourn

Eight years.
I just wanted to say I remember.
I wish you continued healing and peace.

• Where Were You (When The World Stopped Turning) by Alan Jackson
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News #3 - A New Car!

And now the most exciting and largest purchase I've made recently: I got a new car! Woo hoo!

It's a 2009 Mazda 3. Here's some of the story.

I wasn't exceptionally pleased with what I was driving. My last car had car cancer (aka rust) and many other things wrong with it, and it wasn't a possession I was proud of anymore. I've been done school for a year now (working full time and not paying tuition), and my bank account is looking healthy enough, and I figured that this it the time when I can make big purchases. A few months ago I was looking into buying a condo, but after not finding anything I really liked I realized that I am more pleased with where I live than with what I drove. So I decided to get a new car this year, and maybe look into a new residence next year.

At first I was looking at brand new cars. The thought of a car with no secrets, one that no one else has driven before, really appealed to me - especially when I considered all the hidden problems the next owner of my last car would be adopting. But nothing appealed to me more than a Mazda 3, and they redesigned 2010 models look really strange - the front grill looks like a great big smile that might eat small children. I preferred the look of the 2009s. Plus, it's significantly cheaper to go used. So that's what I ended up doing. This car is under a year old, has less than 20 000 kms, and has two years of warranty left (and I can and might extend that). It's still new enough to feel new to me.

It's got all sorts of great features that I've never had (or haven't had for a long, long time) - power locks/windows/mirrors, heated mirrors, air conditioning, a CD player, steering wheel stereo controls, and an outdoor thermometer. It didn't have cruise control, but I had them install it because that's something that matters to me. I also had them put on side protectors, because I really value it when the car parked beside me has those - especially when my door bumps theirs. It's a four-door and I'm glad about that - my back seat just seemed so inaccessible to me in my previous two-door.

Justin bought my old car off of me and named her Felicia. Every time he mentioned being interested in it I'd list out everything I knew to be wrong with that car, just so he would be aware of what he was getting himself into. But it is better than what he had, and he and his dad do a lot of their own car work so these problems won't be nearly as expensive for him to fix as they would be for me. It's weird, though, seeing him drive up in my car when it's really his car now.

Woo hoo new car!

News #2 - Laptop

My second new purchase of the past month was a new computer! This purchase was a bit superfluous; I already have a laptop and it is functional, so maybe I didn't exactly need to buy another one. But my other one is three years old and the touchpad mouse is getting sad - the left button has lost its "click" so it's hard to tell if you've really pressed it and that's a little annoying. Then we had mini cute laptops on sale at work and I just couldn't say no. It's so cute! And portable! And although its memory etc is barely respectable for today's standards, it's faster than my big laptop. I'm a fan. =)

News #1 - Glasses

Lots of people are surprised to find out that I wear glasses. But I do. Then they assume that I just always wear contacts. That's not true either. See, my eyes aren't that bad, so I generally just choose to wear my glasses only when I really need them. That is, I wear them when I drive, and maybe to the movies, and that's about it. The rest of the time I just don't see well, but it's good enough.

The last time I got glasses was about six years ago, when my previous pair of glasses had been stolen along with my car. Lately I've been suspecting that my prescription has changed. I'm pretty sure that things are supposed to be clearer than the way I am seeing them, even with my glasses on. So I went to the eye doctor, got a new prescription, and got new glasses.

Yup, things are clearer now through these new glasses, when I wear them. The optometrist suggested that I wear them all the time, based on what my prescription has become. But I'm having a hard time with that. It's easier to just leave them in the car.

Getting new frames helped me appreciate my old glasses. I don't like these ones as much. They're okay - a fun subdued purple colour, an okay shape for my face it seems - but my other frames were smaller and they didn't seem to have anything comparable to that in stock right now. Sigh. And if only I could get the new online benefits system sorted out...

Still though, it is nice to be able to see well.

Return

So now that it's September (Gasp! Where is 2009 going!), I guess it's time to return from my blog-cation. I didn't really miss writing, to be honest. Sometimes I'd feel like I had something to write about and I'd intend to start a post on it, but I would never get around to doing so. It was nice to just be okay with that.

I'm not really sure how blogging will go over the next few months. I am still very tired, feeling like I don't have words, and leaning more towards just being quiet. But I have some news and new acquisitions from the last month, so over the next week or so I shouldn't be too neglectful.