I'm having a hard time deciding whether I want to be identifiable by my picture on here.
Today I feel like, no. So we'll go for objects!
This is in the maple coffee shop in Montreal.
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Second Post
A year and a bit later, I am thinking again of reviving this blog and opening it up to the public. I love reading the blogs of my friends and seeing what is going on in their lives, above or below the surface, and I think maybe I should offer them the same opportunity to know me.
Last time I started this, I posted a couple things, spirituality projects and disappointments, but found that a blog wasn't useful as to me a personal journal. (This isn't really the second post on this blog. Second introductory post I guess. I erased the other posts.) Now I'm doing okay at keeping a journal, as long as I allow myself to keep it shallow.
I wonder again how this blog will turn out. Will I write often enough to keep people interested in checking? Will I say anything worth reading? Will it be remotely deep? Or just a list of what I did this week? And does that also have value? Will I be honest, and will I scare you if I am?
We'll see how it goes!
P.S. I trust you to be able to handle whatever level of vulnerablity I express - I know you can - so don't worry too much about "good behaviour". That is less of a concern to me now than it was a year ago. Thanks for our experiences that have helped me to trust!
Last time I started this, I posted a couple things, spirituality projects and disappointments, but found that a blog wasn't useful as to me a personal journal. (This isn't really the second post on this blog. Second introductory post I guess. I erased the other posts.) Now I'm doing okay at keeping a journal, as long as I allow myself to keep it shallow.
I wonder again how this blog will turn out. Will I write often enough to keep people interested in checking? Will I say anything worth reading? Will it be remotely deep? Or just a list of what I did this week? And does that also have value? Will I be honest, and will I scare you if I am?
We'll see how it goes!
P.S. I trust you to be able to handle whatever level of vulnerablity I express - I know you can - so don't worry too much about "good behaviour". That is less of a concern to me now than it was a year ago. Thanks for our experiences that have helped me to trust!
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
Wednesday, October 4, 2006
A Good Girl
(Originally written for the school newspaper.)
I think I was a good candidate for Christianity. I’ve always lived a pretty moral life. I think I was a good kid growing up (I must admit, though, that my Mom laughed when she heard me say that once…) I’ve never smoked a cigarette, gotten drunk, slept around, or really been in trouble with the police. I basically like following the rules! Of course, I have plenty of other problems in my life - I’m not saying I’m perfect. But when I came to follow Jesus, the switch to living under a Christian moral code wasn’t hard for me. I guess I’m a pretty good person, and I like that.
But then I read what Jesus says: “I did not come to invite good people but to invite sinners” (Matthew 9:13). For some reason, my precious righteousness doesn’t impress Jesus as much as it impresses me. In fact, to Him “all our righteous acts are like filthy rags” (Isaiah 64:6).
I really believe that it is important for a Christian to live a moral life, and I don’t regret the mistakes that I didn’t make. But we all stand in grace, and I am no better than someone who has a more colorful past. Maybe the people who are the really good candidates for Christianity are the ones who recognize how much they need God and His mercy in the midst of their sin, not the ones who find it easy to live a good life.
I think I was a good candidate for Christianity. I’ve always lived a pretty moral life. I think I was a good kid growing up (I must admit, though, that my Mom laughed when she heard me say that once…) I’ve never smoked a cigarette, gotten drunk, slept around, or really been in trouble with the police. I basically like following the rules! Of course, I have plenty of other problems in my life - I’m not saying I’m perfect. But when I came to follow Jesus, the switch to living under a Christian moral code wasn’t hard for me. I guess I’m a pretty good person, and I like that.
But then I read what Jesus says: “I did not come to invite good people but to invite sinners” (Matthew 9:13). For some reason, my precious righteousness doesn’t impress Jesus as much as it impresses me. In fact, to Him “all our righteous acts are like filthy rags” (Isaiah 64:6).
I really believe that it is important for a Christian to live a moral life, and I don’t regret the mistakes that I didn’t make. But we all stand in grace, and I am no better than someone who has a more colorful past. Maybe the people who are the really good candidates for Christianity are the ones who recognize how much they need God and His mercy in the midst of their sin, not the ones who find it easy to live a good life.
Wednesday, September 6, 2006
Yada Yada Lessons
(Originally written for the school newspaper.)
Sometimes we can learn important lessons from silly books. That’s what happened for me – reading The Yada Yada Prayer Group taught me a good lesson about community. Let me share.
The book tells the story of several women who are randomly matched to pray together at a women’s conference. When the conference ends, they keep their prayer group going, supporting each other in prayer and fellowship. But they begin to learn about some significant differences between them.
Before she came to Christ, social services took Flo’s children from her. Now after she has been “five years saved and five years sober,” Flo’s daughter is lost in a foster care bureaucracy. Flo will do anything to have her daughter back. The group is ready to support her – except for Ruth. Ruth was a foster mom who dearly loved the child in her care and wanted to adopt her. After five years, however, the father suddenly appeared and decided he wanted the girl back. Losing the girl she loved tore Ruth (and her marriage) apart. She therefore wonders if Flo’s daughter would be better remaining with her foster family. Flo obviously doesn’t agree and asks, “Does that make us enemies, Ruth?”
