Xmas Thoughts

This is Christmas. The dinner and present exchange with Mom. Even if it's on the wrong day, this is the main event for me.

I see/hear advertisements for Christmas gifts and I think, "It's too late, guys, it's already here!" before I realize that everyone else still has a few more weeks.

Merry Christmas!

Blended Families

It's weird trying to bring everyone together, and trying to celebrate a holiday with blended traditions for the blended family. Now there's brussel sprouts for dinner and half of us think the other half is weird for wanting pineapple sauce/mango chutney on the ham. They put their stockings on his electric fireplace upstairs; ours are where they always are, on the real fireplace's hearth downstairs. They want "snappy wieners" (with mustard?!!) for breakfast in the morning, we cringe and request our traditional "baby apple."

Sisters

I love seeing how they love each other. She made her a collage for Christmas, and although I didn't get a close look, I could see the heart that went into it. Her xmas list is full of references to how her sister knows the details of what she wants, has great taste, and whatever would we do without her?! I hear the stories about how they're not always so wonderful, to other people at least. But I love seeing them show love for each other. Almost made me wish I had a sister. But my brother is pretty awesome.

Trade Off

He went back to a crappy job so that he'll have money for Christmas. But now he'll be working Christmas. I'd rather have him than a present.

Recommendation

I found another fantastic blog:

The Dullest Blog in the World

It's kinda refreshing.
Unfortunately, the new blogs I discover and enjoy are generally no longer updated. Sad.

I feel like I've been neglectful, and I apologize. I've been too tired and occupied to write much lately, but soon I hope to get over that and post stuff again. Soon. I have some thoughts accumulating.

Awareness

Having someone who always cares to know how you are doing means you have to be aware of how you are doing way more, and be able to articulate and explain that. You have to be more aware of your own life because there is someone who wants to share it with you at a level more intense than friendship.

Valued

"In case you haven't noticed, this is my Christmas dinner party. And you guys are here because you're the ones who are important to me."

I was so touched. This was more than just the kindness of being invited over for dinner (though dinner was fantastic). To be included in something more than just an ordinary dinner party, and with such a small crowd (although I know he has other good friends). Maybe the others couldn't come. I'm so glad I could. I'm really glad to be someone important enough to him to be included in this.

I don't really know why we're friends. Don't get me wrong - I'm glad we are - I'm just not sure what brought us together. What does he see in me that makes me worth his attention, his friendship? What is it that gets me an invite to his little Christmas dinner?

Later I thought to re-ask the question 'Why are we friends?' What is it about him that makes him worth my friendship?
- He is generous. He would do anything for his friends.
- I like attention, which (for some reason) he gives me
- He's really interesting. His gregariousness, which can sometimes come across as jerkiness, can instead be interpreted as charisma.
- I feel like he respects my choices, my values, who I am.
- I like doing things and having conversations with him.

Christmassy

I decorated my house for Christmas today. Success! Thanks for coming over to help, Friends. I value the time we spent together, the conversation we had, and the bond between us.

I am spending Christmas with my Dad's family (unfortunately), and my brother is too, so we are celebrating Christmas with Mom early - early like next weekend! So I had to get all that Christmas shopping done now! An early deadline means less time to procrastinate though; it makes me get it over with sooner. It feels kinda like having finals at the beginning of exam week - you have less time to study and prepare, but then you're home free while everyone else is still worrying.

Aloof

There's not much in my life that matters to me anymore.
There's not much that I'm afraid to lose. There's been too much loss, and now I expect it. It's all fleeting. Evanescent. I remember when there were so many things that were so important to me that I couldn't imagine living without them, and the thought of having to do so scared me so much. No longer.
There's not a lot that I care about. Not that I don't care about my friends - I mean things like virtue and character and spirituality and chastity. This is so unlike who I used to be.
But everything could very well be impossible. It's too hard to hope.
Anymore.

Visit

I don't want to go. I want to sleep in and read. I need to do some xmas shopping.
But Sat is bad for shopping.
Fri? Then go?

Katie. Candle party.
And Trevor. Breakfast.

Ermgh.

I'm not going.

Involvement

Sometimes people need me.

He had a sad day. A day of loneliness, a day when he wondered who his friends really were.

I thought about him several times that day. I thought about calling, just out of the blue, not realizing he was having a hard time, but I didn't. And it probably would have meant the world if I had.

Someone else did. They showed up in his life, they helped. I'm glad they did. But it could have been me.

And now I'm not sure whether to apologize, or just leave it unspoken and try to be a better friend in the future. A friend who is actually involved in the life of my friends.

Silent Treatment

I heard this song on the radio today as I drove.

Crystal Shawanda
What Do I Have To Do

I like it.
There's passion, feeling, truth.

