Not Alone

Our choir standing arrangement got switched around at some of our concerts last weekend, and a good friend of mine got moved across the choir to stand beside me one night. She is someone who values authenticity and draws that out in others, and we relate to each other in what goes on beneath the surface. Having her beside me allowed me to approach God more truly through the concert, because I wasn't alone and I wasn't just surrounded with mere acquaintances (nice though they are). I really had the sense that she was there in worship with me - that as I approached God she was walking beside me. It was comforting to know that there was a hand to grab if I needed it, that if I was not well that was okay, and that someone else was sharing this experience.

A few weeks ago in Montana we were asked to share what lies beneath the surface of our lives during our community time. Much of the group already knew the flavor of what I would say, but it was a surprise to some of them (I wish I had caught their faces but I was looking elsewhere). I said that I have a depression problem and that's had big implications for my spiritual life, but I don't know how to interpret them - I don't know if backsliding my way to hell, or if I am just looking at an unrecognized face of maturity. I admitted that I can't say that I love God anymore, and the thought of intimacy with Him makes me very uncomfortable. The person sitting beside me, a guest on our retreat, responded graciously and prayed for me, and I valued his words and the picture of community that they contained so much. He suggested that perhaps God is so close that I don't recognize Him, and offered his opinion that I am going in the direction of maturity, not decline. He prayed that I would be released from the need to love God, for they as a community would love Him for me. He said that they as a community would hope for me. It was so beautiful.

This depth of community seems so rare to me. A place where we would actually be honest, and where we would bear each other's needs... I feel like there is the (unfulfilled) potential for such community at school, but I fear that when I am finished school and my life contains only the work world, I will be cut off from that potential. Seeing a glimpse of amazing community also critiques some of the other communities that I live in. Those friends that I have fun with won't love God on my behalf. I guess that's okay, but not sufficient.