What would we do in this situation – if we were one of these women, or if we were a member of the group? Would we remain in fellowship with someone who promoted a situation that caused us such pain? Would we hold the tension and embrace both women, or would we choose sides?
The Yada Yada Prayer Group stood together and loved both women as they expressed their pain. They didn’t let Flo dominate their sympathies, and they didn’t let Ruth withdraw so as not to rock the boat. Flo and Ruth embraced each other with forgiveness despite their pain. Their problems weren’t erased, but they remained in the fellowship together.
The Body of Christ is all about making unity from diversity. So is our school. We have a lot of different kinds of people with different perspectives and problems here. Throughout the year we are going to have conflicts that will threaten to polarize us. But we are a piece of the Body of Christ, and we need to build and maintain community at all costs. “Father, I pray that they can be one… then the world will believe that You sent Me” (John 17:21).
One more thing – this story also helped to teach me that who I am and how I feel is valid. Ruth didn’t want to mention her pain because it clashed with Flo’s joy when her daughter was found, but the prayer group encouraged her to share how she really felt. One person’s joy does not invalidate another person’s pain, and one person’s pain does cancel out another person’s joy. And I am not really a part of the community if I do not reveal myself.
Sometimes we can learn important lessons from silly books. That’s what happened for me – reading The Yada Yada Prayer Group taught me a good lesson about community. Let me share.
The book tells the story of several women who are randomly matched to pray together at a women’s conference. When the conference ends, they keep their prayer group going, supporting each other in prayer and fellowship. But they begin to learn about some significant differences between them.
Before she came to Christ, social services took Flo’s children from her. Now after she has been “five years saved and five years sober,” Flo’s daughter is lost in a foster care bureaucracy. Flo will do anything to have her daughter back. The group is ready to support her – except for Ruth. Ruth was a foster mom who dearly loved the child in her care and wanted to adopt her. After five years, however, the father suddenly appeared and decided he wanted the girl back. Losing the girl she loved tore Ruth (and her marriage) apart. She therefore wonders if Flo’s daughter would be better remaining with her foster family. Flo obviously doesn’t agree and asks, “Does that make us enemies, Ruth?”
What would we do in this situation – if we were one of these women, or if we were a member of the group? Would we remain in fellowship with someone who promoted a situation that caused us such pain? Would we hold the tension and embrace both women, or would we choose sides?
The Yada Yada Prayer Group stood together and loved both women as they expressed their pain. They didn’t let Flo dominate their sympathies, and they didn’t let Ruth withdraw so as not to rock the boat. Flo and Ruth embraced each other with forgiveness despite their pain. Their problems weren’t erased, but they remained in the fellowship together.
The Body of Christ is all about making unity from diversity. So is our school. We have a lot of different kinds of people with different perspectives and problems here. Throughout the year we are going to have conflicts that will threaten to polarize us. But we are a piece of the Body of Christ, and we need to build and maintain community at all costs. “Father, I pray that they can be one… then the world will believe that You sent Me” (John 17:21).
One more thing – this story also helped to teach me that who I am and how I feel is valid. Ruth didn’t want to mention her pain because it clashed with Flo’s joy when her daughter was found, but the prayer group encouraged her to share how she really felt. One person’s joy does not invalidate another person’s pain, and one person’s pain does cancel out another person’s joy. And I am not really a part of the community if I do not reveal myself.
Wednesday, March 8, 2006
Spiritual Exhaustion
If we engage in too much physical exertion, we will become physically exhausted. If we are involved in too many emotionally draining situations, we will become emotionally exhausted. And if we have an excess of spiritual experiences in a short time, we can find ourselves spiritually exhausted.
It makes sense, doesn't it. But it's not a fun idea. I remember my spiritual life in high school and how I just wanted as much as time could hold - as much worship, as much prayer, as much reading, as much experience of God as I could get. Maybe this was spiritual gluttony, as "spiritual sweet tooth." It can't last, and it didn't.
Today was Day of Prayer at school. It started at 9:00 AM and went 'til a little after 3:00. I planned to attend the whole thing, but I slept in and didn't get there until 12:30. I had wondered about how I would fare after a whole day of spiritual exercize, and it turned out that I felt spiritually listless and exhausted after only the few hours of prayer and worship that I attended.
It must be considered that the healthy have more stamina than the sick, and can go for so much longer before that exhaustion hits them. Maybe that explains why I became drained so quickly. My soul just feels sick. And when you are empty and have little strength to begin with, action can quickly take it all.
O God, come and heal me, that I might have the spiritual energy to seek and love Thee.
It makes sense, doesn't it. But it's not a fun idea. I remember my spiritual life in high school and how I just wanted as much as time could hold - as much worship, as much prayer, as much reading, as much experience of God as I could get. Maybe this was spiritual gluttony, as "spiritual sweet tooth." It can't last, and it didn't.