It makes me pensive, though.
It reminds me of my parents.
Not of anything I remember from their relationship, just of the stories I heard.

Around their first anniversary (I think that's what she said), my Dad just stopped talking to my Mom. Not as in he only spoke about surface matters and wouldn't go deep - he wouldn't say anything to her. Not a word. Not even a greeting when he came home from work. And she begged and pleaded with him to tell her what was wrong, to tell her if she had done something, to tell her how she could make it better. Nothing. She was becoming a wreck. It lasted about a month, and then all the sudden he snapped out of it. She never got an explanation.

How hard is it just to have a simple conversation?

To tell me all about how your long day at work went?

For me to get through to you, what do I have to do?

It kinda sucks to re-realize my parents' marriage was crap.
No wonder she eventually got around to saying, "It's over."

Credits: YouTube

Remember This

Hey Michelle,
JEREMY IS ALLERGIC TO TOMATOES!!
So if you invite him over for dinner, you should cook something that does not have tomatoey stuff in it. Else he'll think you hate him.
That's a more difficult allergy that it would seem.

A Franciscan Benediction

May God bless you with discomfort
At easy answers, half-truths, and superficial relationships
So that you may live deep within your heart.

May God bless you with anger
At injustice, oppression, and exploitation of people,
So that you may work for justice, freedom and peace.

May God bless you with tears
To shed for those who suffer pain, rejection, hunger and war,
So that you may reach out your hand to comfort them and
To turn their pain into joy.

And may God bless you with enough foolishness
To believe that you can make a difference in the world,
So that you can do what others claim cannot be done
To bring justice and kindness to all our children and the poor.

Amen

In Prayer by Philip Yancey, page 105

Food Safe

So, um, I'm concerned about the way that I see many people treat raw meat. Like, if you use your hands to put the burgers on the barbecue, you need to wash your hands before you eat your finished burger!! And if you use that fork to put raw chicken in the pan, that fork is done and you need to use a new one to take the cooked chicken out of the pan!! It's cross contamination, man! Cooking kills the germs in the meat but not on the utensils that touched the meat before it was cooked! I thought this was common knowledge, but I guess not? Or maybe it's not quite as big of a deal as I think it is since it isn't continually making people sick?

Missing

I didn't realize how much I missed Katie until today.

We haven't kept in touch much over the past few months, but another friend mentioned her and asked how she was doing, which inspired me to send her an email. She said she was coming to town this weekend and suggested getting together. Amongst the other busyness we planned to have coffee at the mall this afternoon where she would be shopping with her family.

I called as I approached and she had bad news - the kids were acting up so they were all leaving right away. We could maybe stand in line and get coffee together, but she would have to leave shortly after. It might not even be worth finding a parking spot for? But I said, "if I can get ten minutes with you, I'll take it." There were things I needed to talk over with her. I ended up basically blurting them out since there wasn't time for a meandering conversation, but that was better than nothing. Then I walked with her across the mall to her car, just so we could get a little more time together.

She has the context to understand pretty much anything I need to talk about, and I feel like I can get things sorted out by talking them over with her. Being with her always makes me feel better (or distracts me) when I'm grumpy. She was really important to me this summer, and I didn't realize that hasn't faded. She signed a recent email to me "Love ya" and something in me says "I miss you!!!" with all sincerity.

She'll be back for Christmas. I'm looking forward to it.

Donne

No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main. If a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less... Any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind. Therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee.

The Coming

So it turns out Advent started last week.
I'm not good at spiritual habits or discipline these days.
But I'd like to make an effort to observe the season.
It's funny how ideas come to me when at the last minute I wonder whether or not to do anything.
This year, a candle and a song will characterize my Advent devotions:





















O come, O come, Emmanuel
And ransom captive Israel,
That mourns in lonely exile here,
Until the Son of God appear.
Rejoice, rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.

O come, O come Thou Rod of Jesse, free
Thine own from Satan's tyranny;
From depths of hell thy people save,
And give them victory over the grave.
Rejoice, rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.

O come, Thou Dayspring, come and cheer
Our spirits by thine advent here;
Disperse the gloomy clouds of night,
And death's dark shadows put to flight.
Rejoice, rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.

O come, Thou Key of David, come
And open wide our heavenly home;
Make safe the way that leads on high,
And close the path to misery.
Rejoice, rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.

O come, Desire of Nations, bind
All people in one heart and mind.
Bid envy, strife and quarrels cease,
Fill all the world with heaven's peace.
Rejoice, rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.

Update: That only lasted about a week before I hit a rebellion phase. I suspected that the candle was releasing soot into the air for me to breathe while I slept, which may not be so healthy. And... it got really hard to say "come." I don't know if I really mean things like "come, welcome, I invite you," these days.