Today was Day of Prayer at school. It started at 9:00 AM and went 'til a little after 3:00. I planned to attend the whole thing, but I slept in and didn't get there until 12:30. I had wondered about how I would fare after a whole day of spiritual exercize, and it turned out that I felt spiritually listless and exhausted after only the few hours of prayer and worship that I attended.
It must be considered that the healthy have more stamina than the sick, and can go for so much longer before that exhaustion hits them. Maybe that explains why I became drained so quickly. My soul just feels sick. And when you are empty and have little strength to begin with, action can quickly take it all.
O God, come and heal me, that I might have the spiritual energy to seek and love Thee.
Monday, March 6, 2006
Losing Another Friend
My friend Ingrid called me tonight. Ingrid is the sweetest thing ever. We were roommates for a while, we worked together, and for a time we were great friends. I got to see her come to know Christ and grow in Him, and her faith is admirable to me. And she looks up to me greatly, considering me to be a great strength and encouragement in her life.
But now it's been a long time since we have talked, a couple of months. She has really missed me, and calls it "Michelle-withdrawal." For me, though, this time has made me feel such cool distance between us. I feel like this is marking the gradual death of our friendship. I think that part of the problem is that I am doing terrible right now. I am not willing to share much about that, but it leaves little that is good to talk about. I am reluctant to share as it is right now, but I especially hesitated dumping it on her because I know how much she looks up to me. I don't know if she can handle my doubts and problems. I know that she loves me to bits and would want to be supportive, but I don't know if I can even handle trying to be that open. I don't think I can even try.
Unfortunately, this seems to be a pattern in my life. I have effectively lost all my friends from high school (finishing with Sis this summer and Christmas, when she was in at home and I didn't see her). I just cannot answer when then ask "how are you?" because it is all so grim, and the idea of such a friendship repulses me. Right now I see more clearly that I am also at the point where I can't handle continuing very many long distance friendships. The only one that I am able to keep is Jay, because what we have between us has gone deeper than what we continually put into it - and I am so grateful for that. And the others I can maintain for a while, but eventually they slide. I see this in my girls (Lifegroup) - about this time last year I had to cut myself off from them because I couldn't handle it. Now I miss them, and it is hard thinking about how they are graduating this year and I am no longer in their lives to rejoice with them. I wonder about their perspective on us - I know (or I think I know) they think I was a great blessing to them, but they have no idea as to the reasons why I don't see or talk to them - they are totally in the dark. I wish it wasn't that way. But I can't make it any different. And I don't feel like I can stop what I see happening between me and Ingrid.
I hope that my healing will embrace this aspect of my life too when it comes. But what if it doesn't? Doesn't come? Doesn't fix my distancing friendships?
I got a paper back from Barry today, a book report on The Healing Presence. In comment, he wrote: Dear Michelle, You write with keen insight. Thanks for your honesty and I'll keep praying that your longing will continue, and that the Lord would continue to use you - as he does so now powerfully. Here's one of my key life verses: Le soir arrive les pleurs; le matin la jubilation. Your "matin de jubilation" is coming... Barry
But now it's been a long time since we have talked, a couple of months. She has really missed me, and calls it "Michelle-withdrawal." For me, though, this time has made me feel such cool distance between us. I feel like this is marking the gradual death of our friendship. I think that part of the problem is that I am doing terrible right now. I am not willing to share much about that, but it leaves little that is good to talk about. I am reluctant to share as it is right now, but I especially hesitated dumping it on her because I know how much she looks up to me. I don't know if she can handle my doubts and problems. I know that she loves me to bits and would want to be supportive, but I don't know if I can even handle trying to be that open. I don't think I can even try.
Unfortunately, this seems to be a pattern in my life. I have effectively lost all my friends from high school (finishing with Sis this summer and Christmas, when she was in at home and I didn't see her). I just cannot answer when then ask "how are you?" because it is all so grim, and the idea of such a friendship repulses me. Right now I see more clearly that I am also at the point where I can't handle continuing very many long distance friendships. The only one that I am able to keep is Jay, because what we have between us has gone deeper than what we continually put into it - and I am so grateful for that. And the others I can maintain for a while, but eventually they slide. I see this in my girls (Lifegroup) - about this time last year I had to cut myself off from them because I couldn't handle it. Now I miss them, and it is hard thinking about how they are graduating this year and I am no longer in their lives to rejoice with them. I wonder about their perspective on us - I know (or I think I know) they think I was a great blessing to them, but they have no idea as to the reasons why I don't see or talk to them - they are totally in the dark. I wish it wasn't that way. But I can't make it any different. And I don't feel like I can stop what I see happening between me and Ingrid.
I hope that my healing will embrace this aspect of my life too when it comes. But what if it doesn't? Doesn't come? Doesn't fix my distancing friendships?
I got a paper back from Barry today, a book report on The Healing Presence. In comment, he wrote: Dear Michelle, You write with keen insight. Thanks for your honesty and I'll keep praying that your longing will continue, and that the Lord would continue to use you - as he does so now powerfully. Here's one of my key life verses: Le soir arrive les pleurs; le matin la jubilation. Your "matin de jubilation" is coming... Barry
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